Bad break up - Advice on how to get things back?

[Peanutbutter1492]

I stumbled on this site while googling break-up advice and figured I'd put up a post.

 

My ex and I were seeing each other for 9 months and started having problems just a little bit before the break up. For a while he had been skipping out on little things that were important to me to have fun with his close friends, which I thought was understandable because a lot had moved out of town or were moving, but then it was the day of my birthday party he decided that he wanted me to have time with just my friends and left to go see Thor with some of our mutual friends.

 

What? I was so upset that I didn't really talk to him for the rest of the day, until that night because we were performing in the same show at a comedy club (we met through the same improv troupe). He ended up taking me to sushi, which I thought was a very sweet gesture and I thought we were going to be fine. Then he asks me for a ride to his friend's house for a party. I stay with him there for about an hour and a half, but didn't drink or really have any fun because it was just a really out-of-hand situation that I didn't feel comfortable in. I told him that I wanted to leave and asked if he wanted to come with me, but he declined, saying this was the last big thing at this friend's house.

 

Fine. So I left, upset, but had some faith that we'd work through it; he and I were always good at communication. Next day I get a text from an old friend saying that a friend of hers had "hooked up" with a guy by the same name of my then boyfriend. Needless to say, it was him, he claimed to have been "black out drunk" (he has a history of drinking problems), and then called ME breaking up with ME before I had a chance to say how I felt.

 

I asked him if I had been enough for him. He said "Oh no, the sex was great." I asked him if he loved me. He said, "Yes, I'll always love you, but it's not like that anymore." Fine, whatever. I've come to terms with the fact that I don't love him anymore. It's been NC for a month now.

 

My dad offered to help me get my stuff back from him and has been in contact, but my ex isn't cooperating, sending me four text messages a few weeks ago about how "we can be mature about this" and to "stop having your parents contact me." My opinion is that if he wanted to be mature about anything, he wouldn't have cheated on me. He should just be a big boy and deal with my dad. I want nothing to do with him, but I do want my things back. I have a large trash bag full of his clothes and a few books sitting in my parents' garage just waiting.

 

Am I wrong to think that he has no right to determine on what terms I can get my things back? A mutual friend was saying he'd probably be more cooperative if I called him and asked for my things back, but I'm not giving him that control. He's just trying to hold onto my things, trying to find some excuse to have a conversation or something - but why? I want nothing to do with him, there's nothing left to talk about.

 

And then there's the issue of the comedy club. I haven't been there since the break-up, and I've already talked to the general manager about the situation, and a lot of my friends from there have been asking when I'm coming back because they miss my company. My answer is the same - I'm just waiting until he gives me back my stuff.

 

Help?

Thanks.

 

- Ash

[istawurst]

I agree with your friend that you need to talk to him in person about getting your things back. It is not a control issue (although you might see it that way now that he seems to have suggested it). Although it will probably be uncomfortable for you, you do need to bite the bullet and deal with him directly. He will probably be more cooperative if you do...and who knows, it might be a brief opportunity to at least bring some post-break-up civility to the relationship.

 

Good luck.

[Peanutbutter1492]

How do you know it's not a control issue? I feel like staying NC is the best way I can remain civil.

[dramallama]

What stuff of yours does he have? Can it be replaced?

[Peanutbutter1492]

For the most part, except for a Billy Idol concert shirt from a show that my parents went to together. I just really want that and some polite way to get rid of all of his stuff.

[dramallama]

He is trying to control you. I would just leave things for a month and then text or facebook message him again, politely asking him to leave your stuff somewhere so that you can drive by and pick it up.

[Peanutbutter1492]

Thank you, I thought so...it's been about a month, and he very clearly has the option of just dropping it off at my parents house, I just can't understand why he won't just deal given the circumstances of the break-up.