spanks Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Hi all... I just wanted your opinions on what I dealt with for the past two years. My parents insist that my ex was emotionally abusive and I really think I agree. My ex and I broke up in February. Before that we dated for about two years. Things went fairly well until the last couple of months. We argued constantly. He told me all these wonderful, loving things, but he didn't back them up with actions. It was frustrating to me and I would try to talk to him about it. No matter what the topic was, he would tell me my opinion is ridiculous. He would often shut down and "stonewall"-refusing to communicate with me if my opinion differed fron his. One time he got so mad he slapped me so hard my ear was ringing. And two days before we broke up, when I was trying to talk to him about how I felt he didn't devote any time to us, he slammed me into a wall. The thing is, what I was saying wasn't so ridiculous because in the two years that we dated (long distance) he only came to visit me twice; I did all the driving and made all the sacrifices. Everything was always about him. If I wanted him to do something I was being selfish. If I tried to talk about how I felt he threatened to break up with me. He honestly made me believe I was a crazy b*@$#. I always ended up apologizing, even if I felt I was justified. He did turn me into something I'm not. I have never been so insecure and jealous. I would lash out because I was frustrated and afraid to lose him and nothing I did or said made him understand how I felt, or got him to change his actions. I did not trust him around other girls at all, and he used this jealousy and insecurity as an excuse to leave me and blame me for the dissolution of our relationship. I do take responsibility for my actions, but he wittled away my self esteem until there was nothing left and I couldn't take anymore. He saw nothing wrong with his behavior, and I didn't know why I felt the way I did because all of his slights and manipulations were so subtle. There is more I'm sure, but this is all I can think of right now. For a long time I believed it was my fault, but I really think it was him. Does this sound like emotional abuse? He started liking someone new a month after we broke up and has since jumped into a new relationship. The thing is that very few people see this bad side of him. Most people adore him. And it bothers me a lot. It makes me feel like maybe I am crazy. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Yes. I would say he was an abusive person. And you didn't see it because you barely saw him. I also think that you should focus less on placing the blame for the relationship on him and focusing on how you can prevent yourself from attracting and falling for an abusive man in the future. I was with a man that everyone thought was great. In fact, he would overdue it with others - treat them to expensive meals, etc, while we had practically nothing. I mean - fine if he wants to spend mad money but I went without dental care and a working car for a long time - ditto health insurance (and I was his wife). Anyway, everyone thought he was great until behind closed doors he would bully me and belittle me and manipulate me into thinking he'd hurt the dog and cat if I left, etc. You are NOT crazy. Link to comment
spanks Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 Is there a surefire way of identifying an abusive man before you actually get involved? Because I for sure don't want to go through that again. I do think at this point I really need to work on my self esteem... Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 This is a good article on the early signs: link removed Link to comment
spanks Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 This is a good article on the early signs: link removed Wow, what a great article! Thanks! It totally describes my ex. Too bad I ignored all those red flags. Link to comment
elcie Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 One time he got so mad he slapped me so hard my ear was ringing. And two days before we broke up, when I was trying to talk to him about how I felt he didn't devote any time to us, he slammed me into a wall...... This is not just emotional abuse....it's physical abuse. You are lucky to be out of this situation. The important thing now is to not let your self get into a similar situation with someone else! Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 It isn't just emotional abuse, it's physical abuse also. You are well rid of someone like that. It reminds me a lot of my ex ex. He wouldn't communicate, chipped away at my self esteem and I also didn't trust him around other girls towards the end of our relationship. He also blamed most things on my because of insecurities that he created. Link to comment
RecentlyAlone Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 It's abuse however you look at it! You will do so much better. Link to comment
spanks Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 I hope so. Thanks for all of your replies! I know I'm better off, I've just been trying to make sense of it all. I never thought he'd treat me like that, or that I'd ever be in an abusive situation. I always felt it was my fault since I was so jealous and insecure at the end, but I know I was only reacting to everything he had put me through. I have had one other serious relationship and he was a decent guy. Hopefully this won't become a trend and in the next relationship I will know what to avoid and what is/isn't normal! Link to comment
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