Crazy-weird relationship after a break-up

[jd29]

Hello Folks,

 

This is my first post on this website, so please go easy on me with any criticisms regarding the situation I am in at the moment. I'll try to keep this brief as I'm sure I could keep typing for a long time.

 

Been in a relationship for 6 months with a woman I'm absolutely in love with and love her very much. She broke up with me 4 months ago out of the blue saying she doesn't feel the spark. She said she is attracted to me and does have feelings for me but doesn't see it going anywhere. So, we decided to be friends, do a lot things together. I don't see her as a friend though and a month ago she said she doesn't see me as friend yet as she has feelings for me. I do Love her and she said she loves me as a friend and a little more at the moment. I have no clue what that's supposed to mean. We do sleep together, which I'm sure most of you will think is a bad idea.

 

Sometimes, when I go out with my friends (don't have many, just a few close friends), she always brings up the issue of there being girls around and that I'll be talking to them. And this happens all the time now whenever I go out which is not a lot really. I've told her that she is the woman I want to be with and attracted to etc etc but it's the same thing over and over. When she goes out, I never ask her where she is going or who she is going with, not because I don't care but because it's none of my business. I'm not trying to blow my trumpet, but I do so much for her without expecting anything in return and I do this while suppressing all my feelings for her. Every two or three weeks, my true feelings for her show and I just get depressed and feel crap. Another thing, is that she will ask me if she is beautiful and if I find other women beautiful and attractive. All these questions after constantly telling her and showing her in actions how I feel for her and how much she means to me.

 

All these little things that she does just gets me all confused, enough to keep you going back and forth really. Well, that is as brief as I could get it. I have probably more to tell but that's just the jist of it. Feel free to put down your own opinions gently, please hehe.

[lucasky]

Crazy is right! But you know, the more I read up on various personality types and how they interact with one another, the more I'm learning that "normal" is generally just how we perceive relationships from the outside - on the inside, I think most relationships have their crazy sides.

 

At this point, I think that there are essentially two things you can do:

A) Speak to her directly about your relationship - can it be exclusive now?

B) Pull back a bit. If she's not ready for a relationship, then I suspect she's just using you as a form of reassurance. I've been that girl. Its not pretty, and its not fair to the other person.

[jd29]

Hi Lucasky,

 

Thank you having a read through it and replying. Both are really good options to try, I'm leaning more towards pulling back a bit. The reason for that is because she's told me on various occassions over the past few months (after asking her if she wants to get back together) that she doesn't want to get back together. She said she likes spending time with me, get along well and said she gets jealous about the thought of me giving attention to another woman. She said she doesn't know what she wants. We text everyday and the contact is initiated equally on both sides, mostly texts and sometimes phone calls. She even texts me when she is with her friends and I do the same. We are broken up but it feels so much like a relationship. If she is isn't spending time with her girl friends (no guy friends) or with her family, then she spends it with me. She stays over most of the time. I guess from her perspective there is no commitment on her side. Plus, being the nice guy that I am and being absolutely in love with her (she is a really lovely woman, caring, honest and good morals and values and by far the best girlfriend I've ever had), I do so much for her. Doing all those things doesn't even feel like a chore, it comes naturally. I even got the speech of " you have everything I ever want in a guy and even more and I don't think I'll have that again in a guy"

 

I guess, in a way, I've spoiled her rotten with all that attention, so much that she is so used to it. And since she is getting that with no commitment, I figure she is not bothered about an exclusive relationship. I really can't see her as a friend but she wants to see it as a friendship. So, really, it isn't a friendship as we aren't on the same page. I told her today that "I don't feel loved by her, desired by her or wanted by her" and yet I still give and give. Sometimes, I think I'm just insane. I'm starting to think that I'm just a form of reassurance (Like you said in point B) to her and someone to give her company when her friends are busy. It hurts to think that but oh well.

 

Sometimes, I think, as she's had absolutely horrible relationships in the past with guys (one guy who she fell for went for another woman and the other decided to tell her that he lied for two years when he said he loved her), she doesn't know what to do with one that's actually working, one where the guy(me) wants nothing more than to be with her. I do love her unconditionally and I'd do anything for her. Hence, why I agreed to be friends and sacrificing what I want from her. I think I have myself to blame in letting it get to this point where it absolutely fine for her with everything that she's getting from me and where I'm just unhappy with the situation. Is it really wrong to feel unhappy when I'm settling for something less than what I want from her? I have no clue whether what I'm doing is right or wrong.

 

I really want her to miss me and so, I'm going to pull back a bit, not abruptly but slowly. Probably start off with less texting and hanging out. I've never ever been in this situation before. She is my first love, really and I'm 29 and she is 24. I've had 5 relationships in the past but no feelings of love developed in them.

 

I was hoping to keep that reply brief but I was all over the place with this one. Just feels good to get it out and see what other people have to say. Thanks again Lucasky, appreciate it

[Nearbot]

She's keeping you around until she finds someone else She needs the constant attention and companionship to feel good, and you give it to her. Save yourself the heart break and stop seeing her. Maybe she'll realize she misses you and want to commit again, maybe not.

 

I hate to say it, but back in my younger days, I did that a LOT with guys. I'd dump them but still talk to them 24/7, wanna see them and be intimate, and get jealous when they brought up other girls. But as soon as I met someone else, I was out of there. I'm not such a brat anymore, but a lot of girls do that.

[jd29]

Thanks for your reply Nearbot. To be honest, I do think what you're saying is right as sometimes, I do feel that when she finds someone else, I'll just be dropped. She says she has no guy friends and doesn't talk to guys but that's surely not going to stop her from being with someone else. It's such as insult to how I feel for her whenever she asks me if I find so and so woman attractive and when she says that I can look for other women when I'm out with my friends. The only reason I go out with my friends (I have two close male friends) is because I see them once or twice a month. There isn't a day when I don't make her feel like she is the only woman I want to be with. I do make mistakes and have my share of flaws and weaknesses and I take responsibility for those mistakes. At the end of the day, I've really done all that I can. I've never put so much into any relationship like I have with her. I'm not even mad or angry at her, just wanting something more with her. I've just got to accept the feelings I have for her and move on. It's going to be a hard one but I've got to start somewhere hehe.

[Nearbot]

Good She's just young and wants to play the field probably. Maybe a few years down, she'll have grown up and be ready to seriously date. But I bet you'll be totally over her by then and in a great relationship with a way cooler girl

[delicous]

Jd, in all honesty, I think she is very confused and stringing you a long until the next man who catches her attention comes along. The best thing to do is No contact. It is the only thing that has worked for me with my current ex. I do care about him and "stupidly" love him. But its like im putting 100% effort in and he only give me half of that if not even less. I have only grown to realize this after allowing myself to date other men. Im realizing the other men treat me better in 1-2 days then he did our whole rocky 6.5 month relationship. Id say keep her as a friend if you wish, but keep your distance, go out with other women. You need to let yourself go out with other women though, keep yourself busy with other things too like friends and family or any hobbies you may have. I am still trying to figure things out but contact, I believe 100% is Ok if you two are on the same page, if your not, thats when these questions creep in...Like am I pretty ? And do you like her better? All that crap shouldn't be in the picture, seeing as it is, it clearly shows she wants the "confirmation" that you are still stuck on her.

Next time she says that, confront her on it. Id let her know, hey, we are just friends....Instead of "your the women I want" or whatever youve been saying to her because it really is only pushing her further away. She may have broken up with you for other reasons like that you possibly may have attachment issues from her perspective so shes kinda in a way testing you. Id leave her be. If she calls or text you, don't jump everytime.

 

One last thing...i know its an invasion of privacy, but Id check her phone to confirm she is "only talking and dating you." Chances are she is talking to others but keeping you around incase they end up ditching her. Its a sick feeling, I know. I was that girl. I was also the mistress who got cheated on. So its crazy but Im starting to slowely learn from all of the mistakes Ive made and know what I want now.

 

I hope you know im not trying to be rude at all, it just sounds to me that you need to let this one go atleast for now. Give it a week and tell me if she contacts you..I gave it almost a week and he texted me, then I texted back and he finally called the next morning. This was after I called twice in a row and texted him 3 txt messages. Anyways, Like I said Im still learning. I kinda feel like you and I are going through very similar problems. And I wish you the best of luck. The best thing that I have done for "myself" and nobody else was to talk to other men Im interested in and that are interested in me and allow myself to go out and meet up with them. I did sleep with the most current one but we do not plan on sleeping together again. I would advise not to sleep with them on the first date. After that Id say to go with whats in your heart. The other thing I would say not to do if you do end up finding a girl you like, try not be available all of the time. Id say give it 2-3 days before you call and ask them out again. I cannot stand when a man plans something right in front of me and expects me to just be available, if rather them call and ask me later.

[catfeeder]

You're working against your own interests by keeping her nice and comfy from a position you don't want.

 

I'd tell her I adore her and if she ever decides she'd like to start dating me romantically, she knows how to reach me. Anything short of that isn't good for you right now, and you'll let her know if that ever changes for you. Then walk off into the sunset.

 

What you're doing now is likely to get your heart broken.

[jd29]

It's been a while since I've posted on here. Thank you to all for the responses. Here's an update on everything. We are still good friends and recently, I've just found out through a mutual friend of ours who told me that she still isn't over her ex (the guy who she broke up with about 4 months before we got together). So, that means she never was over him even when we met. So, it has just dawned on me that I was a rebound to her. I never had her entirely, atleast emotionally. No wonder she's kept drilling it in my head that she doesn't feel the spark or connection with me even though she has strong feelings for me. I just knew that the reason she gave me for breaking just didn't make sense and now I know the real reason which makes so much sense now.

 

Yeah, I do feel used but I'm kind of used to it now that it's the third time it has happened to me. Perhaps, I shouldn't be too nice in the future. I just asked her a few minutes ago if she was over her ex and she replied back saying that she is over him and was over him when we met. Ever since we met, she's been telling me that she doesn't like to say lies and doesn't like a guy who says lies. And now, she's doing the exact opposite. I know she is lying because her friend (who is also my friend) showed me the texts she sent her.

 

I'm not really mad or angry, just really hurt. I do love her though and what's done is done.

 

Off to bed now. Night everyone.

[catfeeder]

[...] Yeah, I do feel used but I'm kind of used to it now that it's the third time it has happened to me. Perhaps, I shouldn't be too nice in the future.[...].

 

It doesn't make sense to position yourself as the guy who gets hurt all the time when you're the one who sets yourself up. Stop trying to form relationships with people who are newly broken up from a LTR. They will always say they're over they're ex--they believe that they have no choice but to say that if they want to put feelers out to explore other people while to convince themselves that they're ready.

 

You are not at the mercy of anyone else's bad judgment. Start using your own judgment and walk away from bad choices.

 

Advice from grandma: The problem is not that snakes will cross your path--they will. The problem comes when you're too bored or lonely to make good choices, so you pick UP the snake to play with it.