Should I be mad or am I'm not understanding?

[eLongely1]

I met a widow online, I'm also a widow. We talked and got really close, and had a magnetic spark between us. We started dating, she has 2 kids, I didn't have any but wanted kids.

 

Everything started off really great, tons of passion, she raved about me to all her girlfriends about lots of "things". I treated her and the kids really well, made things for them on the holidays, bsakets, etc... I gave all of myself emotionally, and also spoiled them rotten.

 

I was the greatest thing, she talked about moving in together and I wasn't even thikning that. She wanted me to meet her parents, she was talking about having me come on a long road trip with her and the kids to see her friends and family.

 

Then, one day, she just stopped talking to me. Literally, that's it. She said she was numb from the stress of her husband being dead and wanted to slow it down.

 

It turned out that slowing it down turned into "let's pretend you don't exist". She never called me, never texted me, I had to ask her how she was doing. Meanwhile, she's doing plenty of things with her friends apparently.

 

I can't presume to know WHAT the problem is. I have a hint from a couple things she said that MAYBE she is treating her husband like he was a saint, and nobody can do better. She didn't like that I was not coaxing her to goto the gym because she gained a few pounds, then when I offered to come over and go running with her, she said she can't because that's what she use to do with her husband,

 

Never had a complaint about me, that she communicated. I'm learning she doesn't communicate her feelings AT ALL, and I thought I was bad. No clue... in the bedroom lets say she claimed it "took her awhile". Well, the way our parts fit, it was constant and multiple for her, and she said that was "scary". I don't know how that is a bad thing?! Unless it makes her feel guilty over her husband? See, I can't presume to know cuz she doesn't tell me anything. I also took a big risk to my health with her, if you know what I mean, because I was under the impression this would be a long-term relationship.

 

Is it ok to be f'in angry over this? I know she''s going through a rough time or falling back into grief, but she should've taken some responsibility for herself and not let me get close to her. There was one time I told her maybe we should just be friends, and she insisted we keep it going, because I didn't want to lose the friendship we built at first. But I decided to just take a chance with her, as she said she wsa ready to take a chance with me.

 

So in short, I'm pretty POed at her over this, and I'm sure she thinks that is unjustified and I'm being "self centered". So, this is my first experience back in the dating world. Now I know why people start relationships and have walls up or don't want to open up to people.

[DN]

She isn't ready for a relationship. Rather than be angry just use that energy to walk away and find someone else.

[eLongely1]

You're right. Thank you. Just felt good to vent it out in some way. ahh

[dan92]

Although I don't think you should be angry at this lady as I assume you don't know what it would be like to lose a partner. I think it was a mistake on her behalf.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

A typical sign of someone who is not ready for a relationship is one who comes on really strong at the beginning and has all kinds of plans for the future together. She was pushing it too fast because she wanted to smother her pain of loss. Of course the pain of loss eventually comes out and these people suddenly disappear on you. It happens a lot with people who rebound straight from a break up.

[Seraphim]

Although I don't think you should be angry at this lady as I assume you don't know what it would be like to lose a partner. I think it was a mistake on her behalf.

 

He said he was a widower who lost his wife as well.

[JerkBrokeMe]

I don't think you should be angry with her. I can see how the first person you're with after your partner dies would trigger all kinds of memories about the person. Although it's not technically fair of her to shut you out and not explain things, I doubt she's doing it intentionally. She may not even realize she's feeling this way. She just knows she feels like something is wrong. How long have you two been together? How long since her husband passed?

 

If you really love her, be patient. If you don't think it's the right relationship for you (because you will have to give her time, and nobody can tell you how much) then you should tell her, gently. As I said before, she may be unaware. At least you'd be helping her to acknowledge unresolved issues.

[dan92]

Sorry misread.

[eLongely1]

It was one year for her, but it was a heart condition very sudden. My wife had cancer for years and my wife told me to go get married again if I wanted to. But I learned later from her friend that since she was only togethr with her husband for a year (which I knew), then had a kid right away, and he was away in the military, so she was in super honeymoon stage when he died and bearly saw him, so she has him so high on a pedestal, I've come to realize that even though she tried not to compare me to him, she was doing that a little bit, and everything is so sacred, I'm sad to say that it seems her being open with someone else is also sacred to her. So alas, I care for her deeply and in another time I think we would be good together, I think I will sadly have to move on, and take care if I ever meet a widow again. Which is funny, cuz I'm talking about myself.

 

I'm not mad at her directly. I can't blame her for not fully understanding all her feelings, it was hard for me too, sometimes guilt and doing things that reminded me of my wife, but I knew it was not fair to her to deprive her of doing things together just because it reminded me of my wife sometimes. That's what getting over it is about I figured.

 

She wanted to be friends, but to me that entails actually talking, not ignoring me. She also offered to help me move which then suddenly dissapeared, and also some plans we had dissapeared without any notice. I didn't want to accept it, but I told her that I thikn it will be a long time before she would be willing to be open and together. She of course did some of the usual justifications and very weak reasons against me, never once trying to make any adustment in the relationship (about 3 months). Strangely, she's been active on link removed, so she may just be a closed cold-hearted woman who was using me for all I know.

 

It just bites, but hey, that's life. I'll be more careful next time or at least try to. Thank you for listening to me vent. Part of the reason I wrote was because putting it out there helps me, and I like getting some of the friendly comments and opinions.