I don't want to do this anymore

[corgidude]

I thought I was doing really well... yesterday was my third week of complete NC, and I'm nearly 3 months post breakup now. I decided to take a break from ENA for a day or two, just to separate myself from breakups a little bit more. I even went on a date on Saturday night. (although I think the 2nd date got shot down. But I was miserable and depressed all day. On my way home, I was listening to the music for the first time in a long time, and the song "Yell Fire" by Michael Franti came on. I liked the song, and had no associations between her and it whatsoever... then I remembered a music video she'd posted ot my Facebook a long time ago that was by Michael Franti, 'Say Hey (I love you)"... I already felt like crap, but that was too much. I barely closed the apartment door behind me before I completely broke down and started crying for the first time in at least a week. Suddenly, I was back to the miserable wretch I'd become after the breakup. I felt betrayed, alone, abandoned, useless, unloved, and worthless.

 

Yesterday was the summer solstice, and it was beautiful outside. My sister had taken my dog for a long walk, so I was in the apartment by myself with 2 cats. What did I do with the beautiful day outside? I sat and watched TV, streamed the remaining episodes of season 4 of 'Dexter' and trolled OK Cupid, trying to convince myself that there wasn't a shortage of single women in the world. -Of course, I didn't email a single one... my mind couldn't even pretend to be jovial enough to write a convincing email, and even if it could, "what if they don't reply back?" kept lurking in my thoughts, "MORE rejection" was my reply.

 

I don't get it... I really thought I was doing well. I'd actually begun feeling better day to day, and actually felt happy on several occasions. Yesterday, I just wanted to die. -Not kill myself, just wanted the world around me to end. I will admit, my Dark Passenger was whispering a few suggestions in my ear, but I paid it no mind as usual. I want to be past this. I want to be able to find the relationship I can spend the rest of my life in. But every time I think I've found it, the rug just gets yanked out from under me, and I wind back up at square one. My previous ex and I were engaged... but after her drinking and other personal issues, we broke it off, and I was glad to have the chance to meet the right person for me. Then I met my most recent ex and... well, a year and a half later, here I am. I hadn't been on ENA before, but this was familiar territory, and it was a hundred times worse than it had ever been before.

 

I've got 2 friends getting married this summer. Another good friend was married last summer. On our way back from his wedding, my ex was talking about "our wedding." I really thought this was it, I'd finally met "The One." Instead, I got my heart broken all over again, all the while, other people around me are finding/have found that person and are in happy relationships. That's all I want is to just find that one person, and build a life together.

 

I begin to wonder if some of this is karma for my past relationships... years ago, I dated a girl, "Beth" for 9-10 months. I dumped her because we fought nearly every day, and pretty much viewed the relationship as a job, not something I enjoyed. She'd become excessively clingy; one night, after spending an entire evening together, I had to go home (still living with my parents) at 11pm because I had to be at work at 6am the next day. I was barely gone 10 minutes, when she called crying because I'd had to leave. She kept me on the phone until 3am, sobbing and crying because I had left, even though she'd completely been aware I was going to be going home at the end of the night because my parents didn't approve of me sleeping over, and since I was still under their roof, I had to make concessions in that regard. When I broke up with her, I broke her heart. She kept breaking NC to try and get me to come back, but I was firm in my decision. It took her the better part of 5 months to get over me. She finally got over me with a guy who ultimately turned out to be a rebound. She started dating him less than a month after the last time she tried reconnecting with me. They moved in together after a few months, and lived together for about a year and a half before she broke up with him, but that was what it took for her to get over me.

 

My other karmic retribution is something I am not proud of at all. A couple of years later, I'd been dating a girl, "Lindsey" for a little over a month, and while she was clearly falling for me, I just wasn't feeling anything toward her. I decided to just pull back and do the "Office Space" thing... I'd just let the problem work itself out. I went extremely LC, but never directly implied that I wanted to break up. During this time, she brought up the concerns that she may be pregnant, as she was late. I freaked out because I was only 23 and knew I wasn't in love with this girl, nor could I see any future with her. I stayed in my LC frame of mind, trying to figure out how I was going to do this, whether I could commit myself to her for the sake of the child, and how I was going to explain things to my parents. Well, while I was doing all that, she decided that she would rather not go through that alone, and had the abortion. I won't lie, she'd mentioned she was considering it to me. I didn't tell her to have it, but I didn't tell her not to, either.

 

I've felt guilty as hell about that ever since. It was a complete a-hole move on my part to behave the way I did. The fact I was 23 doesn't even begin to excuse it. I hurt her in my actions, and I drove her to make the decision she made. These are things I have to live with the rest of my life... the heartbreak I caused for Beth, my actions pushing Lindsey to have the abortion... neither of them wouldn't have gone through these things in life if it wasn't for me. I was a world-class jerk. And now, maybe the way my last relationship ended is just the proverbial chickens coming home to roost. I thought I'd paid my karmic debt through my previous relationship, with the emotional abuse that came from her alcoholism. Guess I was wrong about that.

[corgidude]

*Sigh* Today isn't shaping up to be much easier. Try as I might to change it, that stupid song keeps getting stuck back in my head, and it's bringing me down. I can't really listen to music at my work, but no matter what I do, it just keeps getting stuck in my head.

 

I'm at 3 weeks of solid NC, and suddenly I'm missing her pretty heavily. In fact, I'm slipping back into a pretty solid state of depression. This wedding I'm going to next week... of all my friends who will be there, I've realized I'm going to be the only one who's single. -To top it off, the last time I was in a wedding was in that very city and my ex was with me. We had such a great time at that wedding, and now the thought of being at a wedding without her...

 

Augh, I just want this to stop. Every time I start to think I'm doing better, somehow I trip and find myself right back here. She's out having the time of her life now that I'm gone, and I keep falling into the same rut and feeling miserable. I almost don't even want to go to the wedding now... I'm afraid of what it might do to me to be in that similar situation and finding myself missing her. -Especially if there's going to be alcohol... I've barely drank since she left me for fear of what I might do if I had too much.

 

For as far as I thought I'd come, I suddenly feel like I'm back to square one. -And I didn't even break NC!!! I know a lot of people wind up where I'm at because they or their ex broke NC, but I've kept at it for 3 weeks, and suddenly, I'm feeling just as bad as I did when I first started it, or even like I did after the breakup. Dammit, I don't want to miss her anymore. I either want to be over her or back together with her... whichever, just as long as I don't keep feeling like this.

[hausser]

Dude I've read this with interest. You are obviously in a mild depression (guilt about past relationships). You're just going through a "trough" man, you know what I'm at sday 21 of NC and am the same today, I was out the garden with the dog and suddenly reminded of when we first moved here almost a year ago and all the effort she made.

 

How is the housing situation looking?

[VictorVic]

Up and down days are going to happen all the time. You will have a day where you seem fine and then maybe 2 or 3 straight days that feel like the first week again. I still have down days but at least I have a few up days sprinkled in myself. 7 weeks no contact. For me I def picture myself with other girls and can see myself being happy again. Thats what its all about. You even said yourself you were engaged before. Then what happened? You met this new girl who you thought was the one. Does that mean you found 2 girls you thought were the one? Whos to say you wont find another girl? You will. Throw on Michael Buble, "I just haven't met you yet" I get through my days excited as hell thinking about the next girl in my life, wether its serious or just some sort of exciting fling. Try and get out of the house. I have forced myself out about 4 or 5 times in the last few weeks and almost every time I noticed a girl, talked to a girl, hung out with a girl, etc. Theres so many girls in the world and you start to notice them again, and if you feel confident they will notice you. I was so use to my relationship I never even tried to talk to girls and couldn't notice them, but now I feel like myself in my college years again, just confident and funny. Theres only 2 real ways to get over a breakup. Time and someone else. I don't think anyone should jump into a relationship with both feet though until a decent amount of time has passed and they have really built a foundation of happiness. Best of luck bud.....Get through the down days and enjoy the up days

[mat347]

I havent read the whole thread but mostly just this page. I feel for you and can relate. Enjoy your dog, my ex and I got a awesome German Shepherd together and she has her still. I miss that dog everyday. And I know what you mean about looking at dating sites and having those negative thoughts. I'm only on one week NC after I tried setting up a time to hangout with her and our dog at a park (it was her idea in the first place) but she pretty much blew me off and never let me know.

 

"Dammit, I don't want to miss her anymore. I either want to be over her or back together with her... whichever, just as long as I don't keep feeling like this." - That sums it up for me also.

[fifregister]

You know Corgi, after every heart break I begin to think that karma is getting back at me for behaving badly in a previous relationship. But at the end of the day, we function poorly in certain relationships that somehow didn't fit us. Hopefully you learned from them and grew as a person.

 

It took me 6 months to get over a 2 year live-in relationship. I was a wreck and did everything possible, from guilt trips, to sex, to NC, to try to get my ex boyfriend back. I thought no one in the world would ever be so great and treat me so well again. I thought I never would find the right person. That was 5 years and 6 boyfriends ago. It feels like a lifetime but I remember the pain. It's so raw. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way but it will get better I promise. The yo-yo will continue for awhile. Gradually you'll notice that you'll have longer periods of time between the sad waves, and one day it will disappear totally. The waiting is the hardest part, but you can do it!

 

Please continue to post and keep us updated on your progress. I'm going through a break up myself and I find a lot of comfort in this forum. It helps to get it out on paper.