I don't want to do this anymore

[corgidude]

I am so tired of feeling this way. For a brief period, I thought I was doing better, I really did. I went about a week or so without really even tearing up at the thought of her, and was even starting to entertain the idea of maybe trying to date to regain that validation of knowing someone was interested in me.

 

Last weekend, it all came crashing down around my ears AGAIN. I had to start packing to move out of the apartment we once shared. I was going to spend Sunday packing, then just focus on moving out on Monday. I didn't pack a damn thing until Monday morning, because I didn't want to move, didn't want to pack up my life, didn't want to believe that the dream of our life together was truly over. That Sunday, I cried my damn eyes out. Monday was just as bad. -Scratch that, it was worse. I was cleaning off my computer desk and found both a birthday and a Valentine's card she had given me. I had no control, I opened and read both, then spent the next hour sobbing while I packed up my life.

 

Tuesday, she came by to help me clean the apartment. I was glad to see her, and that she at least no longer was acting like she hated me. We talked briefly as to why she'd gotten so mad at me before, and cleared that up. Everything was going as well as could be expected, until she found my ferry ticket. -On our third date, I decided I wanted to date her, so I went for a big romantic date. We took a ferry to Bainbridge Island, just as the sun was setting. We had a nice dinner, then rode the ferry back. It wasn't over the top, but it was quiet and romantic. We even agreed that was our anniversary date, because we both decided we wanted to date each other that night. Anyway, she found my ticket, and asked if I wanted to keep it. She said she still had hers, and suddenly, I was fighting tears. I once again tried the reconcilation talk. Stupid of me, I know. -But I wasn't prepared for that tidal wave of emotions from seeing that goddamn ticket. She was nice about the conversation, but told me she feels like she has her life together and is happier now. She also told me she didn't feel as strongly as I did about wanting to get back together. It was an emotional day for both of us, and she said that she was going to need a few weeks before we could even talk again as a result.

 

Then for me, it was off to go live with my sister in her 1 bedroom apartment. I'm now living on my futon in someone's front room, while I wait for the stupid house I'm trying to buy to close. She's got her own apartment, is in the area she wanted to live in, and her life is great and happy because she's got all her friends to hang out with as often as she wants. I'm living on my futon, almost all my things are crammed into a 5x10' storage unit, I have only 4 friends in the area, only 2 of which I see with any regularity, 1 I rarely see because of his work, the last is moving away for the summer to be with his GF while she works as a kayak guide.

 

This isn't where I wanted to be in life, regardless of whether or not I'd just been dumped. The fact that I was dumped just makes this that much more of an unhappy situation for me. I'm not happy with my situation in life whatsoever.

 

I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of feeling hopeless. I'm tired of feeling lost. I'm tired of being haunted by the memories of the past. I'm tired of the tears that come unbidden, of the lump in my throat that's just a stray thought away. I'm tired of being tired because I can't even get a decent night's sleep. I'm tired of the dreams that haunt me.

 

My happiness wasn't completely reliant on her, but she was a definite bright spot in my life whenever I needed one. She was there for me when I needed someone, whenever I was upset about anything. And now, I'm so unhappy with how everything in my life is turning out, but I really don't have her there to turn to anymore.

 

I want nothing more than to be comforted, to know that someone actually cares. To know that there's someone who won't just walk out on me. I just want the hurt to stop. I don't want to deal with this anymore. If this is "living the dream" I'd like to wake up now. I hate feeling like this. I just want it to be over.

[stevef20]

Hey buddy,

 

That upset me just reading it, I'm so very sorry you're suffering so much, you know I've been there and bought the t-shirt, it doesn't help you though. Go with the pain my friend, cry, scream, hit a punching, just let it all out and continue doing so, don't let anyone tell you to man up or sort yourself out, what you're experiencing is normal, you've not just lost a partner, you've lost your whole way of life. Think about this... if your body was as broken as your emotions and heart right now, would you try and walk? Of course not, emotions need time aswell buddy.

 

Take each day or even hour at a time for now and just concentrate on getting through it. This is possibly your lowest point, take comfort from the fact you've got through the hardest thing you've ever had to do.

 

I'm here for you always, know that

 

Steve

[whatsthedeal]

I know.. its tough times right now.. you just need to hold on, try to smile at the small things. Time heals things.. its always hard. Ive been through a tough break up previous to this one.. and i keep on telling myself things do get better. But you need to give yourself the chance right.

[Eocsor]

Sorry you are feeling down. The only thing I can tell you is it does get better. It's a long process though. I'm a year and a half into it after my relationship of 14 years went bust. I feel great most of the time, but there are still moments when I think my life sucks.

 

All you can do is keep pressing forward and doing the things you need to do every day. Eventually you get to a place where you fel better. It's a hard journey to be sure, but you will be a much stronger person after. And thats not just a line, it's a truth.

[Gerda]

Ah, I'm right there with you, corgi! Been feeling really good about my breakup recently, but today I find myself feeling really bad. Somebody on here posted something about how recovery is like standing in water and the grief comes in waves--sometimes there's a lull, then they come again, and some days the waves are bigger than others. I've found this to be an accurate analogy. I think of it as not just a wave, but a breaking wave i.e. it's really high right at the beginning--turbulent as the crest reaches its peak and spills over-- and in front of it it seems peaceful, calm, smooth.

 

So I just keep trying to remind myself that he's not worth my tears, that I shouldn't be upset. And then I wait for the sadness to pass. It always does...eventually.

[InLimboForEver]

They say time heals and I truly hope it does, I know some what how you are feeling, since we all feel differently... Its such a big obstacle trying to forget about them and everything else, all the places, moments all the time you had together.... I think the over analyzing and questioning ourselves makes things so much worse, but It cannot be helped.

 

The only thing that helps is trying to keep busy, keep your mind occupied with other stuff... But it always creeps back in... I hide how I feel when I am with my friends, when were out chilling or whatever, but even they notice, when all of a sudden I will blank out and start thinking of her... It just cannot be helped....

 

I really really hope for your sake and for everyone elses that time really really does heal the pain, if not heal it, always make it less and less so much so that we dont feel it as much.... Because there is only a certain ammount of pain any man can take...

[stevef20]

I promise each and everyone of you that have posted here that it does get easier, I'm just over 6 months in now and although I still have moments if deep sadness, they are now occurring less and less (thankfully)

 

Something I did when at your stages was write lists of what I wanted to change in my life then auctioned them, due to this I now have a new job, have taken up Paragliding and wake boarding and exercise everyday, its not a miracle cure but it helped me.

 

Good luck to us all.

[corgidude]

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. I'm just so dissapointed... I really thought I was past this level of grief. I don't know if it was just the move that set me so far back, or if I had somehow just slipped back into the denial stage instead.

 

I want that happiness I once had, when I felt like everything in my life was finally going the way I wanted it to. We had a dog, a cat, were looking at buying a house together... I was even planning on buying a ring and proposing to her. Now my entire world got turned on it's ear... 90% of my stuff is in a storage unit, I'm sharing a 1 bedroom apartment with my sister (we're not overly close, so it's an awkward situation) and I'm living in an area I never wanted to live in. Was my ex the sole source of my happiness? No, I know that. I was unhappy with aspects of my life... lack of friends, etc. But being with her made me feel like, "Hey, at least this part of my life is working out well." I felt okay about things because I had (or so I thought, anyway) someone who would be there for me.

 

My previous ex... no matter how long we were together, I never really saw us working out. But with Sarah (my current ex), I really saw a future. Being together just felt... right. She was so many things I'd been wanting in another person. I still can't believe I lost her, that after everything we shared, she's just... gone. What hurts the most is that her life is happy now... she's got her friends, she has everything she felt like she was missing; but for me, my life turned the opposite direction. Sure, I've got a few friends, but I don't get to see them too often because of work and where they live in relation to me. I don't like where I'm living, or the circumstances in which I'm living. I'm just not at all happy with my life anymore. Like InLimboForEver said, there's only so much pain any man can take, and I think I'm reaching the threshold.

[stevef20]

Buddy,

 

I had the dog, bought the house ( never lived there ) picked a ring and she's pregnant, buddy off I can do this you can.

 

Be strong my friend, you'll get through this, I promise.

[corgidude]

I want to get past this, I really do. The problem is, I'm still so much in love with her. She was the first person I could really and honestly see myself settling down and growing old with. I just can't make those feelings go away, no matter what I've tried. I don't know, maybe I need to rebound onto someone... I just can't figure what it's going to take to get off this kick. I thought I was doing so much better... Right now, I'd even go so far as to say I'm terrified at the prospect of falling in love with anyone ever again, because there's no way I'll ever want to go through this again. -I don't even know if I could.

[GrowingIn]

I feel you man. I go through these phases myself. Just yesterday I made a great and upbeat thread on here on how NC isn't hard. And I still feel the same way about that aspect.

 

But the other aspect of it, the suffering, the loneliness, is still very much there. Today, for no reason at all I woke up feeling so down and I've just been crying inside all day. I barely got my work done, fighting through my feelings and delaying them with the full intention of having some sort of crying session tonight and just letting some feelings out because something's definitely still there inside me that needs to be released. I even looked through some old pictures, though I did end up deleting all the ones in which we were together.

 

The absolute hardest part for me isn't that I am alone, it is that I have 0 direction and cannot decide on what I want to do with my life so I can get going. It's killing me and it's what's keeping me standing still. That's why when I am in a relationship, I'm happy, because career, other activities just are not as important to me(and of course I realize this is bad like everybody says, but it is the truth). I didn't care what I did as long as the money went towards creating a family. Because that's what I wanted. I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I DO KNOW that I want a family. That is one thing I do know. And to make it worse I have basically NO one to talk to when I need to blow off some steam. NO ONE. I am 100% isolated. I see one friend at night and another on the weekend and family's around, but I can never actually talk about my feelings with any of them or especially when I need them.

 

Getting over the break up isn't the hard part for me. Neither is NC. It's the moving on alone part. People who already have goals have an easier time. Me, I just get stuck. I will say this though and hopefully it will pick you up a bit. When my ex wife left me, it was a month after we already bought our home. Believe me it's a lot harder being left in that situation, not just from a financial standpoint and other complication, but because every day after work I would be going back to "our home" alone. That was the killer. Being in that dream that was built together and that house alone. So at least be happy you split up BEFORE you closed on your house.

 

You may feel bad about your break up, but at least you're going to be moving into YOUR house, ALONE, without memories of your relationship inside those walls. I wish mine would have left me a month or so before I bought that house. My entire life would be in a different place right now.

[dramallama]

You don't have to even think about dating anyone. Not at this point. But this is the hardest part. You are facing the pain now and it needs to be worked through so that you can come out the other side. It's always hard to start afresh, especially when it's burdened upon you and you weren't expecting it. But that is life. You will come out stronger, and time truly does heal.

[stevef20]

It's time my friend plain and simple, its ok to feel the way you do, its normal, please don't fight it or even try to, go with it, let it out and let time do the rest.

[corgidude]

So on top of everything, I found out last night that my sister is going to be closing on her new condo very soon. Unfortunately, it's even farther away from my work, and in an area that I have absolutely no desire to live in at all. -I barely even want to live where I'm at now, but unfortunately, I didn't have many choices in front of me. I have no idea what's going to happen now... I don't want to move even farther away from everything, and I don't want an even longer commute to/from work. Regardless of what happens, I have to move AGAIN already... wonderful.

 

Last night, I was driving home and suddenly the pain and tears took over, and I was crying like it all just happened yesterday. I got back to my sister's, and looked aimlessly through the ENA forums, like I was trying to find some magic solution that could make the pain go away. My friend who's leaving for the rest of the summer called, and we went out to see a movie. -Unfortunately for me, the theater we decided on was the one my ex and I went to almost any time we went to see a movie. Feeling bad already, I pretty much was reduced to tears the entire drive there. I managed to dry my eyes, saw the movie, and at least acted like I was doing better than I was. I got back to my sister's later on, and on the counter saw she had picked up a 'Notice to Vacate' form in anticipation of her moving into her new place.

 

I went over, turned on the TV and curled up on my futon. Nothing in my life is working out remotely in my favor. Even something as simple as having a place to live is just getting turned upside down. Why? Why is her life working out for everything she wants, and mine doing the complete opposite? I lost her, I lost my hopes and dreams for our relationship, I lost the family I thought we would have, I lost my way of life, I even lost my privacy and independance in having a place to live. What do I have anymore? A dog, a cat, a 50 square foot storage unit with my life crammed into it, and a whole lot of uncertainty and unhappiness.

 

When it rains, it really pours... I hate my life.

[RecentlyAlone]

You have to stop comparing your life to hers And you really don't know everything that is going on with her life. I'm sure she is struggling with things you don't even know about. But that is besides the point because as hard as it may be you need to forget about her and just work on YOU! Things will turn around, you're just at a low point right now, we've all been there. When is your place supposed to close? I'd be grateful to have a sister who has a futon you can crash on Just remember it's only temporary! Once you get your new place you'll be able to get settled and move on with your life.

[stevef20]

I don't know what to say to you buddy, you're at that lowest point, get through each day for now, work, go the gym do whatever just get through the shock you're in right now, the only way is up now my friend, keep that in mind and please don't think what she is now having the perfect life, I'm sure she will be hurting to.

 

1 day at a time

[corgidude]

I really have no idea as to when my place is supposed to close. It's a short sale, which means I have to wait for the seller's bank to approve the sale before it can even begin to move forward. But right now, there's nobody even assigned to the file, so it's just sitting and not moving forward. After everything gets approved, I still have to wait 40 days before I can close. Basically I've got 40 plus ??? days until I can close/move in. I've already been waiting 2 months for anything to move forward, and still no sign of anything changing in my favor.

 

I don't even know if I want to buy a house anymore, to be honest. I only started looking because it made sense, and I thought it would be the next step of our life together. When she left me, I still kept looking, because I thought I'd better have something to show for it, since I so doggedly held onto the idea of buying a place, which is what gave her doubts to begin with. I guess I just felt like if I was going to lose her, I wanted to at least achieve that much. But for all that it's cost me in my personal life, for all the stress it's caused me due to moving, etc... I just don't know if it's ever going to be worth the non-monetary price I had to pay.

 

I didn't want to move out of my old place to begin with... I didn't want to give up my privacy and independance, and I didn't want to live in the area my sister lives in. Now I'm going to have to move yet another time, and I have no idea where to. I REALLY don't want to move even further north to where my sister's new condo is. I'm already depressed as hell, and the fact that nothing is seeming to work in my favor isn't helping that. I just want SOMETHING to go right in my life for a change. It's hard to even want to move along with your life when there's just nothing happening in it that's worth moving on for.

[corgidude]

I logged in to Facebook to start trying to clear out the old photos of us. I got about 3 done, and couldn't handle it anymore. I miss her so much, it just breaks my heart to think all those photos have to go away, and all those memories have to fade. In a moment of weakness, my first in over 2 weeks, I looked up her page. (she has no privacy settings) She's living her life and is acting way happier than she did in the last few months of our relationship. I guess being with me really was that horrible for her... she just seems so happy now.

 

This isn't fair!!! She has no idea how much I loved/still do love her, and I don't even mean enough to her for her to care one way or the other! She doesn't know or care how bad I'm hurting now. It's like I never existed, practically. I want to be mad at her, I want to hate her, but I can't. My stupid heart still loves her, despite all of this. All I ever wanted since the day we met was to be with her. When she first told me she loved me... I couldn't have been happier. She was talking about "our" wedding once upon a time... and now it's all gone. For the first time, I felt like I actually had everything I really wanted in life, and had it all ripped away from me.

 

I'm not dealing with this well at all, I admit it. I don't know why I've regressed so terribly. I can't seem to get past this... she was almost everything I ever wanted in another person. The combination of qualities she had were rare. -I know a lot of people will say this, but honestly, I've looked. I've dated enough people to know that the combination of qualities she has that I was looking for are not easy to come by. It kills me to know that despite how strong my feelings are, how much I care, there's nothing that can be done. I'm just tired of always losing. I'm tired of my life. I think I'd like to be done now.

[twitchyfingers]

Hey, corgi,

 

Moving sucks under the best of circumstances. It churns up a lot of emotions -- things like finding the ferry ticket just trigger all sorts of memories, especially when they're attached to a breakup.

 

And not having a nice place to settle into, and make your own, is super stressful. I've done the living-on-the-couch thing after a breakup, and it was soooo hard. You don't even have privacy to get a good cry in. Everything feels so unsettled...just at a time when you need SOMETHING to count on in all the emotional chaos.

 

I wish I had something encouraging to say that doesn't sound like a frikkin' cliche, but damnit, I don't. All's I gots are "hang in there" and "time heals".

 

I hope you can do something you enjoy to break up the dark mood. Maybe find time to visit a part of your area you love, and just walk around and clear your head.

[staying strong]

Learn from your missed opportunities from this relationship and take that to your next one. You need to grow in this aspect so this doesn't happen again. You need to be strong and confident. How do you think your ex would react if she read your posts? I was in the exact same position you are in, but instead of feeling sad, i let her go with love, just like the quote in my signature says. If you love her like you say you do, wouldn't you just want her to be happy weather or not it was with you? True love is not selfish or boastful.

 

If your ex saw your current state, would she feel sorry for you or be like, 'this guy is obsessed with me' attitude? Wouldn't you rather have her see you as a confident, strong guy who can handle his own?

 

Start hitting the gym or running. That's what i did, and i'm in the best shape of my life. I lost 50lbs and got muscular. I'm way more confident and happy, and women are starting to notice me.

 

Remember, you choose how you want to feel. Read my thread...it's in my signature as well. I hope it helps you.

[corgidude]

Ugh, I am so SICK of this damned yo-yo I seem to be on... one day I actually feel okay, the next I feel like everything just happened yesterday, and the day after that I'm anywhere in between...

 

While I don't find myself waiting for my phone to ring or to get a text from her, I still hope that eventually it will. I don't want to break NC and even further destroy whatever miniscule chances there are for a reconciliation. (and I'm fairly certain they're next to non-existant) I'm also somewhat upset because this Friday she's leaving for a family trip to North Carolina, a trip that not too long ago, I was going to be going on with her as well. I'd even planned to do the 'old fashioned' thing and ask her dad for his blessing to ask her to marry me. I'll admit, a small part of me hopes that maybe spending the trip with her parents, her brother & his girlfriend, and visiting her best friend who lives in NC and is also happily married... maybe some of that will trigger a spark of nostalgia for me, especially since only a few months ago, it was planned that I'd be there as well. -But reality is probably somewhere more along the lines of her just having fun, and me being a distant memory flickering accross the back of her mind at best.

 

It's been 3 months since the beginning of our breakup. I've done what I can to try and improve my life, although things are somewhat stalled. I'm still waiting on the final approvals so that I can finally begin the closing process on my house, and in the meantime sharing a 1 bedroom apartment with my sister. (hardly ideal) I'm trying what I can to see about meeting new people, though that's proving somewhat difficult. When we were 5, it was easy... see a couple of kids tossing a ball around, ask if you can join in, and in hardly any time, you're all friends. I know that I won't have any real options for me over the 4th of July weekend to hang out with anyone in town (the few people I know have all got other plans) but I was thrown a bit of a life preserver in that one of my friends is getting married July 2nd, so I'll be at least at a wedding with a lot of friends I haven't seen in a couple of years. -But it's also a wedding, so I'm hoping that A) doesn't get me too down considering recent events, and B) There are enough single attractive women there to help distract me from point A.

 

After the wedding, I'll probably spend a few days in Billings and possibly celebrate the 4th there, then head back to my hometown area and spend the rest of the week there with some old friends who won't be at the wedding. (different circle of friends) I'm hoping the time apart from my life out here will help maybe get my mind off of some things. But there are a couple of downsides... The last time I made the drive to the Billings area, it was for another friend's wedding, and my ex went along with me. Simply put, I'm afraid of the nostalgia creeping up on me and hitting me between the eyes. I'm hoping to catch a ride or have someone ride with me from Missoula to Billings so I don't have to spend the ride alone with my thoughts. It's also an 8 hour drive from Seattle to Missoula. 8 hours alone with my thoughts is a scary idea, still. At least over the course of any given day, I have work, internet, TV, books, Xbox, etc to give my mind a distraction. This is also a drive she and I made together a couple of times, and the last time I drove it without her, we were still together and everything was still fine. I haven't had to do any of these things solo yet.

 

I'm also trying to get myself interested in other women, just to try and see if I can't get my mind to change it's focus a bit (think of the song 'Help Me Rhonda' by The Beach Boys). Sometimes, it actually works, and I can actually start to imagine my life dating someone else. Other times (like right now) I just find myself missing the good times we used to have, longing for them to not be gone. I guess I just wish I knew I wasn't the only one thinking/feeling this way. There's a cute woman who works on the same floor as me who always smiles and makes an effort to say hi to me whenever she sees me. We rode the same elevator this morning, and she even initiated conversation. -I have no clue if that means she's just friendly or actually interested in me, but I actually found myself musing over how I'd even go about attempting to ask her out, etc. (I know, work relationships=BAD; however we don't work directly together, we only have offices on the same floor, and I only ever incidentally see her in passing once or twice in a week at most. But even still, I'm reluctant to dip my pen in the company ink... probably getting way too ahead of myself, though)

 

The thing is, I'm ready to settle down and be done dating. I want to find that right person for me, and build a life together. I think that's why this whole thing hit me so hard, I finally had everything I'd ever wanted (or so I thought) and suddenly had the rug yanked out from under my feet. Suddenly, she no longer wanted to live together, aborted the pregnancy just days after finding out it existed, and walking out of our life together. To get back to the point where a life with someone is possible, the dating, the getting to know all about them, etc... I really don't look forward to having to do all of that all over again with someone new. And yet, if I want any of the above, I'm going to have to. Drat!

 

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble a little bit. I guess I just needed to vent, but I figured why make a whole new thread? If nothing else, there's a bit of a contrast between my last post and this one, so I can maybe measure a bit of what changes there have been. I just want to get my life back on track after all of this. I'd love it if she could be a part of my life, but I'm trying to accept that she probably won't be. And whether or not that's reality, I still don't like it too much.

[soru]

To be honest, I'd go for the worker girl. She seems to be interested in you, and she's cute too right? Go for it.

[irishgerry]

Man i know how you feel about trips etc that you were due to go on with her, they are the worst. My ex's brothers wedding is this Friday and that really started the breakup, we always said yeah I will be going but then I think the closer we got to it the more it hit home that she wasnt ready for something serious etc. It sucks but just make sure you have plenty on yourself to keep your mind off her going away.

[hausser]

Mate you will feel A LOT BETTER when you move out.

 

You got lumbered with the dog too eh? I'm sure everyone on ENA is sick of hearing about my dog lol.

 

You know that thing you were saying about doing things on your own that you used to do with her? Well do them! Once you do them once they are never as poigniant again.

 

Living with your sis in a one bed flat is not good for any longer than neccesary dude.

[corgidude]

Actually, I chose to keep the dog... getting him was my idea, and I'm the one who paid for him, so it was really no contest. He and the cat were kind of a package deal, since they're best buds, but I chose to take them both. -Frankly, I'm glad I did, because if it wasn't for them, I'd have waaay too much solitude.

 

I am looking forward to my friend's wedding overall. Frankly, there's going to be a good crowd of people there overall, and the wedding is going to pretty quickly just transform into one big party. It'll probably be the first time I'll have gotten drunk since my breakup. (I've had a beer or two here & there, but I've managed to completely refrain from letting myself get drunk since she left) And there's going to be a few single girls at the wedding too, so who knows what may come of that? My greatest concern is the drive, but a friend made a suggestion to me for something to do during the drive... audiobooks. Frankly, I think it's a brilliant idea, because listening to music, etc can stir a lot of thoughts, feelings, etc. But an audiobook on the other hand, you're focusing more on the story, so your mind doesn't have as much freedom to wander. -Plus, he told me that one of my favorite book series, 'The Dresden Files' is on audiobook, so I'm thinking I may just be spending my car trip listening to the adventures of Chicago's only wizard/private investigator.

 

As far as my living situation goes... hausser, I could not agree more. I just wish that I could get an actual closing date so that I have something to count down to in terms of getting out of there and into a place that is MINE. Lol, I love my sis, but we've never been that close, and this is extremely close quarters. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I won't have to go much further than August 1 before I can get out of there.

 

As far as the girl who works on my floor... I do kinda think she might be interested in me, though I've usually been oblivious to these things before. The other thing is, the part of me that vaguely remembers what it was like being a single guy really doesn't have a bleeding clue as to how to go about actually asking her out, etc. Since we work in the same building, it might or might not make for an awkward dynamic... not to mention I've never been much good at picking up women. Usually my exes have either been friends of friends that I've gotten to know, or I've met them through a dating site. I guess there's always time to learn, eh?