The acceptance stage is the hardest stage in the healing process

[deavyin]

When you first go through a break up you cry and wail, beg and plead but you still hold onto hope that you can change their mind. You argue and bicker with one another but you are at least in contact with them on a semi regular basis. It's a tough time for sure. You can't sleep, you can't eat and you go from anger to depression seemingly on a whim. Eventually you decide to go NC and stick with it because everything up to this point get's you nowhere.

 

So, you start NC. You think "the'll miss me and realize their mistake and come running back to me". A couple weeks go by and you don't hear anything from them so you freak out and break NC. You eagerly wait their reply to your text/email whatever and your mind runs through all the possible scenarios. You convince yourself that you KNOW what they are going to say (that it's over) but you are really hoping that they come back saying "god, i miss you so much, I made such a terrible mistake". When they say exactly what you convinced yourself they'd say it crushes you and sets you back to day 1. You smarten up and realize it's NC for good.

 

A few more days go by and you hit the acceptance stage. You realize it's over for good and they are never going to come back. This is where it get's hard (at least for me). You no longer have hope to cling to like a safety blanket. You lay in bed and realize you'll never wake up aside them again. You drive around your car and realize they'll never sit in your passanger seat again. You go to all the places you went to with them and realize you'll never go there with them or do those things with them again. You start to accept that you are now officially single. You are no longer in a relationship with this person and, in all honesty, you'll probably never see them (not true in my case; coworker) or speak to them again. This realization can be crushing but I guess it's necessary.

 

in the initial stages of shock, denial, anger and bargaining you feel like you are still in the relationship. You cling to the person however you can because it feels like it hasn't ended quite yet. You are both still going through the process of terminating the relationship which means the relationship still exists...right? Once you hit acceptance you realize that it's over and it's you against the world.

 

Slowly NC continues and the days, weeks and months move along like molasses. You begin to be 'ok' with the facts at hand and you slowly begin to think of them less and less. One day we'll all get to that point (regardless of how we feel right now). Our bodies are capable of feeling great pain after a break up but our bodies are not designed to hold onto that pain forever.

 

So, I feel for all of you who are in the same stage as me (acceptance). It's a painful place to be but I think it's truly the beginning of the healing process. I miss the arguing, face to face chats and constant texts messages back and forth. I miss having hope for reconciliation because it felt like I was still a part of her life.

 

Once the dust settles and you realize it's over...that's when it's time to move on. It's not an easy task but it's one we all are forced to do right now.

[20pence]

Thanks for your post - it sums up the acceptance stage perfectly I'm there at the moment and i know exactly what you mean about even missing the arguing, because that's at least some attachment to them!

 

Hope you feel better soon - stay strong

 

I'd also like to add that (well this has been my own experience) I'd get through a week having maybe one good day, one day where I didn't want to cry all day, one day where I felt a bit happier. Slowly these days multiplied and now i have quite a few good days a week I'm sure you will too!! It's all about being patient, it's a frustratingly slow process.

 

G x

[AJ-65]

God, I can relate to that. I too am at the acceptance stage. It's really hard and I hope it is the true beginning of healing. Thanks for the post.

[livestrong23]

I am there as well. Having the toughest time not texting to say hello or miss you or something because my heart is fighting it. But with every hour and every day that I don't hear from her now, it slowwwwwwwwly sinks in more and more...and soon it will be completely gone

[mark4]

I am also in the acceptance stage, ups and downs... we can do it!!!

[deavyin]

I wrote the post because I ran into her again at work today. Was in the copy room and i heard someone walk in. I glanced over and it was her in a beautiful blue dress looking amazing. She quickly did something and then walked right out without saying a word to me. It made me realize that this is how things are going to be from now on. There was a time less than 2 months ago when she would have her coworker tell her when I was walking into the copy room so she could join me there and make chit chat (when we were together). Now, it's purely by chance and I can tell just how uncomfortable she is around me.

 

It was then that I realized IT'S OVER. I have accepted it completely. The girl that once left cute notes all over my desk and sent me sexy pics of her during work hours is now a stranger to me and wants nothing to do with me at all.

 

That's when you realize you hit the acceptance stage. When there is absolutely nothing you can do to change their mind because they have already put as much thought into it as they can and they are cemented in their decision.

 

I envy all you people who never have to see their ex again. It was like that for me in the past and it was so much easier. Day by day we'll get better.

 

You are right. We'll have a day where we don't feel absolutely horrible (for me it's mostly the weekends) and then we'll have days where we feel like utter * * * * . Eventually we'll have more days where we feel ok and less days where we feel horrible. Eventually the pain we fill will become a dull ache that sits in the back of our minds. In time the pain will fade and only resurface when we hear a certain song or pass by a certain place.

 

I think that even in the acceptance stage we still hold onto a little hope. At least during the initial weeks/months. This is the time where we have to reconcile with the fact that they are no longer part of our lives. As NC continues forward we can't help but think they have to go through the same reconciliation as we do. They will never wake up in bed next to us. They will never drive in a car with us. They will never go to the same places or do the same things with us. It's easier for them because it's what they want but there has to be an adjustment period for them too. Even if they left you for another person (as is my case).

 

But it's what we need to do.

 

Here is a little numbers game I thought up and it's especially helpful for those who were left for someone else.

 

We all know that there is a 50/50 chance for all relationships to work out. If you are left for someone else it's probably an even less chance for the new relationship to work out. I don't say this to give people hope for reconciliation because, honestly, i'll get to that in a minute. I do think that it helps us get over the situation a little bit better to think this way though. Too many of us (me included) believe that the new guy/girl will be in their life forever. Their relationship is way better and they'll eventually get married. While it does happen, it's more the exception to the rule. It's a new relationship just like any other relationship and it has just as good of a chance as the relationship you were in with your ex. However, they left you for another person which shows in their character. If they can do it once they can do it again. It probably means they are committment phobic too and that's never a good recipe for success.

 

As for reconciliation:

let's be generous and say there is a 20 percent chance that you'll get back together with your ex. That is being very generous.

 

Let's also be very generous and say that, of the people who do get back together, there is another 20 percent chance that the new relationship will work out.

 

I don't know how to exactly figure out those odds but they don't sound too good to me.

 

As painful as it is, it's best to accept that it's over. That ties into the acceptance stage. Just don't beat yourself up over their new relationship. Convince yourself right now that they won't last because it's the only thing that can make it ok in the immediate. Over time you won't care if they last and you, just like i did in the past, will feel ambivalent when you find out they broke up.

[Eocsor]

It's a process. You'll cycle through the stages of grieving. Some days you'll thionk you're OK wwith things and you've moved on. Other days you'll be back crying like a baby. You'll go through the process at your own speed. Some will take a shorter time, some longer. Don't compare yourself to others, everyone is unique in the time it takes to truly accept that things are over and move on.

[swann]

Good thread. I am in this very stage right now as well. It has gotten easier somewhat since we don't speak now (over 2 weeks and I don't expect to hear from her at all now) as she has moved on and had moved on way before I even knew what was happening.

 

deavyin, you mentioned you envy the ones who will never have to see their ex again and thankfully I am one of those people who in all likely hood will never see her again, at least in person. Only now on FB and that still stings somewhat. I feel for you having to work with your ex. That would be rough but I hope you keep the strength to carry on and come out a much better man for it. Funny how you also mentioned this girl "is the one who once left cute notes on your desk and sent you sexy pics of herself is now a complete stranger to you and wants nothing to do with you at all now" Same thing with me. She was "all in" and then was "all out" except enough to keep me hanging on for several months. I have said it several times on here, for me it was all real and with her I don't have a clue as to what was real and what wasn't.

 

Anyway, good thread and hopefully it helps all of us some.

[deavyin]

Hey swann,

 

That's one of the most painful parts about it. I was totally in from the get go and it seemed like she was the same way. She was constantly getting me out with her and calling me up at like 9 at night saying "can I come over and watch a movie". Then when she'd get to my place she'd say "can i stay the night?" like she even had to ask.

 

We join a soccer team together and she meets the captain and then all of a sudden BAM the lights go out and i'm old news.

 

It really sucks working with her. Luckily I don't work WITH her just in the same office.

 

My advice to you is keep away from facebook. I did a really bad job of that at first and it tore me up inside. At first she was posting just random stuff about what she was doing and it hurt to see how well she was, seemingly, doing in her new life. Then I saw the one thing you DO NOT want to see. It confirmed my worst fear. I already knew she was leaving for the captain of our team but she told me she wasn't going into it with the intent to settle and didn't know if she ever would. I check her facebook page and see a picture of him with the caption "awesome boyfriend" this is less than a month after we break up. I can't tell you how badly that stung. A couple days later I see a post saying "likes where things are headed". didn't like that much either. Then I see, just over this weekend, a picture of him at her place posted an hour earlier (meaning he was still over there less than 10 minutes from me). Each of these pics already have comments and likes from her family members.

 

Obviously, I have not checked her facebook since then and will not do it again. I even had my friend change the password/email on the account so that I couldn't login (i'll have him change it back in the future when I don't mind seeing her info). I suggest you do the same thing. Facebook is the devil for this kind of stuff.

 

I know it's tough man. I haven't spoken to her in 4 days (before that it was 11 days) and one day i'll be ok and accept that it's over and then the next (like today) I will be in so much pain. I don't even know why too. Either you have a bad dream or you wake up thinking about them and it colors your entire day. It's crazy. No specific thought or event brought this on today. Yesterday i went for a 10 mile bike ride and then hit the gym. Went home and watched tv and felt 'alright' (with strong emphasis on the alright). I woke up today and i'm in a pit of despair. I'm missing her, wondering if i'll ever hear from her again and hoping to god that she changes her mind and comes back to me. Who knows how i'll feel tomorrow it's such a rollercoaster of emotions.

 

I have thought of a million things I want to say to her but I know that nothing could change how things are.

 

I think I know what brought this on though. A well meaning coworker this morning told me she saw her yesterday having a smoke and that she "looked miserable". She then went on to tell me that she probably has noticed my weight loss (she definitely has, everyone has because it's very noticeable) and it's probably eating her upinside. She finished with saying that her new relationship won't last and he's probably terrible to her and beats her (obviously not true).

 

It just kind of sent me spiraling down. Wondering if the distance from me is eating her up inside. I haven't heard her laugh once in the past week or so and she has been avoiding me like the plague at work. The other day she did an obvious double take when she saw me and today i ran into her in the copy room and she was noticably uncomfortable (we haven't said a word to one another in 1.5 months at the office).

 

She got me hoping that this is eating her up inside and it brought everything I had been pushing down up to the forefront.

 

Seeing her car in the parking lot is enough to bring me to my knees. I don't know why I feel the way I do about this girl. The only other person I have felt this way about was my big ex and it took over 6 months to build up those emotions. This girl got me on the hook in less than 3. I hate that there are people on this planet that can make you fall so fast for them. I never believed in love at first sight before I met this girl. I didn't even talk to her for 5 months after working here but I knew who she was and I knew that I was immensely attracted to her.

 

acceptance is a painful process. It's like watching all your hopes and dreams shatter around you.

 

I found myself cursing a god that I don't even believe in. Why would he put this girl into my life and allow me to fall for her so completely and then take her away like this and put me through so much pain? I don't want this life lesson. I've had it before. I was with a girl for 5 years who left me for my best friend of over 10 years (and he was my coworker). Why do this to me again? If there is a god, I think he has a twisted sense of humor. Maybe one day there will be a new new testament with the story of deavyin. He angered god and god decided that, in order to punish him, he would present him with the most perfect girls for him and then give them to other men.

 

If there was a hell, it would feel a lot like this.

[corgidude]

I found myself cursing a god that I don't even believe in. Why would he put this girl into my life and allow me to fall for her so completely and then take her away like this and put me through so much pain? I don't want this life lesson. ...If there is a god, I think he has a twisted sense of humor.

 

Yeah, I know that feeling. My previous ex, I prayed the majority of an 8-hour car drive back to Seattle that she and I could get back together. I had just moved, and she was still living in my old hometown. 2 weeks later, she'd come for a visit, and we decided to give things another go. -That turned into a year-long rollercoaster ride with her ups and downs, which were a result of her apparently being an alcoholic. She was emotionally abusive to me at times, and yet, I still stayed with her, drinking from my cup of shame slowly, relishing each small sip. 2 years ago, I finally had enough, was tired of the relationship, and tired of being treated that way, and we broke up. I was HAPPY that we did, spent the next few months settling my life, then met and started dating my current ex.

 

I've prayed countless times to any higher power that would listen. This time, my prayers fell on deaf ears. If any higher power heard me, they certainly didn't care. How is it that I deserve to have my prayers answered just so I can spend a year in a crappy relationship, and yet go completely unanswered and lose what was a good relationship? -I guess I can take some small comfort in the fact that the universe apparently has it in for me...

 

There's a quote by Vin Diesel in the movie 'Pitch Black', "I do believe in God... and I absolutely hate the mother****er." -Not 100% accurate as to my feelings, but I can understand where the sentiment would come from.

[boyblue]

Think i'm just hitting the cold-realisation of acceptance now! It's been 6 months really since we last properly talked or seen each other, a few awkward convos online and that's it. I deleted everything facebook, number, online chat account so she probably thinks I hate her anyway and have moved on but in truth it was not helping me heal to keep these lines of contact. The thing I think I would most like to say, but know I will never ever have the chance of saying, is I think we could have worked it out, I really do. At the time she was in no mood to do that and was being angry, cold and well really cheeky in some respects so I had to do NC for me to heal and with the slim hope she might reach at some point - she never did and I know will never do now after 6 months of nothing. She was really head-strong and never ever showed emotion + holds grudges and hated talking about these type of things anyway.

 

BB

[Jcl90]

Aww this made me really sad, because I can feel your emotions so deeply. But on the brighter side of things, it takes acceptance to heal, and it takes healing for a successful reconciliation.