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Think it's time to let go... :( (The final, rambling update?)

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I feel so, so sad right now.


I've posted here several times lately. To summarize: I was with my ex-boyfriend for a little over a year. He was my first love, first everything (and I'm a little older than most for that -- currently 25). Things went sour -- he had a lot of personal drama and struggles -- and he broke up with me on New Year's Eve of last year. I went NC for three months. I ran into him eventually, he said he'd made a mistake. We began to reconnect. I thought we were reconciling. We slept together once. Then I thought we were REALLY reconciling. I told him I loved him. He disappeared for two weeks. Then a couple of weeks later, he confessed to my friend while drunk that we weren't going to work out and he just wanted to be friends. Devastating.


After this, we were scheduled to take a trip to visit a mutual friend last weekend and attend a concert. We met up last Wednesday night to try and clear the air before we went. We talked about a lot of things... what we'd felt throughout the reconciling period. I had known I wanted to reconcile. It doesn't appear that he felt that way. I had said I'd thought that we were trying to build a new base of friendship and would see where it would go. He said he felt the same way, but figured I'd cut him out completely if the base of friendship didn't go where I wanted it to go and he didn't want that. I think he was right to feel that way, because I never lost hope. We had a good time that night and decided to go to the concert. I felt like we really understood each other, and remained hopeful that if we could just establish a solid friendship, maybe it would grow into something more.


Night of the concert. Great time. A true blast. When we got back, however, he got super, super upset. He talked about how unhappy he is with his life, how he's been crying himself to sleep, how he wants to leave town (he's been working the same job/living in the same place since high school.... all his friends are moving away or beginning families). His dad is very sick. He doesn't know what to do. I just listen and try to console him. I tell him that if he wants to move, if it feels right, then he needs to move (though it breaks my heart to think of him so far away). He says he does want to move. I think he will. We sleep in separate rooms.


The next morning, I wake up to a NASTY Facebook confrontation between him and one of my best friends (who has never forgiven him for hurting me) that apparently took place after I went to bed. It's personal. It's nasty... name-calling. My friend has sent me a multi-part text that says that until I'm done with him, she is done with me. There's obviously not room in my life for both of them. I'm stunned. He wakes up and asks if I'm okay. We talk about it... it's a good conversation. I say I think they were both in the wrong. We talk a little bit more about how getting back together could ever work if people felt so strongly. We talk about what my other friends think of him. I'm still hopeful... I say I think it could still work.


The following night, we have another big conversation. Perhaps the final conversation. He says I'm amazing, smart, wonderful, etc., but am meant for someone better than him. I say that I don't understand -- if he really thinks those things, why wouldn't he want to try and stay with me? He doesn't even understand why I'm willing to talk to him after the way he treated me in our relationship. He said he is so, so very afraid of hurting me the way he did before, and that he couldn't take doing that again. He wants to move, he wants to make decisions without having to consider other people. He does not want a girlfriend right now... he does not want to date. He thinks that if we're both going to move on to different things, what's the point of starting anything now -- wouldn't that just be harder? I tell him I always figured we could just move on to different things together. He says he cares about me very much, and always wants me in his life. Wants to be really good friends, but will understand if it hurts me too much. I cry, and cry, and cry. I finally say, "I think I just realized that I'm not going to hear what I want to hear...." We go to bed. Separate rooms.


The next day we come back home. While in the car, I get invited to one of his friend's birthday parties via Facebook. I ask him if that's something he'd feel comfortable with me attending. He says of course, so long as I'm comfortable. I get upset, because I don't think I would be, though I wish I could. I ask him if he really thinks we can be friends. I tell him I don't understand how that would work -- I'd feel out of place if he didn't sit next to me at group events, little things like that. I tell him that I'd be hurt if he needed a date for something and didn't take me. He asks if I'd want to know if he ever want on a date with someone else. I say I don't think I could handle that at this point. He said he's not sure how he'd feel about me dating either -- that he'd just accept it as not his business. He says maybe we should just try seeing each other once a week.


I just don't know. I then got very upset, and had some pretty heavy self-realizations. I told him I've been unhappy, so unhappy, since I graduated from college three years ago. I just feel so incredibly lost. I don't know what I'm doing... I hate my job, I hate my lifestyle, I can't seem to find anything to make me feel better. The only time I've felt happy was during the good part of our relationship, which lasted about 6 months. I realized (though I didn't verbalize it) that perhaps my hanging onto this relationship so desperately is a symptom rather than the cause of my unhappiness. I just want happiness back. I also realized, and told him, that he is the first guy I've been close to in any capacity since my dad, who died 11 years ago when I was 14. I think maybe I've been scared to become close to a guy, scared to date, because I've been so scared that they'll leave me like my dad did. And my ex left me. And I am having a really, really hard time dealing with it. He said he'd never put that together... and that I was never going to lose him unless I wanted to lose him.


We parted on good terms... that we'd talk this week, maybe get together. I don't want to lose him. I so very much want to be there for him with his struggles as he so very much seems to want to be there for me. But he just wants to be friends. I don't know if I can be friends. And deep down I finally realize that. All hope seems lost. But I'm still so, so sad. I just don't understand how feelings so strong, so passionate, so loving, can change. How can he no longer feel that way about me? What did I do wrong? And I know that's probably because he's my first... I thought it would last forever. I hoped it would. I can't see past it. I don't know how to.


I think I'm going to try and see a counselor. I just don't know how to deal with all of this. I feel so, so rejected. So lost. So low. Everyone says I need to cut off all contact with him. I think I know I need to for my benefit, to prevent getting hurt, but I just... can't. I want him around now, especially if he thinks he's going to move far away soon. I'm trying to accept that the way we were is no more, will never be again. I just wish we could both figure ourselves out, get to a place where we're okay with ourselves. Be happy with ourselves. And then reconnect. I wish there were just an infinitesimal degree of hope.


I just can't let it go.

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i think you could be friends, but you need to let go of all those feelings you are feeling right now, and thats only going to happen if you keep a good amount of complete 100% NC.. i know its hard but if you don't do this its just going to ruin the relationship and hurt both you and him and it will just make it harder for you and him to just be friends in the long run.. i have never seen people actually work out into friends straight after the relationship, it only works if you let some time pass by.


its like when you hate someone and one day you decide to be "friends" it just doesn't work.. you need time to forget those old feelings and start a whole new relationship


besides dont lie to yourself, deep inside you want that friendship bc you have that hope the two of you will reconcile, and when it doesn't happen its going to be worse for yourself

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It is sooo hard to let go of the first love. Believe you me, I totally understand and I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I really am. I know that you are going to be ok though. I know you are dear. Please hang in there! Counseling is a great idea - good luck.

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