Under what circumstances would you NOT go back?

[Confused123123]

I'm just curious about everyones own opinions and thoughts here....

 

I've heard a lot of people say that there are some circumstances make it harder to reconcile and get back with ex's, for example, cheating, abuse (physical or emotional) and MAJOR differences in long-term goals, like having children, marriage etc.

 

Where as some people still see these things as things a couple can overcome.

 

I was just curious as to what people think about this topic. Are there certain things that you find make it impossible to reconcile? Or which situations do you think allow the biggest chance for reconciliation?

[charity]

if the person cheats once but is honest about it and comes clean, then that is the ONLY SITUATION where i could possible forgive cheating. if he continued an affair which involves lying to me and sneaking around, then that is an absolute bye bye for me. i would not tolerate lying or deceit from my partner.

[Confused123123]

Yes, that's understandable! Good answer!

[OrangeSlice]

Reasons why I would not go back to an ex....

we broke up.

My rule is that regardless of who dumped who, it is best (for me at least) to just never get back together with an ex, better to find someone new.

[Confused123123]

So you wouldn't even consider trying to fix the issues in your relationship to possibly make it stronger than before? What if you truly love them?

[bfla]

Reasons why I would not go back to an ex....

we broke up.

My rule is that regardless of who dumped who, it is best (for me at least) to just never get back together with an ex, better to find someone new.

 

I guess I'm just some pie-in-the-sky optimist, but this attitude always seemed self-defeating to me. It's not like people are static, unchanging robots.

[reidqa]

Mine with experience was cheating.

 

That is correct, no matter what feely good today mindset says "the relationship is damaged forever".

[endy]

I've pretty much never got back with an ex besides one and it was a 3 month disaster. This was after some time had passed as well, and we were both single. I tend to get very hurt, and the mutual trust is just gone for me. It's very hard for me to trust someone again after they have hurt me this way. Lying and cheating is pretty much 100 percent no for me. Others I may think about. There was one ex I tried to get back with and it never happened.

 

This last one didn't cheat, but she did lie and run back to her ex boyfriend. She didn't try to hide it, but she didn't tell the whole truth either. Right now, I wouldn't reconcile with her. If she changed and did some work on herself I may, I may not. I would have to cross that bridge if it ever happens. That's not a possibility right now and it really may never be.

 

A lot of people think love is enough to hold it all together. That love can conquer anything. It's a lot to work through to reconcile. It's a lot to jump over and get over. If both people aren't fit or ready for the work it takes, I don't like the chances of it. You're going to cause more pain for yourself USUALLY. It can work, but from what I've seen and read they seldom do.

[LN1987]

I am really beginning to think that as a dumpee (and someone who was also very unhappy with the person my ex had become for the last 4+ months of our relationship) I would never get back with someone unless they had made obvious changes and also came and admitted their own problems within the relationship. I miss my ex everyday, but he was not satisfying my needs (as he chose not to) and getting back together would take a rekindling of the mutual trust, love and respect that we once had (a very long time ago)

[endy]

LN this is very good that you have come to this realization. Most people should before they even reconsider reconciliation IMO. It honestly takes a significant amount of time growing and healing to be able to say this. I'm in no way over my ex either, but it was basically the same as what you said above. She went back into a relationship a week after we broke up. He seemed to have changed a bit for the better, but I'm pretty sure she didn't. Both people should change for the better, be able to completely forgive and then start ANEW IMO for it to have the best chance.

 

If that doesn't happen, there's really usually no point to it. Both have got to really want it, and really put the same amount of effort into working through the previous issues. I really wish my ex the best, but I see someone now who is ignorant, who has not changed a thing in all of her relationships. I actually asked her when we were together... Have you ever taken a step back and thought about what went wrong in your relationships? Her answer was no, I just thought they weren't the right person for me. So she hasn't changed in a good 10-13 years. Pretty sure I won't ever get back with the recent one

 

Not to say that I was perfect, I wasn't. But I've identified my issues and I'm going to be the best man I can be for the next one. That's all I can do, and it's the right thing to do. If there was no cheating or lying. If the reason is distance or something like that. Those relationships have a good chance and reconciliation being successful after a period of time. Hell just ask DN.

[LN1987]

Endy. My ex is the same. He blames the girls he has dated for the failings. He takes no responsibility, has made no changes, has actually admitted he has no changes he feels he needs to make. I just try to tell myself, "At least i am looking at what went wrong, what I did, admitting my own faults, and working on these things'. I hope in the long run I grow a lot, I find it amusing almost that he thinks he needs no development in the relationship front and I wish him all the best with going through the hoops again!