So sad and angry my relationship is over. Need to go home.

[isagemmied]

Hi... I'm posting here because I'm so hopelessly angry and sad with the situation I'm in, and need to talk to someone and get perspective on what's happened.

I've been married to my husband almost 3 years and we have a 2 year old. He's from Canada and I'm from England, but I moved to Canada to be with him. It's always been hard for us as we haven't had much money, especially at first, and I couldn't work as I didn't have a permit... we were always waiting for something- my visa, or a better job for him, the baby to be born, etc.

I'd say in retrospect we were never actually happy for more than a few days at a time, but we told ourselves it was only circumstances. We thought we were soulmates... at least that's what he told me, in the beginning. It was us against the cruel world, and we were artistic, brilliant people together. We just didn't end up doing much artistic or brilliant.

Then, when I came to Canada, everything gradually changed, until we did nothing fun together anymore, and he started behaving more and more like being with me, and later with our child, was a chore- something to be endured. I tried to arrange fun activities for us to do, but it was hard for me, being away from friends and family, and being pregnant in a hard winter and then having a baby. I struggled with depression much of the time, being so isolated.

I didn't have much opportunity to make friends, although I did make them at jobs, I didn't work for long. His family were 2-faced, making out they were friendly when I saw them, then only rarely calling or coming to see me or the baby. They also constantly let us down with babysitting and stuff. I basically had no one close to me the whole time I was here in Canada, except my husband. He mostly behaved like he was making a huge sacrifice being around me or our baby, and not being out with his buddies smoking dope. He would endlessly make promises to me, and never keep them. He would also * * * * * about me to his friends and family, and then if I found out and confronted him about it, lie and lie, until he finally had to admit it. This made it hard for me to make any bond with his friends and family, since they knew personal things about me, and my relationship, which I would never have told them.

After months of arguments he left a few weeks ago, and moved in at his mothers. I was incredibly angry and bitter, and I guess, felt unwanted and neglected by him, even though I knew his leaving was for the best.

I was in 2 minds whether to call it off though because I would have to live with my parents and siblings in England, probably for a long time until I could find a way to get a place of my own. it would be hard for me to live with them, and there's physically not enough room in my parents house... i didn't want to do that, even though I really missed my family. I kept in communication with my husband for that week, though I admit it was mostly angry hurtful emails, and I forced him to give back the key to our apartment (i later found out he'd had a copy made). He ignored me mostly, and didn't come to see our child. I was talking to my mum about this for hours every day- she told me to be sure i was doing the right thing before i came back, as it would probably be too late, later on. she basically pressured me into giving it another shot, but the idea kind of snowballed in my head, and soon i was pretty much begging him to come back, and saying we could recapture the spirit of cooperation we'd had in the beginning, and concentrate on the love not the bad stuff, blah blah. He said no for ages, and we almost called it off, but then he gave in.

He took us for a very expensive meal and got drunk to celebrate, then everything slid back to how it was. very quickly. we each had one session in therapy before everything came to a head again. He had a bad day at work and took it out on me, and it escalated from there, until we had one of our 1AM arguing sessions, then didn't really speak to one another for days, then had a big blowout again today (i started it as he came home from work and was going to go out to smoke pot with his friends, again) and i told him to move out to his mum's place. Which he did.

Sorry for the huge long post, but I'm freaking out here. I have no one to talk to really, apart from a friend in England who it costs me too much to call, and my mum, and I've already bent her ear off.

So... what do I do now? I have no money or resources here at all, and few back in England. I really am freaking... if anyone has any advice at all... please!

 

Ps we have no savings at all, and he has even opened a new bank account to put his wages into so I really have nothing!

[abitbroken]

Would your family be willing to help you get back? Also, you have to look at the laws - I don't think you can just take the child with you and up and leave without his consent. He would have to agree. You definitely, no matter what, need to catch your breath. BTW

[shadowbox3r]

Ask your mother to wire you money and take your kids back to England. I'm sorry but it doesn't matter how much you love him, he is not treating you like a wife but a doormat. Equally if not more disturbing is his behavior and lack of involvement with the child. He is no kind of man nor father to leave his child and have no contact. That is low and your child deserves more than a father that would rather relive his party days with the guys than to be a father to his child.

[isagemmied]

Hopefully my family can help me get back... money is an issue for them too though, and it would probably be a few weeks till they can manage it. In the meantime I'm dreading being here on my own, I have my baby but feel so lonely.

I know I have to get consent to take my child home, but he's promised to give the letter to me at a later date. I don't think he would ever go for custody because he wouldn't want the responsibility, but I will get the letter anyway.

I'm going to continue to go to counseling- it isn't relationship counseling, I started it because of depression and feeling so isolated (and cos we have health insurance through his work, lol)

[abitbroken]

Hopefully my family can help me get back... money is an issue for them too though, and it would probably be a few weeks till they can manage it. In the meantime I'm dreading being here on my own, I have my baby but feel so lonely.

I know I have to get consent to take my child home, but he's promised to give the letter to me at a later date. I don't think he would ever go for custody because he wouldn't want the responsibility, but I will get the letter anyway.

I'm going to continue to go to counseling- it isn't relationship counseling, I started it because of depression and feeling so isolated (and cos we have health insurance through his work, lol)

 

 

Don't buy the "later date" thing - get it now.

[isagemmied]

I know that, and I have been acting like a doormat, but in our relationship there seemed nothing I could do to change the role I was forced into. A couple years ago I used to talk about how unhappy I was, and he would say- give it time, we've had so many problems to deal with. Once you're working you'll feel better. Which I did, for a while. I made friends whom he didn't like, and because I wanted to go out dancing on the weekend occasionally he put me in the same category as 'those * * * * s' as he calls people who go out clubbing. He goes to a bar with his friends occasionally and sits there, they talk and he feels left out. Otherwise they go to a movie, or somewhere they can smoke dope. He only has 2 or 3 friends he ever sees or hangs out with, so its not like he's Mr social.

Anyway, after his paternity leave ended he wanted to get a job (he had been home watching the baby, and guess what, he hated it). I had had enough of my job anyway I guess, although I liked my colleagues. So I quit my job, he started working full time, and it ended up being a stepping stone to the decent job he has now, which he won't quit. It was always our intention to go back to England to live, when we had the money, and then travel abroad hopefully. He now loves his job, and won't leave it now for any reason.

Its been so bad for me here for so long, I can't believe I've got through it. I feel so cut off, and the way he's treated me makes me think he never really cared about me. He's one of those people that just wants the easy life, they sweep any problems under the rug, make other people take responsibility for everything. So I had to end it.

[isagemmied]

I tried to get the written permission, after he'd packed his stuff and was waiting for his mum to pick him up. He agreed and sat down, started writing it, slowly slowly wrote, then his phone buzzed and he said 'I'm not doing this now' or something like that and tore up what he'd wrote, then literally ran out of the apt to his mums car. I tried to stop him, but he went. I really don't want to have to speak to him again, but will have to now, to get the permission. I read that it's supposed to be notarized too, which will be another hassle...

I just want to be away from this situation, and into one where I don't need to have any contact with him for a long while. In England my mum would answer his calls to our toddler even, so I would be away from him totally. I just can't stop rerunning all the horrible things he said to me, this whole * * * * ty mess- I need to be somewhere else where I can be supported by people who love me, start rebuilding my life... Hopefully stop worrying all the effing time, lol.