How do I let go of the anger, and STOP thinking about him

[beachy1212]

It been about 6mths since the guy I thought was my soul mate and I broke up... we were together everyday and talked all day long, had the most amazing relationship, then he started distancing himself and finally all my suspisions were proven...I found naked pictures of a married co worker on his computer, after finding them he told me to leave his house, I never got an apology from him, just random texts from him making bs conversation or to accuse me of things with other people. When all this happened I felt my world was shattered, while together I listened to him tell me I craved attention because i have fake boobs I work out, and tan. If guys so much as looked at me, I would get accused of looking at them.

Something he could never believe is that when I was with him no one in the world mattered. I went above and beyond for him and dedicatied every min of free time I had to try and be the best girl I could be, something I never thought I would do for anyone! After all this heartache I found myself alone always, miserable and hurting, I decided I would try to get a part time job at a restaurant/bar where I could meet some girls (im newly to this area and have no family of friends) (came with a ex and we broke up). I was hired by a bar and have since met some great girls whom I have hung out with.

anyways.... mths pass and here and there I get texts from him telling me what a terrible person I have turned into bc I am working at a bar basicaloy validating all he has done by thinking I am whoring around but I have not been able to sucessfully date anyone or even tried to be intimate with anyone bc i am still dying inside. When anything in my life goes wrong its him I cry over! why??

please help me i am not contacting him and he hasnt contacted me, i think he is truly thinking i am awful and that has helped him totally move on.

please just tell me what i can do to really get over him and no closure

[Ambiguous X]

NC one day at a time. And maybe a period at the end of a sentence!

[blackhawks1287]

^ haha, but yes NC and time is all you need.

[resilient7]

May I ask what it was that made this guy so different from the rest.was it his looks?his personality? that made you go above and beyond.really only thing for you to do is collect your thoughts and no one has to tell you that he isn't worth it,I know that you're smart enough to figure that out yourself.

[GrowingIn]

That and you wanna know what else helped me? Finding others on this site and genuinely taking an interest in helping them out.

 

As far as closure I'm going to tell you a story. When my ex wife left me 4 years ago, it was a total shock. Not just the leaving but the fact that I realized it was all one big act on her part, and the way she acted during the break up. Eventually the conversation before I started 100% NC, ended with me basically telling her what a brutal, low life she was. She was purposely trying to hurt me and being vengeful while I was still trying to get some closure and heal. Closure that I truly deserved.

 

It took a long time but I got over it, but I never got over the fact that I never received closure. I fantasized about finding her one day, and sitting out over a meal just to get some closure. Then one day out of the blue, two and a half years later, while I was in my last relationship she contacts me! She says she realized she made the biggest mistake of her life and lost her best friend. She was ready to give me closure and I even set up a date where I could focus just on this conversation.

 

Well what I found out, was not only that she could STILL not be sincere and honest with me, but she was still in the same mindset she was when she left me. Completely and totally immature and still blaming others. Not taking any responsibility. I envied her and cursed her for a long time for her leaving me to clean up our mess while she was able to immediately start over with no responsibilities. I envied her until that day when I realized all those events, the suffering and the hole I had to climb out of matured me and helped me build character. While she was still an immature girl. It was like night and day.

 

Well I realized I was still not going to get closure because she never looked inside herself, never took a look in the mirror, and still saw things only from her point of view which was convenient for her. She created these fantasies in her head that was what helped her move on. A lot of unrealistic crap that had little to do with our relationship failing.

 

But then another thing happened. I realized I didn't need closure from her anymore. She couldn't give me closure because she never saw her faults. Only I COULD! And I already had it.

 

My ex that left me two months ago, told me that one day I would be looking for closure so she wanted to give it to me because she knows it is important. I said no thanks and no I won't. I mean what else is she going to tell me? Something new or some other secret? "Well the reason I said I couldn't see myself with you is because I found another guy? I cheated on you?" I was scared?"

 

What reason could she give me that will matter at this point or some point in the future? I don't care to have her closure. She can keep it. The only closure I needed was me knowing she packed her bags and left when I knew I would have given every effort to make it work and I let her know that. And I don't need her to tell me that. I know so there is nothing else to be said.

[resilient7]

GrowingIn- Thank you for that.

[myheadvsheart]

He's accusing you of everything under the sun to obsolve himself of his behavior and/or projecting his misbehavior at you. He avoids being accountable for his actions if he can chose to attack you. If you get another text from him accusing him of a,b,c - you can ignore him but recognize that he is looking to scratch an itch an nothing more - he wants a reaction from you. He hates that you found that picture on his computer and he believed he could control both situations. The guy has a lot of growing up to do. You have way too much going for you in your new circle of friends to waste your time allowing him to say anything to you. He's looking for a way to make his misbehavior YOUR fault, he punished you by telling you to leave, and he's reaching for anything to somehow make what you did worse than the boundary he's crossed. Forget about his misbehavior with you - what about the workplace? What happens when this dalliance with this co-worker blows up and it creates even more drama for him at work? I'm sure he'll try to find a way to make it her fault. For all you know he's blaming her for you finding her naked photo on his computer.

 

He's a control freak and people that have control issues - have real problems with losing something, they are deeply insecure and look for attention elsewhere to have a supply or attention to turn to - should you chose to leave him (when he's created a self-fufilling prophecy for himself with you leaving).

 

Stop making his words about you. If you chose to enhance your breasts - that is your business, it's not his to go back and create meanings that line up with his story. And that is what he is trying to do - he's trying to tell and sell his story. That somehow he was justified having a naked picture of a co-worker, because "you got a boob job, you are working in a bar, you have new friends, you are moving on so quickly. etc." This is not a guy that is accepting that he screwed up and is not willing to admit to himself he made a mistake - because denial is easier and is that much moe difficult for him to admit the truth to himself. Trust me, that photo of that woman is nothing and it he will screw that up as well. She's also put herself in a stupid position to allow a naked photo of herself to be circulated. Look what he did to you - when you found it? He lashed out at you. So what do you think will happen to her when she doesn't go along with what he wants? He'll probably threaten to use it against her. i I think you dodged a bullet.

 

I'd recommend you read a book called the four agreements. There was concept that talked about how people lie to themselves every day - when they do that - you know not to be injured when they chose to lie to you - it's not about you - so stop feeling like you're dying inside. His choices are not about you - they are about himself - he has issues, dear.