NC is starting to work!

[hausser]

It's only been around 6 days but I feel a lot more empowered now.

 

We split up around 5 weeks ago. For the first 3 weeks we were still really a couple, albeit she didn't stay at my apartment, but the last two she distanced herself and instead of initiating NC straight away I started to act react like a real chump.

In fact I started to act like a needy chump before she distanced herself, as I mistook her enjoying living back at her mothers hassle free as her pulling away.

 

Anyway, I didn't go as far as begging but definatley to the degree where I was coming accross as needy, and I was. I felt and still do feel a little lonely, and it was text book. The more I text her and came accross as wanting reconcilliation, the more she swayed away. This then surprised me as she had always been the initiator, and the more suprised I was the more I wanted answers, and the more I text and the more she pulled away!

 

Last Wednesday we had a huge fallout, initated by me, over our dog Jackson, whom she left here. Immediatley after I went away and blocked her on FB and even though I desperatley wanted to, refused to contact her over the last week.

 

Well, whadya know, today at around 4pm I was in the shower when I get a witheld number call that didn't even get through to answermachine. She has done this in the past to check I havent changed my number. (I did before).

 

Then, whilst I was out with a friend having lunch he told me that Laura, my ex had text him the night before at around 8pm asking about my dog Jackson! She would have known that my best friend would have told me right away.

 

Now, I am not saying here that we are going to get back together, BUT, I am almost certain it was her ringing me today witheld, probably as a result of me blocking her on FB. Also, asking my friend about something she should have asked me was a real almost childish way to garner attention.

 

It fits in, she text my friend at 8 last night, he didn't tell me till around 5pm today, and she gave me a witheld call at 4. Why? because she assumed he would have told me straight away last night, and that I would have tried to make contact last night. When I didnt she probably assumed I didnt want to give away a "new" number.

 

Anyways, in terms of the real important thing, my healing I can feel more empowered now definatley. I will be sad if we split however I am starting to feel as if it wont be the end of the world.

[Danny77]

You only feel good now coz u think she is trying to reach out to you.

When she stops, that'll be the real test of NC.

There is usually a stage at the beginning where they test the water.

Now she knows she mayt cut off.

 

I know it feels good but dont get cocky as you'll get shot down.

Your NC must last alot longer for you to have changes in yourselves.

Otherwise you get back together then what? same thing will happen again.

 

Don't mean to crush ur high but i had a missed call 5 days into it too.

I was smiling from ear to ear. That was 5 weeks ago and not a peep since then.

But thing is, I actually feel better now, not great, but stronger than I would've been than keeping in touch with her.

 

Stay strong and don't look at this as a winning or losing thing.

Coz i promise you you'll lose in the end.

just get yourself ready for the loss then you'll find it didn\t hurt too much.

[hausser]

Jesus dude, I'm a bit more positive than that perhaps she is trying to reach out. She has been keeping in touch since we split, she only got distant when I tried pushing it. You can promise me as much as you want, I'm not going to lose anything, wether I get back with her or not, your circumstances are not mine.

 

I've been out today with my best mate and barely thought about her. Btw despite what people on this forum say, NC can and does lead to people getting back. How? It's happened to me with the same girl in the past!

[TheJerseyKid]

Because if you were clingy before, you're going to be clingy again, because you haven't taken any time away to do any real self improvement. Sure, right now you are consciously giving her space to grant her wishes, but you're walking on eggshells. In a real, functional relationship, you don't have to think about when you can contact the person, or if your trying to hard, or this or that... it just flows naturally. The fact that you are posting here, shows that your situation is not occurring naturally and is out of your comfort zone.. or else you wouldn't be looking for advice. The above poster MIGHT or MIGHT NOT be right in that you just feel good because she is in contact now, but I tend to agree with him. Since you haven't taken any REAL time off to work on yourself, you WILL slip back into your old clingy, needy habbits and push her away again eventually. I'm not saying this is what I wish to happen, I honestly hope this does not happen with you, but you'd be the first poster I've seen it work with in over a year of reading these forums.

[Ambiguous X]

Halleluhyea!

[Danny77]

Like I say I don't want this either but 6 days NC souldn't feel so good as this right?

 

Empowered coz she tried calling under a psudo number?

Anyways, You sound like you got it all covered so keep smiling and be happy!!

[hausser]

Over a year of reading these forums?

 

I also went back through the OP's posts too, Danny's.

 

Lads, seriously you need to stop being so hung up on your exe's. The is a real thread of negativity that runs through this place. "If I've been been clingy once I'll be clingy again." Dude you don't know me or my ex so please don't be so quick to be judgemental. You can't pigeonhole all people going through this. Just because I posted here just means I post on internet forums...I've got a friend who's been cheated on and dumped twice from 4 year relationships....he was cut up for about a week and moved on. It does happen, it's just that when you read post over post on here about people not getting over it, you tend to assume it fits all. It doesnt'.

 

And happy cos she rung off a witheld....yeah so what? Is that a crime?

Btw danny looked at your previous posts, even if it doesnt happen with me, the rate of couples getting back is way higher than "under 3%". Guess what, this is a forum for people who's hearts have been broken, it's like going on to an aethesim site and asking what they think about creationists.

 

Lads, start thinking positive. It's clear the both of you are in a negative rut.

[Danny77]

Wow.

you're angry.

Sorry for that.

 

Like I said before.

Keep smiling and I hope so much that it works out for you.

I just didn't want to see you achieve a false sense of security and then get hurt again.

No worries!

[TheJerseyKid]

Here is where I rebut your previous post, and then step out of your thread gracefully.

 

Before you try and diagnose me, I am pretty far from being in a negative rut. I've come to acceptance with my most recent break up on the better side of 2 months ago, sure I've had maybe 1 or 2 days that come to mind where I was more down than others, but for the most part, I'm over my situation. I'm out living my life, improving myself, and not to sound like a cocky jerk, but there is a handful of girls I am talking to/seeing/dating... I am far from being in a rut, but thanks for your concern.

 

If you've followed my posts at all, you'd know that I'm actually far from a huge NC advocate. I think a lot of posters blindly prescribe the same "medicine" for every situation, and I know how very wrong and drastic it can be in certain situations. I don't believe in that "Don't respond to your ex unless they specifically say they want you back" or any of the extreme stuff like that. I'm just a guy, who's been in your situation, had countless friends in your situation, and read countless posts similar to your situation. Guess what, MAYBE you are the 1% that's different, and shes going to turn around one day and say "I want to be with you" and you guys will live happily ever after, and you'll get your hollywood ending. Honestly man, I hope that DOES happen for you. But I've read enough about human psychology, relationships, and human behaviour to make an estimated guess as to how your situation is going to turn out. Don't like it? That's fine you don't have to, so long as you understand that most situations you are describing will turn out the way I said it, but don't worry, you're part of the 1% that's different, so you don't have to worry about what I said... wait.. why are you even posting if you know what to do?

 

For what its worth, if you cant even tolerate listening to others ideas that don't agree with yours, or aren't what you want to hear, don't post next time.

 

No "dude" I don't know you are your situation. I'm not hung up on my ex, not even close. I haven't started an ex related thread in about a month, and you're more than welcome to check my post history/started threads to see how my situations have turned out. What I do know, is the hundreds of other stories I have read on this forum just like you (who happens to be a lot like me a few years back, if you would take your damn guard down and actually take time to comprehend what I wrote, and not just read it.)

 

I'm sorry if what I'm giving you is hard to accept, and true, it is by no means the law or 100% fact, but based upon previous situations taken from my life, the lives of people in my social circle, and the many posts I read per-day on this board, what I posted is far and away the most likely scenario. I know you still don't believe me, that's fine too, and I accept that. You'll be back here in a few months posting threads, asking questions like "Why doesn't my ex still want to be with me?" "Why did we break up again?" "Why does she take hours to respond to my texts" or telling us some story with those very things going on in it.

 

I wasn't trying to "bring you down" from your 6 day NC high.. but let's be real for a second. 6 days is nothing... its not even a week. I know 6 days of not talking to someone you used to speak with or see everyday seems like an eternity, but its not even a drop in the bucket, and one day you will see that. Real progress comes after months, 3 months, 6 months, years.

 

I like how you throw in the anecdote that your friend got over a girl in a week, thanks for the laugh. From the outside looking in, one would be able to assume that I was over my ex as soon as she broke up with me. I didn't shed a single tear, I went out, lived life, as a normal, single, 25 year old man. I didn't talk about it with my friends, or dwell or sulk in what had happened. Sure I came to ena to vent, but to anyone living with me in my life, I as completely over it and unaffected by it. That couldn't have been any further from the truth. If your friend was in fact "over it" in a week, all that means is that he has no emotional maturity, or he had emotionally checked out of the relationship months prior to them breaking up. He might have given the impression he was unaffected by it, but you have NO idea of the inner turmoil/struggles going on in his head. Some people will put up an ultra tough front, and that's their way of compensating, and those are usually the people who are affected by it the most.

 

But you've probably stopped reading by now anyway, and I'm wasting my energy. After all, you're so different from the rest of us, and you already know how your situation is going to play out.

[Irish Jax]

NC is a tool to help heal yourself. NC for me at least is healing myself to a point where I am strong without my ex and that whether my ex calls or not, I do not really care.

 

Because everyone who is posting is right, once she stops calling, you will begin to wonder why she has stopped.

 

If my ex ever calls, I will be proud of myself that I will not care and that my ex has no emotional power over me anymore.

 

 

Good luck with your situation.

[hausser]

 

Because everyone who is posting is right, once she stops calling, you will begin to wonder why she has stopped.

 

 

 

 

Good luck with your situation.

 

Thanks, but you're wrong, they are not right. They are making sweeping assumptions based on their own experience and reading here. She HAS stopped calling and texting and it's making my resolve STRONGER not turning me into some heart broken wimp. So please, tune out from enotalone land for a sec and take into account individual circumstances, character and past experience.

 

If you read here constantly you develop a negative and cynical mindset about how you feel when a relationship ends, some people just get on with things, believe it or not.

 

I haven't even read jerseyguy's post. I am not having people tell me I essentially deserve to suffer more than they did. Yeah I'm not over it just yet but if it's been a week of NC and I feel better than day one of NC then guess what IT'S PROGRESS.

 

Positive thinking people, isn't that what you guy's preach.

[myheadvsheart]

Wow. Love it when people get so caught up in an argument they forget what they're talking about and just want to win. Lots of violent AGREEMENT in this thread. I'm glad that Hausser feels that NC worked for him - if only because she initiated contact. I didn't read that Hausser answered or returned her call, so I don't think he's unrealistic. All of us feel our egos are satisfied for a moment when an ex reaches out - even if we chose to ignore it. There's a moment that we're relieved.

 

I also don't see the harm in advising Hausser to keep your expectations realistic, because NC isn't just about getting the ex's attention, it is also about giving you time and space to put things in perspective, yourself without the fog of on-going relationship issues clouding your judgment and it's true it would take more than 6 days to do that. That doesn't mean anyone is begrudging that your ex contacted you or feels you should suffer more, Hausser.

 

I think everyone has valid points, but there's a little misinterpretation or questioning the other's intention. All is useful info. Relax.

[TheJerseyKid]

Just goes to prove exactly how ignorant you are. I suffered a lot less than most people on these boards, at least this time around. It's ok though, I've dealt with people like you my entire life. You debuk and rebuke their flawed argument and instead of responding with logic like an adult you stick your fingers in your ears and go "nanny nanny poo poo" which is essentially what you did in your last post. I've gotten back with ex's probably more times than you've been in relationships. I'm far from negative thinking and cynical. You'd know that if you read my last post. It's all good though. You got it so figured out you had to come here.

 

You bugged out and couldn't even handle another poster essentially telling you, It's great you feel good now, just be careful you're not riding the wave of emotion from her contacting you. What a normal, rational, intelligent adult would say is one of 2 things. "Gee, I hand't thought of that, I'll be mindful of that, thanks for the advice" or "Yeah, I've thought about that already, hopefully its not the case, thanks for your concern." But you immeidately went into defense mode because instead of hearing an out pouring of support and people coddling you and telling you that you're doing so awesome with your 6 days NC, we decided to break it down for you and explain how it really is. You're the one that's still hung up and pining for your ex and I'm the one that go over a 2.5 year relationship in under 2 months, but what the hell do i know.