Possibility of having AvPD

[sjjohnson89]

AvPD stands for avoidant personality disorder, it is more severe than a general social phobia.

 

For the past couple of months ive been thinking about the possibility of this after i accepted that i had social anxiety. But, ive become aware that it is much more that that, the issues are much more intense.

 

For a long time i told myself that me being detached and different from everyone was just two things, me being very shy and me being well, different. But, in reality while i am different it doesnt explain why i avoid intimacy or the possibily of friendships. I put distance between me and everyone else. As i said, ive made many excuses to myself, oh its them or its my shyness. But i cant keep it up, i cant keep lying to myself. As ive shown that when i do find myself in situations with people i like i do the same things, i avoid and become distanced.

 

I have really intense fears of rejection, to the point that i cant take it even with something simple as a friend preferring to spend time with someone else over me. I start seeing things black and white, saying to myself they dont like me and i emotionally start to cut them out. I often look for something which could be translated as rejection, to the point where sometimes i guess i see things that aren't there.

 

I now isolate myself a lot, because im just to sensitive to this and it cause a lot of hurt. I am more comfortable within my own space as i have no heightened anxiety then. But, this has left me very much alone. I have little trust in people and when paired with my fears this makes it extremely difficult for me to open up to anyone.

 

I go through patches of low self esteem with self loathing, where i feel i have no purpose, broken. I am a very emotional person, but it makes me very vulnerable and i fear that, a lot, so i become guarded to protect myself. The guard creates distance and i feel safer, even though it stops me from having what i truly want. I do want intimacy, but it comes with risks that are hard for me to be open to.

 

The thing is, i believe a few members in my family have AvPD. I see them, where they are in life and i dont want to be them.I feel very similar to them, others have told me so. Im scared of this, i feel i have to try an do something to prevent me from becoming totally isolated from life.

 

Im not diagnosing myself, im not saying i have AvPD. But i am saying that my issues run deeper as well as being more intense than a general social phobia.

[Jake]

The thing is, i believe a few members in my family have AvPD. I see them, where they are in life and i dont want to be them.I feel very similar to them, others have told me so. Im scared of this, i feel i have to try an do something to prevent me from becoming totally isolated from life.

 

Im not diagnosing myself, im not saying i have AvPD. But i am saying that my issues run deeper as well as being more intense than a general social phobia.

 

Hey sjjohnson89,

 

Just wanted to say that if you're finding that you're isolating yourself then it's time to seek help. I say this because that is where I used to be a few months back and now I'm even farther along then that. I'm going to be blunt, seek help, therapy, whatever you think is best but just talk to SOMEBODY. Don't be stupid like I was and wait till you hit rock bottom.

[sjjohnson89]

Hey sjjohnson89,

 

Just wanted to say that if you're finding that you're isolating yourself then it's time to seek help. I say this because that is where I used to be a few months back and now I'm even farther along then that. I'm going to be blunt, seek help, therapy, whatever you think is best but just talk to SOMEBODY. Don't be stupid like I was and wait till you hit rock bottom.

 

Hey Jake,

 

I think you are right, i need to seek therapy. But, ive thought this for a while now and have yet to act on this. I realize i need to, as my issues are life affecting.

 

My issues have been getting worse over the years, my only contact with society if you like, is through playing sport and my studies. If it weren't fro these things, i would be cut off from people.

 

Over the past few months ive started to identify a lot of my issues, no longer hiding from them. I can relate to the issues of BPD and AvPD, these issues are life affecting as ive said. This is why i know i must seek help, as my issues are serious, i have tried to run from them, i have tried to even face them, but they have a power over me and i cant control them. I realize i must do something as i know it will only get worse as i get older.

 

I have issues with the idea of seeking therapy though, i have a fear of being judged which is one of the reason why i keep everything in, it would be very hard for me to open up in therapy, and if i did, it would have cause reaction based on fear within me. Im going to have to get the strength to do this at some point. If i dont, well, i dont want to think about that.

[Jake]

Hey Jake,

 

I think you are right, i need to seek therapy. But, ive thought this for a while now and have yet to act on this. I realize i need to, as my issues are life affecting.

 

My issues have been getting worse over the years, my only contact with society if you like, is through playing sport and my studies. If it weren't fro these things, i would be cut off from people.

 

Yeah for me if I were to describe the past 6 years of my life it would be a slow and steady spiral in the downward direction. The combination of taking harder and harder classes in college, getting a job and other occurrences in life have made me exhaust all my energy. I'm telling you this because it is best to seek help before you crash and burn like I have. Because once you do, you won't care about life in general, yourself or getting better.

 

 

Over the past few months ive started to identify a lot of my issues, no longer hiding from them. I can relate to the issues of BPD and AvPD, these issues are life affecting as ive said. This is why i know i must seek help, as my issues are serious, i have tried to run from them, i have tried to even face them, but they have a power over me and i cant control them. I realize i must do something as i know it will only get worse as i get older.

 

I have also done the same and have come to the same conclusion.

 

 

I have issues with the idea of seeking therapy though, i have a fear of being judged which is one of the reason why i keep everything in, it would be very hard for me to open up in therapy, and if i did, it would have cause reaction based on fear within me. Im going to have to get the strength to do this at some point. If i dont, well, i dont want to think about that.

 

Fear of being judged or being vulnerable is the core of AvPD which in of itself is why I believe it's so hard to even seek therapy in the first place. It's a fight against ones self, literally.

I'll be honest, I could have written exactly what you just wrote. I still haven't sought therapy because I know it won't work for me personally.

[sjjohnson89]

When i first wrote this thread, i didn't expect i guess for anyone to post because i wasn't asking any questions. I was even starting to feel vulnerable with this thread as i have been fairly open with some of my concerns. I guess all i was hoping for was for someone to post that could relate to what im saying, stops me from feeling totally alone (as pathetic as that is).

 

Thanks Jake for posting, its good to talk to someone i can relate to. Truth is, i dont have as much hope as you think i do, i try to fill myself with hope as i believe it to be important, but its hope based on lies. I have the unstable moods swings it seems of BPD though, i guess sometimes i do have hope because of this.

 

Im just going to have to find the strength to seek help, therapy, it seems kind of an impossible task at the moment though.

[Jake]

When i first wrote this thread, i didn't expect i guess for anyone to post because i wasn't asking any questions. I was even starting to feel vulnerable with this thread as i have been fairly open with some of my concerns. I guess all i was hoping for was for someone to post that could relate to what im saying, stops me from feeling totally alone (as pathetic as that is).

 

I can understand the reasoning behind your post and trust me when I say I've felt the same way in the past. sjjohnson89 the truth of the matter is everybody is different in one way or another and the best way to start connecting with people is to not allow your own emotions to control you so much. Get out in life, enjoy yourself and meet new people. Although, I know all this is easier said than done.

 

 

Thanks Jake for posting, its good to talk to someone i can relate to. Truth is, i dont have as much hope as you think i do, i try to fill myself with hope as i believe it to be important, but its hope based on lies. I have the unstable moods swings it seems of BPD though, i guess sometimes i do have hope because of this.

 

Im just going to have to find the strength to seek help, therapy, it seems kind of an impossible task at the moment though.

 

Well I'd beg to differ and say that you do have some real hope and it is not built on lies for the simple fact that you posted this thread. For me personally, I had lost hope to the point where I didn't even want to post a thread about my AvPD on ENA. You on the other hand, did post, sure you could argue that it was done out of loneliness or being upset but you still had hope that it would help you in some way.

 

Also don't view seeking therapy as an impossible task, realize, that you can take control of the situation if you choose to do so. If you don't call the therapist, nothing will happen and something will happen if you do call to set an appointment. You have to decide that you want to get better. Nobody can make the decision for you but yourself.

 

I'm currently in the process of living life again after hitting rock bottom and the best advice I can give you sjjohnson89 is to believe that you are worth it. Believe your worth a women's love someday, believe that a friend truly enjoys spending time with you and believe that you truly are a pretty darn good catch if given the chance.

[sjjohnson89]

Jake,

 

Look at you, all positive lol.

 

Yes, everyone is different. We can never fully relate to anyone. Unfortunately, my emotions do control me, i have no control over them so i dont know how to tackle it really. I do things, i get out. But it doesnt help me with meeting people, although i can enjoy myself (so long as i dont have to spend it gossiping to people to much). You couldnt be more right, what you said, is easier said than done.

 

Again, ive had some discoveries about myself recently. It seems my issues are even deeper than i think, or thought. Someone i care about recently told me i will need 20 to 30 years of therapy, which hurt. It seems i heavily align with key traits of BPD.

 

As ive said many times, i always try to maintain an element of hope, whether based on reality, fantasy or lies. I quite simply need it, it keeps me going, keeps me moving.

 

I dont know if i am worth anything, worth someones love. I dont know now whether im even a good person. This is not a good feeling. Ive never abandoned anyone, never left, its always me who gets that end of the stick. There has to be a reason for it, maybe im just not a good person.

 

Well, im getting depressed again. Ill have to go do something to distract my mind from all this.

 

Seems though you are on the road to recovery, i hope things work out for you.