pumpkinmoon Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Well it's been quite a while since I have been here. I have noticed a lot of new names and remember some of the old ones. Some of you will know my past history and some of you won't but that really isn't relevant here. I called this thread "Untitled" as I really couldn't think of an appropriate name for it. I have quite a situation on my hands with regards to my current bf, or ex now if you like and I would just like some input on the situation. Some of you will know that I became single around this time last year, almost to the day in fact. You may also know that my ex was, well... an emotionally abusive and secretive, sly pig, that's the best way I can think of to describe him anyway. In August of last year I met my current bf (now ex) through a friend who I had known for a good few years. The whole thing started off rather casually. I was just finding my feet and was beginning to enjoy being single after the train wreck of a relationship I had gotten out of a few months previously. I was actually happy to keep things this way but after a little while things started becoming a little more serious and he wanted to be exclusive. It took me a while to agree to this as I was afraid of getting hurt again but in the end I agreed and we had been together officially since mid October. There were a few things I was unhappy with that started to show early on. He had been single for around 2 years before me so I chalked it up to that and just assumed that things would change naturally as the relationship continued. The first thing that started to concern me was his weekend routine. This generally consisted of him smoking weed pretty much flat out from Friday night to Sunday night with a mate of his who would usually arrive on the Friday and leave Sunday evening. I didn't really like this in the first place and I am not a fan of drugs but I didn't say anything at first, partly because I thought things would change and he would make better use of his weekends seeing that he had a new gf and partly because as it was so early on, I didn't feel it was my place to bring it up. This continued for quite some time, maybe a few months, when the time came when I had just had enough of it and told him that it needed to stop otherwise I wouldn't be around much longer and that I wasn't willing to put up with it. It felt like I would just be wasting my time on weekends sitting in his house watching films with him and his mate who were stoned. It certainly wasn't my idea of a normal relationship. Well at first he seemed to listen and told me that he was willing to give up the weed and do more things together and the weed smoking gradually fizzled out somewhat. This was a vast improvement on things but we still weren't doing much together as a couple which I wasn't happy about. At this point all we had done together as a couple was going to watch the fireworks on Bonfire night in November. The relationship continued with little else changing and I was starting to become depressed as a result of it. In general I would say it was a good relationship. He was very open and honest about everything which was quite refreshing, it was a far cry from what I was used to with my ex. We didn't argue much at all and seemed to get on really well. Still, for me the problem remained that we really weren't sending any time together as a couple. Yes there were a lot of social occasions, we would go to the pub quite often and have people over which I never minded but whatever time we spent together was in a group of people, there was never any alone time at all. I think this is the main problem for me. Along the way there were a few incidents that I really did not appreciate. At first I overlooked them as I didn't want to cause a fuss but as time went on, and things kept happening it was getting to me more and more and I found it all quite upsetting. The first of these incidents came a few months into the relationship. I was quite ill with a cyst that I have trouble with, I was off work and unable to leave the house. He said that he would come and see me that night which I thought was nice and I made a huge effort to tidy around even though it was painfnul to do so. He then told me that he would be over straight from work and that he had to be home by 8 as a friend was going to drop some money over for him. As I wasn't quite ready for him to come over when he said he was going to, I told him not to bother, especially if he had to leave so early. I actually thought that we would spend at least a few hours together and watch a few movies but this wasn't the case. I actually wondered why his friend couldn't drop the money over the next day or even post it but as it turned out, that night he spent it drinking in his house and smoking weed. This was when the weed situation was becoming a big problem as he had also started smoking it through the week too. This irritated me quite a bit but as I said I let it go. Another incident was the weekend of his birthday in April. He had arranged to go to an event that really isn't my thing at all. Early on though, I said even though it wasn't my thing, that I would go as it was his birthday. Anyway, he odered his ticket without asking me if I even wanted one and in the weeks leading up to his birthday he pretty much tried to get everyone else he knew to go, even his housemate and his new gf who he had only known a few weeks, never even asked me once. Again I said nothing as I didn't want to cause any trouble. The actual day of his birthday fell on the Monday. The event was on the Saturday. On the Friday he went to the beach to a BBQ with a group of friends, I couldn't go as I was working. That night he invited everyone back to his house for a party. Went out with his friends on the Saturday and then spent the day recovering on Sunday. So not only did it seem like he didn't give a damn if I was there to celebrate his birthday or not, he made no effort to put any time aside for me that weekend at all. The next incident came a few weeks ago. I went to Turkey with a good friend of mine and my cyst flared up on the second day of the holiday. When I got back a week later I went to see the doctor who sent me to the hospital. The next day, I had the operation early in the morning. He did offer to take the day off work and come with me but I told him that there was no need, as my mother was taking me and that there would be no point as he would just be hanging about whilst I was having the surgery and then recovering. I have had the operation 3 times before so I knew what to expect and that I would be out of it for most of the day. I did think it was nice of him to ask though. I had the operation on the Thursday and this time seemed to recover quite quickly and they let me home that day. I was supposed to leave the hospital at around 3pm and he was going to come over for tea that night. As it happened, they didn't let me go until 9, and as he had work the next day, I told him it was fine if it was too late for him to come over and he said that he would come over the following day. He came over around 3pm and announced soon after that he had his Deftones ticket sorted. This was news to me, he knew I liked them too and hadn't even asked me if I wanted to go. I didn't want to cause trouble again so I just said "Thanks for the invite", to which he said he didn't know if I would have wanted to go. What's wrong with asking to check? So I left it. Then he said that we had been invited to a party that night at his friends place. Obviously I was in no fit state to go and he didn't elaborate or mention that he was going either. So the afternoon went on. I cooked a meal for us and assumed that he was staying here for the evening. At about 5:30pm his phone started ringing, it was his mate who he had arranged to go to the gig with. He had arranged to meet him early that evening to get the money for the ticket from him. Now, I'm sorry but he could have done that another day. So before 6pm he was getting ready to leave, told me he was going to his friends party too, the same friend he went to see the previous night. This I found quite rude as we hadn't seen each other for a week because I had been on holiday and as soon as I got back I had an operation and was recovering from that. If it had been the other way around I would have declined the party and told them that I would be there next time because I was spending the night with my BF. Maybe I'm expecting too much here, but I am a very considerate person and I expect the same kind of treatment in return. So he left. I was a little annoyed but again, didn't want to make too much of it and he told me that he would come back the next day and spend the day and night. The next day, I got a text from him in the afternoon asking if it was ok to come on the Sunday instead as he was too tired from the night before. This I though was a little too much and it was at this point I snapped a little and told him that it wasn't ok and not to bother. He only lives 15 minutes away and it's not like he would be doing anything strenuous here. We hardly spoke that week and after that managed to patch things up a little with him saying that he basically needs to be told what to do because he doesn't know. He's 28, not 18! I really didn't want to finish things so decided to give it another shot. One of the many I have given it over the past 8 months. This weekend we decided that we were going to do something together. Friday night, I arrived at his house. He was having a BBQ with his mates which was fine aside from the fact he was smoking weed again. We were planning on doing something the next day but the weather wasn't too great and he was feeling ill so we went to get some wallpaper with his parents and decided that we would do something on the Sunday instead. We had another BBQ Saturday night with a few of his mates. Everything was fine, until yet again he was talking about another gig that he was going to which was the first I had heard of it. At this point I just wanted to leave but couldn't as I had been drinking. I didn't want to say anything so I just went quiet, wondering what to do really. We went to bed and he woke up the next morning and went downstairs. When I got up he was playing on the playstation so I had a cigarette and went back up. I then heard his friend downstairs and again basically knew that the day out had gone out of the window. It was at this point I knew I had to get away. I packed up my stuff and left. I broke up with him that day because I couldn't take anymore of it. Throughout the relationship it just felt like I was just a friend of his, the only difference being that we slept together. We had made various plans to do things over the last 8 months but nothing has materialised, yet he has no trouble making solid plans with other people and booking things as they arrise. Money has been a bit of an issue and he has had a few stag do's to pay for so I told him that we wouldn't go on holiday this year if he would find it hard to pay for but I wanted to do other things. He agreed, but still nothing. I feel like I have made a lot of compromises here and getting nothing in return. When confronted yesterday with the fact that he never seems to invite his own GF to certain things he said that he doesn't know if I would be interested in things. I told him he should as and he said that he forgets to. I told him this was a pretty poor answer as it's not like he forgets to ask other people. To sum things up, this relationship has been hard work. It's always me going to him, he has been to my house about 6 times in 8 months, all of which have been flying visits. We have been to the cinema twice as a couple, no meals alone together and once or twice to the pub as a couple. All other time spent together, and we did sent quite a bit of time together had been with him and his mates and it's all a little too much. I like his mates, they are nice people, but I don't want to spend time with them all time time but this seems like the routine and as a result we get no alone time whatsoever as a couple. It just feels like we're all just a bunch of college students hanging out together all the time. Doesn't feel like I am in a relationship at all here and I really don't think this is normal. If you have gotten this far thank you for reading. I would appreciate any input into my situation. I am not sure if I have done the right things by ending the relationship but I couldn't carry on as it was and I have told him this many times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 He wasn't respecting your boundaries and I see no reason not to end the relationship. Mark it up to personal incompatibility. I couldn't help when reading this that you were comparing him to your ex. Are you sure you are over him? Are you sure you should have been in that relationship? I understand someone making you unhappy, but personal happiness really should come from within you. You shouldn't have to depend on someone else. Like you said you were getting depressed. That's usually because we aren't dealing with our emotions and feelings correctly. Has this been an issue in the past? When you say someone else is making you depressed, you really just need to look inside of yourself more. Maybe you aren't dealing with your emotions the right way. Try reading anger or reconciliation by thich nhat hahn if depression has been and is an issue. I think if you really look at his behavior he's honestly not much of a man. He doesn't lead much, doesn't seem to be anything but lazy and pot smoking. I think basically he doesn't know how to treat a woman either. Just find someone different. Smoking pot and drinking are habit energies we get addicted to. We use them to occupy your mind. So his mind isn't so much on you, but on all of that. I don't really see that behavior changing anytime soon. I think you made the right choice, now just heal and move on from it. I look at love as an act, and his actions were definitely not those of true love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 I had suffered depression before last year. I wasn't aware I was comparing him to an ex, but I'm definitely over him. What I should have said was that because of how bad the last realtionship was and how hard it was to get out of and get myself back together I didn't want to enter into another relationship lightly. I was clear with myself what I wanted from it and this is why I was relucant to start a realtionship with him. Above all else I wanted someone to spend time with and do things with. When it looked that I had gotten into the wrong relationship, it started to become depressing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I think although you got over the worst from the previous breakup you haven't spent enough time by yourself to heal properly and to learn how to maintain healthy boundaries. What strikes me in your recount of the last relationship is how many times you have said "i let it slide, I didn't say anything, I didn't want to jeopardize the relationship". This seems to indicate that you have not gained enough confidence to speak up for yourself. Although this last ex wasn't as abusive as the previous one, you allowed him to continuously disregard your own boundaries. You need to learn how to voice your concerns right from the beginning. If you don't want to date someone who smokes weed - don't continue to date them once you learn that they do. Don't assume someone will simply change because they are in a relationship. Many times it seems you have certain expectations (rightfully so), but you assume that he should know that without you having to express your expectations directly. People are not mind readers thus it is your responsibility to show them what your expectations are so that they can chose to accommodate you or not and that you are free to decide if you want to remain in a relationship with them if they don't fulfill your expectations Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 Thanks. That makes a lot of sense. I did actually tell him either the weed had to go or I did. He promised he would stop smoking which he did for a while but he started again. Everytime I left because of the weed he would tell me that he would give it up and would tell people that he was giving up for me. I told him not to do it for me but to do it because he wanted to. I wasn't forcing him to give it up, I just made it clear that I didn't want a pothead as a boyfriend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 The problem with that is he did it for awhile and then started again. Then you stayed in the relationship after he started again. You weren't backing up your boundaries with action. Penelope gave you great advice up there. You can't change someone, so what you see is what you get. Most people don't really always change their behavior in a relationship either. You'll find something better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 I don't get why he would keep saying he was giving up if he had no intention of doing so. I received a text message this morning telling me that if I change my mind I know where he is. I just don't get that with all the issues I have pointed out, he could even send that message, it seems like wanting to brush stuff under the rug which is something I have been doing for far too long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 He is saying that because in the past claiming he wants to give up the pot was sufficient for you to stick around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Yeah, you really need to show him this time that it's for real. Obviously it's a matter of personal compatibility. I wouldn't even dwell on it if I were you, just move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TurtleDove12 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Maybe he did want to give it up...maybe he believed it when he said it, but couldn't follow through due to addiction or something of the kind. To be honest, he sounds quite lame. He seems like an inconsiderate sex buddy. And by the way...HELLO! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 Hiya! I don't think it's just about sex really. He isn't a bad person which is what makes things harder, he's actually very sweet and caring but I just think that he doesn't know how to act or behave when in a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endy Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Well, you can't teach him that. It's something that's learned by yourself. Sometimes it really never is. So you have your answer, just move on and find someone you're more compatible with ya know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 >>This generally consisted of him smoking weed pretty much flat out from Friday night to Sunday night with a mate of his who would usually arrive on the Friday and leave Sunday evening. He's a typical stoner. His social life revolves around smoking and attending concerts and smoking and attending parties and smoking etc. So if he's going to an event where he wants to smoke and all his friends will be smoking, he doesn't include you because you don't approve or smoke. With stoners, their first priority is always smoking! That's his primary relationship, with weed, in the same way an alcoholics primary relationship is with alcohol and their lives revolve around drinking. If you look back at a lot of the incidents, he doesn't include you in events that might include him and his friends smoking (birthday parties, concerts etc.), and whenever he can, he sneaks off to smoke and forgets about you because he is stoned and living inside his own head, watching TV or listening to music or whatever. So you are competing with a weed addiction, and he's not really interested in being straight and participating in a serious relationship that doesn't involve his ability to drift thru life while not being particularly responsible or accountable to anybody or anything, which is classic stoner behavior. He may be quite sweet as a person, but his devotion is to weed and not you, so you're just fit in around the edges. You can't win with stoners if you're not one yourself, so best not to try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pumpkinmoon Posted June 15, 2011 Author Share Posted June 15, 2011 Hi Lavender, I understand what you are saying. But that behaviour has stopped really. But it did make me wonder, maybe the reason is because there would be drugs (it isn't just weed) there and he knows I wouldn't be happy with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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