Can feelings be turned on/off like a switch? Can you do it?

[Lucidity]

I've been talking with some friends lately about relationships, and a common theme that keeps coming up; is that a few of them profess to have the ability to just stop liking/caring about someone almost instantly...almost like a switch, and they are able to move on and into a new relationship within a few days. I find this very foreign to me, as I tend to pour my everything into a relationship once I find someone with whom I make a serious emotional bond. I cant see being able to just -stop- liking/caring/loving someone instantly, or even after a few days/weeks. I require time to get over being dissapointed by someone when things dont work out, and I find it cold and callous that people say they are able to just forget someone and move on.

 

Of the friends who claim to be able to do this, all of them say it's more of a protection mechanism that has developed over time and helps to prevent them from being seriously emotionally hurt. Even the ones who dont claim to be able to do this say that dating has become more of a "game", full of players who arent interested in comittment. I've been dating again now for close to a year and I have to say that I tend to agree with this notion even though it sounds overly judgmental.

 

I was emotionally devastated after a three and a half year relationship went sour. I spent the next 15 years with a high wall around my heart, and as extreme as that sounds I still cannot fathom being able to forget someone and move on as these people say they are able to do. I know each one of us are individuals, each with our own ways of dealing with things, but I have to wonder what's really at work here. I've been dating a wonderful lady now for a few months, but anytime the topic of past relationships comes up I can see the pain on her face even though she is one of the ones who claims she is able to move on so quickly after a bad breakup. I think we all have the gift of discernment, some better than others, but if I sense that what someone is telling me isnt matching their facial expressions/reactions, then I tend to be on guard as well and not as trusting of the person as a result.

 

What do you think? Can people really just stop caring for someone and move on as quickly as some of my friends say they are able to do, or is them saying this nothing more than their own form of denial where the hurt/recovery process is concerned? Or something else entirely?

[SapphireNoir10]

Who knows if they REALLY switch them off deep down. Feelings you can bury, not switch off, and its not healthy or good for you. I'd rather feel it as much as possible.

[BriarRose]

I have known people (both men and women) who have appeared to be able to do this (who really knows if they were successful or it was just a ruse). It is something I have always wanted to be able to do. It takes me a long time to get over someone, and that's not healthy.

[puppetmistress]

In my experience, when that happens the person wasn't totally "into" their partner to begin with. It may appear that their feelings snap off like a light switch, but the truth is they had already emotionally checked out of the relationship long ago and were just going through the motions without much sincerity. The verbal breakup is just a formality at that point, because one partner had already disengaged and mentally moved on.

 

With some of my exes, I was 95% over them in a matter of hours after the breakup. With others (well, one), I still think of them often and will probably never be fully over the experience, even though we were only together briefly. For me, it all comes down to the depth of the connection and how profoundly they impacted me on some visceral level. A long-term, but comfortable/easy relationship is something I find easier to get over than the shorter/turbulent/passionate/grabs-you-by-the-hair-and-slams-your-soul-against-the-wall type of stuff.

 

I also think some people simply dissociate from painful experiences instead of inviting the full spectrum of emotions inside. Or, for those with a healthier attitude, are in the habit of being present/future oriented instead of dwelling on something unchangeable. This seems to be easier for some people than others. It's all about where you place your focus. After a breakup, you can place it in the past and relive all the good moments you had with the person, think about them constantly, make yourself miserable missing them, etc. Or you can place your focus in the present moment, with what you have now (no more ex, but a globe full of other people) and let the new opportunities fill your mind. I don't think moving on quickly is inherently unhealthy or a sign you're in denial, although it can be -- it really depends on the context.

[The_Seeker]

The first ex [we were both 21 and 22], it was tough to switch off. I was very into him. I don't know if he was into me. This relationship lasted about 10 months. The reason I said I don't know if he was into me despite the fact the relationship was a long one was because the things he said on his views about a relationship.

 

The second ex [we were both 22], it was very easy to switch off because I knew the game due to ENA, and other readings what men do and women do. He was a very sweet talker but his action didn't match it. So the relationship ended about 1 week.

 

The third ex/or my last date [LOL I asked if he wanted to be with me, he said yes. But I think it was a lied. Oh well], I'm definitely turned off. If he suggests to go on a date, I will.

 

I have no expectations for relationships anymore. I'm just going to enjoy the date and feel good about myself. These so called "players" are in for a real surprise. LOL I will become exclusive when someone ask me for it. I'm definitely keeping my options open because I don't know if I am the rebound for someone or not.

 

So now, yes, people can switch off and on the feelings they have very easily after being hurt soo many times and have trust issues.

[BriarRose]

I wonder if we can train ourselves to do this - to just "dissociate" as Puppetmistress put it. I like to think any behavior can be learned... I get so tired of pining for people who are light years over me....

[The_Seeker]

I wonder if we can train ourselves to do this - to just "dissociate" as Puppetmistress put it. I like to think any behavior can be learned... I get so tired of pining for people who are light years over me....

 

I think we can, by not giving up our hearts so easily. Which is very sad in today's world. That's why I decided I will not depend on text message or will take hours to reply a text message when it is sent by a guy. LOL I prefer phone calls.

 

Anyway, if this continues I will sign up for arrange marriage. LOL Or turn to the other side.

 

And Hi BriarRose! Miss ya!

[Lucidity]

Thank you for a very thought provoking reply!

 

I do tend to think that people who date a lot more than I do develope a healthier emotional sense, and are able to set boundaries that would confuse the life out of me. There has to be a point though where that "protective" boundary is penetrated, where a heart is given over to another in complete trust, and all the feelings and emotions that go along with it are anchored in a common comittment. Once this occurs I just dont see how anyone could just flip a switch and within a week or so move on to another relationship. I dont believe it for a minute. Getting over that kind of pain takes time...but not days or a couple of weeks.

 

for verbage

[OrangeSlice]

With enough focus and meditation I am sure you could control your feelings like a switch. Feelings really are nothing more than electrical signals in your brain so if you can control some of those electrical signals then you can control your feelings.

[catfeeder]

Instead of black and white thinking, I like to picture more of a gradient. I also find it helpful to grasp 'balance' by putting extremes on a spectrum, then deciding where I honestly fall versus where, ideally, I want to be--and why. Then I go about learning how to shoot for that.

 

For instance, you already get that we're all individuals, so picture a scale of 1 through 10, 1 being completely closed off emotionally and 10 being a gaping well of exposed emotion. Without balance, people who lock up and live as a 1 might plow through experience without feeling much of it (until it comes out sideways in weird ways). A 10 might live on a roller coaster of hyper-intensity followed by retreat to protect all that exposure.

 

My guess is, healthy people tap the extremes sometimes while working themselves back into the 4 through 7 range of balance over time. This allows for some highs, some lows but also the resiliency to recover. This allows healing and prevents closing into a hardened shell without feeling -or- adopting self torture to keep wounds open and exposed.

 

I believe we get to choose our perceptions and behaviors and habits, and I also believe what may have served us at one point in our lives doesn't necessarily translate well into later life. We have some innate qualities, but we get to decide how we want to shape ourselves going forward.

[Lucidity]

By using the example of a "switch" I didnt mean to imply that it was a binary condition requiring that a person has to be in one state or the other, which is why I alluded to the notion that we are all individuals, each with our own life experienced way of dealing with breakups.

 

I agree with your scale, and it fits as an analogy for guaging where we are with our mentality when we enter a relationship, but does it fit as a way to define the amount of hurt/pain we feel when a breakup occurs? Can a person who is a 1 on your scale be capable of giving their heart to another and not feel anything if it doesnt go well?

 

I think that a person can be anywhere on the scale that you give as an example when they enter a relationship, but I think it goes much further than that when it comes to being emotionally wounded. I know doctors use a scale of 1-10 whenever they inquire about the pain that one is feeling, with 10 being the worst pain that they've ever felt, and 1 being hardly any pain at all. So if a person is an emotional 1 on your scale, I dont think it will necessarily translate into them feeling a 1 on the pain scale....but can there be a correlation? Good question.

 

In my reply to puppetmistress I made the statement that "there has to be a point though where that "protective" boundary is penetrated, where a heart is given over to another in complete trust, and all the feelings and emotions that go along with it are anchored in a common comittment.". I believe this with every ounce and fiber of my being, and I have a difficult time believing that people can fully commit to another person, have every intention of spending the rest of their lives with that person, only to have the relationship end badly, then claim to not feel anything and jump back into another relationship within days or weeks.

[piruru]

In my reply to puppetmistress I made the statement that "there has to be a point though where that "protective" boundary is penetrated, where a heart is given over to another in complete trust, and all the feelings and emotions that go along with it are anchored in a common comittment.". I believe this with every ounce and fiber of my being, and I have a difficult time believing that people can fully commit to another person, have every intention of spending the rest of their lives with that person, only to have the relationship end badly, then claim to not feel anything and jump back into another relationship within days or weeks.

 

I think most people who claim they can switch on/switch off are in denial about their own feelings. They've been so hurt that they've developed a wall and cannot feel beyond that wall. They have learnt how to shut down because of people who have hurt them and couldn't commit. Perhaps the real question here is when they finally do meet someone who is worthy of their affections, whether they can tear that wall down? Whether they can bare their heart and invest emotionally? Can they even commit now or does the thought of potentially being hurt again terrify them too much?

 

If they don't feel any pain after the end of a relationship, they never loved or invested much in the first place. I see a lot of dumpers being okay after dumping someone though, and I think that boils down more to the fact that they had already emotionally prepared for it in advance, whereas the other party didn't it coming. That I can understand.

[Lucidity]

Very insightful.

 

You touch on something that is often overlooked in cases when relationships go sour; the other person. If dumpers emotionally prepare themselves beforehand, arent they being completely selfish with little to no regard for the emotional well being of their SO? It almost seems as if a "cut and run" philosophy is more at play here than simply having a mythical ability of being able to turn their feelings off.

[BriarRose]

Thank you for a very thought provoking reply!

 

I do tend to think that people who date a lot more than I do develope a healthier emotional sense, and are able to set boundaries that would confuse the life out of me. There has to be a point though where that "protective" boundary is penetrated, where a heart is given over to another in complete trust, and all the feelings and emotions that go along with it are anchored in a common comittment. Once this occurs I just dont see how anyone could just flip a switch and within a week or so move on to another relationship. I dont believe it for a minute. Getting over that kind of pain takes time...but not days or a couple of weeks.

 

for verbage:

 

But some people can. I know it sounds incredulous to some of us, but it happens. My ex had a gf within weeks of his wife of 23 years leaving him. And I don't think it was a rebound. Some people just move on, always moving forward. Some maintain a middle ground, attempting to date, but not really opening themselves up. Others stay stuck in the past, the least healthiest option.

[xeinor]

i guess i am a bit late on this thread...

but for readers who find it...

 

i consider myself a man who can turn off his feelings. anytime anywhere. but i learned it the hard way. it started, as u said, as blocking my feelings in denial. after a while i found it amazing. it felt so natural. i felt like one of those know it all old Chinese. that is coz my mind was so calm. i could do incredible things. i was able to work for 12 hours strait without motivation or joy. i was able to think in ways i could never think b4, i always found the solution for anything. i could feel if a person lies to me just by looking in his eyes. after a while i could decide which feeling to feel! and for some time i was almost convinced i could see what people actually think. ofc there was the usual stuff as well - no one in the world could hurt me. my mind was free.

BUT

and there is always a but...

i learned to control this by my own. which became a problem... when a person decides what feeling to feel, he also has to fake things that will happen for regular people. u see, for example, when a normal person feel happy for too long the happiness level decreases and u tend to become sad. im not talking about feeling superior and then something bad happens. im talking about having a nice day and then the smallest thing ruins it...

such things are that causing the equality in out body. so u will have to feel bad once in a while by choice, for instance.

in cases that something is too unbalanced it will become physicly painful. in that case the the bhuda people were very accurate dividing the body to chacras by where an unbalanced feeling will strike.

FYI what i did was not switching off feeling but fully controlling them. this process shall b supervised by some1 who did it and figured it out. else it most likely cause massive pain one in a while and pretty often suicidal intentions.

 

SEE THIS AS A WARNING for all of who r willing to try the process it is hard to undo, and it might kill u if u r not out of it fast enough