Living together too soon, long-distance move, think it's hurting relationship...

[puppetmistress]

Here's the nutshell version: I met my boyfriend about three months ago in our hometown. We only went on two dates before he had a cross-country move to Hawaii for his job. We liked each other so much that we decided to maintain the relationship long distance (even though we both hate LDRs).

 

Well now he has free housing in Hawaii for the next year, possibly two years. I'm a freelancer with no physical office (i.e., no need to live in a specific location), and since long-distance is so stressful, I flew down to Hawaii three weeks ago to join him. Who wouldn't want to live in paradise for free, right? The plan on both our parts was that it'd be a semi-permanent move for me, coming back to the mainland only to visit family during the holidays and such. (I should mention that I was majorly dragging my feet at this plan at first; moving in too soon with somebody is a mistake I made in the past. But he managed to quell my reservations by explaining we'd have a lot of time apart, I'd have everything I need over here, emailing and Skype is too time consuming to do every day when we live far apart so living closer makes more sense, etc.)

 

The first two weeks were really quite nice, but things are feeling tense now. I have a lot of work stress and will basically have to work 12 - 14 hour days for the next four months in order to finish a very big writing project. So even though I'm in a beautiful place, I don't have time to really enjoy it and go do things outdoors with him, which we both find frustrating. I'm also more of a city person at heart, and living in this little town (with only a bike as transportation) is giving me a "cabin fever" feeling. I'm feeling homesick for my family and friends. I also prefer a good chunk of "alone time" every day, but when I ask for some space he takes it personally and thinks he's done something wrong.

 

My unhappiness here is probably making me seem distant to my boyfriend -- I can tell that the dynamic between us has changed recently.

 

The main problem is that I don't have the money to do a lot of hopping back and forth between Hawaii and the mainland. So either I live here with him and see him every day, or I live on the mainland and not see him for many months at a time.

 

The living arrangement isn't terrible (we are able to work in separate rooms), but I'm feeling the same way I felt the last time I moved in with a boyfriend I hadn't known for very long -- the courtship stage and romance ends prematurely. There are no dates, no anticipation for seeing the other person after being away for a while, etc. and you start taking each other for granted. The combination of stress and sudden live-in situation has also killed my libido, which is bringing up a whole new set of issues (I'll probably write a separate post about that in a different forum section).

 

I don't know what to do! If I tell him I want to go back now, it could very well end the relationship, since going half a year (or more) without seeing each other in person isn't something either of us are keen on. His parents and siblings are also flying out here in a month and are excited to meet me. He really is a wonderful guy and I could see myself being with him for a long time. But being together every day without any breaks is just making me crave space and time to reflect on our relationship.

 

Should I stick it out and hope I become happier living here, or should I go back to the mainland and risk ruining a really great relationship? I feel like such an idiot for not being happy living in such a beautiful place, but my heart just isn't here.

[OptomisticGirl]

It sounds like you went into this relationship not liking LDRs but went into it anyway - knowing theree would be long stretches of time apart and now you aren't happy because deep down you think you moved in to quick. Your answer is in that.

[abitbroken]

I think you know the answer to this one already. Two dates is not long enough to get to know someone. it would have been preferable to be long distance, visit once in awhile to see if there was something there and if you still felt a connection and weren't dating someone else when he was done with his one year work, you date. If you had the money, I would say move out and start dating eachother. Though it would be pricey to do in Hawaii. You can't have brought much with you, I would imagine, though, so would just need a small furnished place, etc. or a room. After that- If you are not happy, I would honestly return to the mainland and if you like eachother well enough, revisit eachother. But there is also the idea of making the most of it. I think for him to expect you wouldn't be working much and just be his fun girlfriend was unrealistic.

[catfeeder]

Would you necessarily need to foot the whole bill to visit him more often?

[Voguester]

I personally think that if it's this soon you're starting to feel suffocated by the relationship, not enough space from him etc then how would you ever get married and spend everyday with him for the rest of your life?

I must say, I enjoy the aspect too where I live in my own place and he comes over to meet up, when you're living together I think that one or both of you get lazy and don't put in as much effort to go out and do something like see a movie or go to a nice restaurant etc.

If I were you I would find an apartment of my own in Hawaii that's close by to him, it sounds like you need to find 'you' first and as cliche as it sounds, it's true. You really need that freedom at the moment to be yourself but also be respectful of his feelings and maintain the relationship.