Attracted to guy with girlfriend he met only a few weeks before me

[empress]

I started talking to this guy online about 6 months ago and we got along really well... slowly I started to feel attracted to him.. then one day he told me he has a girlfriend and I was devastated.

 

They'd only met a few weeks before we 'met'.. however I continued chatting to him online and when both our schedules became too busy (and the fact he didn't want to upset his girlfriend) we resorted to old fashioned email.

 

He has helped me a lot with various things over the past few months and supported me emotionally in my endeavours, work or otherwise. I feel that he is becoming (if not already) a really good friend.

 

We actually live about 3-4 hours apart. One day I had to go to his city to do some official business. I was so excited about finally seeing him in person (about 3 months after first chatting online) and hoped that he'd be free that day. As luck would have it, he was free and we spent about 3 precious hours together.

 

Two weeks later I had to go back again and it was really last minute. Once again I contacted him to see if he'd be free. He was not free for the whole day but basically we both made use of the time that we had. For me it was a magical day. It was honestly one of the happiest days of my entire life.

 

During that day I felt an irresistible urge to kiss him but I had to resist. In fact it was so hard to try not to even touch him. I think I may have touched him on the arm once or twice though.

 

I think he was very conscious of the fact not to touch me. ... I guess for his girlfriend's sake because he is a decent guy. However, he was ever so chivalrous, kind and polite to me and showed me a nice time around his beautiful city. I never wanted that day to end. It was honestly like something out of a movie, seeing these incredibly beautiful places...

 

I did get the feeling that he wanted to spend every last minute with me though, until it was time for me to leave. And this happened the previous time too.

 

I'm just confused whether he likes me, or whether he's just nice to me. He seems quite eager to email me regularly and we discuss many different topics (nothing mushy or raunchy)...

 

I asked the advice of a friend and she told me something I hadn't thought about before. If it's the truth it really really hurt me but I can't deny that that may be the case...

 

I'm 34 and he's 3 years younger than me. The girl he is seeing is about 10 years younger than him. My friend suggested that he's getting the physical thing from her (ie sex) and the mental stimulation from me, as due to our age being closer he probably has more to talk about with me.. whether that's true or not... it does seem plausible though.

 

She also mentioned that I just can't compete with her as she's so much younger than me but also more importantly, she is just there, in his town and I am not. We would have to have a LDR if we ever had a relationship. Do you think this has crossed his mind to, if he is even interested in me at all?

 

Basically I can't tell if he is or not and it's driving me up the wall.

 

Should I bother asking him?

 

Should I bother telling him how I feel about him, or would it be pointless and just end up hurting both of us?

 

Advice please!! Thank you

[annie24]

we resorted to old fashioned email.

 

hahahah!!!!

 

you said you met online 6 months ago - why did you not meet back then? i have a sinking suspicion he's been dating this woman for longer than a few weeks....

[empress]

No, I said a few weeks before me.. so around 7-8 months now.

 

We didn't meet back then because we live in 2 different cities!!

 

I don't feel like he's hiding anything from me if that's what you mean.

 

He doesn't really talk about her at all unless I ask. and even once he brought her up he apologised for it. I am guessing it's because he knows I like him.

[Moontiger]

He has a GF = He is off limits.

 

For arguments sake lets say he does like you, do you want to be with something who would do that to their girlfriend? Have you read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You"? I highly recommend it for your situation.

[annie24]

i think you should try meeting some available men. forget this guy.

[empress]

OK fair enough. Point taken. But should I continue emailing him or not? Because I do feel that he enjoys emailing just as much as I do. However if I were to break that off would he think I was also ending our friendship? I don't know how to explain it without also telling him that I've got a crush on him...

[annie24]

i've been in your shoes before and it's really pointless. he has the attentions of one woman out of town, and a gf in town. what are you getting from this situation? friendship - at best. a skeezy guy at worst. you can just also drift off a bit - not return his emails right away, take time to get over him and start meeting new men in your area who are more suitable.

[lila...]

There would be nothing wrong with keeping the "friendship" if he didn't have a girlfriend, but, I'm sure that if you continue corresponding, it is highly improbable it would stay at just a "friendship"- your feelings will get more and more invested and it'll likely end in heartbreak. Also, what is telling him you have a crush on him going to accomplish? Like moontiger already said, if he were to break up with his girlfriend for you, that speaks volumes about his character.

[Moontiger]

I agree with annie, just start lower the amount of contact you have with him bit by bit. Don't respond as quickly, write a little less in the emails you send, etc.

[empress]

Thanks for your advice. Yes that is what my friend suggested too (slowing down and decreasing email contact and frequency etc).

 

I actually have started dating other men recently but my heart's not in it because nobody can compare to him in terms of the conversation with have, the laughs we share, the kind way he treated me... etc... I know it's because it's a crush and I'm idealizing him ... I know what I have to do and that is get over him but at the moment it's just so hard. I think about him every day and how happy we could be together. It just hurts so much. I know it'd be wrong of him to leave his current gf for me and and I'm not really that type of person to 'steal' a guy from someone else either. I've never been in this sort of situation before and finding it all rather hard to take.

[annie24]

Hey - I totally understand, I have been there. I think if you decrease the contact, focus on yourself, try to meet some new men who do spark your interest - you never know what the future will hold? maybe he and his gf will break up naturally and then maybe you two might have a shot? maybe you will meet someone you like even more??? many things can happen in the future. just don't let yourself get hurt.

[catfeeder]

Why not just tell him you're finding this difficult and would like to walk away while you still have good feelings about him, and he's welcome to contact you if he's ever free and completely over GF. If you're still available, you can meet to catch up, but until then you'd like to stop contact.

 

Opting out avoids setting him up to be disloyal to a GF. If he crosses that line you'll enjoy it for 5 minutes before the 'ick' factor sets in. Who'd want to form a relationship with a guy who sets up other women behind a GF's back? (HUGE 'ick'...)

 

Head high.