am i really the crazy one like he says???

[seashellsk]

Ok I have been in a relationship for going on 6 years now with this man. We have had some real winner conflicts (bad). Somehow I feel that everything is always twisted and I end up the crazy, psycho (he has yelled this at me twice now) woman. So I am going to post a text string and please let me know if I really am crazy an just can’t see it.

 

Back story, we unfortunately are an affair couple. Left spouses for each other, lived together for 6 months and I moved out on my own (another long story and can be found reading my other posted on my profile) i have told him in the past that is bothers me when he doesn’t let me know he is going somewhere or making plans that doesn’t include me. The reason I asked this is because I have made weekend plans for us to only find out his family has made plans for him and THEY come first. He still refuses to include me into his family and he still allows his family to include his Ex. That I can deal with, but springing stuff on me so as to not allow me to make plans really angers me. I can have a life without him being stuck to my hip if I have some heads up, even if it is only a half a day notice. If I confront him and it gets crazy.

 

Day one, he goes out telling me he was only going to pick up his truck to his son and drive him home. I expected him to be back in no more than an hour tops. After almost 4 hours I asked him if he still had something of mine. He then tells me he had lunch with kids and was at their house. I asked him if he would be home before his son’s BB game he said he might not. I never said a thing, because kids are important. My female friend texted me asking me to join her. I went out and even came home early. I had been watching tv and fell asleep on the couch. For your ease of reading his texts will be shown as M- and mine as F-

 

M- still out?

M-so either you are out and don’t and me to know or asleep or ?

F- I just woke up

M- Sure you did

F- Guess I will go to bed now

M- yep I’m sure

F- Yes I did but whatever

M- you might want to turn all the lights out before you go to bed

F- for your info I fell asleep on my couch

F-Gnite

 

Next morning

F- I do not understand why you would insinuate I was lying about falling asleep on my couch last night

M- let me ask why you didn’t want to tell me where you were going yesterday (I told him I was going to meet my friend)

F- I told you maybe 10 minutes after I found out. I rushed into shower with intention of telling you as soon as I got out, you only texted me first as I was getting out. It was less than last minute plans (now remember he had never told me about spending his day with kids and said he didn’t think he would be home before his son’s game that night)

F- now why do you feel justified in insinuating that I lie all the time and think I should be ok with it?

M- All you said was going to meet Ann….no other details until later. You were only going to pub so why the rush and no time to talk (friend was not staying at pub long and he did end up coming over long enough to drop off my camera, but he never even bothered to tell me that until he texted me while I was in shower and he was almost at my house when he did that (been driving for at least 10 min))

M- you would consider it sketchy too if the roles were reversed

F- you know you are always invited to join me no matter what. No matter who I am with or where I am at. You never even told me a thing about coming back before him game or that you were spending a few hours with them.

M- but you knew I was with kids having lunch and getting my truck

F- what you don’t understand is that I feel the roles are reversed all the time with us. That if I call you out on it, I get called psycho, or worse. No you never told me you were eating lunch. Only picking up truck and dropping him back off. Nothing else.

M- you are right….my apologies

F- I cant tell if that is sarcasm or not. Not sure how to taken it but doesn’t read like you meant it.

M- I don’t say it if I don’t mean it

F- I don’t really understand what you apologized for exactly

M- that I didn’t tell you about spending time with kids and just going straight to his game

F- what am I suppose to do when I am feeling this way over and over

M- What? So all this is being turned into my fault now huh? Good deal…..AGAIN

F- I know, poor pitiful me crying again about her pitiful life…all good nw (he used my telling him my problems in life against me by telling me he was tired of hearing how pitiful my life was (I have ptsd from a deployment)

M- WOW….nice. That’s good stuff

F- it’s how you feel, I get that. I am too sensitive, too emotional, too clingy, too controlling, too psycho, too moody. I do get what you think of me, but your wrong and I don’t own your labels.

M- Putting thoughts in my head and words in my mouth…you are on a roll.

F- unfortunately didn’t put most of them in your mouth and that really sucks from my end. I wished it werent’ the case. Do you know just how many time you have tried to hurt me by yelling them to me?

M- wow…so we are going back to that. warn me next time. Vacation is over so back to that stuff now

F- Yeah I can see how you would feel that way

F- to you, all you can see is me always trying to make you feel the bad guy

M- Yep you know me….only thinking of myself

F- This will get us nowhere. If sometime you want to get together and talk about it I will , but this way is not getting us anywhere and I’m not going to do it anymore

M- I didn’t start this you did. If you want to talk then you let me know. You are the one troubled by our relationship and me

 

 

That night he out of the blue has to text to tell me he is out with his party buddy having a good time.

M- at the pub having a great time with male friend

F- coolness

M- so you out?

F- getting ready to go out and meet my female friend and her BF (he has known about this outing for months)

M- to see xxxx band

F- yep

M- cool have fun then

F- you too

M – LOL ….ok then

F- I told you I wasn’t going to play thiese head games anymore so just stop and enjoy the little time you have left with your friend before he moves away. I am not going to poke you all night and neither should you.

M- WOW…you’re something else. I am not poking, what is wrong with you. I just said have fun wow

F- and I responded “you too” and you just had to respond with “LOL, ok then” I didn’t say anything snide but understand. Have fun in your night and just stop this

M- no problem……..stopped

******less than an hour later

M- sitting here alone now….hope you are having a fun time

F- join us

M- no you want me to join you? Where?

F- pub xxxx

M- pretty sure that is too far for me to drive right now (so why the heck did he feel the need to tell me he was alone?)

F- OK

M- not to mention I doubt you really want me there…..so have fun

F – ok I will ( I stopped responding at all after that)

M- LOL….NICE I hope you do

M- hope your night is cool. I’m bouncing now….pretty drunk

M- Ok ….very drunk now……LOL

M- Gnite and cya when I cya (this was about 2am)

 

I feel that if I respond in any way that he deems not kissing his butt, that he retaliates with nasty snide hurtful things. Please read the texts and be honest with me because he is making me feel like it is all me and I am crazy.

[Silverbirch]

No, it's him too - he is partly making you paranoid. Do You think he might have somebody else. When my ex ex was cheating, he used to accuse me of it.

[seashellsk]

Thing is that i dont think he is cheating. I can't figure it out why he reacts the way he does. Seems like when he hurts my feelings and i let him know, he totally gets mad and turns things so he gets to be the one angry.

[rosephase]

Thing is that i dont think he is cheating. I can't figure it out why he reacts the way he does. Seems like when he hurts my feelings and i let him know, he totally gets mad and turns things so he gets to be the one angry.

 

That is also what it seems like you are doing. It looks like a nasty cycle with both of you accusing each other. It's a hard place to be in. Both of you trying so hard to be the one who is the most hurt or the most angry or the most right. Have you thought of couples therapy?

[charity]

the whole things just sounds painful and weird. both of you. it is possible that he is game playing and manipulative but you too do sound like your game playing. if you are so miserable and feel like he hates you so much them just be done with it.

[PaintWithLight]

Sorry I could not even get those those text messages. The two of you are toxic twins and have a horrible way of communicating with each other.

 

Bottom line, you need to decide how you want to be treated and find a man who will treat you that way. The fact that he has you hidden away like a bad secret and will not let you spend time with his family speaks volumes. Why do you accept this arrangement? Sometimes affairs are just affairs. They happen and are not meant to be the foundation for a new permanent relationship. It sounds like both of you have so much baggage from before that you are buried under it all and cannot find a clean start. You are treating him like he is a worthy replacement but it all seems wrong. This just sounds like it has to end.

[piruru]

Whoa. You sounds like you're just trying to hurt each other. That's horrible.

 

I don't think you're crazy -- you're probably just crazy around him. I had an ex call me crazy once too. It took me a while to realise that we were just bad for each other. When each one keeps egging the other one on and being hurtful and no one stops the vicious cycle, it's not working anymore.

 

Part of functioning relationship is bringing out the best in each other. To an outsider, it looks like you guys are bringing out the bad stuff.

[OrangeSlice]

It seems like if one gets mad, the other gets mad.

My advice, if you start to get in an argument over text, tell him you are not going to talk to him about this until he has cooled off and you can speak to him in person. Texting is not the right place to have an argument. Best to have them face to face when both people have clear heads.

 

Never have arguments when you are mad, that is also the worst time to have an argument because neither side will listen to what the other side has to say. Always do it after you cool down. It has always worked for me.

[seashellsk]

Thank you for all your help. i have ended the relationship and blocked him from all communication. I know that i get sucked into being ulgy back. I guess i figure if he doesn't care about hurting me, then why should i. i knew it was over when i am beggin him to put our relationship first and come home to talk about our problems. Of course he never did in 5 years. i am a fool because when it was good, it was good. He likes to do things via text only. Now time to move on.

[charity]

good decision seashell