Bungle UK Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Hey, I have been on here since the break up and read some incredible advice. I guess... I have had a slight trip up with dealing with my healing process and would just like some reassurance and peoples advice. Turning to this site is a big comfort... Quick short story - We broke up in Jan, she got with someone else quickly, planned to go travelling, she missed me, we got back together briefly for a couple of weeks at the start of April but then I decided there was no point in making a go of it... Her issues were still there and she is going travelling for 4 months at the end of this month!... I set about changing my life and am now doing 4 challenges in 4 months for charity - I had a big page in the local newspaper, she noticed it and donated on my site with a lovely comment and donation... I got in touch to say thanks, but nothing more. She emailed back with a question asking about it all... And then it all comes flooding back, the anxious feeling etc, the feeling where you want to pour you heart out to her!! (even though I know it makes you look weak)... I have alot of empathy, and therefore don't want to upset her and almost want to know how she is doing and be friends. How do I go about this, I just seem to can't or even don't want to let go, is there any way to be friends?? Or should I just ride it out till the end of the month, wish her luck with her travelling and have done?... Its weird, I have done well so far. It was 4/5 wks NC up til this point. Is it worth me saying how I feel? Or is it just not even worth it with her travelling coming up? Do I meet one last time before she goes away? All these q's!!!! Sorry. Just feeling a bit low etc! Steer me in the right direction, please!! x Link to comment
CMS Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 I am sorry dude, but in my experiences that you can not truly be friends with an ex when you are not over her, it will always leads to more pain on either party. Sounds like you are not over her yet so let her go with love, wish her to have a blast in her travels and keep on doing what you have been doing. You can always revisit this topic later on when she comes back from travelling. Link to comment
deavyin Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 I have to agree. You cannot be friends with an ex when you are still emotionally invested in him/her. The best thing you can do is go complete NC and work on yourself. If you know that there is no way you can get back together (as is my case) then you need to get over the relationship and move on with your life. Right now you are in an emotional state and any decision you make will be heavily affected by that. When you no longer feel the way you do, then you will be in the right state of mind to decide if you want to initiate a friendship or not. She isn't going anywhere...the rest of your life she will exist somewhere on this planet living her life. If, later on down the road, you feel you can be her friend (and actually want to) without it causing you pain then you can be her friend then. Right now the friendship would be lopsided and you'd be doing it for all the wrong reasons. It's tough I know. My ex wants me to be friends too but it's pretty obvious with all that happened (her leaving for another guy) that it won't happen so we are NC now. I work with her and I just saw her not but 5 minutes ago. I refused to look at her head on but I could tell that, when she saw me, she definitely looked at me. She grabbed a couple papers off of the copier and instead of heading back to her cube, as I was walking towards her, she stopped and looked up a couple times. Even that encounter was enough to make me realize I can't be her friend right now. I can't even look at her without it causing pain. Could you really be in this girls company, looking at her, talking to her without pain? Wish her well on her trip if you want but after that DO NOT talk to her again until you are completely 100 percent over her. Link to comment
TiredOfGames Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 It doesn't sound like she's changed, which is why you called it quits in April. You could let her know you'd be open to reconciliation if, and only if, she has or is willing to change. She could use the time on her trip to think about that. A chat about things before her trip, at least to provoke some additional thought on her part about the reasons you decided to pull the plug due to her. If she's willing to change and sees the importance in the relationship to do this, the trip will give you both the space she needs to think about things (and you too of course). You both might always wonder if you don't have at least one conversation about this before she leaves. For your part you don't need to pour your heart out to her. Just be more matter-of-fact, a regular adult conversation without any or too much emotion getting in the way. Link to comment
Bungle UK Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 Thanks for the replies. Meant alot. We ended up cutting the emails short today, but in the last one I said, 'I still miss you' Big mistake, she never replied, and god do I feel awful!!!... But lesson learnt. Again... First time I am going through this, and just when you think you are coping and moving on, something else happens. Its horrible!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment
stevef20 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Hey, To completely buck the trend here, if you still feel this way for her, why leave? Ok she has things yiu would like to change but why not work at them together? Why not see a councillor and support one another? Have I missed something here ? Link to comment
Bungle UK Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 Hey, To completely buck the trend here, if you still feel this way for her, why leave? Ok she has things yiu would like to change but why not work at them together? Why not see a councillor and support one another? Have I missed something here ? Hey Steve.... If there was time, I would do. I still love her and miss her. But sometimes you have to do whats best for yourself. That might come accross selfish, but the last thing I wanted to do was sweat with anxiety why I sat at work and she was partying it up in Thailand. We got back 2 months ago, which would have been about 11 wks before she was off travelling. I felt that she lacked commitment, and she admitted she didn't want to come reliant on me before she left. I got cold feet... So I let her go. I didn't want to put myself through it. I guess if we both felt the same way after she has finished end of September, one of us will make contact. I feel like a rock in a hard place. I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't!... Think its worth me sending an email before she goes away saying if she feels the same way on her return to get in touch and meet for a coffee?? Or is that opening old wounds!?... Link to comment
Danny77 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Hey, To completely buck the trend here, if you still feel this way for her, why leave? Ok she has things yiu would like to change but why not work at them together? Why not see a councillor and support one another? Have I missed something here ? Steve, you know the answer to this. Just being in love with someone is not a reason to put yourself through turmoil by trying to get them back if it's looking like it will not work. That's the thing about love I guess, you put it out and if it's absorbed then it's beautiful, it not it bounces back at you 180' and becomes pain. Sheer rays of mega pain in the face!!! Remember also that that love can be for someone else in the future. Someone who is right. This is a convo between me and my grandad one time: me: but grandad I love her, why shouldn't I keep trying? Grandad: because I love cakes and now I have diabetes. End of convo. Link to comment
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