Pushed her away too hard, then went NC, how can I get her back?

[flnazrael]

This is a complex situation (isn't it always? but I'll try to lay it out as clearly as possible. This post is so long, I just feel that I can get the best advice if I get it all out there.

 

I broke up with my ex about 6 weeks ago. We were together 8 months, and had known each other about 10 months. Though I was the dumper, it was not something I wanted to do, our relationship was just in real trouble. I'm 28 and a small business owner. She's 27 and just entered the 4th year of med school.

 

We met online, I was out of town for business and we exchanged emails for a couple weeks. Met up in person when I returned and sparks flew.

 

From the very beginning the emotional, mental, and sexual chemistry was absolutely incredible. I was seeing 2-3 other girls at the time, but within a month I had dropped them all and was head over heels for this girl. She felt the same and we became "exclusive."

 

All of my friends and family were shocked, as I had been having a lot of fun being single. Yet everyone - even strangers - complimented us on how good we looked together, and how perfect we seemed.

 

Our honeymoon phase lasted for a few months. She was very emotional, clingy, and passionate. We had a lot of arguments but they were always minor and always about the same thing - she felt I wasn't as available as she would like. For instance, in the beginning she wanted to see me every single day, and I told her that this was too much and would burn the relationship out. She was also slightly insecure and jealous, for instance, commenting about girls she saw on my FB or pictures from my past. I was always VERY affectionate with her and constantly told her that she was the girl for me. I never cheated on her, even when I had opportunities with women I found attractive. For the first time in my entire life, I was with a woman that I saw a future with.

 

We had a lot of fun together. I traveled a lot and took her with me. In 8 months we went to Key West twice, the Bahamas twice, Vegas, and a couple other trips. We also did fun and interesting things. I tried to keep the relationship fresh. We have a LOT of pictures and memories.

 

But, over time, her VERY demanding school schedule (she was 3rd year med at this time, which is the toughest year of all) began to cause problems. She couldn't see me nearly as much as either of us wanted, and it started becoming a problem. At this point I think the balance shifted and I began to be the one that was clingy.

 

After a few months, she realized we were getting serious and that I saw her in my future. I never pressured, at least consciously, as I knew she had a lot on her plate with school and wasn't even sure if she was going to be able to stay in the area for her 3 year residency. I took her to my friend's wedding out of state, where we again got a bunch of comments from family and strangers alike on how good we looked together, "When are you two getting married?", etc.

 

When all this started hitting her, I guess she began to seriously analyze our compatibility. We had disagreements in the past about the fact that I am an atheist, and while she is not a practicing Christian, she wants her children (whenever that would be) to be baptized, go to church, etc. And her family is very religious. I honestly felt that this was just some kind of excuse, but I've talked to others and they feel it is a very legitimate concern. But she brought this up again and seemed to feel that it was now a likely dead end for us.

 

Then we had a fight a few weeks ago where she said she thought we should break up. She hadn't eaten all day, was pretty emotional, and she seemed unsure, so I just took the lead and told her that we were going to work through things as long as there wasn't another guy involved. She assured me there wasn't. We laid down, and said "make love to me", and afterwards she kissed me like she hadn't seen me in years. The next day we went out on the boat and had a good time.

 

I knew there was something deeper. After a few days she finally confessed that she was still not over her ex, whom she was with for 2 years, and had wanted to marry. He became distant and she dumped him; then she tried to reconcile and he said no. I did not realize this until recently, but this all happened about 5-6 months before she met me. She thought she was over him, but had seen him a couple months ago to pick up some of her property and he asked her to go to lunch with him, but she blew him off because she was happy with me.

 

Over the next couple of months, she explained, and as she and I started fighting, she began to wonder what he would say to her. She wanted closure and didn't understand what had happened to their relationship. So she began to talk to him a few days before I broke up with her, and she expressed her doubts about our relationship to him.

 

She told me how confused she was, and that while she didn't want to be with him again, she wasn't sure how she could be with me in light of how serious we were getting when she felt divided and still had those feelings for him.

 

Over the next couple of days I backed off, not contacting her, and she began to call/text and say that I felt indifferent to her. She seemed upset and wanted to see me, but I told her I needed time to think.

 

A day later, I calmly broke up with her and told her that she needed to decide how she felt about him, and me, and that if I were still single and she wanted to get back together, we could talk then.

 

I purposed to cut off contact, and deleted her from Facebook. She was devastated and sent me numerous messages. I ignored her for 24 hours and just couldn't take it anymore.

 

I went to her house late the next night and we talked. She was very warm and affectionate (not sexual though), yet was giving me the classic "I just need to be alone," "I'm not sure what I want," "you deserve better," etc. that indicates low interest level.

 

We talked for a while and it was so late by that time that I decided to stay (but again nothing sexual). But as I was laying there, I felt so angry at myself, like I was compromising my integrity and self-respect. I got up at like 2am, got dressed, told her I wasn't going to go through this, and left. She freaked out and kept calling my phone NON-STOP all night. I woke up the next day to something like 40 missed calls, 15 texts, and a voicemail.

 

That morning she kept calling and texting, begging to let her come over, promising she'd never talk to the ex again, etc. I said no.

 

Yet a few hours later, I wanted to talk to her again. I packed all her things and went to her house. I told her I needed to see the conversation between her and the ex. I needed to know if she had actually seen him and/or physically cheated on me... if that had happened then I was closing the door forever. She did show me her phone, though most of the messages had been deleted by now. I clearly saw from the messages she sent and his replies that he desperately wants her back, yet she is very confused and unsure, and thinks letting me go was a mistake. She also told him (and me) that she just needs to be alone right now.

 

I gave her the box with her things, and she was very upset. Didn't want me to leave. But I kissed her goodbye and walked out.

 

She sent me a couple messages later that day, which I ignored, but no hysterical behavior like the night before.

 

A few days later she asked me to go to on a weekend trip with her and her friends (the trip had been planned before the breakup). I felt deep down that it was wrong to go, but we agreed to go "as friends." Everything went well and we had a lot of fun until I was alone in bed with her. I couldn't take it. I felt so emasculated, knowing that she was still unsure she wanted to be with me.

 

I got up, took a walk, but I couldn't sleep. We ended up arguing. The next day at the theme park was miserable, with us arguing, then making up, then arguing again. We agreed to leave. On the 4 hour drive back, we had a VERY emotional talk and I felt a lot better. I was done talking about it.

 

She made a comment that I would be a "perfect" husband and father, and she wished she could wake up tomorrow and not feel confused and feel the spark that she felt in the beginning again. This is what stuck with me.

 

Anyway, she continued to send me a text every few days, which I politely but shortly replied to. I called her a week or so later, we talked for a while, very calmly. She seemed pretty depressed. Throughout the whole episode she hasn't really been eating or sleeping. She told me that she just feels like she is "done" with relationships at this point in her life, and that she was naive for ever wanting to get married before. I think she feels that she has to choose between love and being a doctor (the next four years are going to be brutal on her work wise).

 

I told her at the end of the conversation that it was probably best that we don't talk for a while. The next day, she sends me some texts apologizing for things she said, and that she just feels sad.

 

I encourage her, but again tell her that it's bets we don't talk. She gives me a curt reply, and that is the last we've spoken. I deleted her number.

 

 

 

My assessment of the situation is this: The poor girl just needed some space and time away from me, and I pushed her WAY too hard by just dumping her and cutting her out of my life, THEN I further complicated matters by waffling back and forth and being unsure.

 

Now that I have initiated NC, I cannot break it now and look weak. Yet this is a very feminine, passive girl, and I am afraid that she will take my silence to mean that I just don't ever want to hear from her again because she hurt me. And that is NOT what I want. What I want is for her to settle things with her ex, miss me, and come to her own conclusions about having me in her life again. I'm scared that if I never contact her again, she will be too scared or unsure to work things out with me, but if I DO, then I cannot re-establish the relationship from a position of the strength (which is necessary in cases like this where interest was lost due to pressure/neediness).

 

I recognize the issues I have that made her lose attraction, and I am working on those things. This girl means the WORLD to me, and is the only woman in my entire life I have ever seen a future with. I want her back, and I know what needs to be done to avoid the problems that led here in the first place.

 

My guy friends say that there is no hope because if she really wanted to be with me, the ex or school or her doubts about her own future wouldn't matter. I'm not sure this is true.

 

This post has been so long. If you read it, thank you! And any honest advice is very appreciated.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I did something similar with a guy, was intense, very affectionate and when he waffled, I dumped him. I'm still crazy about him, but I've kept him at arms length. We've met a few times and its clear we're still great for each other, but the damage is done. So I have carved out a place in my life where he can be a friend, if time changes how he feels, then I'll cross that bridge, until then I'm not going to invade his space.

 

I say leave her alone. Let a month or so pass, maybe send her a message asking how she is, if she is receptive ask to have a coffee. Be non-confrontational and give her space to decide.

 

Also, I'm of the mindset that no man would ever stand in the way of my schooling, especially a relationship that is under a year long. When you've invested years to a path of study, it is far too uncertain to put it all on the line for someone who could leave you on a whim. She has to take care of her future.

 

As for the position of strength stuff, stop it! She's not a dog, she doesn't need you to be her master and show her who has the upper hand. If you want to be with her, you need to see her as an equal and treat her as an equal.

[flnazrael]

Thanks for your response.

 

First off, I deeply respect her commitment to school. And she is just as intelligent as she is beautiful - just another reason I'm so upset about losing her. I would never expect her to compromise her career for me, and I would not do that for her. She is going to be a VERY good doctor... the world could use more of those.

 

I know deep down that NC is what is best, even though that is not what she wants (and not what I want).

 

I think the position is important. I know the OP was long, but if you read it all you realize that there were times in this process where she pursued me; but it was only when I displayed indifference. Simply put... people want what they can't have.

 

It needs to be her idea to come back, obviously. And it just seems that letting her contact me, and then trying to build attraction and letting her chase me (as in the beginning) is the way to go. I'm just scared that (because she is passive and may take my silence as a 'I don't want to hear from you again') she may want to at least explore reconciling, but won't do it unless I make the first step.

[Eocsor]

Well, it seems to me like you were her rebound. That’s not to say that things can't work out for you but she was still in a very confused state when you met and might have been using you for comfort.

 

As far as reconciling and no contact go, No contact is for you to heal not to win her back. If you are both still interested in trying to pursue a relationship it's pretty self defeating. She may legitimately be confused about what she wants. By going no contact you may make her decision easier (i.e. he doesn't want me so I’ll find someone who does)

 

There’s no surefire way to get someone back. You may lose out no matter what you do. If it was me, I'd just be honest. Tell her you love her and want her, and you want to work towards that. What you are doing just sounds like gamesmanship.

[flnazrael]

I agree, she fell hard and fast without getting to know me well first. I was a rebound, but I think somewhere along the way she developed real feelings because she is not back with her ex despite him desperately wanting her again. I don't think she realized that she wasn't over him, when she got involved with me.

 

I've already told her clearly where I stand. And she is still "confused" and just wants to be "alone" and focus on her career. Generally in woman-speak this never means what it seems to, but I do believe that her head is pretty shaken up right now and she has a lot to figure out (both in her life and her career). So this is not a case of who can ignore who longer, while both people want to work on it all the while.

 

She needs to experience life completely without me to know how she honestly feels. Is that really possible with LC? It doesn't seem that way, in this situation...

[Eocsor]

Do what your gut instinct tells you to. You know the situation better than anyone. There is no right or wrong, it's all a crap shoot at this stage. You take your chance and see what happens. Best of luck.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I think the position is important. I know the OP was long, but if you read it all you realize that there were times in this process where she pursued me; but it was only when I displayed indifference. Simply put... people want what they can't have.

 

It needs to be her idea to come back, obviously. And it just seems that letting her contact me, and then trying to build attraction and letting her chase me (as in the beginning) is the way to go. I'm just scared that (because she is passive and may take my silence as a 'I don't want to hear from you again') she may want to at least explore reconciling, but won't do it unless I make the first step.

Thinking position is important is not going to endear you to her. You are trying to play a game that could blow up in your face. With her waffling and your indifference, I wouldn't be surprised if she goes to the ex who is giving her attention. If she is passive and you are passive, then you are both going sit and wait. No contact is a tool to help you move on and to protect your heart, it is not a tool to manipulate another person's emotions.

 

If you want her back, tell her and wait. Otherwise, leaver her alone.

[flnazrael]

As much as I hate to say it, relationships do seem to be a game. I'm not nearly as naive now as I was a few years ago.

 

I doubt she goes back to the ex, because he is being so emotional/pressuring/needy about it. She's already turned him down.

 

The only reason she wasn't over him in the first place is because he rejected her.

 

And her loss of interest in me started when she realized she "had" me and the balance of power shifted, I sensed her pulling away, and I got needy. And the only time she expressed interest after that was when I pulled away again.

 

Again, people want what they can't have.

 

 

 

But yes, she knows I want to work things out. It's only been a few weeks that this has been going on, I'm just trying to give her time to herself. She's also in the middle of studying for a major board exam right now. Maybe after that is over and that stress is out of her life, I will contact her. I just don't want her to feel like I am going to come back to her no matter what - because she will never respect that.

[AutumnBorn]

You've created a conundrum, flnazrael. You want her, but you've dumped her. You want to be strong, not look weak, but you want to make contact...but contact is bad, no contact is good. Your guy friends say if she wants to be with you, she'll be with you. But you're ignoring her, have cut her out of your life, so how could she be with you?

 

If you think relationships are game play, I guess they are for you. She can't be confused or need space or share her thoughts and feelings with you now because you've shown her it isn't safe - you will retaliate in spite of it hurting you. Your pride is more important than your happiness and hers.

 

Yet, you want her back. You don't know how to make contact without appearing weak. You say you'll wait until after her exam to make contact, but the longer you go, the harder it is to make contact. You don't want her to think you'll come back no matter what. You'd rather she think you won't come back no matter what?

 

I'm confused. What do you truly want?

[flnazrael]

Thanks for your post.

 

I broke up with her because I sensed her slipping away. It was coming regardless. I did not break up with her just to be the one to do it "first", rather, I did it out of self-respect. I felt like hanging around and "waiting" for her to choose between me and the ex was emasculating, and frankly, not something I deserved after how good I had been to her (she admits this as well).

 

I did what I had to do; not what I wanted to do.

 

I also told her that if she had come to me with these feelings she was experiencing, instead of talking to him behind my back and discussing our relationship with him, it would have been totally different. I love her enough and am mature enough to realize that she has a past, and that this guy obviously meant the world to her at some point. I would've encouraged her to sit down with him and try to gain the closure she said she was lacking. But that is not how it went down. She lied to me, let herself start to distance, and made up excuses as to why. That is not my fault.

 

The reason I am doing NC is three-fold:

 

1) to heal and gain perspective

 

2) to let her miss me and not have the ability to just talk to me when she needs an emotional lift and validation for her ego that I'm still "around" and waiting for her

 

3) to completely free her to continue to talk to the ex (guilt free) so she can see how she really feels

 

I am not trying to play games with her.

 

She knows CLEARLY how affected I am by this. Even though I broke up with her - I have cried, I have asked her to work it out, I have explained that I forgive her, I have told her she doesn't have to feel guilty about missing her ex and that it is only natural, I have told her that I don't WANT to move on, though I cannot put my life on hold.

 

She knows all this. Her response is still that she is confused, needs space, needs to be alone, etc. I am also hearing the typical "you deserve better than me," "I just don't want to be with anyone anymore," "it's not you it's me," "no one is going to treat me better than you did," etc. that women say when they just don't want to hurt your feelings with the absolute truth. When a woman says those things, you are in the friend zone.

 

Yet other times she has backpedaled and said, "Could we really fix this?" or "I can't be with my ex because I still love you," or "Losing you will be the biggest regret of my life."

 

Basically she is just VERY confused right now... and I know she needs space. I feel like the main problem with me contacting her again is that a) it makes me look like I can't make a decision and stick with it and b) it will again reinforce this idea that she can come back any time she wants. Only when she realizes that I truly am letting go of her will she know how she honestly feels about losing me. Talk is cheap; NC demonstrates that I am making a daily effort to do just that. Is this not right?

 

 

Honestly, as a woman, would you respect a man that said, "I will be available for you always?" I doubt it. I need her to understand that I love her immensely (she does), yet I will close the door in time.

 

 

That is the ONLY thing I'm sure of. The rest I am just trying to sort out.