cannot be happy

[Hypa22]

i've been bullied my whole life, i have no friends anymore, i didn't have a boyfriend until i was 23 and he utterly smashed my heart after just a few months because it was a new feeling for me and i got too attached and i don't ever want to date again, I can't control my dramatic emotions even though i've been numbed by antidepressants for my entire life, i'm a masochist, i can't go home because i hate my family and everyone i grew up with, and i can't seem to be happy whatever i do. In college i tried but lost all of my friends due to my own emotional hang ups, and everyone talked about my eccentricities behind my back while i went on thinking i was normal because the antidepressants had altered my perceptions.

 

i find myself crying in public uncontrollably - this is after being medicated and in therapy twice a week. Nothing seems to make it better. i want to die all the time, but i don't really want to and am scared, so i stay in bed and in my room for hours and hours. It is another form of death.

 

Everyone tells me i should be enjoying my youth, and having experiences. I don't want to experience anything. I can't trust people and it's gotten to the point that i'm scared around them. I had one respite from these feelings exactly a year ago and I want it back so badly, but i don't think it will happen again.

 

why can't i be happy? why can't i just put things into perspective? Why do i not like people enough and why can't i forget the things that make me hate myself? I want to love again so badly, i want to have fun with all these thing i know, but i can't as hard as i try. I've wasted my life alone and it wasn't by choice and all i am is self pitying and ashamed.

[EternalDreamer]

Hypa22, if you want to find happiness through love and friendship with other people, then you deserve to! Let me say that you're not alone, and that it's great you're venting your feelings in one way or the other. I'm sorry to hear that counseling and therapy aren't helping, especially since I'm obviously not nearly as qualified as a professional, but let's see if there's anything we can do to help make you feel better.

 

Ok, so first of all, can you elaborate on what you think is causing your problems? Why did your emotional hang-ups cause you to no longer have friends, how exactly did your bf crush your heart, how did your over-attachment play into that, describe your "dramatic emotions", and what things are you trying to do that fail to make you happy? Maybe fleshing out all these problems will give a better perspective on what needs to be fixed.

 

Don't feel bad about being self-pitying and ashamed. I bet you feel like things are out of your control and you have no idea what to do, so of course that would make you feel bad. There are great people out there and I'm sure you realize that; maybe if this issue of over-dramatic emotions is tempered, you'll find yourself more trusting little by little.

 

But ok, first feel free to elaborate on the source of your problems!