pillowtalk Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 My friend discovered her boyfriend of 9 months has a dating profile and the last log-in date was 5 days ago. It says he's single and looking to date. To her, they were in love and committed. Is there any situation in which this would NOT be a bad sign? Link to comment
pillowtalk Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 Haha, no! I'm just trying to give her advice, and most of it is... negative. Trying to think if there could be any reasonable reason why your boyfriend would be on a dating site. Boredom? For * * * * s and giggles? Link to comment
rocio Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 What would I do? Leave him. Immediately. From my experience, if they're on dating sites when you're dating, they'll still be on dating sites after you're married with kids. Leave him, leave him, leave him. And don't look bad. Link to comment
iBroken Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 I think its a good thing.......shes found out that shes dating a skeeze. Now she can break up and move on Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 I agree. I found my bf on a dating site, however, at the time we had only been dating for a few weeks. HOWEVER, we had decided we were exclusive. no, there is no reason for him to have a dating profile that he is actively checking. he's obviously still looking. she needs to leave and not look back. if she confronts him, he will try to spin some lie - like he's only on there to 'help out a friend' or he 'gave his friend his online dating profile' or some other nonsense. if she's dumb, she might fall for that too. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Hard to say. While there is the possibility that he's just curious and is looking for an ego boost by seeing if other people would show interest in him, it's likely his reasoning is more sinister than that. Link to comment
XButtonsx Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 I agree - i think she should count herself lucky, she doesnt need a guy like that. He doesnt deserve her and she can do so much better x Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Hard to say. While there is the possibility that he's just curious and is looking for an ego boost by seeing if other people would show interest in him, it's likely his reasoning is more sinister than that. yes, that is the most 'innocent' possibility - but i would not date someone who would play with other peoples' feelings in that way. it is very selfish. Link to comment
pillowtalk Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 Hard to say. While there is the possibility that he's just curious and is looking for an ego boost by seeing if other people would show interest in him, it's likely his reasoning is more sinister than that. What if it is just an ego boost then? Is that forgivable? Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 What if it is just an ego boost then? Is that forgivable? To me, it is not. I don't want to date someone with such low self-esteem that they feel the need to trick other people to feel better about themselves. I want to date a guy who is secure in himself and doesn't need random women hitting on him to make him feel good. Don't I make him feel good?? I think it's also not fair to the women who are on the dating site, looking for a single man to date. he is wasting their time. it's all around dishonest. So, no, I don't find that forgivable. Link to comment
DN Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 She should tell him she found it and ask him why he is on there. Link to comment
hunniebunn Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 The fact that he just logged in 5 days ago completely changes the situation. I agree with FathomFear with the possibility of an ego boost, but I would not date anybody that felt the need to go on a dating site to get a "boost". Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 What if it is just an ego boost then? Is that forgivable? As they say, "Nice try, but no cigar." Link to comment
FathomFear Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 What if it is just an ego boost then? Is that forgivable? If that truly is the explanation then yes, I would deem it forgivable. It's not like he's cheating. For all we know he just made a profile and wants to see how many visits/comments it generates. Perhaps it stems from a lack of affection in his current relationship and he doesn't feel validated as being physically attractive. But as annie says, this is the most "innocent" possibility. Chances are something more nebulous is going on. Link to comment
pillowtalk Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 What would I do? Leave him. Immediately. From my experience, if they're on dating sites when you're dating, they'll still be on dating sites after you're married with kids. . Do you know of stories of husbands on dating sites? God, the internet ruined everything! Link to comment
pillowtalk Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 If that truly is the explanation then yes, I would deem it forgivable. It's not like he's cheating. For all we know he just made a profile and wants to see how many visits/comments it generates. Perhaps it stems from a lack of affection in his current relationship and he doesn't feel validated as being physically attractive. But as annie says, this is the most "innocent" possibility. Chances are something more nebulous is going on. The thing is, even if it is just for an ego boost or boredom or whatever, it's just a pretty lame thing to do -- like some weakness of character, right? Anyone who needs that much attention from the opposite sex, or feels the needs to window shop for other women when in a relationship, doesn't seem to possess the right values a person should have in a relationship. So while maybe this is "innocent," it think it's indicative of future behavior concerning other issues. Link to comment
TakingtheBlame Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 I was on a dating site (OKCupid) during the entirety of my one and a half year relationship (from 24 to 26) BUT I listed myself as "Seeing Someone", and definitely not as single and looking. I was honestly (honestly!) on there for the personality quizzes (which is what OKCupid used to be about primarily, or so I thought at the time) and because I just kind of browsed when I was bored. I had no intention of meeting anyone new or cheating (and never did.) So yes it can be innocent...but probably in like 1% of cases and definitely not where the boyfriend is listing himself as single and looking. Certainly a huge red flag worthy of discussion at the very least. Link to comment
Goncas Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Well i have a friend of mine that has been with same girfriend for the past 8 years, he to is on a dating website. For him is just for fun, ego, he never goes to any dates or even msg'ed someone... ofc his gf doesnt know about it. It should be cause for alarms though and no doubt something has to be made about it, im just saying that might be other reasons other than betrayal, thus not being a deal breaker on the spot! Link to comment
FathomFear Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 So while maybe this is "innocent," it think it's indicative of future behavior concerning other issues. Right--and some of those issues might be related to his girlfriend (your friend). There are two sides to every story. While our first instinct is to usually side with our friends, for all we know the relationship he has with your friend is a train wreck. Perhaps she's never affectionate, unpleasant, etc, and he's on his way to checking out. We really don't know. Ultimately your friend will need to work it out with him and find out the real causes and then decide if she wants to address them or just leave. Link to comment
pillowtalk Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 I was on a dating site (OKCupid) during the entirety of my one and a half year relationship (from 24 to 26) BUT I listed myself as "Seeing Someone", and definitely not as single and looking. I was honestly (honestly!) on there for the personality quizzes (which is what OKCupid used to be about primarily, or so I thought at the time) and because I just kind of browsed when I was bored. I had no intention of meeting anyone new or cheating (and never did.) So yes it can be innocent...but probably in like 1% of cases and definitely not where the boyfriend is listing himself as single and looking. Certainly a huge red flag worthy of discussion at the very least. Well i have a friend of mine that has been with same girfriend for the past 8 years, he to is on a dating website. For him is just for fun, ego, he never goes to any dates or even msg'ed someone... ofc his gf doesnt know about it. It should be cause for alarms though and no doubt something has to be made about it, im just saying that might be other reasons other than betrayal, thus not being a deal breaker on the spot! Oh man, both of these stories give me a stomachache! I don't understand why you have to be on a dating site if you're in a relationship! Can't you just check out girls in real life? Link to comment
theWalla Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 She should tell him she found it and ask him why he is on there. I agree with this. Did they meet on this dating site? Was he on this dating site prior to having a relationship with her? What site was it? Some dating sites have forums or other services that he could use without it automatically meaning he is actively using the site. I know I am playing devil's advocate...but if there is no other reason to suspect the guy of cheating or infidelity, I would just advise to have a conversation about it and see if he can give any reasonable explanation as to why he's active there. Link to comment
pillowtalk Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 Right--and some of those issues might be related to his girlfriend (your friend). There are two sides to every story. While our first instinct is to usually side with our friends, for all we know the relationship he has with your friend is a train wreck. Perhaps she's never affectionate, unpleasant, etc, and he's on his way to checking out. We really don't know. Ultimately your friend will need to work it out with him and find out the real causes and then decide if she wants to address them or just leave. No, she is a great girl, and I know both of them well, and they seem very happy and affectionate when they're with each other. Her BF can be a little off-putting sometimes, but they spend all their time together, take trips, met each others families, etc. All signs of a relationship. So not sure. He may just be a lemon. Link to comment
pillowtalk Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 I agree with this. Did they meet on this dating site? Was he on this dating site prior to having a relationship with her? What site was it? Some dating sites have forums or other services that he could use without it automatically meaning he is actively using the site. I know I am playing devil's advocate...but if there is no other reason to suspect the guy of cheating or infidelity, I would just advise to have a conversation about it and see if he can give any reasonable explanation as to why he's active there. Of course, she needs to ask him. Just trying to talk it out with her before she approaches him. He's on OkCupid, but they didn't meet on the site. Though she knows he met his last gf through the site. Link to comment
Confused28645 Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Reminds me of when my I found my ex had a profile on a dating site that was active. His excuse was that he had made it ages before we met, and he hadnt been using it but had just happened to have logged into it the day I found it because his sister had been chatting regularly to someone on the same site and had *gasp* suddenly forgotten her password, so had asked him to log on through his inactive profile so she could send the person a message. What an amazing coincidence (!) I cant think of any acceptable explanation. Link to comment
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