Really lost for words: Weight loss and jealousy.

[DWNWRDSPRL]

Two years ago I lost about 30 pounds at the insistance of my physician. He said now that I was approaching my early 40s, I was looking at metabolic syndrome. Recommended I lose 20 pounds and get off the carbs.

 

I pretty much ignored him until he said the word "diabetes".

 

Major wake up call. So I lost 30 and got all my bloodwork in check. Look better, feel better, no doubt that I did it for the right reasons. My wife was there in the room when he started all of this.

 

Now, she says that I shouldn't tuck in my shirts....that I care about my appearance too much.....that I must be "trolling for women". That I must be enjoying the attention.

 

What?

 

So I ask you, any of you, especially if you are the jealous type......WHAT THE HECK?

 

I can't wrap my mind around it. That line of reason makes no sense to me whatsoever.

 

It hurts. It cuts me to the core.

 

I made this change to increase my time with this woman. And in some ways, I see it as prolonging the suffering of living with someone that is insanely jealous.

 

Am I wrong for losing this weight? The father in me says absolutely not.

 

Call me crazy but I want to see my son grow up, get married, have children of his own, etc.

 

I fear that she is somehow cutting me down slowly but surely. I swear I had friggin chest pains after this morning's argument while I was getting ready for work.

 

Prayers needed. Not for me....but for her. Cause it is killing her too. How could anyone want to live like she does?

 

Thanks. Rant off.

[lucasky]

It could be that your wife is just insecure (worried that women will come after you and your new hot bod haha), or that she is jealous that you've lost weight when she wants to lose weight herself.

 

I've never been in a married relationship, so I am clueless about how you deal with conflict in one (I'm horrible at dealing with conflict in general), but I think its just important to recognize that this is not about you losing weight as much as it is her own insecurities/jealousy.

 

I lost 20lbs while backpacking. I was 135lbs on a 5'4 frame beforehand, with an athletic build, so I had a good body beforehand. I'm now 115lbs on a 5'4 frame, and I've lost both muscle and fat. I suppose my slender frame better fits western ideals of beauty (sucks for playing sports though ). A lot of my friends say I look great, but some are very jealous. It hurts my self-esteem a bit, actually, but I remind myself that I'm still as healthy as I was before, and that they're just dealing with their own struggles. Over time, things seem to be getting easier.

[DN]

Tell her this and tell her that you will say it once and once only "I lost the weight because the doctor insisted and warned me about diabetes - you know this because you were there at the time. I have worked hard to lose the weight and I am proud of myself for doing so and looking and feeling healthier. I had hoped you would be proud of me too. But I have no interest in any other woman than you - I love you and you only. If you can't accept that or you think I have such a low character that I would cheat on you then that is very disappointing but it is your problem not mine and I am not prepared to talk about this again. I just want you to know that if you can't get past these doubts about me you are going to damage the relationship."

[Janeiac]

DN is absolutely correct. State your position, and don't engage in arguments over it.

 

Unfortunately, is it very common for one partner to get jealous and insecure over the other's weight loss. Try to think of it as a compliment, twisted as it is, that she thinks you are so attractive other women will be chasing you. It's really a shame she is feeling insecure enough to worry you will be tempted to stray. Perhaps it would be helpful for you to offer her some reassurance that you lost the weight for yourself, and consequently for your family so that you wouldn't get sick and die too soon, and that you aren't interested in hurting your family by cheating. Tell her you feel great, and you want her to feel great also.

 

You did a terrific thing. Losing weight is difficult. Stick with it (don't start eating over the stress) and keep your eye on your priority: maintaining health and happiness.

[DWNWRDSPRL]

DN, I pretty much said exactly that and followed it with an offer to go to any counseling whatsoever.

 

Faith based, marriage couseling, etc. Her choice.

 

No dice.

 

Just feeling a bit lost right now.

 

And scared of what is to come. Not to mention the fact that my son is getting of the age where he is cognizant of what the arguments are about.....what they are ALWAYS about.

 

And I worry that his opinion of women is being soured. If that makes any sense. I expressed that to her and she pretty much ignored it.

 

What I used to endure two or three days a month (jealousy) has now turned into five days a week every week.

 

It is choking the life out of me.

[DN]

I would not have offered to go to counseling because that implies that there is something to negotiate or that you may be wrong - you are not. She needs counseling of her own to get over her insecurities - it is not your job to buy into them.

[DWNWRDSPRL]

Oh, I have no doubt about being right about it or that there is anything to negotiate.

 

Its just that I have seen her "minimalize" it in past sessions. I would have to tell my side to get the issue "out there" so to speak.

 

Said she wanted to get STD testing because she just "knows" I have slept around.

 

More insulted I could not have been. I told her to go right ahead. Won't bother me in the least.

 

I know I have been 100 percent faithful for 17 years.

[DN]

Well, you must do what you think best. I would dump her in a heartbeat if she said that to me.

 

You can't prove a negative. There is no way you can prove you haven't cheated and if she just "knows" that you have there is nothing you can say or do (or any counsellor can say) that will convince her otherwise. She 'knows" you did and that is all the evidence she requires. I would not live that sort of life.

[DWNWRDSPRL]

My vows mean more to me than they do to most.

 

For better or worse. I uttered those words once.....and I meant them.

 

Besides, my son deserves to have both parents in one home. Aside from this one issue, she is perfection. Everything I ever wanted in a woman and mother to my son.

 

I can't just "dump" her.

 

Just the confirmation by third party, faceless/nameless sources that its okay to feel the way I am feeling, makes me feel a little better. That I am fighting the good fight.

 

I have to find a way to get "this" out of me though. I can't understand it and frankly, I am tiring of trying.

[DN]

Mine meant a lot to me which is partly why my marriage has lasted over thirty-five years. Another reason is that the vows she took meant a lot to her too. Your wife is not keeping hers and that is why this is not working.

[DWNWRDSPRL]

Funny you should mention that. I told her that too. That she was not holding up her end of the bargain of the "love, honor, and cherish" part.

 

She is blinded by the insecurity. She can't see past it.

 

It has overwhelmed her.

 

And the thing that confuses me most is that she is gorgeous. Turns heads everywhere we go. Not one thing to be insecure about.

[FathomFear]

Yeah, unfortunately it's not uncommon for trashy magazines like Cosmo to list "weight loss/attention to fitness" as a "sign" that a guy is looking to cheat. This message seems to get thrown at people quite a bit, especially straight women.

[penelope13]

Although she is the one with the issue, yet I would still suggest counselling, or couples counseling in order to help her to get over the resistance. From your posts it seems that you care a lot about her, thus I think sometimes we need to do things that may not be fair if we want to achieve a resolution. Yes, it is her responsibility to deal with her issues, but maybe she would be more open to counseling if you tell her that you would really appreciate some outside help with gaining new perspectives towards finding solutions.

[DWNWRDSPRL]

Yeah, unfortunately it's not uncommon for trashy magazines like Cosmo to list "weight loss/attention to fitness" as a "sign" that a guy is looking to cheat. This message seems to get thrown at people quite a bit, especially straight women.

 

Yeah, I know.

 

Thankfully, she hasn't read those type of mags since she was in her late 20s. But still, I have heard her try to justify her actions by saying what a "red flag" it is.

 

I simply changed my diet. I didn't start working out, buying new clothes, wearing cologne....any of that stuff.

 

The shirt tucking is about all that I do different as far as dress is concerned.

 

I went from a snug 40 inch waist to a loose 36 in the jeans. I had to buy new jeans so I guess I did buy some new clothes, now that I think about it.

 

Basically, I am the same size I was when I was in college now. Went from 252 to 224. I am proud of that accomplishment.

 

But I don't tuck the shirt in now to lure wanton women into lustful bliss. I feel better about myself and since I am an older man, want to present a neater appearance when out.

 

I have to tuck my uniform shirt in anyway when at work.

[DWNWRDSPRL]

but maybe she would be more open to counseling if you tell her that you would really appreciate some outside help with gaining new perspectives towards finding solutions.

 

She flat out refuses. We have been in the past. I told her that I want to go for myself even if she is unwilling to go along for the ride.

 

It is one of the reasons I am here on this site. After years of holding it in, I have to get it out of me.

 

But if she won't go, I may go alone. I think that is my next step.

 

I may even go back to our last counselor who was female. I think I need a woman's perspective on this.

[penelope13]

If people are stubborn and unreasonable about something they will only consider changing their behavior if continuing the behavior leads to measurable consequences. It won't help you nor the family harmony, nor the relationship if you complain about her attitude yet in the end there is no real consequence for her to continue. I am not suggesting that you start playing mind games or any sort of emotional blackmail, but I think it would be reasonable for you to express your hurt about her attitude and to withdraw a bit from your interaction with her when it only concerns the relationship (obviously not the necessary communication that is needed for the well being of your child).

 

Don't do anything that would make her suspicious that you are trying to cheat (i.e. don't go out bar hopping every night), but instead of being around and available for her to complain and fight about this, do something else in a different room in the house. Let her know you are available to talk to her in a constructive manner, but if she is not willing to talk about this in a reasonable fashion you are unwilling to continue to have that conversation.

[FathomFear]

I don't know you or your wife at all, but I'd wager to guess that your wife likely has zero self-worth and absolutely no confidence in herself. The constant guilt-tripping and jealousy is just a reflection of that. She doesn't see why you would be with her and she's convinced herself that you must be cheating. That's the only explanation I can think of given that you've given her no real reason to think you've been unfaithful.

 

Frankly, I would be firm with her. This behavior is like a child who screams "Mommy and Daddy don't love me!" just to get affection from their parents. It's the proclamation of something bad ("You don't love me", "You are cheating on me") just to force the other party to constantly prove or say that it's not true. It's a childish tactic that she needs to overcome. If it comes down to it I would just stop trying to combat her accusations and call her bluff.