I want to show him that I can be a better girlfriend.

[curious987]

My ex bf broke up with me just over 6 weeks ago.

He used the reason 'It feels more like a friendship than relationship'. He also said he didn't think he loved me anymore. That he's feelings have changed. Etc.

 

Anyway I think he thought I wanted out of the relationship. Since the break up, I've done a lot of research on reasons why people fall out of love, etc.

 

So I've come to the conclusion that these are the areas I want to work on:

- I need to initiate more things with him.

- I need to show much more affection. Express my feelings physically so he KNOWS how I feel.

- I need to pay him more attention while we're in a group.

- I need to prioritize him.

- I need to be more positive about things in general.

- I need to not be so distant. Make him feel like he's needed and appreciated.

 

The are all things that I think I lacked....which lead to him losing feelings for me.

I just want him back.....and I want to change myself, and make the above changes for both myself and for him. I feel we are meant to be. I was just neglectful! I was so stupid : (

 

Do you think that because I have realised my faults, and am prepared to make changes, he might reconsider giving me another shot? He already tells me he misses me and thinks about it all the time, and that he will never have zero feelings for me, but it was the way I was acting that broke us!

 

Please give me your opinions. I am willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to prove to him that I love him and only want him. But....I am also a little fearful of rejection.

[nattpanter]

I totally understand how you feel, I`ve done big changes in my life that my ex don`t know about... and I know she would like it IF she wanted to be with me. But that`s just the tricky part...you couldn`t possibly be fantastic with someone if you are the only one to put effort into it. You can do only so much alone. Let him come to you and see the changes, on his initiative... if that doesn`t happen, you will belong to someone else in the future who will love the new reinveted you...

[lucasky]

I have broke up with people that have been neglectful, and my sentiments were not that I had "fallen out of love", but rather, that I still loved the person very much but they were causing me too much pain to remain together.

 

I have had exs tell me that we were more like brother/sister or more like friends than boyfriend/girlfriend and that they had fallen out of love - and this generally was true. I couldn't make them (as hard as I did try with one) fall back in love.

 

Realizing your faults is important, but sometimes even if you awknowledge your mistakes and work hard at changing them, it doesn't mean the other person will come back. You can prove you love a thousand times over, and it does not work.

 

That being said, you never know until you try, I suppose. So here are some suggestions. The right choice depends heavily on what type of guy you're dating, and you'll know that better than I ever will.

a)Be honest and direct and tell him that you've realized you made mistakes x,y,z and that you are willing to change things.

b)Prove you've changed through actions. Don't tell him you've changed - when you see him around, SHOW that you've changed.

c)Be friends first, see if the connection is still there. If it is, slowly -sllowwwllyyy- ease into the relationship. This time, do it right.

 

One important thing to remember: generally, you don't just quit on a person if you feel that a few changes would fix things. You work on them with your SO if you really value the relationship. My inclination is that your ex left you for good. You won't be able to change yourself enough to win him back, because he's just done. You never know though I suppose.

[sidehop]

It's great you know what may have been lacking in the relationship; but you also don't want to change for him or anyone else for that matter. Every relationship and the needs will differ.

 

Whether he comes back to you or not, you do have to take care of yourself first. If you're not happy with who you are, you're not going to make others happy genuinely. That's just a fact. You can put on all sorts of act and maybe think you're doing the right things but you could be doing it the wrong way.

 

You mentioned you need to be more positive as well as fear of being rejected. There could be number of things that can explain the reasons behind this but to me it sounds like you need to put yourself first. Do what makes you happy and love yourself for who you are. When you can offer others the same, things will start to fall in its place.

[curious987]

Yep! Good way of looking at it : ) Well that's the thing.......the issue was that HE was the only one putting effort into our relationship, so I would somehow need to convince him that things would be different, and I don't know if he'd wanna risk it : \

 

And I'm just worried that he will move on from me quickly....and that he will find someone better. I know this is out of my control, but I genuinly could picture us staying together for a long time! And he could as well! We often fantasized about the future together, and we both had the same wants and values in life. We had the same sense of humour. But I just became lazy with putting in effort. And I regret it big time. I am SURE he thought I wanted out, and thought I'd be happier without him. I'm a very independent person....but he's one of the few people that I can't imagine life without I don't even wanna meet anyone new. I know that I won't find ANYONE better suited. And I honestly can't picture him with anyone else either.

[curious987]

I have broke up with people that have been neglectful, and my sentiments were not that I had "fallen out of love", but rather, that I still loved the person very much but they were causing me too much pain to remain together.

 

I think this is EXACTLY what he felt. But he is not good with communicating. He did not know how to approach me about his frustrations. And I can tell you that he has hardly been exposed to 'dealing' with conflicts. His mother walked out on his famil a couple years back. He said they never argued. He saw this as a 'perfect' relationship, and then she suddenly left.

 

I think this is the issue. He does not know how to argue about things, how to communicate and work things out. He has never been exposed to this. All he has seen is his mother walk away without trying to resolve anything.

He is insecure, and has ALWAYS had this thought that I'd leave him for someone else, someone better (which this could have also come from his mother leaving him).

 

And when he thought that I was losing interest in him........he thought that it was better him let me go than to wait for things to get worse, like he's seen happen in his family.

 

I know I'm using his parents as an excuse...........but I think it's true.

[lucasky]

Oh gosh. Okay well regarding the whole... He thought it was better to break up then see things get worse (ie. fear of losing interest), I've been there too. Actually... my current ex? I kind of broke up with him for a reason similar to that - I'm so paranoid about getting left for someone else or something better (due to past relationships) that I got scared and just dumped him out of no where. That being said - I tried to take it back immediately when I realized how irrational and unfair I was being. He, however, was hurt and tired of my distrusting him, so he moved on.

 

Maybe you should give him a little bit more time to reflect on his OWN problems. You've identified yours. He should work on his own too if the two of you will ever work out. Lets say my ex had taken me back after I broke up with him - I doubt I would have realized or seriously admitted to my own problems in relationships. I would have just kept being crazy. Now that we're broken up... well I have to face my demons - on my own. He should face his too, before dating again.

[DN]

I think you should contact him and ask to talk - if he agrees you can go through the list and ask him if he would like to try again. However, it shouldn't be all one-sided, there may be some things he could work on too.

[curious987]

Yeah.....I'm just worried he will reject me and won't even want to try : ( I don't want to annoy him. But I just can't get him out of my mind....no matter what.

[DN]

Of course there is a chance of rejection but what is the alternative - wait to see if he calls you? The chances of that may be minimal if he thinks the same thing will happen again - you need to convince him they won't and that means you have to risk the rejection.

[lucasky]

If you think he'd be annoyed right now, perhaps give it a few weeks. Time heals wounds, and we become less annoyed by people when we're given space.

 

I think DN's advice regarding contacting him is good advice, and I plan on taking it up for myself at some point.

 

I'd like to tell my ex about positive changes I'm making, and see if we could reconcile, but he heals slowly. I know he will need space for some time. Until then, I'm trying my best to heal... maybe even get over him. I figure the more I accept the break up and move on, the better of a head space I will be in when I finally do contact him. I'm giving it at least two months. Its hard.

 

The fear of rejection will always be there, Curious, and at some point you will need to overcome it if you ever do want to reconcile. If he rejects you, its not a totally bad thing either, even if it hurts, you will move on and find happiness again. That's the worst-case scenario - you moving on and healing. Best case? You get your love back. I'd say its worth the risk. The thing is to know when to take that chance. If he needs space/time - give it to him.

[curious987]

Yep. Well.....how long has it been since you guys broke up lucasky? Yeah I really want him back. I'd do anything to make him happy. But how would I word it? I'd probably text him....should I just say something like "I miss you". And see what comes from that?

[curious987]

And also......I blocked him on facebook about 2 weeks ago. But I unblocked him the other day. Should I re-add him as a friend? Or....because we usually talk over facebook chat just casually. That could be a way to go about it?

[lucasky]

Breakup timeline:

-Broke up a month ago.

-We were backpacking together, so we stuck together for a week. Therefore, I have not seen him for 3 weeks.

-Was NC 2 weeks after break up. Started talking again.

-Currently at 2 days NC (he ended communication).

 

His travels will continue for 2 more months, so I figure 2mos NC will give him time to figure himself out (somewhat) and hopefully I'll just get over him. I'm over it more and more each day. Like I said, I'll still try to talk to him when he gets back.

 

Don't say "I miss you". That could mean anything and sounds weak. You're stronger and more direct now, right? My suggestion would be to either:

A) Ask to meet up to talk - and tell him how you feel/how you've changed.

B) Ask him if he'd like to hang out. Keep things casual. Continue doing this for a bit to see if the bad feelings are gone. Eventually bring up how you've changed and would like another shot.

 

Re: unblocking and refriending.

Don't bother. Again, that looks weak or desperate. You're neither of those (or you shouldn't be if you want to reconcile). You want to be level-headed and matured. What does a mature person do when they want to reconcile? They phone the person. No playing games. Game playing = fail. Be yourself. If you hate phone calls, a text or an email would do, I think, but it depends on your ex.

[DN]

What is the purpose in waiting to talk to him? I can see no point when what you need to do is to convince him to try again - all that waiting is going to do is firm up his decision to leave and allow him to start moving on. By the time you contact him it may be too late. He has already said he misses you - don't let him get to the point where he doesn't.

[curious987]

You're right! I've been so concerned about trying to stay out of his vision in hope that he will miss me more and come back.......when in reality, he left me because he thought I lose interest in him (well I think anyway), so me breaking away from him even more is going to confirm his decision that I don't care! I need to put myself in his vision, remind him that I'm still here, and more importantly, I'm here for HIM!

[ur02111222]

Don't make it so complicated. If you miss him and you really want him back, call him and ask him to meet you somewhere so you can talk. Then talk and say what's on your mind. The worst thing that could happen is that he says no. Just tell him you want to get back together, but it's not really your decision to make, and does he want to give it another shot? If he says no, then let him go. If he doesn't know or says yes, then work on your relationship and start again.

 

I was in a similar situation recently. I felt really ignored and unappreciated by my boyfriend. After talking to him about these issues and seeing no changes after a month, I ended the relationship. About two months later he came back to me asking to get back together and he told me what he would do to make things better. So we got back together and it's only been a month, but so far so good. I feel much closer to him than I ever did before.

[curious987]

He didn't even talk to me about the issues. He let them build up and then broke up with me out of the blue! He said that he's feelings had changed.....but I think he really meant he thought 'mine' had changed.

 

His mum came into my work and told me he still loves me....but the big issue was my lack of affection. I don't think he was too happy that she started talking with me about it haha. But I believe her. I already felt that that was the reason. I find it very difficult, just from the way he is with me, that he doesn't love me.

 

I REALLY want him back......but I don't think he knows this. I'm just afraid of him saying no. Seriously, I don't know if I could handle it. I think I'd need to somehow get a hint from him that he is at least a LITTLE open to the idea, before I go running to him asking for another chance. Ahh, I'm just scared : (

[mhowe]

He didn't break up out of the blue --- you freely admit you acted as though you really didn't care and put no effort into the relationship. Did he need to point out to you that your emotionally lazy? He doesn't owe you a hint --- you're the one that hasn't shown any affection.

[penelope13]

Living means taking risks. There are no guarantees. You can't go into reconciliation with the expectation of knowing what the outcome is. You do not want your actions to be driven by fear.

 

It's normal to be afraid of rejection, but that shouldn't determine who you are and what you do. I agree with DN that given the circumstances of the break up you should try to talk to your ex as soon as possible if you want another shot.

 

However make sure first that that wish is really your innermost desire, and not out of fear of being alone.

 

In case you truly want to reconcile make yourself aware that even though you are broken up, you are still around and alive. The world didn't end only because the relationship ended. Thus you already know that you are able to handle the break up, thus there is no reason to panic about a possible rejection if he doesn't want to give you another chance.

[Confused123123]

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[Confused123123]

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[Ms Darcy]

I think you are in the bargaining stage of grief. Unfortunately you are left trying to figure out what happened and how to fix it when there may be no fix. I often think when someone says we feel like friends it means that they lost attraction ... Which may be connected to feeling needed but also may be connected to decreased physical and emotional attraction.

 

I say either take the risk of talking to him knowing he will probably reject or move on.

[curious987]

Well....I know he's still physically attracted to me haha. He's made comments, SINCE we've been broken up, about how good I look. The issue was I was not physically sharing myself with him, so he missed out on that important part of the relationship. I feel that that the FIRST thing we would change if we got back together, and I think he'd agree. He probably pulled away from me emotionally due to the fact that I never let him have me physically. Both go hand in hand in my opinion.

 

Well I did end up re-adding him, and unblocking on facebook haha. And he started conversation with me tonight! He asked me what made me change my mind (about unblocking him)....and I didn't really give him an answer. I could have said a bazillion things. But I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable. But we had a good chat. Nothing about the relationship was brought up. Just friendly, asking eachother how we are. Probably the best chat we have had in a while. And the fact that he accepted my friend request instantly, and initiated conversation with me as soon as he got online is a good sign, right?

 

I'm sorta curious about why he thought I re-added him, and what he expected or wanted me to say. Hmm.....I can't wait till we see eachother again. I'm not going to be pushy. It's probably going to be at a mutual friends party or something, and if we a moment alone, and it's the right time to say it, I'm going to give him a hug, tell him I'm sorry, I realise where I went wrong in the relationship, I still love him, and that I hope that one day he will be willing to give us another shot, because I think we can make it work. I think he's the type of guy to need reassurance.

 

Does this sound like a good plan?

[DN]

I think it is mostly OK except for two things:

 

- you should have answered his question about why you added him.

- you should not wait to talk to him at a party but should ask to talk soon and privately.