deployed and confused

[deployed]

I dont really know where to start here but ive been with my gf for 3 years. Weve had our ups and downs and a year prior I had messed around and we worked through it. fast forward to dec of this past year I deployed for 6 months. things were going great until after valentines day it all fell apart. Theres been no guys so please dont go down that road but she stated at one point she cant handle being alone and needed to be on her own for awhile since shes always been in a relationship. We went from talking all day everyday to pretty much nothing overnight bc when shes mad she shuts down. so we slowly got back to talking and bc im used to talking everyday I pissed her off again.

"I've constanly followed and done whatever the person I was with wanted and I've never just been me and on my own. I feel that it's important I be on my own and really do things for myself. I gave so much of me to you and after all the lies and you being unfaithful it's just messed with my head big time. I'm not saying I haven't messed up, I'm just telling you how I feel. I am not opposed to talking but I don't know what else can really be said. I told you how I feel but I don't think you really understand and it's frustrating, you just see it as me leaving you while your gone, but your not me so I guess you don't really need to get it all. Maybe over time we could get back to a good place, but I don't want you to take that as us getting back together because I just don't know if that will happen. It does hurt trust me but I know what I want and need and I need to be happy in order to make anyone else happy."

 

that was a portion of things said between us.

 

im do to rotate home soon and shes still in our house and still splitting the bills so her actions dont match her words so should I just let her go or keep hope that things can be worked out.

very confused

[lostandhurt]

It doesn't matter if there is another guy hanging around or not as it is her choice just like it was your choice to cheat on her before. The fact that you are away has given her a chance to look back at the relationship and she has decided she isn't happy. Her unhappiness is the key here. It sounds like she has always been with someone and never found out who she is or what she is capable of.

 

You can't control any of this even if you were home since it is her choice. What you can control is your actions and thoughts. It would be good if you used the time you have to work on yourself mentally and physically. You need to figure out why you thought it was okay to cheat on the woman you love and how the selfishness of your betrayal has affected others in your life. It is clear from her words that she is dealing with being cheated on so your best bet is to work on your side of all this so when she is ready to talk you will have something to say besides "I am sorry" and "I won't ever do that again"

 

She is breaking up with you and only she knows the true reasons. Give her some time, get yourself right and after some time if she hasn't contacted you maybe you can send her a nice note asking how she is but don't ask about the two of you or the relationship.

 

Be safe

Lost

[deployed]

thanks and i am working on me. Just dont know how to handle the fact that this was all done via text and email and im going home soon and still have to go through it again it seems.

[lostandhurt]

It might be better getting the news like you did so you had time to think about it and calm down before you see her again. Make a plan on what you are going to do and send it to her and ask her for input on how it should be handled.

The house, the bills, living arrangements all need to be worked out. If you have a plan you won't be just winging it with all the emotions you have inside messing you up.

 

Accepting that you are broken up is not easy but in time you will find peace.

 

Lost

[deployed]

Yea unfortunately I have tried that and I dont get a response other than im busy ill talk to you later about it, so face to face is my only option when I get home.

[lostandhurt]

No need to talk about it if she won't. Set your plan and then do it when you get home. If she won't discuss it then do what is best for you and you only. She will find her own way. She may struggle some but this is what she wants so let her have it. If you are sending money home I would suggest you stop and build a nest egg so you can have something to rely on when you get there.

 

It is best to consider this over and and plan as such. Hope is tough to beat down but prepare yourself to deal with a very cold person when you get back. Remember she has been feeling this way for some time and you just found out so she is way ahead of you on all this.

 

Lost

[seashellsk]

I also deployed for 6 months to Afghanistan (May-Dec 10) and left behind a BF of 5 years that i had been living with for 6 months. It was ok for the first few months and he even sent a few care packages. I realize that i was under the most stress a person could handle and not lose it. I know i was scared, stressed and using him to cry, vent and be my rock. We talked every night on Skype and i came to depend on him for my mental health. I get that i was a downer for about the first 2 months (being yelled at and having mortars landing 200 feet from me), but i was starting to get over it. So after about 2.5 months the "change" in him hit. He stopped trying to comfort me or even tell me when he wasn't going to bother to meet me on Skype. When i confronted him, he told me i was too needy and he felt i LEFT him! Fast forward with a lot of BS in between. So about a month left in my deployment we began talking about what the deal was going to be when i got back. We decided to try to make it work. I got home and he was great for 3 whole freaking days. Then day 3 night, he decided to just NOT come home. Told me that i made him do it because i made him watch what i wanted, go to the gym and do my work out, and he didn’t get a second away. WOW OMFG really! So, here i am 15 days back from HELL and i get kicked out of my house. I found out he had developed a "friendship" with a married co-worker and was texting her up to 20 times a day WHILE i was sitting next to him. He lied about it and then told me I made him lie because i overreact. I ended up sleeping in the unheated basement because he would come home drunk and scream at me to GET OUT. I found an apartment 30 days after getting home and took every damn thing I ever bought out of his house to include our cat.

 

Now my advice to you, she has learned to finally live without a man. She doesn’t have to answer to you anymore and expect emotional support from you. Trust me, she is at least talking to someone else for it. Humans need to feel connected and with you she had a man that had not been the greatest BF (your words). She stayed with you because she couldn’t handle being alone, but you left her. Now she doesn’t need you for anything but money to pay the bills (happened to me). Do not keep your head in the sand like I did and PLAN for a life without her. Look for an apt NOW, even if it is just finding out what will be open right after you get back. My situation got VERY ugly and I was STUCK. Remember, the first few weeks back aren’t called a honeymoon period for nothing….the hard part comes after no one cares your back. In my situation, I have been seeing the A-hole on and off, BUT now I have my own place and I will never allow him to take that away. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best!

[deployed]

Yes I was not the best bf a year or two ago but after we moved it all got better and she thought she forgave me but me being gone brought it all back out. She kept wondering who i was talking to or who i was with in the middle of a war zone of all places. Fortunately the place is in my name so I dont have to worry about a place to live when i get home. She did replace me with a new female friend who is from the same area back home shes from so they connected right away. so i went from being the person she talked to all day everyday to being replaced overnight by this girl. either way I have hope but its slim to none based on what she has said. I would just feel better about it if she could tell me to my face what she really wants and move on from there.

thank you Sea

[seashellsk]

For the last month of my deployment i felt he was only saying stuff so that i kept sending him money. I am a very smart sexy funny woman (AF) and i was embedded with the 101st. I was not ever a desert queen, but already pretty. I had so many men wished i would be theirs. I stayed faithful the whole time and in the end that was called into question by A-hole. As a female, i can see what your GF is setting up. She will leave after you get back and move into an apt with her female friend. Staying at your place right now must be better digs than what she will have to go to on her own. Make sure you let her know that if she is not committed in making your relationship work when you get home that you will not be comfortable living in the same house. That no matter what, the other female goes before you get home. Good luck that she doesn't clean you out (your belongings) before you get back. Damn mean people S*CK and there is a special place for those who do it to military folk fighting for their freedom to do it!

[deployed]

thanks for the advice but not worried about being cleaned out as she has said she wants to be on her own. I just wanted her to tell me face to face and collect what she owes me if possible without it getting ugly. I havent accepted all this but i can be gracious and let her go. mean people do suck but these things happen just wish it didnt happen to me.