Serious thread on how to find people to date

[fitforlife]

I am at a point in my life where I would like to make an actual effort to date. First I want to say I do not care about getting rejected, I don't really care what people think of me either, so I am doing this head on full of confidence.

 

First I would like to say I am a 24 year old male. I believe I am good looking, I workout everyday, and feel pretty good about my life and what I have to offer. I have dated a few girls, and with the exception of one, all have been no-go's. My issue is not so much with talking to girls or asking them out, but it's finding girls who are single and available to date! The last few girls I dated came about from work, through a friend, and a bar. None worked out, and the fields above look bleak right now (and bars are no longer really an option for me).

 

So I would like to make a serious effort to meeting someone, without being desperate of course. I know most will say "wait for love to find you", but if we all wait and no one makes a move, how will it ever happen?

 

So, here are a few things I am going to be doing for sure. Please provide more suggestions if you have any:

 

1.) Church. I want to go for myself, but of course, the possibility exists to meet someone else as well. Plus, that would be great meeting someone of the same religious views.

 

2.) Online dating - again, why not? I know there's always going to be a mixed crowd in this area, but hey - if it provides opportunity to meet someone, then so be it!

 

3.) Join link removed and find events in my area (things that interest me, of course!)

 

4.) Cold approaching. This one gives me a little "eerie" feeling. Just randomly walking up to any girl I see, giving short eye contact, smiling, and saying "Hey, how are you doing?" and going from there. I'm wondering if this is a safe approach or not. Hope someone can fill me in before I start trying this.

 

Here are a few things I am not going to be doing:

 

1.) Bar/club scene - been there, done that. Does not suit who I am or what I am looking for.

 

2.) Getting involved with girls not looking for a long term relationship. I do not want one night stands or anything like that.

 

3.) Once a month relationship type deals. Last girl I dated was only willing to go out on a date once a month. I felt like I was nothing better than a once a month boyfriend, a boredom partner and such. I developed feelings for her and seeing her once a month was really hard. In the end we just stopped talking so it was for the better.

 

I hope you can not only help me, but someone else that is happy with themselves but just wishes they had a way to find someone to meet.

[lucasky]

I'd just ask girls out randomly if I were you. I mean, I'm not sure how it works for guys... but I'm a girl, and when I see a hot dude, I scope him out for a couple days (ie. if I always see him in the same place/area) and eventually I just ask him out. This works really well! Worst case scenario: he's taken, and I've just given his ego a little stroke. I move on easily. Winning situation no matter what.

 

I'm still struggling over an ex, so I'm not really at my prime for doing this sort of thing, but generally it goes like this:

-Guy A works at this bike shop I visit now and then. I joke around with him each time. Finally I just say "hey I really wanted to do X sometime this week, and I was wondering if you would like to join me?".

 

I tried something like this while traveling, went up to a guy at an internet cafe and said "I'm not sure when you're off work today, but if you are in time to go see X, would you like to come along? I'm traveling by myself, and would rather see the sights with someone."

 

Next thing I know he's chasing me down the street with his contact info!

[elcie]

Have you thought about joining mixed sporting teams eg. basketball, soccer etc. You obviously enjoy keeping fit and seem very goal oriented. You would have a good chance of meeting a girl similar to you doing that sort of activity.

[ClarenceRutherford]

1.) Church. I want to go for myself, but of course, the possibility exists to meet someone else as well. Plus, that would be great meeting someone of the same religious views.

 

2.) Online dating - again, why not? I know there's always going to be a mixed crowd in this area, but hey - if it provides opportunity to meet someone, then so be it!

 

3.) Join link removed and find events in my area (things that interest me, of course!)

Those sound good.

 

Here are a few things I am not going to be doing:

That's also good.

I hope you can not only help me, but someone else that is happy with themselves but just wishes they had a way to find someone to meet.

Lots of guys/gals need this help too.

It is good to be happy with yourself. Strong positive image always helps.

4.) Cold approaching. This one gives me a little "eerie" feeling. Just randomly walking up to any girl I see, giving short eye contact, smiling, and saying "Hey, how are you doing?" and going from there. I'm wondering if this is a safe approach or not. Hope someone can fill me in before I start trying this.

Good to try that, as I recommended in another thread, but be careful. Don't just coldly approach the first girl you see.

 

Get into some good conversation. Then, if it seems like you two click, work into the conversation how you'd like to do something, like go on a date or to a museum or some other activity, together.

If in the conversation she says she likes such and such hobby/activity, say you know about this event coming up and naturally work such an invitation into the conversation. So it sounds more natural.

 

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I only did a couple of cold calls. But one successful one is all you really need, if it lands you a long-term relationship.

 

Once you're in that relationship, if that one doesn't go so well, dating that woman will help bec. you'll be meeting other mutual friends and have a bigger pool of women to draw upon.

You'll know more people and more women will know you in the groups/activities you two were involved in.

[fitforlife]

So let's say I'm at a grocery store or something and I see a cute girl that's picking out apples or something. What would be the best way to approach her?

 

Not sure how to distinguish the difference between being friendly and being a creep.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Fit,

You've gotten some good advice here. The bike store idea wasn't something I had thought of.

Good "inside" info. from a woman's perspective.

So I would like to make a serious effort to meeting someone, without being desperate of course.

Serious effort is required in your late 20s.

I know most will say "wait for love to find you", but if we all wait and no one makes a move, how will it ever happen?

Yeah, you can't just expect it to happen and wake up one day and find a love. You have to put some effort into it, especially if you're out of college and don't have a lot of interaction with single women.

 

No one told me college would make for more opportunities. People are much more isolated living by themselves in their apts. after college. It's hard to get out.

 

Hence the reason I suggest getting involved with groups of people. You need that social "lifeline" anyway, just to keep you sane. Single, lonely people often become paranoid. Having friends outside of work is always good to keep you "balanced."

 

*****

 

Even if you don't meet a dating partner at a church or other singles group (statistically, you have a higher likelihood), you could become friends with some men and women there. In the course of activities like dinner after church, one of them may bring a sister or another female friend that may interest you and be agreeable to going out with you.

 

One woman I dated for a couple of months when I was 29, I met her at a restaurant that a group of us from work went to one night.

One of my female colleagues brought a friend.

Saw her at the other end of that table and began talking with her. Next thing you know, I asked her out the next weekend.

 

That relationship didn't work out and she dumped me. She let her political views get in the way of a relationship, IMHO. She started picking fights on political issues during our last date, and took positions she knew I didn't agree on. Didn't see it at the time, but later realized that was her way of immaturely ending the relationship.

 

But that's okay. I needed someone to date and it was good I mustered the courage to ask her out.

 

EDITED IN:

So don't be afraid to start talking with women you meet at events and activities. If things look to be going well, work an invitation naturally into the conversation.

 

Don't just ask her if she wants to go out with you.

 

Instead, say something like, "You like pizza. I know this great pizza place and would like you to join me..."

That makes it a little harder for her to say no vs. the first way of asking someone out.

 

A little courage is all it takes...

[fitforlife]

How would you suggest a good way to cold approaching though? Like, if I'm out and about, and I just see ANY random girl I think looks cute - how could I approach her? Do I just go up out of the blue and say "Hey how you doing?" and go from there? Or is there a way to ease in (and if so, how)?

[ClarenceRutherford]

How would you suggest a good way to cold approaching though? Like, if I'm out and about, and I just see ANY random girl I think looks cute - how could I approach her? Do I just go up out of the blue and say "Hey how you doing?" and go from there? Or is there a way to ease in (and if so, how)?

Think it depends where you are.

At the mall or in a store, out of the cold blue, not sure that would be such a great idea. May seem too sudden for some women.

 

Maybe at an event, a party like a business reception or other activity, or in some other venue.

 

That older woman I cold-called at 27-28 (posted earlier in another thread), it was my first semester attending grad. school. During a summer night class, saw her sitting in the chairs in the hallway.

Sat myself next to her and started talking with her.

What classes was she taking?

What field of study? etc.

 

Then asked if she'd like to join me for dinner that coming weekend. So got her phone number and went from there.

That relationship lasted 1-1.5 years before she met some other guy and got engaged to him within a couple of weeks.

 

I was unemployed and she allowed me to stay at her home and watch her pet while she went on a ski trip, where she met Mr. Right.

 

That relationship was slowly ending though, which I sensed, and even tried to go out again with another woman I knew from childhood. Wanted to see if I had a chance with that other woman, who was my age vs. the older woman who was 5 years older than me.

Had dated the other woman one time before I met the older woman... That was one lousy date. She clammed up during the date/drive and said absolutely nothing to me.

Visited the other woman's home and went to lunch or something, but it was clear there was no interest on her part.

 

Years later, ran into that woman and asked her why she acted that way. I apologized to her and said I wasn't very good at dating, so I hope she didn't hold that date against me... She said she sensed I wasn't her type and knew it wouldn't work, so chose to say nothing the rest of the evening.

 

Was dissappointed in the ending of the LTR I had with the older woman (who now has gray hair, from her facebook page. No, she's not a FB friend), but not devastated like a prev. 6 month NEAR-fiance relationship which ended outside of my control when I was 26....

 

At grad school, also attended the campus church group (Lutheran) where there were single and married people but really didn't meet anyone I was interested in.

 

The cold call (and I didn't make many of them) came about at 27-28 when I decided I needed to be more aggressive in meeting and asking women out.

[fitforlife]

Thanks for all the great advice in this thread!

 

So, here's my gameplan to get myself out there. These are, what I believe, legitimate ways to meet someone. However, it's just not just to meet someone, but for myself as well. In other words, living a bit more of a social life that doesn't involve alcohol, bars, or clubs. Doing something that's good for me, and others as well.

 

1.) Church (and everything that's included with that - social events, singles groups, etc.)

2.) link removed

3.) Online dating

4.) Volunteer opportunities in my area (I just joined a relatively large volunteer group in my area that will have me getting involved with things)

 

Outside of that, I have everyday encounters such as grocery shopping and malls, but I'm 24 years old and never in 24 years have I ever met anyone at a grocery store or mall...or even struck up a conversation there. So while those options are "out in the field", I won't rely on them or use them as a basis for meeting someone.

[Glowguy]

I've pretty much tried your equivalent of 1 through 3, but it's not working very well for me yet. Sometimes I think that the cold approach is really the only way to go, but I have so much social anxiety that I find it almost impossible. I know the consequences aren't bad at all and it doesn't make any sense to be put off, but it's almost like I'm paralyzed. I've at least gotten to the point where I have very little anxiety chatting women up at meetup events, however Meetup groups are difficult unless you can find some with a lot of female participants that show up regularly. That way you get to know them through repeated conversation and can build to flirting. Unfortunately, the attendance at a lot of those is sparse and the few women I've been mildly interested in I never saw again. I think joining a regular co-ed sports league or volunteer group sounds like a good bet.

[notvgoodngames]

4.) Volunteer opportunities in my area (I just joined a relatively large volunteer group in my area that will have me getting involved with things)

 

I just did the same, so excited about the opportunities to meet new people, good job buddy

 

umm, i tried the cold approach last night, well, kind of...walked to a group of 2 girls in a bar, asked them if they mind if i join them for a drink (I was by myself), they politely said they were talking about some family issue, I smiled, said have a good day and walked away....I actually didn't feel bad or rejected...I think i'll try this again and will let u know how it works. I did hesitate twice before walking to them, they might have spotted that, this is one thing i really need to work on!

[ClarenceRutherford]

I've pretty much tried your equivalent of 1 through 3, but it's not working very well for me yet. Sometimes I think that the cold approach is really the only way to go, but I have so much social anxiety that I find it almost impossible.

Met the first real love of my life at 26 through a church singles group.

Realized at 25-26 I needed to get out of the apt. and meet more people as that was hard to do with my Mon. and Tues. "weekend" days off.

 

Met her at this Methodist church, which had a singles group meeting in the a.m. before services. Was Protestant but not necessarily Methodist, but that was one of the largest churches in the city and hoped would have a singles group.

I searched through the phone book in 198-8 for churches that had separate groups for singles in that medium-small-sized Texas town of 100,000 I lived in at the time.

 

 

A danger of meeting women in such groups is if the relationship ends on a disappointing note, you may not want to go back to the group as it hurts to see the other person again.

Yes, this NEAR-fiance dumped me after 6 mos.

And like a dummy, I returned a couple of times until I couldn't take the hurt I got from seeing her again and seeing her look at me and then moving her eyes elsewhere.

 

Another guy there dated one of the leaders and felt the same way about moving away from the group.

 

So moved on and by then, was going to other singles groups, knew more people and began dating other women, some I had met through that first group, so despite the heartache, going to that group helped open my horizons.

[Glowguy]

Yeah, I can see church being a good way to meet women since you get the opportunity to talk to them on a regular basis. That is what I was trying for with the meetup stuff. Unfortunately I do not attend church so that's out. Maybe a class of some type might work.

 

Props to you notvgoodngames on your approach. I've done it a few times lately for practice with pretty decent results (not with the goal of asking them out) but I still felt like a fish out of water. Usually I talk myself out of it. I'm not a fast mover when it comes to the ladies and I'm not comfortable flirting until I have at least some familiarity with them.

[notvgoodngames]

yeah i think the real problem with this approach is to get rid of anxiety, i walked towards them several times and talked myself into walking away before i finally actually did it...

next time, once i chicken out, i'll go look for someone else, i'm pretty sure girls can sense anxiety

[ClarenceRutherford]

This is a good thread, Fit.

Hope things are going well for you.

 

Maybe some other ENA male posters needing dating tips can chime in.