Why do People Fall Out of Love?

[LN1987]

Ah I know I have been stuck here for some time now but I really am stuck. I have been in four serious relationships and my ex was someone I really saw a future with. He ticked the boxes so to speak. We are both relatively attractive, both pretty fit, both at uni and somewhat intelligent, both have lovely families and are social people. (Oh and the sex was great too)

 

I kind of set him up as a long term thing as we fell madly in love and I really liked being with someone who matched me in so many ways. Now my question is, how do people fall out of love when they are matched so well. We fought a bit (especially toward the end), but there were many things that just seemed to make us so good together, I don't quite/can't accept how/why/when he fell out of love with me.

 

I have always fallen out of love because the person did not measure up to what I want in a partner, I am a bit stunned that my ex decided I was not up to his standards, or what ever his reason to fall out of love with me was?

[DylanNotorious]

People change. And that's all it is really. People just simply change as time goes by......

[LN1987]

Of course they change, everyone changes... No one stays the same, but what does that have to do with love? I am someone who I imagine he would want in his future, I have a degree, completing my law degree now, I am not sure why I am not good relationship material, or why he would simply pull away/fall out of love...

[dramallama]

Someone can be good for you on paper, and you are convinced they are the one for you, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they feel the same. Emotions are not logical, so by definition, cannot be reasoned with or explained. Only your ex knows why he broke up with you, and even though he probably can't put it into words, he just did what he felt was right for him. He did you a favour by letting you go, if that was the case. Even if he did tell you why he fell out of love, the reasons wouldn't make you feel any better.

 

I thought that my ex and I were really suited to one another too, but I suppose he didn't feel that I clicked with him as much as I thought so. Even though I was, and still am a bit, disappointed by the outcome, I still respect his decision and that he knows his own feelings better than mine, even if it doesn't make sense to me. People also do change and grow so their needs and wants change, or they realise that time is ticking and you aren't the person that they want to settle down with, so it's make or break time, and that when commitment finally becomes a reality, instead of a possibility in the future, they can't go through with it or put you through it.

[dramallama]

Of course they change, everyone changes... No one stays the same, but what does that have to do with love? I am someone who I imagine he would want in his future, I have a degree, completing my law degree now, I am not sure why I am not good relationship material, or why he would simply pull away/fall out of love...

Because when people change, it makes their dreams for the future and their outlook on life change, which makes their needs and wants change. Perhaps he was feeling stifled. Perhaps he met a girl that was serving him coffee and it sparked a feeling in him that that perhaps there was another girl who could match him better.

 

LN, you're probably never going to get the answers that you seek. So instead of wanting answers, from either him or us, work on accepting that it just "is". In time you will realise that you didn't need answers to move on and you will accept that.

 

You are good relationship material, but just not for HIM, as it seems.

[askltk]

Every situation / relationship is different. We're all going through break ups - im guessing that's why were here, but the reasoning vary.

 

From my experience, it is that people change. The honeymoon period is amazing, but once the dust settles and you start to get to really know someone - your opinion might change. I openly admit now that I changed myself for my ex (a def no-no), whereby I put here at the centre of my world, where her happiness was all i cared about. I lost alot of self respect, dignity and self-worth that way. That intern put undue pressure on the relationship.

 

Like you, I couldn't quite get at the time why she'd fallen out of love with me - I too have a great job / career, a degree, strong family and friends, as well as being financially secure. Yet, all of these things become irrelevant when it comes to love. It's a cliché, but these sort of things don't play a role in falling in love - it's about who you are (or aren't in the case).

[askltk]

*In reply to Llama*

 

Agree - I wouldn't have bothered replying had I seen this before I started typing! Ha

[LN1987]

Thanks for the responses. I suppose it is just hard when so many other people seem to like my character and think of me as a warm loving nice person who has other great qualities. I just don't get how people are constantly like "his loss" "you have guys hanging off you" oh great... I just want the one that isn't?

[Silverbirch]

I think I know where you might be coming from LN. I'm coming around to the possibility that maybe I LOVE differently to a lot of people - at least the men I have been with. Thing is though that my LOVE wasn't based on him being attractive or a "good catch". My mum tells me now she was always worried about me being with him because he has a lot of health issues, and mum worried I would end up being his nurse. I told her the truth "I didn't care about that, and I would have taken care of him. It wouldn't have been a problem or anything I would have left him over."

 

I guess the other side to your question is "Why do people love?" I loved him and still do and I don't know why. It's got nothing to do with ticking boxes or anything. He wasn't what most people stereotype as attractive. Yes, he had a degree, but was failing in his career as he saw it. He didn't have money. In fact, he has a lot of debts, and as I said, lots of health issues.

 

I don't know for sure whether it is about people changing. Maybe that is true some of the time. I suspect that people experience love in their own subjective ways, and maybe that is what is different. I think a lot of people confuse the hot passion in the early part of the relationship with love, and if that fizzles, even temporarily, they "fall out of love." For others, love can be more enduring.

[askltk]

Thanks for the responses. I suppose it is just hard when so many other people seem to like my character and think of me as a warm loving nice person who has other great qualities. I just don't get how people are constantly like "his loss" "you have guys hanging off you" oh great... I just want the one that isn't?

 

Isn't it funny how we always want the ones we can't have?! Or you don't know what you've for till its gone.

 

I sound very similar to you, in the sense that everyone I speak to have all said that I'm the catch out of that relationship - and that she won't find anyone like me. I have all the similar qualities (so I'm told) as you, and would be ideal for lots of women. Yet, the one I wanted (past tense) to be with saw these traits as a negative.

[sidehop]

Lack of appreciation and so much more IMO. Nowadays it seems as though some people look for this perfect to complete package deal in one shot when meeting someone new. What hasn't changed in human relationships and interaction is that they ALL take time to grow into something better. But when that high expectation fails months or years down the road, people simply quit trying to forget what it was like.

[Confused123123]

Well.....I think they fall out of love because they have hidden frustrations. You aren't giving them something that they want. 6 weeks ago my ex bf broke up with me and said he 'didn't love me anymore'. And I just didn't get it. He was always mad about me. People tell me now that it always seemed as though he was more in love with me than I was with him...and in reality, I think thats why he broke up. He felt like he wasn't getting enough love from me. If you always give yourself to the person who love, and make them a priority, I don't see how things would change : s

 

For us, it was our lack of closeness. I pulled away from him physically, which made him see me as more of a best friend. Sadly, I think this was normal for the amount of time we'd been together, but he's immature. He obviously needed more passion and physicality, to continue having those feelings, which I wasn't giving him.

 

So yeah........I think people fall out of love because what they were once getting from that person, they are no longer getting, for one reason or another. And unfortunately, unless they speak up, this frustration will build up inside them until they lose feelings for you.

[Confused123123]

And yes sidehop! Lack of appreciation for sure is one of the MAJOR issues! They can still find you smart, funny, attractive and all of that, but if they feel you aren't pulling your weight in terms of giving them attention, they will not want to allow themselves to love someone who does not show them love!

[lucasky]

LN1987,

 

I think many of the posts here speak the truth - sometimes someone just ticks off all the boxes but they just aren't feeling it anyways. Like Dramallama said, the dumper may not even be able to explain why they did not want to date you specifically, its just that they felt it wasn't working.

 

How does someone fall out of love when the relationship seemed so great? It's hard to say. With my most recent ex, I sometimes struggle to understand the breakup myself. In previous relationships of mine, where I've been dumped, the dumper has either a) left me for someone else b)cheated on me. So the reasons for the breakup were loud and clear. With the current ex, its a bit different... he was always wonderful to me, and we were genuinely happy.

 

We've been broken up for a month now, and with each day, I gain more clarity about the break up. I now know that we each have issues to work on before we should date ANYONE again. For a couple weeks I thought that meant that we could (in theory) get back together if we fixed our issues, but now - with more clarity! - I'm starting to see that although our issues caused the breakup, he will not be coming back. If he chose to end this relationship, I need to accept his decision, even if my own choice would have been different.

 

Its difficult, but you'll get there.

 

And I understand how you're not consoled by being told "his loss" or "there are plenty of other guys that like you", because I've got the same thing going on, and it actually annoys me more than cheers me up. But... I think when you're ready, this WILL be good news, because hey - you can start going on dates easily! I personally can't wait until I'm over this because then I can finally ask this incredibly hot guy from my climbing gym out. Or... get him to ask me out. (I'm trying to focus on the positives here!)

[LN1987]

Thanks guys. To those who said their partner wasnt getting what they wanted out of the relationship, I am not sure that is the situation I was in, perhaps the opposite, I felt I wasnt getting enough, so became quite tense. I guess I just i i wish we could have spoken about our issues (I am big on communication but never knew he had issues). It is hard to see the positives when the heart is caught up in the past I am sure we would all agree!

[iBroken]

Its the vicious cycle of love.......

[lucasky]

I felt I wasnt getting enough, so became quite tense. It is hard to see the positives when the heart is caught up in the past I am sure we would all agree!

 

The first sentence sounds like me with my ex! We were great in so many ways, but I always felt slightly... taken for granted.

 

And yeah, when the past was so good, its hard to look forward. Good news though: new memories are on their way! Even if some are bad (ie. he hasn't said he wants me back yet), hey - at least its proof that its over and I need to move on.

[LN1987]

DO you think he feel out of love with you lucasky? Or what were his reasons? I too felt taken for granted, but that should be our issue with the rel right, not theirs?...

[lucasky]

In short, our breakup can be summarized in two ways:

-He is introverted (very much so) and keeps a lot of his emotions to himself. I'm extroverted and very open with my emotions. I needed more positive acknowledgement in our relationship than he was ready to give.

-He has problems (self-esteem) and I have problems (anxiety related) and we were so darn happy together that we were able to pretend, while in one another's presence, that we were truly happy and fulfilled in our lives. The reality though, was that he - when left to his own devices - hates himself. And I - when left to my own devices - panic over the smallest social issues.

 

We couldn't work on our own problems while together, because we were distractions. I'd think everything was great and so would he - until one of our problems would bubble up and cause a bump in the relationship. So we would have needed time apart no matter what (regardless of if we get back together or not).

 

Did he fall out of love? Its hard to say, LN. He's so introverted with his emotions, that sometimes he can't even express how he feels. He knows he's feeling some sort of strong emotion, but he can't identify it. It takes him weeks/months/years to determine how it is he feels about particular things. My gut instinct is that he loves me still - or something like love. I also think I'm too emotional for him. No matter how much he may like me, he sees how his introvertedness hurts me and to be totally honest, I think it got to the point where he logically came to understand that we will not work together as we are. He always gives way to logic over emotion.

 

"That should be our issue with the rel right, not theirs?"

 

That's the question, isn't it. I struggled with this the whole time I dated my ex. Was I being too emotional? Or was he being too neglectful/closed off? I think it was a bit of both. Now that I've been out of the relationship for a month, I can see more clearly how MY actions were very selfish - I was impatient with him. I KNEW how his mind works, he told me, and I said I understood, but I never really showed my understanding. He needed my patience, and I did not give it.

 

However! How long can a girl wait? How much neglect or taken-for-grantedness is appropriate to endure? Surely he could have worked at opening up a bit more to me.

 

So you see, there's no easy answer. My first two statements about why the break up happened show that each of us have issues to work on, and each of us presented reasons for the relationship having failed.

 

Can we reconcile? I sure hope so. But each day I slowly accept that we probably won't. Sometimes you've gotta chalk up a huge loss as "the one that got away" or .... a "lesson" that you needed to learn. It blows. I hate those idioms. I hate having to learn. I hate losing someone so awesome. At the same time though, I know it had to happen.

 

*End rant*

 

Hopefully that gave you some... perspective on your own breakup, LN.

[seanryder]

I think it's not so much falling 'out of love' as falling 'out of attraction'.....big difference! There is a book I have just read called "The Passion Trap" and it explains the dynamics of a relationship, how they can get out of balance and things you can do to get the balance back. Personally it was the most enlightening book I've read on relationships, and would recommend it to EVERYONE in a relationship or contemplating one. Look it up on Amazon (Big Red Cover......you can read the first chapter for free if you have Kindle or a kindle App) to get an idea of what's involved.

 

I have no doubt it will help explain some things and will be useful whether or not this relationship works out.

[CMS]

I think it's not so much falling 'out of love' as falling 'out of attraction'.....big difference! There is a book I have just read called "The Passion Trap" and it explains the dynamics of a relationship, how they can get out of balance and things you can do to get the balance back. Personally it was the most enlightening book I've read on relationships, and would recommend it to EVERYONE in a relationship or contemplating one. Look it up on Amazon (Big Red Cover......you can read the first chapter for free if you have Kindle or a kindle App) to get an idea of what's involved.

 

I have no doubt it will help explain some things and will be useful whether or not this relationship works out.

 

I agree, love will always be there if what you had is significant and no cheating or abuse is involved, but attraction fades with time or other factors, hence the line "I love you but not in love with you anymore".

[endy]

I agree with a lot of this thread. Here's what I see though. A lot of people have an idea of love. Being in love is simply the act of loving someone and it being reciprocated. Some people have no clue what love really is. Some people don't love themselves, so they can't love someone else properly.

 

What I have noticed recently is when someone is not mentally stable (depression etc) the relationship will ultimately fail. The reason being you don't love yourself. How can you love someone truly when you can't love yourself?

 

Falling out of love in my relationships occurred because the other person usually was not happy with themselves. This effects me and causes me to try and make them happy. Its impossible, and I know some may disagree with this. But both partners really do need to be mentally stable for a relationship to be solid and work. I'm sure there are exceptions.

 

The only other thing I can add is, I don't look at love as a feeling. In a partnership its an act. Its how we talk to the other person, its how we handle our anger and other negative emotions. Its truly always looking at the other with compassion and understanding. Yes there are feelings that go with it, but to me its an act. If its reciprocated that is truly being in love to me.

 

People fall out of love because the relationship is not what they expected or their needs aren't being meant over a long period of time. Some people just think that honeymoon stage lasts forever. There are plenty of reasons people fall out of love. Usually you'll be able to examine it in time and figure it out.

 

Mine was simple, my love turned to anger. There was constant arguing and before the relationship ended, we were already out of love. Neither of us dealt with our anger properly. It caused us to want to punish each other, and love can't exist in that environment.

[LN1987]

Endy I completely agree with your comment on anger. I was wondering now would you ever try to reconcile with a partner when there had been so much anger? The other day I contacted ex to tell him hating him was too much effort and that we should not have been so mean. He of course denied ever being mean or nasty. I look back and think god the pain was horrible, especially the manner in which he dealt with the break up.

 

Are you on speaking terms with ex, or how do you deal with that love when there is so much anger involved...

[endy]

It is not possible to love properly when we do not handle our anger or other emotions properly. Love however, is always inside of you. I practice mindful meditation to deal with all of my emotions. I am constantly literally in the moment listening to my breath. When anger arises in me I start that breathing and I embrace the anger. Compare it to holding a crying child. It allows you to say "hello anger, I know you are there" and not react out of it. Mindfulness allows us to look deeply at our anger and see where it's coming from. When you can look deeply this way into yourself, and others... you start to have compassion. With compassion comes understanding, with understanding comes insight, and then love.

 

Usually we blame other people for our anger and suffering. What I've learned is where it has came from. It's inside of me, but I formed a habit of it when I was young. It came from my father who always snapped at me when I was a child. I was told how to eat my food, and if I didn't do it right he raised his voice out of anger for example. He would not ever calmly explain anything to me. We are who our parents are. He in no way ever abused me or anything like that. I have great parents that I love very much I should add. I do not blame them for my behavior, but I'm breaking that cycle. I will not raise my children that way if I have them. I really make an effort to control it now with mindfulness. Anger is a seed, it never completely goes away. All we can do is learn how to control it the best we can by practicing mindful breathing.

 

The main issue with me and my ex was... our anger, she was like this too. She was also depressed, but for good reasons. Her dad left when she was 5. She repressed all emotions, and would not talk about anything. So really I am changing as a person right now and she is not I'm pretty sure (hopefully she is.). I don't think she really knows how to. We were in a 7 month relationship, she dumped her ex for me, then ran back to him after she had a miscarriage... We did cheat while she was still in the relationship and he knows everything. He's been cheated on by every girl he's been with and has three kids so I'm not sure what his deal is either. That's really not my problem though. But as you can see from her behavior... there's got to be issues there. Still I made a choice out of want and desire, and it was a pretty bad choice on my end. You never really want someone that is fresh out of another relationship. It just really isn't healthy for them or you.

 

I do not contact her and will not initiate contact with her. As far as I know she is still with him. I'm pretty sure I would have heard from her if she wasn't. I have boundaries, and those were broken. It was pretty much a forced break up by me which makes me the dumpee. If she did come back, I would not reconcile unless I saw significant change in her, and even then I would have to take a long hard look at it first.

 

If you're interested the above is Thich Nhat Hahn's teachings. The book titled anger will teach you all of that. I recommend reconciliation as well.

[endy]

Also, would I try to reconcile with someone that had anger issues like this? The short answer is yes and no. If they would work on it the way I do I would. If you read those books you would better understand why. As long as they practice and can learn not to intentionally hurt me out of anger I would. The book talks a lot about loving language and how to love someone the right way as well. All of his books do. It's buddhism, but as I've said in the past... Buddhism is more of a way of living than a religion. You can be a christian buddhist, it's just how you live your life and deal with things.