Issues before we are official?

[Pure Beef]

This girl and I had feelings for each other for a long time but never dated since she was originally from another city, and eventually moved back there. On her most recent visit back to my city, we hung out a lot and made out a little bit but never committed due to the distance between our cities (5 hour flight). She then went on to travel to Australia, and during this period she started messaging me on Facebook every week, keeping in touch and all. Back in February I decided Facebook wasn't for me, so I deleted my account, but left her my email so she could still message me. In total, I would say we have Facebook/emailed each other almost every week for 10 months. She is now back from her trip, and moving back to my city where we are most likely going to start dating the day she moves here (or at least the initial intentions would be to).

 

The problem is, well, I think she was seeing someone while she was in Australia. She never told me about him, but from some of the photos she had on Facebook, and the comments made on those photos, I would believe that she did have one (99% sure). This makes things a bit more tricky for me since I don't have Facebook anymore, but if I go on anyone's account (my buddy is a mutual friend who showed me the photos), she posts these photos for everyone to see now that I am no longer on Facebook. Her and that man are no longer together, and haven't been for about a month or two since her trip is over.

 

The thing is: She met him a few months into our intimate emails, I know its not cheating because we aren't official yet, but it still bothers me that she would do that and not tell me, I feel led on. Secondly, if she was with another man and leading me on behind his back, how do I know she wont do the same to me?

 

I really do have strong feelings for her, but I want to approach this situation the right way, she is moving out here in less than a week.

 

Advice?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you are unsure of her in that way and suspect she was not being honest with you, then why do you want to date her?

[Silverbirch]

Maybe she didn't consider the relationship with you as being commited or exclusive as it wasn't "official".

[Pure Beef]

If you are unsure of her in that way and suspect she was not being honest with you, then why do you want to date her?

 

At the end of the day she is the one that makes me the happiest. I don't want to come off as a paranoid/controlling partner when she does come out here, but I need to get over this, either by talking to her about it, or never mentioning it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I seem to recall from your last thread about this that she doesn't seem to think she did anything wrong. Which means the two of you have a fundamental difference in values..she thinks it is perfectly fine to string someone along while dating someone else because in her mind, as long as she is not officially dating you then she is not cheating and is not betraying your trust....you think that what she did was not right and was unfair to you. How can you reason with someone who doesn't think their actions were wrong? If you talk to her about it you won't get anywhere because she feels perfectly justified in her behaviour. Do you want to be with someone who has no conscience about playing with someone else's feelings...in other words, keeping things "legally" on the up and up but morally and ethically not.

[xyzzzz]

so did she or did she not have a bf in australia? if she made the other guy believe they were xclusive then she was cheating on him. or she's been all the time single then she has every right to "play the feild" it's up to you whether you accept things like that or not. if you do then you can be with her. if you dont ,at the end of the day im afraid she will bring you more pain than happiness.

[Pure Beef]

so did she or did she not have a bf in australia? if she made the other guy believe they were xclusive then she was cheating on him. or she's been all the time single then she has every right to "play the feild" it's up to you whether you accept things like that or not. if you do then you can be with her. if you dont ,at the end of the day im afraid she will bring you more pain than happiness.

 

I don't care if she slept with 1000 men. The problem that I am having is that, had she not went on vacation and moved to my city at that point instead, we most likely would have started dating then. Instead, I/we had to settle for emailing each other every week, and during that time she met someone else and never bothered to mention him to me. Again, I understand people have needs and urges, which I can live with, but she was with this man for a couple of months at least, regardless of how serious it was between them there was a relationship.

[chitown9]

You did not have a commited relationship with her. Unless your are married or engaged to be married you have a right to date others and she has a right to date others. I would not mention any of this to her when she returns to your home city and you resume dating one another.