kayyy27 Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years and 8 months and we are scraping by in this relationship. my boyfriend has a ton of issues as do I and I feel like our issues hold us back from having an amazing future. I have trust issues partially because of him but majority being from my past. I feel like hes extremely self absorbed and only thinks about his life and what goes on in his world. hes stuck in his own box. we always fight about the same things, it never changes. I know how the saying goes "someone has to bend before it breaks" but I feel like im the only one bending and I get no where. we bounce from financial problems (we are not married, have no kids and we don't live together), work problems, social problems and family problems. I feel like we are going thru these battles and its defeating us. I had a real big problem with a female co-worker of his that I asked and pleaded with him numerous times to keep it strictly work related. hes gone out with her on 2 separate occasions (without me and not just them two: group setting) and I found out about both times, I cried so hard right in front of him and he did it, TWICE. he says nothing is or ever will come of their "friendship" but what he did those two nights made me feel otherwise. this female ruined my birthday because he was more concerned about making us both be friends that he didn't care how resistant I was to being friendly with her. theres more to this story but id go on forever. financial, he lives alone and is financing a car. he barely goes to work and when he does has always late or getting in trouble which leads to UNPAID suspensions. his job is a-mazing. but he takes it for granted and then expects me to feel bad when hes broke. social, we never go out anywhere because he is either too tired or too broke and we usually stay home and ill watch him play video games (hes beyond obsessed) or watch him behind his laptop. my boyfriend is 25 by the way. and im unemployed because I believed the "baby ill take care of you while you go to school, dont worry you dont have to work" bullsh*t. family, he never defends me. he lets people make fun of me or voice their opinions about me and all he'll do is gang up on me with them. it hurts. what makes this situation worse is that a close friend of mine has joined his "team" and doesn't defend me or see my point of view either. so its almost like im talking to two brick walls. I feel alone, confused, hurt and afraid that I might have to leave this relationship where it stands and move on. please help. of anyone wants to hear more in efforts to help me, id appreciate it beyond words. Link to comment
Arsonist Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Is there anything good about your boyfriend? Sounds like he only cares about himself and his needs and none of yours. Link to comment
kayyy27 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 ive been with my boyfriend for over 2 1/2 years and I feel its run its course but I care too much to let it go. we aren't living together, engaged or parents. he is impossible to talk to. he doesn't understand me at all. he feels nothing he does is wrong and he always turns the tables to make me look bad.. and what makes things worse is that as of lately a close friend of mine has joined his "team" and doesn't even defend me when we argue. she only defends him and leaves me feeling stupid. me and him have financial, social, family and intimate problems. theres alot of details missing but before I devulge, I just want to know that there is someone out there that wants to listen to ME for a change and help me.... thanks in advance to all.... Link to comment
Yaz Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Leave him. Sounds like he wants you to. Link to comment
kayyy27 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 he is a generous guy to a point. he gives me all that I ask for materialistically. the one thing I can say is that he has sacrificed alot to be with me and I don't know.... I ran out of words. Link to comment
Arsonist Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 I would stand your ground and tell him how you feel, if he doesn't respect it then leave. I know it's hard to let go of something you care for but being treated badly by someone who is supposed to love you will only bring you pain, there are far more guys out there who would care for you. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 I think when it comes to a point that your boyfriend is ganging up on you, the relationship has run its course. It will be a good learning experience for you to put up boundaries from him and move on, and next time if anyone disrespects you again, you will be able to leave quicker instead of second-guessing yourself. Link to comment
Arsonist Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 he is a generous guy to a point. he gives me all that I ask for materialistically. the one thing I can say is that he has sacrificed alot to be with me and I don't know.... I ran out of words. So your saying a big reason why you two are together is because he buys you what you want? What about the things that make relationships healthy? Like loving you, caring for you, being kind to you, etc.? Link to comment
kayyy27 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 hes not kind that much. he is very sarcastic, he says mean jokes, he "jokingly" tells me to shut up or that im always wearing sweat pants. hes not sweet. ugh. im in tears right now...... Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 So he is allowed to disrespect you as long as he buys you things? That sends a really bad message. I think it would be worth it to dump this loser and then go completely NC. Ignore any sweet nothings he whispers into your ear and stay strong. It would be worth it to stay single so that you can become confident within yourself before you get into another relationship. Link to comment
monty77 Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 no offense..but why are you still with him? you seem extremely unhappy with the situation and the relationship, and that in itself is a reason to end things... Link to comment
Arsonist Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 hes not kind that much. he is very sarcastic, he says mean jokes, he "jokingly" tells me to shut up or that im always wearing sweat pants. hes not sweet. ugh. im in tears right now...... I don't know your situation as well as you do, but it sounds like your trying to force something that isn't there because you care for him and don't want to let him go, but you have to realize that there are sooo many other guys out there that are much better for you and treat you like you deserve to be treated. Link to comment
kayyy27 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 he doesn't buy me shoes and clothes, I mean he buys me necessaties like medicine and lends me money for personal things. your advice and help is very much appreciated. thank you so much drama. Link to comment
kayyy27 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 Thank you. I appreciate your kind help. Link to comment
Arsonist Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Good luck, always trust your instincts. Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 You're welcome. Keep this thread updated. You sound quite young. It's never to early for you to put up boundaries and learn that people will ONLY respect your boundaries if you have them in the first place. People will ONLY disrespect you continually if you ALLOW them to. So if your boyfriend called you stupid and you sat there and argued with him about it, instead of saying, "I don't like it when you call me names like that. It makes me feel disrespected. Now, I am going home now because I will not tolerate that behaviour." And no matter how much he apologises on the spot, you would stand you ground and leave. And then you would only speak to him again if he apologised AND if he ever disrespected you again, either by ganging up on you or anything, then you would dump him for someone that DID respect you. So what I mean is you need to have boundaries, you need to be prepared to enforce them and be clear, and if someone doesn't respect those boundaries, you need to be prepared to let them go (follow up your words with actions). Like I said, you sound young, so I think it would be worth it to dump him, find out who YOU are and what you like doing, become confident in yourself and only start dating when you are clear about the types of behaviour that you will not stand for - before you even get into a relationship (and the same ideals apply to any other friendship or family relationship too). Link to comment
kayyy27 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 im 23. ive been with a guy since I was 16. ive never had a hance to explore options or just... get to know myself. I am young and I really feel deep inside I am wasting away years of happiness and living with a carefree attitude for him, sitting at home watching tv and playing video games like we were in a middle school relationship. in your experience do men ever change when they are set in their ways like this?? I can't claim to be innocent because im a difficult female I'm very passionate about what I want and how I want it I guess just not in the right ways... Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 I think if you have the standards that it's ok for you two to sit around playing video games, instead of working or going out on dates, then that is what will happen. But it sounds like this relationship has run its course. Tell him that it's not working out and that you need time to find yourself. Don't tell him that you two will ever reunite in the future, because once you have worked on your confidence and embraced who you are, hopefully, you won't want to go back to relationship like this again. See it as a learning experience. Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 op may i ask why do you need him to financially help you out? are you trying to find a job too? you say he is generous.but what if he's broke? is he supplying you when you go to school? only buying you things when he has money but wouldnt care so much to keep himself financially stable to supply you,still means he doesnt care you enough. my bf has tons of problems too maybe worse than yours cuz he likes drinking partying drug and he wasnt even working.but after he met me,he got himself a job,worked his ass-off and once even i asked "why you tried so hard now?" and he says "cuz you wouldnt wanna be with me if i was like before"..and this is why im with him. Link to comment
kayyy27 Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 op may i ask why do you need him to financially help you out? are you trying to find a job too? you say he is generous.but what if he's broke? is he supplying you when you go to school? only buying you things when he has money but wouldnt care so much to keep himself financially stable to supply you,still means he doesnt care you enough. my bf has tons of problems too maybe worse than yours cuz he likes drinking partying drug and he wasnt even working.but after he met me,he got himself a job,worked his ass-off and once even i asked "why you tried so hard now?" and he says "cuz you wouldnt wanna be with me if i was like before"..and this is why im with him. im unemployed because I went back to school and I was having a hard time figuring out what I wanted to do with my life so he told me he'd help me out with what I need to get by but I find myself still on need but not anything he can take care of financially. he doesn't save money for rainy days or anything like that he has a ton of bills now and he lives pay check to pay check barelyyy making it. Link to comment
xyzzzz Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 im unemployed because I went back to school and I was having a hard time figuring out what I wanted to do with my life so he told me he'd help me out with what I need to get by but I find myself still on need but not anything he can take care of financially. he doesn't save money for rainy days or anything like that he has a ton of bills now and he lives pay check to pay check barelyyy making it. well then seems he's only good trait is gone now. he's too lazy to be generous. and as i said,he doesnt care you enough. correct me if im wrong but he sounds lazy and shiftless? i wouldnt wanna be with a guy like that Link to comment
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