How do I bring up the need to leave?

[nitchchick]

I want to break up with my current man. I've already ran away from him once, cheated on him with my ex, and told him the truth about the incident. We also have different life ideals - I'm Catholic, he's an atheist; he doesn't want kids and I want a family when I'm ready (which is another big reason why I need to leave him -I know I need to be single in order to make myself better for a solid relationship prior to marriage and kids). The problem I'm in is he is a HIGHLY sensitive man. He's got a mild case of bipolarism and is clinically narcissistic. It's taken a month for me to remove all of my belongings (he also gave me the key in 10 days so he wouldn't have to be home whenever I wanted to show up), and yet he still would like me to spend the night once in a while. I know I can't, because if we become sexually active (we haven't for the last month), we'll become emotionally attached all over again and it'll make the break-up process harder to proceed.

 

Help! How do I bring it up to him? What should I say? HOW should I say it? How do I start the process of leaving him to heal without relapsing? I only see him once a week right now, to go to art galleries, the gym, and have dinner, and I thought we were seriously on the path to platonic relations. But due to my recent hangout, he started to get close again (we kissed on the lips and the other times it was only on the cheek), and I'm honestly tired of keeping it inside. I'm ready to be single so I can learn how to be better in intimate relationships. Any advice would be grateful. Thanks for listening.

[dramallama]

I think if you have cheated on him and you know that he is not the one for you - break up with him sooner rather than later.

Do it quickly and don't drag it out.

It doesn't take too long to say "We just aren't compatible and this isn't working for me. Sorry."

Don't turn it into a discussion or it will give him false hope.

Don't stay friends or in touch at all because that will give him false hope too.

No dinners, dates, texts, emails, bumping into him, delete and block him from facebook or he will stay stuck on you.

 

You have to be cruel to be kind when you are breaking up with someone. But if you truly care about them you will want to shut them out forever so they don't get the impression that you do want to be with them. If you give them false hope it stops the dumpee from meeting someone that does want to be with them.

[Yaz]

Just leave. It's about you, not him.

 

Leave and no contact. You shouldn't care about him anyway, you're leaving.

[WockaWocka]

If I were you I'd stop the weekly platonic get-togethers for a while to make a clean break. Tell him you need space to heal. Or if he's a narcissist, remind him that he needs space from you so you're going to help him out by giving him plenty of space.

 

If my answer seems overly simplistic, remember that In a lot of ways, dealing with a narcissist is like dealing with a spoiled bratty child. Of course he's going to throw a tantrum when he doesn't get his way. As an adult these tantrums can take on more subtle forms - he may use guilt trips to turn it on you and make you seem like a terrible person. He will say it's exacerbating his bipolar disorder or something else where you'll feel trapped.

But remember that you're not doing him (or you) any favors by giving in to a tantrum. You two have such different life goals that every day you spend connected to each other is another day that both of you delay your chance to find happiness.

 

It's not so much about finding the perfect words to say it as much as it is about finding the courage to do it and follow through. Nothing you can say will magically make him understand. Nothing. Which is why at a certain point you really just have to let your actions do the talking.