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HS Relationship Ending and Uncertainties for the Future

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Tonight is just one of those nights so I need to get out my feelings. My thoughts are such a jumbled mess right now so bear with me.


It’s been almost two months since the BU and about 2 weeks of real NC. I'm getting better, going out more, and beating myself up less so things are looking up. Slowly my heart is accepting that this is it, but I still feel pain if I say it’s over and that I may never see him again. My odds of reconciliation are stacked so high it’s like someone cut off my horse's leg before the race. It was a high school relationship and soon to be LDR before he broke it off.


I'm in high school right? People tell me that it's not love, just infatuation. I hate to look at us so cut and dry because it makes me feel like what we had meant nothing. I wanted to believe in us so badly. Going into our relationship I was skeptical because I've had older friends who'd gone through this sort of thing but he tore down those walls and I started to believe in us. I knew what college and growing up does to couples and yet I hate myself for thinking even for a second that we could be different.


Despite all these stories of reconciliation, they all happened for people in college or somewhere down the line of adulthood so I wonder if any of the stuff I'm reading here applies to me or just further supports the hopelessness of my situation. Even assuming he miraculously wanted me back, I'm moving out of town for college. There is no time to fix things now, and even later on there's no easy way to re-connect.


I try to think in the now (NC, healing, yada yada), but my mind always wanders to the future. I know in a few months I will get better but I'm so scared to let go because then it feels like no one will remember. We move on and the memories just fade. My life is changing so fast and it seems like all these decisions are final. I don't like to think that we definitely will get back together (because that's setting me up for false hope and/or denial) or that it’s definitely over forever (because I don't want to give up).


I don't know if this makes any sense. I just really need someone to hear or maybe understand this so any advice, stories, or comfort welcome

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