Attraction Inconsistency

[LennonAid]

Hey all,

 

This has confused me for a very long time. It's a very bad type of confusion too, since I don't know if there's something wrong with me or what. Anyway, my problem is just this...Inconsistently, I am considered "handsome." Now, I know that everyone is attracted to something different, I get that. But this is why I'm so confused. By some, I am considered to be incredibly handsome, and these same people assume I have the ladies coming after me all the time. Even my guy friends think I'm some sort of lady magnet. I've had girls (the very few in my life, honestly) think that I was way too good for them, despite them knowing that they were attractive and that I can have anyone.

 

The truth? I've had sex with two girls in my life and have had but one physical girlfriend in my 22 years and that was when I was 16-17. To me, life isn't about how many partners you have, that's just stupid. But it confuses me that people think this way about me, and the complete opposite is true. Hell, I could be in a bar and feel completely invisible. I know it's the man's job to go up to a woman (usually) but I usually don't get the vibe that I should do so. Then I thought, maybe I'm giving off something that makes me seem unapproachable? I feel like that's incredibly egotistical, as if I'm just soooo handsome that women are intimidated but I'm not going to kid myself, that isn't true. When I'm in a crowd, I'm usually smiling and whatnot so I don't see how I don't seem approachable. Point is, I'm confused.

 

I really don't want to post my picture in this thread because this isn't about asking if I'm attractive or not. I know I am, in my own way. But if you're really curious, I did post a picture in another thread about my curly hair.

 

Thanks in advanced, wonderful people.

[FathomFear]

I read a few posts in your other threads. My first impression, without knowing you at all of course, is that you probably come accross as a little eccentric. While physical appearance certainly helps get your foot in the door, so to speak, it doesn't dictate everything. If you fail to approach women, come accross as a little weird, haven't established yourself as an adult (no job, etc), you'll still likely have issues on the dating scene.

[LennonAid]

I read a few posts in your other threads. My first impression, without knowing you at all of course, is that you probably come accross as a little eccentric. While physical appearance certainly helps get your foot in the door, so to speak, it doesn't dictate everything. If you fail to approach women, come accross as a little weird, haven't established yourself as an adult (no job, etc), you'll still likely have issues on the dating scene.

 

How have I even hinted at being "eccentric?" All I've done in this forum in all 11 posts (12 now) is either asked questions, replied with thank you's or whatever have you. Because I don't type like an idiot? And for the record, not having a job doesn't mean I've not established myself as an adult yet, or even remotely relate to the dating scene as far as attraction goes (unless we're talking money). Bringing up the job thing, I'm trying, just like most people without a job are, and if you really must know I have an orientation coming up for work in suicide prevention. For the record, your post was incredibly ignorant and I'd rather you not give me your "words of wisdom" again. Thank you.

[FathomFear]

I clearly stated in my last post that I do not know you at all. I said that "you probably come accross as a little essentric". I based this one two things: 1) The look/expression you have in your picture gives me that impression, and 2) you do sound very intelligent, but at the same time that could come accross as stuffy/pretentious to many people.

 

Again, I do not know you at all and wasn't trying to attack your character. I was just listing some rather common obstacles that people can face even if they happen to be attractive, and I threw some of them out there based on the little information I had on you.

[LennonAid]

I clearly stated in my last post that I do not know you at all. I said that "you probably come accross as a little essentric". I based this one two things: 1) The look/expression you have in your picture gives me that impression, and 2) you do sound very intelligent, but at the same time that could come accross as stuffy/pretentious to many people.

 

Again, I do not know you at all and wasn't trying to attack your character. I was just listing some rather common obstacles that people can face even if they happen to be attractive, and I threw some of them out there based on the little information I had on you.

 

I have no idea what you mean about the expression in my picture or how it could possibly be eccentric. That is genuine curiosity, not anger by the way. Secondly, I like to consider myself intelligent yes, but when talking to people I just met I never bring up anything that would show it; introductions, etc. It wouldn't have seemed like an attack on my character if I were a regular member here and I actually gave you lots of reasons to come up with your conclusion, but I haven't. Hell, even being "eccentric" to me isn't a bad thing at all given what defines the term. Though the rest of society makes like it's something bad, so I took it as such. I respect the mature reply, especially given my retaliation and I'm sorry for doing so, though I hope you understand why. My post says what I'm struggling with, and maybe it truly is because people are judging me harshly from afar, thinking I'm something that I'm not base off of nothing. Then you said what you said and it got my brain flustered because it doesn't seem like I can escape it, no matter what I do.

[Capricorn3]

I notice you very defensive response to FathomFear's post and it makes one almost too scared to reply. I don't think FathomFear was attacking you at all but did have a very valid point (imo).

I have also seen your other threads (and picture) and I also got the impression you were looking for an ego boost or something along those lines as it seems it was all about how attractive you are, or asking others what they think, and now we have another thread talking once again about your looks or how attractive (or not) you are.

 

Then I thought, maybe I'm giving off something that makes me seem unapproachable? I feel like that's incredibly egotistical, as if I'm just soooo handsome that women are intimidated

 

I think you may have hit on something in your words above. It's probably nothing at all to do about your looks, but rather, you are more than likely giving off a very unapproachable vibe. I suggest you relax and stop focusing so much on how people may be thinking about you when they see you and instead focus on others in your company.

 

As a side note: Many women and men can pick up the "I'm soooo incredibly handsome" (or beautiful, in the case of a woman) vibes from a mile away and it will make them head in the opposite direction. NOT because they are intimidated, but more because it gives the impression that someone is full of themselves and that is always incredibly off-putting to most people.

 

I say relax and focus on more important things.

[LennonAid]

Then you've taken the other thread completely out of perspective. The ego boost thing? Not my intent at all. I was asking a simple question about my hair, nothing more. I see tons of threads about people asking flat out, "am I good looking?" so I wouldn't have been embarrassed at all to have asked it straight out if I intended it. This thread is NOT about my looks. I said in my original post that I know I'm attractive, in my own way, and therefore didn't feel the need to post my picture. What made me defensive about his post was calling me "eccentric" based on almost absolutely nothing. In this day and age, can that word really be looked at as a good thing? Anything "eccentric" is often ridiculed for being so. I wish people, especially over the internet, would just look at the thread for face value and not try to find ulterior motives. Yes, sometimes it can be correct, but there are also times it is not. This is one of those times.

 

Anyway, about the actual thread...I try not give off the unapproachable vibe at all. That was really the point of this thread was that while I may not be aware of it, what's a good way of making sure I'm not doing that? In truth, I'm very approachable even if it may not look it on the outside (and I'm still not sure what would give the impression and since you've never hung out with me, I don't expect you to know specifically). Sadly, what you said about sending women away by being full of yourself is rare. I wish it were like that, because I'm not full of myself, not by a long shot. That's the other thing that annoys me about going out to bars or clubs or whatever is that the people who are full of themselves (the douchebag as you might have heard them referred as) often get the most attention. So I wish what you said was the absolute reality of things, but it isn't, though I certainly don't plan on going out and being full of myself either.

 

I do focus on more important things, but I happen to think this is important to me. If I'm somehow sending off negative vibes without knowing it, I should do something about it. Maybe just being conscious of it would help?

[Capricorn3]

Ok, let me see if I understand this correctly: Topic title is Attraction Inconsistency

 

* You say "I am considered handsome and by some people, incredibly handsome"

 

* You also say: " I could be in a bar and feel completely invisible"

 

Is this where your confusion lies? Is this the" inconsistency" you're talking about? Are you saying that you don't understand how it is that because you are considered "incredibly handsome", why you can be invisible at a bar?

 

Not sure if I've got that right, but that's what I'm getting.

[LennonAid]

Ok, let me see if I understand this correctly: Topic title is Attraction Inconsistency

 

* You say "I am considered handsome and by some people, incredibly handsome"

 

* You also say: " I could be in a bar and feel completely invisible"

 

Is this where your confusion lies? Is this the" inconsistency" you're talking about? Are you saying that you don't understand how it is that because you are considered "incredibly handsome", why you can be invisible at a bar?

 

Not sure if I've got that right, but that's what I'm getting.

 

I'm asking why it seems like people assume one way about me and the opposite is true. Why I seem to be at each end of the spectrum at the same time.

[Capricorn3]

I'm asking why it seems like people assume one way about me and the opposite is true. Why I seem to be at each end of the spectrum at the same time.

I'm afraid only people who know you can answer that question. No-one here knows you, we don't see how you interact with others, how you communicate, your body language, or the vibes you give in general. We can only go by the very little infornmation we have been given by you on a message board. Going by what I've read, I don't know the answer - I can only assume things, so it would be best I say nothing.

 

Maybe ask your close friends/family?

[LennonAid]

I'm afraid only people who know you can answer that question. No-one here knows you, we don't see how you interact with others, how you communicate, your body language, or the vibes you give in general. We can only go by the very little infornmation we have been given by you on a message board. Going by what I've read, I don't know the answer - I can only assume things, so it would be best I say nothing.

 

Maybe ask your close friends/family?

 

You actually started to answer the question by naming the things that possibly be reasons for it; how I interact, communicate, body language. That would be helpful. Consider me completely oblivious, because obviously I am if I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

[xyzzzz]

you already know people have different taste..so why are you still confused that some people will think your 10 while other wont even approach you? because people have different taste!

from your pic i can only simply say i wouldnt approach you . but i wouldnt approach my current bf either judging soly on his face. but after knowing him in person im hopelessly in love with him. so maybe those girls who like you,like your personality?

[FathomFear]

I have no idea what you mean about the expression in my picture or how it could possibly be eccentric. That is genuine curiosity, not anger by the way.

 

Again, this is entirely first impressions as I do not know you in person, but the picture just comes accross as a little weird/eccentric to me. It's the whole look of gazing over reflective sunglasses which are down on you nose. It just gives off the vibe of haughtiness. It's the kind of look I would expect to get from a French socialite while walking into a cafe in Paris. If the picture is reflective of a demeanor which is common to you, that could be a contributing factor as to why you're not approached. That's all I was trying to say. It's purely a subjective evaluation on my part and not necessarily something you're suffering from.

 

Secondly, I like to consider myself intelligent yes, but when talking to people I just met I never bring up anything that would show it; introductions, etc. It wouldn't have seemed like an attack on my character if I were a regular member here and I actually gave you lots of reasons to come up with your conclusion, but I haven't. Hell, even being "eccentric" to me isn't a bad thing at all given what defines the term. Though the rest of society makes like it's something bad, so I took it as such. I respect the mature reply, especially given my retaliation and I'm sorry for doing so, though I hope you understand why.

 

I understand where you're coming from. My intention wasn't to be unflattering. I was just throwing out ideas off-the-cuff, based on very little data, which you might want to consider. As Capricorn said, if you want highly educated opinions the best sources of information will be friends/family whom you can trust being open and honest with you. Message boards like this one will only be able to give you rough ideas based on a very limited set of data.

[BlueMilk]

How about this, next time you're at a bar or whatever setting in which you feel invisible - analyze how you sit/body language, how you look, the expressions you give off and who you're interacting with. Once you do (or if you've already done so) write it out here so we can have more information to sift through. It'll help you and it'll help us realize what might be the problem.

[LennonAid]

you already know people have different taste..so why are you still confused that some people will think your 10 while other wont even approach you? because people have different taste!

from your pic i can only simply say i wouldnt approach you . but i wouldnt approach my current bf either judging soly on his face. but after knowing him in person im hopelessly in love with him. so maybe those girls who like you,like your personality?

 

That wasn't my question at all, it goes more than just some people won't and some people will. I've expressed that in my first post and elaborated on it in a reply to someone else. But you know what? Judging by your personality, I wouldn't want you to approach me, I wouldn't even want you coming within a foot of me. I don't know what you look like, nor do I care, but your personality is completely distasteful. You judge my appearance negatively when this thread wasn't even about my appearance just because that's what you're used to. I don't like people like you, and would not even so much as want them even looking at me.

 

Again, this is entirely first impressions as I do not know you in person, but the picture just comes accross as a little weird/eccentric to me. It's the whole look of gazing over reflective sunglasses which are down on you nose. It just gives off the vibe of haughtiness. It's the kind of look I would expect to get from a French socialite while walking into a cafe in Paris. If the picture is reflective of a demeanor which is common to you, that could be a contributing factor as to why you're not approached. That's all I was trying to say. It's purely a subjective evaluation on my part and not necessarily something you're suffering from.

 

 

 

I understand where you're coming from. My intention wasn't to be unflattering. I was just throwing out ideas off-the-cuff, based on very little data, which you might want to consider. As Capricorn said, if you want highly educated opinions the best sources of information will be friends/family whom you can trust being open and honest with you. Message boards like this one will only be able to give you rough ideas based on a very limited set of data.

 

It's still one picture, though. Analyzing a person's character in one single picture can lead to insult, especially when that person always takes less flattering pictures of themselves or doesn't take many pictures at all. I usually take pictures when I'm out or having fun, and for years I've never taken a picture of myself. Now I finally decide to, with my sense of humor still intact (I took that as a way to say, "hey I can take kind of artsy full of myself pictures too!) and I get people judging me for it. I happened to like how it turned out and because I don't have a camera attached directly to my brow, I decided to just use that as reference for my hair. It wasn't intended for use in this thread since this wasn't supposed to be about looks at all, it was supposed to be about what other things I should be conscious about. My speaking skills are fine, I've given plenty of speeches in college and most people usually really enjoyed them. I don't say "weird" things unless the other person I'm dealing with has that type of sense of humor, so I definitely do my best to analyze the person and talk to them accordingly. But things like body language is something I didn't really consider, and that's why I made this thread.

 

How about this, next time you're at a bar or whatever setting in which you feel invisible - analyze how you sit/body language, how you look, the expressions you give off and who you're interacting with. Once you do (or if you've already done so) write it out here so we can have more information to sift through. It'll help you and it'll help us realize what might be the problem.

 

This is a good post. I want to be made conscious of things like this, not told that I'm unattractive or other things irrelevant to this thread. After two pages, thank you for this, THIS is what I wanted.

[xyzzzz]

your question is why people say your incredibly handsome while you seem to be at each end of the spectrum at the same time,isnt it? i understand it as "some people say your handsome while others wouldnt approach you hence your invisible in clubs." correct me if im wrong.

and to that i still think cuz people have different taste.

and you dont like me just cuz i say i dont think your handsome. if i say your hot,will you still get pissed cuz "this is not what the thread is about?" hahaha. i dont think im distastful. i didnt find my bf attractive face wise but i didnt just shut him down. i fell for his personality. so in fact i think im a very nice girl.

however i think you need to learn how to take criticism. you get very defensive when everyone says differently about your face. you asked about clubs,unfortunaly that is the place people judge you on your face. if you hope some girl will fall in love with you cuz she sees through your nice soul in the dark club room, dont think it will happen though.

clearly you have girls like you. and you have had 2 girlfriends. i dont see anything wrong with your life. just cuz not many girl approach you in clubs? do you want to have 100 girls falling for you? is that what you think an incredibly handsome guy should have?

[LennonAid]

Once again, your post is based completely off of assumption. I don't care if you don't think I'm handsome, or hot or whatever. I know I am and I don't need some overly judgmental girl telling me otherwise. I'm being "defensive" as you put it because you felt it necessary to dig through another post just to see what I look like, when it doesn't even matter. Why couldn't you answer generally and tell me other factors that can contribute to attraction as BlueMilk did? And no, not everyone judges on appearance. Yes, it's the first thing you see, but I'm not hideous (even if you think so) and as long as I have an inviting nature, they can find me attractive. However, this post was asking how I can be more "inviting" even if I already think I am since there is a possibility that I'm not aware I'm doing something wrong. Is it wrong to be confused that people tell me that I'm "handsome, amazing, cute, bla, bla, bla" and yet be treated like I'm invisible? It's confusing, and I asked a question to people who are hopefully more informative than I. And for the record, I still don't like people like you. Right away you go for looks, even on an internet forum. This is NOT a club, this is, once again, a FORUM where I asked a question looking for an answer. I didn't ask for your personal opinion of me and yet you still felt the need to give it. Your personality is very unattractive to me.

[xyzzzz]

this is not a club but your asking advise for clubs. if a club can work like a fourm,you dont need to worry about looks. clubs are cruel. they dont care about your personality. my suggestion is actually dont aim for clubs at all. as i said it's not like you cant have girls. so why worry about clubs? if club isnt a place for you, why not try somewhere else?

why i didnt give advise like BlueMilk? cuz i dont think you have problems in behaviors. you sound reasonably sociable and honestly, you dont think you are awekward or intimidating or dont know what to do,how to talk,do you? i actually think chances are you dont have problems. if the people who said your amazing were the same people who treat you invisibly,then it'd be confusing. but they are different people. so it;s completel normal. once again, you have girls like you.you had gfs.you have a sembalance of live.

[LennonAid]

So then why bring my looks into this. Unless of course, you're saying, based on one silly picture of me, my looks are the problem. Which is actually very insulting. My point was, my appearance shouldn't have been brought up. If you don't like the way I look, you could have kept that to yourself. I'm no Narcissist, and I understand not everyone will think I'm handsome. I even did a presentation on Narcissism for Psychology in College, and stated that a person with normative self esteem can understand that the whole world won't find them attractive. I've known people who thought Johnny Depp was "ugly." I get that, but it shouldn't have had any relevance in this thread.

[xyzzzz]

So then why bring my looks into this. .

all your thread is about looks isnt it? all the adjectives you used are for looks arent they? you have been talking all about looks so i wouldnt know your appearance shouldnt even been brought up.actually i think not only me,but many other people in the thread are talking looks to you. if anything,you might wanna word your original thread differently.

[avman]

Thread closed due to flaming.