Several months later and I still don't get it. G.I.G.S.?

[redsox23]

I was 21 when we started dating, she was 20. We were very much in love and had a really good relationship. We dated for about 2.5 years (off and on) and we always talked about getting married. She was a virgin and wanted to wait for marriage. I respected that, so we never did a sexual thing together. That was tough for me, but we stuck to it.

 

So we had been dating each other for about a year and a half, then she broke up with me out of nowhere, stating she was bored and wanted to see what the single life was like. A month later, she came running back in tears, telling me she loved me. We stayed together for another few months, but it still seemed like she wasn't "there." I kind of knew I was losing her. She started going clubbing, made some new friends, and started a new job. I decided it was time to let her go, because things weren't the same anymore. We took a 2-3 month break and we both saw other people. Nothing serious, just some casual dating.

 

Then she shows up to my college graduation uninvited. Apparently, she had been talking with my grandmother during our time apart. My grandmother said that they talked about how much she loved me, how she was hoping the time apart would help, and how proud she was of me. She also told my grandmother several times that she wanted to get back together with me. After my graduation, I made a decision to move 4 hours away to look for work. When my ex caught wind of this, she started showing up at my house a lot to talk. She would tell me she loved me and that she was afraid to see me go, but she knew it was best for me and my career. This eventually lead into us getting back together. For the next month, it was like we were back to day 1. The love and romance was back again. It was amazing.

 

Then, one night, she starts acting weird again. She goes on and on about how one day we won't be together anymore, how she views life differently now, how she may want to move out of the country. It was some strange talk. For the next week (which was actually my last week in town before I moved away), she ignored me. She didn't answer any of my calls. I showed up to see her and she came running outside in tears. She was pissed about something. She told me that while she was at my house the week before, my Facebook was logged in and she went through my messages. She read about some things I had done while we were broken up for those 3 months. Those things upset her. She made a really loud and crazy scene, asking "Why would you do this to me? I thought we were going to get married!!! Tell me why!" I was pretty upset that she went through my messages, so I left. I had to get out of there before Police showed up. She was acting NUTS.

 

So, the night before I moved, I called her to set things straight. I said, "I don't know what's going on with you, but I can't take this anymore. One week you say you love me, the next you want nothing to do with me. I can't take it anymore because you're hurting me. Please don't call me anymore." 5 minutes later, she shows up at my house crying. She says, "I don't know what's going on with me. Please give me time. I just need time to figure things out. I love you so much." I told her no. I said, "I'm moving. I have a lot going on. You're either with me, or we don't talk at all." So of course, we get back together.

 

I move in with my mom. I go back to see my girlfriend 3 times during the next 2 months. Everything seems fine. She even cries the last time I see her. "Please don't go. Stay another night. I love you." Then, out of nowhere, 2 weeks later, I get the text. "Things just aren't working. I don't want a LDR right now. I'll always care for you, but I don't think this will work now. Maybe in a year, when we both get our lives back together. Just not now."

 

I was pretty upset about this. I flipped out. I called her several times and she never answered. I sent some nasty texts, calling her selfish and spoiled. "I can't believe you're pulling this sh*t again!" A week later I drove 4 hours to see her, but apparently she had taken a vacation with a friend. I flipped out even more. Who is this friend? How come I never knew anything about this vacation? I called several times. No answer. About 3 weeks later, I drove back again to go and see her. She finally talked with me, but all of a sudden, she blamed the failure of our relationship on me. She said, "You moved away. You weren't trying hard enough. It's hard to explain... I just don't feel the same anymore. We can be friends. But you're going to have to move on. Who knows though, maybe someday God will bring us back together." I did everything wrong. All the begging, pleading, crying... you name it.

 

I drove back home and tried contacting her by text several times over the next few months. Never got a response. Eventaully, she changed her number. I ended up finding out that there was another guy involved. This was one of the guys she was casually seeing during our 3 month break. 3 weeks after the breakup text to me, she was already serious enough with him to start bringing him around friends. They were already talking about marriage too.

 

Her family didn't understand it. This guy had nothing on me. He was a deadbeat. I had a life and career ahead of me. They figured she was going through a phase and to just give her time. But, then she goes and tells her family lies about me. She makes me out to be a bad person. 3 months later, the bf knocks her up. YUP. I'm with her 2.5 years, no sex. She's with him no more than 4 months, BAM. She's preggers and he moves into her (and her family's) house. They start planning a wedding.

 

I guess the hardest part for me is that I don't understand it. Every reason she gave me doesn't make sense. Most breakups are easy to deal with because you get some sense of closure, but with her, there just wasn't any.

[Ms Darcy]

How to put this nicely. Both of you were acting crazy. I hope you never get back together ... just for the sake of your mental health. Move on and move up. This isn't "gigs" - tis just drama.

[hello678]

She cheated on you? I know it is ridiculously infuriating but this isn't one of those situations were you should work on reconciliation. What you need in this situation is to move on and forget she exists. Like you said, you have a promising future, let her be with this other guy and find someone who won't waste your time like her.

[redsox23]

Oh, trust me, reconciliation is not what I'm looking for. She's about to have a kid with another dude! I just don't understand what happened to her. None of it makes any sense. This doesn't seem like the girl I dated for so long.

[penelope13]

You both were relatively young when you met and first started so you became each others emotional support and stability wrapped up in a relationship. She started to feel that she wanted to experience other things, other people, to discover herself as an individual probably on a subconscious level. Instead of realizing this and doing the mature thing of breaking up with you she wasn't ready to let you go, because she still needed you as her stability crutch. Once you moved away she probably slowly started to become more comfortable with herself and she emotionally/mentally entangled herself from you.

 

Unfortunately for you none of this took place on a conscious level for her and she didn't take the time to figure out by herself what is going on. Not everyone is capable of self reflection. She probably meant it at the time that she wants to get married to you etc, because that is how she perceived love/ relationships have to be, but I'm sure she didn't have any mature idea about what marriage and true commitment actually entails.

 

You unfortunately got caught up in her own emotional turmoil.

 

All you can do now is to move and and learn from this experience. I would suggest that you take time for yourself and discover who you are as an individual before getting involved with someone else.

[redsox23]

This is a great post. We've been broken up for 9 months... I've been NC for 6 months. I definitely feel better. I know she's not the one for me. I don't want to be friends with her or reconcile, but I still think about her every day. I just don't understand how she could do what she did to me.

[redsox23]

Anyone else care to give me some input?

[Ms Darcy]

This is a great post. We've been broken up for 9 months... I've been NC for 6 months. I definitely feel better. I know she's not the one for me. I don't want to be friends with her or reconcile, but I still think about her every day. I just don't understand how she could do what she did to me.

 

No one ever seems to actually do this, but if you do, you will feel better. Take 30 minutes a day for at least 10 days to repeat mantra;

 

-Me [address yourself]: I know I don't understand how she could do this to me, and that is ok. She has her own issues and I am moving on to my future partner. I affirm that I am loving and lovable and capable of a faithful loving relationship with someone who loves me unconditionally.

 

Repeat this over and over and you'll start to let go.