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"Dumpee" contacting the "Dumper"


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I also have also felt that if you want someone back you should always take that chance. Yes you should wait a while and let things calm down and you should be prepared for not getting the response you want, and I don't mean go in all guns blazing telling them how much then mean to you ect ect. Just a simple text would do. If you do never do anything then of course your never going to get a response. I just think if theres a chance then you should take it.

 

I used to think like this but the pain of going back to square 1 is not worth it.

I made my feelings known and it is up to her (dumper) to fix it - if she wants.

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no contact is a catch-all way to protect yourself after a breakup, so it's the only real advice internet strangers can give. It's what a lot of people need to hear when they are most desperate and unable to accept the breakup. After these things cool down, I agree it really does depend on the people involved. There's no rulebook for this stuff long-term. But things have to cool down first before any sort of contact.

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just based on what I've seen here, when desperate people hear "other options" work for other people, they will choose the option that's most in line with what they want (to contact the ex). They will google around for advice that confirms their plan, or post a thread about their plan and listen to the 1 person (out of 50) who tells them it might work. If NC seems like a hard pill to swallow, it's more than likely a good idea. A person who's just been through a breakup should not be told they have many options other than to heal on their own, because they don't.

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If NC seems like a hard pill to swallow, it's more than likely a good idea. A person who's just been through a breakup should not be told they have many options other than to heal on their own, because they don't.

 

I agree. NC is almost always "prescribed" because people keep doing things that push their ex away. Since the break up, how has begging, pleading, calling, texting, etc. been working for you? It hasn't, otherwise you wouldn't be trying to find ways to get them back. It seems wrong, but you need to stop doing what doesn't work.

 

If you're still in contact with your ex and they have said that they want to work on things, you STILL need to stop doing what doesn't work. Don't be pathetic, pitiful, sad, needy, insecure. You STILL need to take things slow and work bettering yourself. If they haven't said that they want to work on things, then there is no reason to continue to speak to them. You need to heal your heart and your psyche before you can ever consider being in a relationship with them or anyone else again.

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I do agree I guess maybe part of me just doesnt want to! However (I don't know if it was aimed at me) but either way I havn't begged or pleaded, and he won't get me doing so either!

I do plan to work on myself for a while and fix the things about myself that he disliked.

But at some point down the line yes I may text him.

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I do agree I guess maybe part of me just doesnt want to! However (I don't know if it was aimed at me) but either way I havn't begged or pleaded, and he won't get me doing so either!

I do plan to work on myself for a while and fix the things about myself that he disliked.

But at some point down the line yes I may text him.

 

Only you know your situation and your ex. I know my ex, and I know that he will most likely NOT contact me. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he cares for me and wants me to be happy. If he just wants to be friends, he won't contact me because he won't want to interfere with me moving on. If he wants more than friends, he won't contact me because he'll be afraid that I have moved on. He is a pretty insecure person, and doesn't handle rejection well. He has issues from his past that have caused him to be guarded emotionally, so I know I'm going to have to be the one to reach out when I'm ready.

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What a fascinating thought provoking thread. Thanks everyone for sharing their experiences, hopes, dreams and nightmares. I'm going through a period of no contact right now. I was with my ex for eight months. We ended it about 6 weeks ago.

 

It seems the NC rule has seen a bit of controversy. Like many things in life the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. There's the extreme of being a door mat and begging and being a pest. Then there is the dogmatic though shall not school of thought. The reality is there are thousands of shades in between. Something as complex as emotions require a level headed nuanced approach. No one idea is flawless.

 

Having said this one would be foolish to ignore experience. And it is my experience that NC must be something seriously considered after a break up. I believe in it to a point.

 

When I was a younger man I made the foolish mistake of thinking if I just tried hard enough love would win out in the end. I could will someone to be with me. Then as the years went on I realized I would never make that mistake again. With each break up I noticed a trend. Not contacting someone often worked better than not. There were also times I would have missed some reconciliations if I applied NC like a robot. People and relationships are not always boolean. I found the best balance was to contact someone politely and respectfully. It might set you back. It may also open the door back into someone's life. When to and when not to is a balancing act. I would recommend some of the guidance here. I would also remind people any idea enforced to extremes becomes a bad idea. This is how virtues become vices.

 

As for my story I contacted my ex after about a month. During our time together I had received some troubling medical information. It put a great strain on our relationship. After a more thorough retest it turned about to be nothing. She was very supportive during this time. At the same time I was rather withdrawn and quite frankly a bit sulkish. I phoned to thank her for her support and apologize for being such a drag. She appreciated the call. Said she was worried. Said it was nice to hear my voice. I wasn't prepared to go to down that road. I politely ended the call after I told her what I called for, after telling her to take care. It was pleasant and I was glad I called. I should have just ended it there for the time being. The next day she sent me a 'joke' email. I didn't know what to think. I was in a good place and I should have just walked away. I reciprocated by sending her an email link to a festival we both talked a lot about. More accurately it was the line up. It was when this wasn't answered I started to come on down. No long term harm. Just kept moving forward. Oh well.

 

Maybe breaking NC is a mistake sometimes. In this circumstance it didn't sting too much. It provided me some guidance on what to do moving forward. That is don't contact her, she has moved on. And as much as that hurts that is her decision and I respect that.

 

My point after all of this is, the biggest mistake we can make is succumbing to the allure and simplicity of black and white thinking. The world is filled with colours and nuance. Live in it.

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My ex and I broke up 5 weeks ago. I was the dumpee in this situation. He was my first everything, boyfriend, relationship, time. The BU was somewhat mutual because I had been going back and forth myself about breaking up with him because I felt like he didn't care about me and didn't want me. However, when I brought up being "unhappy" he dropped the "I think we should break up" bomb. I was DEVASTATED. I honestly was expecting him to fight for me. He said very hurtful things to me about our relationship, saying he was trying to give me "closer".

 

I was very hurt and angry after the BU (no shocker there), I felt like our entire relationship was a lie, fake, and act because of what he said to me. But I still wanted to be with him.

 

After the BU I went NC. Three days after the BU, he broke NC with a text checking up on me, telling me I was on his mind. SUPER CONFUSING. I didn't respond for three days and my response was just okay and that I wanted to return his things.

 

A week after the BU, I went to his house and gave him everything back; his shirts, his books, his cds, and the presents he gave me. When I gave him his things back, he asked me what would happen now. He didn't want to cut me out or be calloused towards me. I was still really upset at him and went off. I told him everything I was thinking. I left without even saying goodbye. I immediately felt terrible for saying what I said two hours later.But I didn't give in and we had NC since that incident.

 

Two weeks later, I called him to wish him a happy birthday (against the advisement of many). He didn't pick up so I left him a voicemail just wishing him a happy birthday. A small part of me definitely hoped that he would call or text me back, but he didn't and I excepted that. Then the day after his birthday, he called me back saying that he got my voicemail and thanked me wishing him a happy birthday. The convo lasted about 20 seconds, because I wasn't expecting his call and told him I didn't know what to say to him and hung up.

 

It's been three weeks since that phone call. I truly miss him and his friendship and want to contact him again, but would that be a good idea? I've had mixed advise about this. Some say DON'T EVER CONTACT HIM, let him come to you, and I won't lie, I'm hoping for some reconciliation, however I can accept if we don't get back together too. I just really want him back in my life. Should I try to reach out again with a "hey, how are you" text?

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  • 2 months later...

I'm glad we have this thread to talk about the experiences as a dumpee, or a dumper.

 

In my case, I was the dumpee. It's been close to three months since I've actually spoken to my ex, and I miss her a lot. I've been back and forth with whether I should reach out to her and contact her just to see how she's doing or just to hope that we can work things out, not relationship wise, but just so that we can have her back in my life. Deep down inside I do want to get back with her in hopes that we can work out the issues in our relationship, but I know I would be fine even if we worked things out without being in the relationship.

 

I have reached out to her in between those three months, but the conversation was short and she wasn't interested in what was happening in my life. She only answered when I questioned about what was going on with her. From then on, I decided to cut all further connection with her, whether it was FB or Skype. Right now I'm questioning whether what I did was right. I feel that by doing that, what I basically told her was that I didn't want nothing to do with her, which isn't true. I did that so that I could heal.

 

Being in NC with someone that you really loved and cared about is hard, especially if you genuinely care about them and wonder how they're doing. What makes it even harder is that I'm the type of guy that believes that being committed in a relationship is always working through the issues regardless of how tough or impossible it might seem, because that's how you grow as a person, and that's how you grow together. I don't believe in taking the easy way out, especially when it comes to love, because there is no perfect person out there, we all have differences, and it's the differences that makes life interesting and it's what helps us learn. I'm a firm believer that if you truly love someone, you will truly accept the good and the bad that comes with the package. Life is about pro's and con's, so are relationships. It's the notion of "I don't expect you to agree with me, but I do need you to understand me."

 

Anyway, I wonder how's she's doing, but I don't know if I should reach out to her again. I really wish that we could've worked things out together and find a way to make it work between the two of us.

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I know this is old, but Heartbroken, why do you feel the need to talk to ex's and essentially flirt while in relationships? If you think you'd be good together, and saying that stuff while with other people, you might consider taking a break from anything serious, as it looks like you 2 aren't over one another.

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I have to say it XD

 

Well, I've been the dumper twice (with this same ex... this last was his choice to leave) So, the first time I dumped him I asked him back, because I was jealous (in fact he told me he made me jealous on purpose, so it worked) that he was spending time with my former friend Angie (she also went out with another ex of mine, that was the reason she was a former friend ¬¬) but yes, I did the approach.

 

The second time I dumped him I actually wanted him back a few months later but I knew that I hurt him a lot, so yes, I was scared of contacting him, that he will hate me and I will be rejected, and sometimes I just didn't want to hurt him again making contact it was like my own punishment. But he contacted me, like 3 years later and after a year talking by IM we were back together until now...

 

This time... well I was considering contacting him until I found out he left me for someone else, so I decided that it is all his choice about making contact.

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I have to say it XD

 

Well, I've been the dumper twice (with this same ex... this last was his choice to leave) So, the first time I dumped him I asked him back, because I was jealous (in fact he told me he made me jealous on purpose, so it worked) that he was spending time with my former friend Angie (she also went out with another ex of mine, that was the reason she was a former friend ¬¬) but yes, I did the approach.

 

The second time I dumped him I actually wanted him back a few months later but I knew that I hurt him a lot, so yes, I was scared of contacting him, that he will hate me and I will be rejected, and sometimes I just didn't want to hurt him again making contact it was like my own punishment. But he contacted me, like 3 years later and after a year talking by IM we were back together until now...

 

This time... well I was considering contacting him until I found out he left me for someone else, so I decided that it is all his choice about making contact.

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This is a great thread.

 

When my ex broke up with me after a year, she did it in tears, couldn't (or wouldn't) provide a reason, and left breadcrumbs. She was the first I've ever seriously considered "The One," and it was the first time I've heard someone call me that.I chased, looked desperate, made mistakes, etc. She requested NC in a text, I didn't understand, and definitely didn't respect her request. She completely ignored me. After 4 months, I finally caught on and have been NC for just under 2 months. Let's just say I made every mistake in the book.

 

I already feel better. Much better. I've been on a few dates, reconnected with old friends, picked up a new hobby, and am regaining my confidence. I'm becoming more like the person I was before we started dating, but with the growth and experience that comes out of a relationship.

 

I'd like to contact her again one day, and this thread provided some encouraging hope. I do not have expectations of ever getting back together with her. If someone had acted towards me the way I acted towards her, I wouldn't want them back, either. So I don't expect her to want me back. But, if I do contact her, I think it will be done with hope. Hope that she remembers the good times, has forgiven me for the bad times, and trusts me when I say I've grown from that experience. I'll also hope that she's grown up herself.

 

I understand that rejection is possible, and probably likely. But as a few in this thread have mentioned, I think it's worth a shot. I think later in life I would regret not sending an email or making a call. I know there's other beautiful and smart women out there, and if she tells me no, I won't have a problem finding something better. If she rejects me at that point, she's the crazy one.

 

So, it's only been 6 months since our BU, and I know I'm not ready for contact yet. Based on the way she treated her ex prior to me, I doubt she is, either. I'm going to give myself more time and see how I feel later, but I definitely think there's a way to contact an ex with hope, but without expectaitons.

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  • 3 months later...
My ex dumped me back in February and we were together for 11 months before we broke up. We broke up because I started being very clingy and he felt like I was suffocating him.I contacted him in April just to send him a "happy bday!" text, and that's when he asked me to call him and we hit it off again. We got back together that very week and are still dating now. Now, I've started to make changes and be more independent... seek out my own interests and not centre my life around him, etc.

 

your situation sounds similar to mine! my bf dumped me in october and we have been LC, like REALLY limited. The last text was from him the day before xmas wishing me a happy holiday (he sent this because the week before i called, but it went to voicemail and i just said "hey x, i just called to say hi. If you feel like it you can call me back". I honestly wasnt expecting to hear from him but i wanted to put myself out there one last time before i said goodbye to 2012 and turned over a new leaf for 2013) Anyways, I responded to the xmas text and just said merry christmas. I dont expect to hear back from him but his bday is in April and i want to hold NC but part of me wonders what i should do =/ your post was interesting! It sounds like you were away from each other for 4 months

 

WHat exactly happened with your situation? Are you guys still together? Thank you in advance!!

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  • 7 years later...

First of all, bumping this. It's all a great read, some great stories.

 

First of all, I live by the mantra that if you don't shoot then you you'll never score. But I'm risky like that.

 

Anyway, two years ago my ex broke up with me because she no longer saw a future with me. I was needy and putting her in a pedestal, it killed all her attraction and respect for me even though she loved me. She just didn't believe I would be the man again that she first met.

 

For the next few days after BU, I'd say 4, we were texting only 3 max messages each side. Some days I begged, some days I asked how she was - it was clear to say that every text I sent was initiated by me and from a place of NEEDING her back. I even wrote and sent a letter on the 5th day. I know, it's pathetic.

 

A couple days later, after asking her if she got it, and then a blunt reply from her that she had. I realised this isn't getting me anywhere so I said my goodbyes and wished her well.

 

Three weeks later I had myself a new job interview that was near her flat in the city (this was coincidence as a lot of Companies in what I studied in are that area). I text her the morning if she fancied catching up over a coffee after that interview. Later that day she replied that she's got to work late but can go for a drink after as she's having a few with some new colleagues of hers.

 

Later that evening I meet up with her, we talked about random stuff (she had a new job within the three weeks out of the blue), and with alcohol involved, I stupidly went back to hers and we slept together. I left the next morning, we messaged back and forth for a few weeks not seeing each other, we then got back together for 6 months until my job took me to another city the other side of the country and we ended.

 

When I texted her about meeting up, of course I still missed her, can't get over someone in 4 weeks if there was love. But for me, I didn't go into wanting to catch up with her with the idea of reconciliation, even though a part of me wanted her. I cared about her and wanted to know how she was doing. In the 4 weeks between the break and seeing her, I focused on myself, even in those needy first few days, and knew that if I was ever to see her again, I'd have to feel confident and be able to handle the possibility of her declining to meet and not let it damage me.

 

It all depends on the circumstances. For me, she has always been stubborn, struggles to swallow her pride.

She never reached out to me, I reached out to her. Sometimes the dumper can fear reaching out because of their guilt of hurting/breaking your heart. But if you can speak to them from a place of confidence and respect (and this confidence isn't faked just to try to get her back), they will notice it and it can throw them off, and once they're thrown off, then the balance has shifted.

 

Please take my story as one example, it's not a rule book or a blueprint. It's my experience and nothing else.

 

Some form of space is important. They need to miss you, know what life is like without you. From my experience, the more constant you were in each others lives (lots of communication over phone / seeing each other lots) then they'll miss you quicker because it's more noticeable. I don't like the No Contact label as it's too commercialised these days. Scrap whatever amount of time anyone says, because every person in the planet has a story which is different than anyone elses. Just let them miss you for A period of time.

 

If you want to protect yourself and never get hurt until you're over your ex, don't reach out until you're over them.

 

If you want to reach out before you've moved on, prepare for rejection, anything else is a positive, and don't try and picture how it plays out before it actually does.

 

At the end of the day, only you know what's right for you. Until then, these stories and experiences serve as exactly that, other people's stories and experiences.

For what it's worth, only you can decide what is best for YOU.

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I was dumped at the end of February. It had potentially been on the cards for a while as she told me she was constantly feeling up and down about the relationship.

After it ended I text her, probably a little too much and she ended up blocking me and calling the police. I was never threatening or begging, I just simply found it hard not having her around.

The last contact I had with her was March 13th when she collected the last of her belongings. I think about her every day and with the current covid19 situation worry about her mental health as she has OCD as well as anxiety and 2 physical health conditions.

It pains me so much I cant reach out to her. I keep hoping that she will drop me a text or something just to see how I am but it hasn't happened.

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