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"Dumpee" contacting the "Dumper"


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This is a great thread, thanks for posting it. I'd like to ask, if the breakup ended on bad terms - after going through months of messy contact and fights over the breakup, and the dumpee was really hurt that they kind of closed the door on being friends or communicating one day (the dumper has mentioned before that they would like to remain in contact), how would the dumpee approach the dumper since they have rejected (in the heat of the moment) being friends with them again? I truly believe that a period of NC would be necessary, but IF there was a desire from the dumpee to contact the dumper and to truly try to fix the broken friendship that once was very successful (whether it resulted in a possible reconciliation or not), how would you describe the best approach? I hope I made it clear...

Only contact them when you want nothing more than friendship. If you wouldn't mind if they had a new partner if you did contact them, then go right ahead. Friendships are a dime a dozen. Since that is so, why not find new friends - without any baggage? Unless deep down you want to reconcile? It's not even about giving the APPEARANCE of not expecting a relationship, but truly not expecting one in the first place. The thing is, when most dumpees truly get to that point, they feel no need to post about their ex on message boards or whether they should contact their ex for "friendship" because they have moved on and are spending time with true friends, and dating.

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I'll add this...

 

When I heard from my ex after nearly a year (she had dumped me), there were definitely mixed signals coming from her, but she eventually made it clear that she was just open to friendship (at least at that point). I clearly wanted a relationship again, but wrote her and said, well, ok, maybe we can be friends (I was lying to myself, it'd never work). She then responded by saying something like 'I don't think so now, you've still got strong feelings for me... you'll always be hoping I'll have the same feelings again. I won't be of much use to you it seems unless I feel the way I used to.' She was right. It killed me to admit it, but I did, and I let her go right then (well, after a bit of pathetic pleading lol). Part of me still wonders, what if I had at least tried? But I've got to be honest, it would have been hell. The fact I haven't heard from her since let's me know I made the right decision.

 

I tend to agree with everyone saying that trying to be friends with an ex, while still holding feelings for them, is probably a bad idea. That being said, I do think that it's good to exhaust all of your options before you decide to move on. Whatever those options may be. I know that I tried, and that I was able to say the things I needed to say to her. It was up to her to take it or leave it and she decided to leave it. Ha ha, I hope some of that made sense.

 

Anyway, that's just my story. Everyone's is unique in a lot of ways. Anything can happen I suppose.

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Thanks for your answers.

 

Well, my ex was my best friend ever. I found my true self with him and I never felt something so deep in my life. If I can do anything to bring that great friendship back, I would. But of course, I would NEVER accept less than my worth anymore. And, for that to work (whether friendship or reconciliation), and for ME to approve of it, HE should show that he is wanting the same, and is willing to put the effort in, whether I do initiate contact or him. That really doesn't make much difference to me. Taking the first step, is not humiliating itself, rather it takes courage to do so. It's actually about how you do it and proceed with it. I never let pride or selfishness stand in my way. A LOT do. Dignity is far away from pride. Dignity can be maintained under all circumstances because that depends on how you choose to act and react, and that said, you should use the time apart to do some learning and real changes to your life and personality. Of course, for yourself to begin with, and then the rest comes. I wouldn't lie that I would like another go with my ex, but I truly lost that glimmer of hope and those delusional expectations which made me screw up several times before. Plus, I would try my best not to lie to myself as well because this could do me nothing but heartache. Somehow, I feel at peace from within. But I'm open to any attempts when it feels the time because what hurts me the most, is having to lose such a person who was so close to my heart. Some people are just irreplaceable! And whatever baggage we're carrying it CAN be burned IF we both wanted. I know he let me down at times, just like I know I had my own mistakes, but I could not forget the love he gave to me as well, and I very well understand we're both not perfect.

 

This time, I'm looking after myself and planning to go out, date, and try enjoying life out of my ex's zone. I have a very few friends who even don't go out! It's hard to make new friends since I have just graduated, but I would still try. Having these thoughts of someday contacting my ex would NOT put me on hold. Not anymore. And who knows, maybe I would not really wish for more than just friendship if that time comes around! Also, like many posters said, it is better to have tried everything you could til it feels impossible for you, rather than go crazy thinking to yourself there is still an option left to do! You never lose by trying, because anything can happen, and if it didn't, either ways you have learned something, whereas you could lose by holding back...

 

I HOPE I'm not off-topic! lol

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Hi Yostina, you said:

 

"Also, like many posters said, it is better to have tried everything you could til it feels impossible for you, rather than go crazy thinking to yourself there is still an option left to do! You never lose by trying, because anything can happen, and if it didn't, either ways you have learned something, whereas you could lose by holding back..."

 

Couldn't agree more. People will tell you to act like this, or don't do this... say that, don't say that. It's easier for other people to give the advice because they've been through it. Point being - they did what they had to do and learned from it. In a lot of cases, they may be giving the right advice, but I think when it comes to relationships, we need to experience things for ourselves to learn from the experience.

 

When I attempted to reconcile with my ex, I did everything wrong according to most people's advice here, and as a result, it failed in epic proportions lol. But the point is, I did everything I felt I had to do. I said what I felt. I laid everything out on the table. To me, if you try to get them back by playing a 'game', it won't be genuine, even if you do get them back. When does the game end? In losing her, the one regret I wouldn't be able to handle would have been not being able to let her know how I felt about her. I got to tell her. I can live with the rest. Anyway, sounds like you're on the right track.

Edited by Jeffrey01
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Agreed, some wisdom needs to be learnt first hand. You can not force feed someone knowledge if the other party has no intention to learn from you, you have to let them make the mistakes themselves and let them learn from their own mistakes.

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No, you're not off-topic, although this thread has been several times as you may have noticed. Actually, I think your post is spot on to how I'm feeling and puts things back into perspective and is the main reason I created the thread. To offer a well-rounded view of what possible scenarios a dumpee might face if contacting their ex. You and I haven't contacted our exes, but still plan to at the right time despite some discouraging comments. Some folks giving that advice, haven't applied it in their own lives and even so, can't determine how your story will end. You know you and your ex's situation the best. I, like you, have been trying to live a full life in the process of dealing with my breakup. And I've done ok, but that nagging urge to contact is still there and almost caused me to call last night. But I talked myself out of it, since I'm unsure if the time is right at this point. You just have to be smart and if you do reach out, make sure you can handle any outcome. You're right. Dignity is important and as long as you can maintain composure and a level of non-chalance, it is something worth doing if you're having a hard time moving on. And as some have said, it may not be a mistake after all and things may end well. It has for some others. Although that word is subjective and even if the results aren't what you wanted, it's a life lesson which isn't a mistake. And why can't there be more power to us if we can muster up the courage to reach out?

Edited by kaboom1218
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Kaboom - totally agree with 99% of your post. The only thing I disagree with, at least for me, is the non chalance aspect. I'd read that a few times prior to meeting with my ex for the first time in a year. I was even prepared to try and 'act' like that. But once it came down to it and we were face to face, I let everything fly. I put it all out there. Do I regret that? In some ways, but as you said, you can't have regrets for having made the attempt. Personally, I think the regrets would be far worse for having not tried. But as far as non chalance, I think if you are naturally non chalant, that's one thing, meaning you're really fine with the situation. But if one has to fake it, it can be pretty tough. I cracked. Doesn't mean you or anyone else will though.

 

Another benefit of reaching out - you find out where you stand. In my case, she didn't want what I had to offer anymore. So, I got my answer, which was that 'friends' were all we were going to be from that point on. I wasn't ready to settle for that at that point.

 

My bottom line - do what you gotta do!

Edited by Jeffrey01
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  • 6 months later...

What if you are the dumpee, not over it yet but the dumper is contacting you on occasion.

 

My ex broke up with me 5 mths ago after 2.5 yrs together, no abuse/cheating/big reason, I don't know if she's seeing anyone. She's the girl of my dreams and we met a few times in first few mths after BU. I went with dignity and self respect, haven't initiated contact at all, but she hasn't gone more than a month at any time without calling or emailing, the latest just before Xmas asking how I am, apologising for everything and saying she hopes I'm happy and that it would be good to catch up some time.

 

I've always replied quite nonchalantly but in a pleasant and caring manner. I do want to be friends eventually, but if I'm being honest whilst I'm much better than I was a few months back, I know if we met I would deep down want more than friendship still. I want to try and keep to not initiating any contact or meeting up until I'm completely over her, but how do I know if her contact is breadcrumbs and a want for attention or if she is trying to reach out but scared I've moved on/would reject her?

 

Is the any other option other than living my life and continuing to heal and move on and assuming if she ever did want to reconcile she would say so and make a clear move?

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but how do I know if her contact is breadcrumbs and a want for attention or if she is trying to reach out but scared I've moved on/would reject her?

 

Is the any other option other than living my life and continuing to heal and move on and assuming if she ever did want to reconcile she would say so and make a clear move?

 

Short of asking her, you won't ever know why she keeps on getting in touch!

 

I'm a firm believer that if she wants to get back with you she will come out and say it, anything else isn't worth bothering replying to.

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A dumpee contacting a dumper will result in one of the following results eventually;

 

1. Dumper has made it clear they are done, they will totally ignore any communication with dumpee. Actually rude but best for dumpee.

2. Dumper will accept your contact but you will be in friend zone (even if you do the mattress mamboo once in a while), eventually you will get hurt when they move on to someone else.

3. Dumper will accept contact for short period after breakup because they are trying not to hurt you. Will get annoyed with you after a point in time.

4. Dumper gets back together with you.

5. Dumpee tries for short time (month max)then gives up and moves on.

 

1 out of 5 is not good odds. Usually those continuing to contact are in denial and will site all the examples of #4 while most on here will advise it's a losing endeavor and advise the dumpee to start moving on and focus on themselves instead of the dumper. When you add in the fact that many times those who reunite end up breaking up later it becomes really dismal for continuing the idea of contacting the dumper.

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I made contact with a girl I dated several years ago after about a month of no contact. She had said things felt too "friendly" and that I didn't seem into her. At the time, it was probably the case. She never responded to my e-mail. It is funny because I just re-read that e-mail a week or so ago and I sound like such a loser in that e-mail! I would never send something like that now. Did all of the classic "mistakes" but I guess at the time, regardless of how bad it was, it gave me closure because she didn't respond.

 

With my current ex, we were friends for a few years before we dated and I feel that is why it is harder. I had a connection with her before we dated so it is hard to stop talking to her and never see her again. It has been 3 weeks. If she contacted me tomorrow, I am not sure how I would react. I feel I need to be completely sure I am over her before trying to re-initiate a friendship with her. I also figure that after another couple of months maybe I will meet some cool people and not feel the need to re-connect with her which might seem mean but maybe for the better. I think I am more afraid that I won't meet new/interesting people and I will start missing her friendship more and more since I thought she was an interesting/fun person despite things not working out relationship wise.

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  • 4 months later...

Just thought I'd say something, this thread has really been eye opening for me and made me think of things in a whole new perspective. Recently, my ex of 2.5 years broke up with me for the second time, this time saying he "doesn't love me as much as I do". I was distraught. There were signs, yes, but I ignored it to the point where it annoyed me. I would ask my friends, family, and random people what I should I do. Last time I saw him it was a get together and he avoided me like I was a disease. It didn't feel to well and learned to avoid those situations for a while.

 

They'd tell me things like "don't contact him, you'll boost his ego", "act like he fell of a cliff", "you'll only end up getting hurt", "he's using you", "don't contact him, you'll only be hurt", etc. I've been doing NC for almost a couple of weeks, but I did it for the wrong reason: to make him miss me. As the days went on it became more about healing myself and trying to understand the break-up for what it is and accept it. I have a gut feeling like I should call, but with so many opinions, it clouded my judgment. When I asked my father about what I should do he told "No one knows what's going to happen, what he'll say, or what he'll do. You know the relationship and better than him better than anyone. In the end it's up to you. There will always be good and bad consequences to everything. If you want to contact him, contact him as long as you feel you can handle what happens afterwards. Do what you feel you need to do and don't rely on others for decisions, because in the end it's yours to make." He wanted space for a couple of weeks and I'm giving it to him. I'm deciding to contact afterwards.

 

In the end, I believe that there is nothing wrong with contacting an ex but to not expect anything. If you feel you need closure, then let him that's what you need to properly move on. Let them know that you have no intentions of forcing something they don't want. Wait until you know it won't cause absolute pain to see him.

 

As for the whole NC to want the ex back, I've read in many places that it rarely works. I believe you have a better chance o f reconciliation when you have at least limited contact with that person as opposed to risking everything by not contacting them at all.

 

I will post the outcome,to see what happens. I don't want to go on wondering "what if" anymore.

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I know this is an old one. But wanted to add my .02.

 

As the Dumpee:

First marriage collapsed because ex was abusive, I have been out of contact for a decade, never want to hear from him again.

 

Second marriage collapse: Messy. We back and forthed for about a year. It was messed up and totally damaging to me as I didn't want the marriage to end. We had one crazy phone call where I was FINALLY done didn't contact him again. Fast forward 5 years, I ran into him on the street and we talked for a half an hour and he poured out his heart and admitted that he messed everything up and still loved me. I got to tell him no, and it was FINALLY the closure I needed. We have had minimal contact since, but I have zero feelings for him and we both have moved on. It was good for me to see that the man I did love was there and I wasn't a total idiot.

 

Intense short relationship: He kept popping back up for about a year, really messing with my head. I stopped contacting him, now we hear from each other once in a blue moon, and I have no feelings anymore and it is ok.

 

Dumper:

I had the guy I dumped call me, and I welcomed his call and let him yell at me cause he needed to. We haven't talked since, and I feel bad because I did hurt him, bad space at the time, and I miss him because we had been friends before the whole mess.

 

Other people where it just didn't work, always happy to hear from them and are acquaintance friends with them.

 

Current:

My BF and I just broke up, I am going to talk to him once, as the break up was really out of nowhere for me, to try to either see if we have a chance, or get a little closure. If he doesn't want to be with me, I will respect that and stay away from him. In the future who knows. He's a really good guy going through a really hard time, so I don't want to shut the door forever on him, but if that's what he wants I will respect that. I love him enough to set him free.

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Good thread.

 

Me and my ex have always been good about contacting each other, responding promptly, and always trying hard to see the other person's side of things. We could always count on each other to be there at a moment's notice, and even in the hardest of times, to respond with as much patience and compassion as possible. We were friends for over a year before dating, and were an excellent support system for each other.

 

Until one month ago.

 

It was our history together that led me to believe that reaching out would not be a bad idea. So I did; twice. The first time was a week after she said "leave me alone forever." I thought after a week, she might have second thoughts. She responded clearly, firmly, and logically that further contact would be completely pointless.

 

A week later, I left another message to an alternate account of hers, asking to forgive me someday. I figured she wouldn't even check that account for months.

 

She checked it a week afterwards. And again, clearly and firmly told me to stay away. She dropped the word "harrassing" in there, almost casually, not as an accusation, but as a warning. I took it to heart.

 

I only hope there aren't any other surprises out there that I may have forgotten about.

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I just thought I would add my story to this great debate:

 

Ex and I spilt Feb (I was dumpee): there was no abuse or arguments as such, we just drifted apart but still love each other deep down.

I didn't beg, plead or cry too much and went into NC.

After 2 months I decided to push the door open a little and sent a mail. I got a reply saying that she had been thinking about me etc and that she was glad that I had re-connected. I feel that there is a chance for us in the future but not right now. I was not ready for the contact. I am back in NC for almost one month.

 

For anybody contemplating contact I would say Just take it VERY slowly and make it brief. Then leave it a month. Do the same again and see how it goes.

 

When I broke NC, a mutual friend had said that maybe NC is a bit extreme and childish - hence the contact.....and I do tend to agree in the long term.

 

For me NC is about healing myself so I CAN just be friends with the ex - or more. I spent 6 happy years with her - WHY ON EARTH WOULD I NOT WANT TO SPEAK TO HER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE???

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  • 2 weeks later...

My ex broke up with me in March after a year, saying that he wasn't as in love with me as he thought he should be and that he was worried that he wasn't getting butterflies anymore when he saw me. We tried being friends because our circle of friends was too tight for us to avoid each other, and because we were really close before we started dating. He started dating someone else who'd been waiting around for the time that we were dating a few weeks after we broke up, but he never mentioned it whenever we talked. I started feeling like he was pushing the friendship too hard (pulling me into private conversations and taking me to lunch/dinner to prove to me that he didn't hate me and that things didn't have to be awkward between us), and I sent him a text asking him to give me space and stop contacting me for a while. And it was great.

 

About 3 and a half weeks into NC we ended up sitting next to each other at a rehearsal dinner (and the universe had thrown us into a lot of situations where we had to be together before that) and it was really awkward because neither of us knew how to act after the NC text. So I decided to break it yesterday and just send him a good luck text for his new job, since we're both going to another wedding this weekend and I'd rather it not be as awkward. I got back a simple "Thanks!" (all I really wanted; I would have been fine if he hadn't replied, but I couldn't have dealt with an outpouring of emotion yet, which I'd heard of happening). I'll let you know how it goes at the wedding; based on past experiences, it'll make for a good story.

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I didn't beg, plead or cry too much and went into NC.

That's entirely normal and something many of us did.

If you must cry, don't let the other see your emotions.

 

Everly Bros. "I'll do my cryin' in the rain...."

 

Since we're not together, I look for stormy weather to hide these tears I hope you'll never see.

I may be a fool but till then darlin' you'll never see me complain, I'll do my cryin' in the rain...

I spent 6 happy years with her - WHY ON EARTH WOULD I NOT WANT TO SPEAK TO HER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE???

Realize it's tough, but the hard truth is it's over. Kaput.

There's nothing you can do about it and trying to re-initiate contact will only make matters worse.

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I dated a woman for four months and she broke it off with me because her ex came back into the picture. He probably was never out of the picture, but that is irrelevant to this thread. The first week was really difficult, but we got together the following weekend to talk and ended the evening kissing and such. This pattern continued for another couple weekends until I received a text telling me she cannot have contact with me anymore as her and the ex are going to try to start dating again. My response was essentially I don't give a damn. She sent another text saying I need closure blah, blah, blah. I did not respond. A few days later she texts me asking if I have anything to say. My response, you have made your decision and you have your freedom. Fast forward a couple weeks and I run into her at the lake where I take my dogs swimming. I was really cool with everything and non nonchalant. The next afternoon she texts asking if I want to come over to her place to watch a movie. I went over for a couple hours and left. The following weekend I ended up staying the night and in the morning she was in horrible shape. Her friend came over and basically told her she is going to admit her to a rehab center for alcohol and prescription drug abuse. While she was in rehab she texted me once, and I told her please focus on your recovery and maybe we can resume communication once you are released. Today she is doing good and we have resumed communication, albeit on a limited basis. The conversations and texts remind me of when we first started talking, just sarcasm, jokes, etc. - the elements of our conversations that attracted us to each other initially. She is the one initiating contact and gets bent out of shape when I don't respond immediately. I know my story is kind of an extreme example, but when you emotionally remove yourself to a certain degree and come accross as a confident and independent individual it really let's the other person know, "hey I am just fine without you."

 

Every situation is different. Obviously, some people fall out of love or there is abuse involved or a number of other detrimental circumstances. I am not sure I completely agree with NC, but we all have the ability to gauge and assess the circumstances. In my case, she never said she didn't love or care about me; she was confused and probably still is, but that is something I am willing to deal with from a distance and with limited contact.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think it's so so hard to say.

Most on here will say go no contact and even if they contact you to ignore it. Now yes that would work if you don't want them back and are just trying to heal, but if you do want them back then why an earth would you ignore them? To me that doesn't make any sense?

 

Anyway what I'm getting at is nobody knows the situation like you (and your ex). So you can read a ton of advice on here, but it might not be any good to you and your situation, as every relationship and break up is just so personal. There isn't one specific thing you should do or not do after a break up. Do what you feel is right.

 

Now I have ignored the advice from the majority on here before and broke no contact with my ex after 4 weeks (he was the dumper)

and I got good responses and we got back together for over two years... We have no just broken up again however and I don't know if this time it will be so easy to fix.

 

I also have also felt that if you want someone back you should always take that chance. Yes you should wait a while and let things calm down and you should be prepared for not getting the response you want, and I don't mean go in all guns blazing telling them how much then mean to you ect ect. Just a simple text would do. If you do never do anything then of course your never going to get a response. I just think if theres a chance then you should take it.

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