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"Dumpee" contacting the "Dumper"


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I think you are spot on, especially about the mistakes and ego thing. I think it is a real pity when some people think everything should be easy, or realise things are not working but do nothing to actually improve things. I think it is so unrealistic when someone says, oh no it just was too hard, it wasn't working. My ex never actually spoke to me about our issues until he left, if I had of known he was unhappy of course I would have made changes. It saddens me though that for him, it was just too hard.

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I think you are spot on, especially about the mistakes and ego thing. I think it is a real pity when some people think everything should be easy, or realise things are not working but do nothing to actually improve things. I think it is so unrealistic when someone says, oh no it just was too hard, it wasn't working. My ex never actually spoke to me about our issues until he left, if I had of known he was unhappy of course I would have made changes. It saddens me though that for him, it was just too hard.

Whether it was hard or not is irrelevant. Whether you agree with what he did or not, he still made the best decision for his life. At least now you know that he wasn't in it for the long haul, so his "mistake" was your gain is another way of looking at it. And also, from following your story, he really has done you a favour by giving up on you. You really do deserve someone better. In time you will see that this is a blessing in disguise.

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I get what you're saying, but i'm just basing my views on the things i'm observing from the 'older' generation of couples that have come from the 50's-60's

 

My grandparents and parents have been together throughout their lives and neither of them are 100% compatible - How have they stayed together? By simply understanding the concept of what Love is.

 

Love takes on a different form over time and it doesn't form from two people who are 'perfect' for eachother. This is false thinking and has derived from all the things we've been lead to believe in modern society and the media specifically.

 

In my understanding, we're given too much independence to a level where a mutual bond just doesn't exist anymore. The understanding of the phrase "From richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health" is now taken at surface value.

 

It's not that we have to find the 'perfect' person in order to have a 'perfect' relationship - But about being with someone with flaws you are willing to learn and deal with because of the love you have for that person and vice versa. It's how relationships flourish, by learning and growing from and with each other and thus strengthening the love you have.

 

This simply doesn't exist anymore in modern society and it breaks my heart to see it unfold in the way that it has - It will only get worse. Look at the statistics...

Edited by Maverick1984
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^^I like that. It is true that the value and dedication to relationships has dwindled and suffered over the years and while some "old-school" marriages lasted longer than they should, they are a true testament to what commitment is all about. It takes equal amounts of effort on both sides for it to work and sometimes pride and ego must be set aside for the end goal to be achieved. A lot of people don't want to deal with the challenges anymore and want to give up at the first sign of trouble.

 

In reference to other comments, unless some posters have a crystal ball, which if you do please predict my future, no one can speak for how some dumpers or dumpees feel unless you ask them or they tell you. People's minds change and all sorts of seemingly impossible situations have turned around. So to assume how any one person is feeling and apply that to every other living person, is silly.

 

Maybe some dumpers, and dumpees still as well, can post their thoughts based upon what happened to them in their lives to clear up some of the debates that keep swirling around here. Conjecture and theory is never-ending, that's why I wanted actual stories from readers' lives that can't be argued with and that speak for themselves. I like that there are a combination of circumstances posted here with a variety of conclusions. That's what I was hoping for and am benefitting from, as opposed to being told how it is as if it's finite without the person knowing for sure.

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I can give a bit from both sides, as my ex/currently in reconcilation has told me his thinking going thru this break-up.

 

He gave me "the speech" -- -my feelings for you have changed, I don't want to lead you on, I need a break. I got up and walked out, went back 10 days later to clarify things.

 

He asked for "time" due to many stresses going on in his life - work, health, $$, family.

 

I went NC (or let go w/ love) for 2 months, and then we ran into each other at local shop. Talked for 10 minutes about nothing...yet very pleasant. No follow up by me or him. Six weeks later I sent text as I heard his best friend was going thru serious (as in coma) medical crisis....said he could call me if he needed someone to talk to.....heard NOTHING.

 

Ten days later he called and then showed up --- got the Love you/Miss you/ Want a future with you/I'm sorry speech that everyone on this site dreams of and we talked hours. We are 2+ months into reconciling, and in the course of that time he has shared this with me:

 

1. Your respecting my request for space showed me how much you respect me, and my need to fix my problems myself.

2. Seeing you, and you seemed so happy, let me focus on what I still needed to do without thinking about how I was hurting you (he knew he had, and would eventually deal with it, but at the time he still had way too much on his plate).

3. That I had handled it with "grace" and that took the pressure off of him, and made him realize that I was the person he wanted to spend his life with.

 

So, did I want to contact him? Hell yes. I had to talk myself out of it daily at some points. But I realized that to honor the man and the relationship, I had to hear what he was saying, and that was to give him time.

 

Was I ready to walk away after 100 days? Yes, in fact I was. And, that is when he came back.

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The only thing I would like to add to this, as I agree with all of it is that now modern society mostly has an idea of what love is. True love is not only accepting those flaws, but also understanding the person and their flaws. You can understand their flaws because you also look deeply within yourself and them. If we don't do this true love can't exist. We won't know our partner and their flaws. It is comforting to me that there are acutally people out there that understand this.

 

And mhowe great example

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I can't really comment on whether it's a good or bad thing that there is such an increase in divorce. Perhaps it isn't a good OR bad thing... it just IS. One could also argue that perhaps many people got married even though they were incompatible, but now because divorce is very, very common, they feel less like they have to stick it out forever in a relationship that is unfulfilling. And as a child of separated parents, IMO, it's a much better option for children to have two sepearate, co-operative happy parents, than those that do not want to be together. But I suppose that is an argument for another day.

 

Whether or not you or I think it is right that someone has left a relationship instead of working on it, is irrelevant though. All you can do is accept that it HAS happened - and if they other person doesn't want to work on things, you can't control them, even if you disagree with the relationship. And, like I said, if a dumper has left the relationship instead of trying to work things out, then what can you do? They know themselves best, and if they think it's the best option then they have done what is right for them. And see it like this - if your aim of dating someone is to marry and be in it for the long haul, then your ex has done you a favour by NOT marrying you, if they don't see themselves having a long future with you, and if they feel that it's not worth working out.

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A perfect example of if someone asks for space - if you love and respect both your ex AND yourself - you need to give them all the space in the world. Even if you ex invites YOU to contact them, ignore it. Because once your ex has had space to think, AND if they have decided they want to be with you, THEY will contact you if that is what they want.

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Most breakups are mistakes - I know that sounds controversia

 

I wouldn't use the word "controversial".

 

More like just plain wrong if not one of the more bizarre things I've read on these boards.

 

I've been the dumper in most of the relationships I've been in over the better part of the last decade, and each one gave me more insight on exactly what I was looking for in a woman, and each relationship was better than the one before. The woman I'm with now, for the past 6 months is by far the most compatible of any of them, and I never would have found her if I was still beating my head against the wall trying to force something to work that just didn't have the potential. If and when things start to go south, if talking out the problems and communicating to the best of our abilities doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere... well then it's onwards and forwards. There's a lot of beautiful women out there, sort of like a buffet of life, so to speak. Why settle?

 

Seriously your post just rings of someone who has been dumped and cannot accept that the person who dumped them really just doesn't want them in their lives and they're happy with their decision and their off finding someone who is a better match for them.

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I actually agree with Mav a little bit on this. Except I won't agree Most are mistake but I do think many are. I think many break ups are from lack of "know how". For instance two of my friends who dated for 7 years broke up and 1.5 years later they got back together and they are still together 3 years later. What they learned in there time apart was communication. I heard this independently from both of them after my break up 4 months ago. If they had the foresight they could have potentially fixed these problems in the relationship if they knew how. There break up both of them would consider a mistake. But I would agree most of my friends who break up should just stay apart. Most should never get back.

 

I think that's Mav's point. Sometimes you need to just stick out and learn because eventually you are probably going to have to. I mean if every girl you meet is better than the las why not break up with this one? There's better one around the corner. Plus you've only been dating her for 6 months. I don't know how long you really let you relationships go but you don't really get to know someone until a coupe years in.

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^^Thanks NCforME for giving more examples of successful reconciliations, which will benefit those of us wanting to read encouraging comments. They also contradict all of the naysayers that insist on posting negative comments that are irrelevant to the topic of the thread and keep perpetuating never-ending arguments and tension.

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I think that's Mav's point. Sometimes you need to just stick out and learn because eventually you are probably going to have to. I mean if every girl you meet is better than the las why not break up with this one? There's better one around the corner. Plus you've only been dating her for 6 months. I don't know how long you really let you relationships go but you don't really get to know someone until a coupe years in.

And what if you've been dating someone for six months but you know that the attraction has worn off and that you two simply aren't compatible? It sounds like a good reason to break up, if you ask me.

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And what if you've been dating someone for six months but you know that the attraction has worn off and that you two simply aren't compatible? It sounds like a good reason to break up, if you ask me.

 

True, attraction shouldn't wear off in the first six months. The first six months of a relationship should be the honeymoon phase. I'm really just referring to LTR where attraction is bound to wear off at some point. Its about knowing how to get it back that is important.

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True, attraction shouldn't wear off in the first six months. The first six months of a relationship should be the honeymoon phase. I'm really just referring to LTR where attraction is bound to wear off at some point. Its about knowing how to get it back that is important.

There are some people that break up as soon as attraction and the honeymoon stage wears off, but if your ex is one of those people, what can you do? You really wouldn't know whether it just got "too hard" for them, or whether they have an unrealistic idea of love, or whether they truly didn't feel that you were The One. But still, at the end of the day, they've still done what they have felt was right for their own life, so all you can do is react from that and move on. And whether or not you judge whether the reason was good enough for them to leave is irrelevant because it has already been done and it just is.

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^^And once again, no one here is a mind reader and instead of ASSuming, which we know what that does, some of us are willing to ASK the other person instead of applying the same, obvious approach that isn't necessarily going to result in the truth or provide any answers. And if someone wants to reach out to their ex, LET THEM do it in peace! It's like it's some people's mission to disrupt attempts at happiness or allowing others to take a risk that may be succeed, at any cost. Even though countless examples of successful reconciliations are stated time and time again. Facts not Fiction, please!

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I mean if every girl you meet is better than the las why not break up with this one? There's better one around the corner. Plus you've only been dating her for 6 months. I don't know how long you really let you relationships go but you don't really get to know someone until a coupe years in.

 

Because I'm looking for a woman to spend a good part of the rest of my life with. The serial dating is a means to an end. After 6 months this relationhip is going quite well, we've hit a couple of bumps in the road but we've sat and gone through the problems in excrutiating detail and have worked out compromise and she's opened my eyes about things I do that need some work, while acknowledging she's also got some work to do. The attraction and intimacy is great and we have a lot of fun together.

 

The relationships that I ended, one was 1.5 years the other was 2 years. They were happy as things were, I was miserable, several times I brought up the issues and it just fell on deaf ears, so finally I said screw this and I pulled the plug.

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Because I'm looking for a woman to spend a good part of the rest of my life with. The serial dating is a means to an end. After 6 months this relationhip is going quite well, we've hit a couple of bumps in the road but we've sat and gone through the problems in excrutiating detail and have worked out compromise and she's opened my eyes about things I do that need some work, while acknowledging she's also got some work to do. The attraction and intimacy is great and we have a lot of fun together.

 

The relationships that I ended, one was 1.5 years the other was 2 years. They were happy as things were, I was miserable, several times I brought up the issues and it just fell on deaf ears, so finally I said screw this and I pulled the plug.

 

Yeah, most of us are on the other end. We didn't listen. My ears were deaf. But I guess that's part of the point. It wasn't a compatibility issue so much as they haven't understood yet that they need to listen like your current girl. I didn't listen. So as long as we were getting along we were fine. When fights happened it got bad because we moved to LDR and I didn't listen. Even though we hardly fought. By the time I was willing to listen I guess she didn't believe me anymore.

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Tresqua & NC, I agree with both of your posts in regards to at least attempting to address and resolve the issues. I appreciate that mindset, instead of someone who gives up on the relationship without putting in much effort or giving up at the first sign of trouble. Unfortunately, some of us aren't approached about the issues or given adequate time to try to fix any of them before the other calls it quits. My ex and I had issues, some more difficult than others, that we could have tried to overcome. All relationships do, but I wonder if when some folks enter a relationship, they realize the amount of work it takes and are willing to put it in. But clearly there has to be a strong desire or ability to tackle issues from both parties. And usually you don't find out how willing they are until that adversity arises, despite what they may have said before. Mentioning it isn't enough. There needs to be a desire to come up with a game plan and to stick to it. If more couples did that, maybe there wouldn't be so many on the breakup/divorce forum! Lol. Anyhoo, do any other readers have personal accounts of reconnecting with an ex that they would like to share? That's really the point of this thread, which is why I keep saying that, since it's gotten off-topic several times and I've been trying to keep it on track.

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I think the dumpee can initiate contact. I just wouldn't do it incessantly. Like maybe once a month unless they make a move to connect. This should also be after a period of no contact. You have to give the space. Most reconciliations I have noted on here and the ones I've seen have been in LC at some point. You do have to be very careful how you do it though. I don't by NC until they fall down on your door step begging. If you do make contact or if they do, you need to give clues that you are and willing to continue to work on the complaints because they will not trust you. After all they probably felt as if they have already asked you and you did not respond. So you have to drop clues that you are changing and maturing for the better. I think that's the best you can do and there are no guarantees.

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This is a great thread, thanks for posting it. I'd like to ask, if the breakup ended on bad terms - after going through months of messy contact and fights over the breakup, and the dumpee was really hurt that they kind of closed the door on being friends or communicating one day (the dumper has mentioned before that they would like to remain in contact), how would the dumpee approach the dumper since they have rejected (in the heat of the moment) being friends with them again? I truly believe that a period of NC would be necessary, but IF there was a desire from the dumpee to contact the dumper and to truly try to fix the broken friendship that once was very successful (whether it resulted in a possible reconciliation or not), how would you describe the best approach? I hope I made it clear...

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