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"Dumpee" contacting the "Dumper"


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I am the dumpee and my ex left me for someone else last summer. As posted in another thread, I reached out to my ex for the first time about two months after the break up, hoping he may have changed his mind. Well, he didn't. He replied to my email, but kind of forced me to go NC. He let me know, he was happy with his new girfriend and that she has a problem with him being in touch with me and that he understands her, too. He wished my a nicer future and good luck for my exams (end of this year). Well, I got that message. I haven't heard from him since, nor have I initiated contact again.

 

I still think of him, miss him and have feelings for him, but I know, I have no other choice than sticking to NC, since he is with someone else and I don't want to intefere in their relationship and no matter how much I wished, things were different, I have to accept and respect his choice. There is nothing I can do to change the situation. And I know I can't make him change his mind, nor do I want it, I know, it has to come from within him and not because I convinced him he made a mistake or because he feels guilty or anything like that. Maybe he truly made the right choice and she truly is "the one" for him. Only he will know it one day... it's not in my hands anymore....

 

I must admit though, that I don't regret having broken NC back then, since it was the final push I needed for me to see it's truly over with us and to focus on my healing and try my best to move on, to see, OK, I have tried everything possible I could, he knows, how I feel about him, but still he sticks to his choice, since it obviously seems to have been the right thing for him to do.

 

Maybe once, in a few years or sth, when I'm fully healed and don't care about him at all anymore, when I don't care whether he replies or what his answer will be, I'll contact him again, I don't know yet. To be honest, I can't imagine ever being friends with him, though.

 

But for now and the nearer future, I don't see any sense in reaching out and initating contact with him once more... what would it change? He has obviously moved on and is happy with someone else and she has a problem with him talking to his ex, which I can understand, too... So I better stay away, disappear, too and let things work out the way they should... who knows what the future holds for me?! And if he ever changed his mind, he knows where he can find me... I think, I have done my part...

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Personally, i think anyone who has that feeling of contacting their exes has simply not been rejected enough times yet.

 

It takes a certain number of harsh breakups and rejections from people until you begin to take a step back and realise how you don't deserve the type of treatment you're receiving - Developing a thick skin and a spine takes time which once built, makes it all the more worthwhile.

 

Until then, try and forget your exes as they will not be coming back until they decide to do so - Nothing we can do to change it.

 

Don't let people take advantage of you, especially exes and people you're interested in.

 

I'm in a position now where i'm more than happy to walk away and not look back the minute i feel i'm being played with, if my advances aren't reciprocated or if my expectations aren't met - regardless of how beautiful or special she thinks she is.

 

Have standards and never break them - You'll find that people will begin to respect you more and life will begin to feel a little easier.

Edited by Maverick1984
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If I was you, I would try to avoid being in places where she's likely to be, i.e. your common friends.

 

As the BU is still relatively fresh, you don't really need to put yourself through the pain of seeing her.

I made the mistake of returning to the singles group where I met my former NEAR-fiance.

It killed me to see her and return to the thoughts I once had of her. I could see her notice me, then have her eyes looking at something else.

 

Like another guy there who got dumped by one of the group's members, it finally hit me I didn't really need to be somewhere where she was.

 

If some event comes up and there's a chance she might be there, ask your friends if she's likely to be there. If they say yes, then politely beg off. They'll understand.

 

Your emotional health is more important now.

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Actually, the funny thing is that she is the one who few days before said she wasn't coming. I guess she was too nervous to see me. She didn't decide to come until that morning. I was on my way when I found out she decided to actually come. It was fine though, the world didn't end. The story about the encounter is at the beginning of the thread I believe. She seems more nervous around me than I am of her. Obviously she still has feelings for me, however misconstrued they are lol.

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^Surely though, if they'd accepted the break up and moved on, THEN contacted you some months later in a friendly, approachable manner, not hinting to reconciliation whatsoever, you'd respect that and be happy to catch up?

 

Neither relationship ended terribly. The first one, she worked all the time, she was always tired, I got bored, my feelings dropped off, and I eventually realized it was pointless to continue. The second was doing the needy clingy thing, not giving me enough space and I just got turned off after a while. In both cases I made both women aware of the problems I was having in the relationship and it fell on deaf ears. Either they wouldn't or couldn't make the changes and that was the end of it. Neither one of them took it well, once they finally dropped off the radar for good I was quite relieved and I have no interest whatsoever in ever hearing from either one of them again.

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@Tresqua...Well, when you explain it like that, you don't seem as heartless, but I don't like when it's assumed all dumpees are desperate, clingy, psycho bug-a-boos that always make a fool of themselves and are desperately clutching at their exes. I only texted my ex once about a serious issue that didn't have to do with the relationship, but he didn't reply as it was only a few days after we'd split and he probably couldn't handle it. But I'm sure he's shocked he hasn't heard a peep from me since and in perfect timing, I got a job elsewhere, so that I wouldn't see him at the one where we both worked and where we met. I think that was no small coincidence and allowed me to heal more easily. Although seeing him on the fly, might have made things less awkward. So I know he's curious about what I've been up to.

 

I wish my ex had given us an opportunity to work on our issues and tried to communicate better ways to make improvements. So I give you credit for at least trying to make the relationship work before bailing and understand why you are keeping it moving. He did mention certain concerns and I would try to ease his mind, but I guess that was more than even I could do. I think we both realized we had some pretty hard-to-surmount issues, like an age gap, being an interracial couple and him having hatin-ass friends, on top of his other issues I believe related to insecurity/lack of confidence. I wanted to create a united front and resolve our issues as a team, but he wasn't ready to ride that train. I'm sure he regrets it, so I may still reach out eventually, but would really prefer he do so first. I do really believe we had great potential, but got caught up in our issues.

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That's a good and interesting read of your relationship issues and him dumping you. Glad you posted it.

 

Don't think it was good of you to go after another poster in this thread. The other poster here has done a lot to help dumpees heal and get over their heartbreak. She didn't need you needling and nagging her. Just my 2 cents.

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^^Well, thanks for the first part of your comment, because I try to offer support and have an alternative view of relationships and reconciliation. In relation to your second comment, why rehash something that was water under the bridge and not contribute to the thread with a comment about your own story? "Needling and nagging?" Interesting choice of words, but I know I don't do that and that isn't what I was doing. I would say the poster in question, if I'm to assume to whom you refer, does that sort of thing all of the time. I don't need them posting the same advice on here, seen on countless other threads time and time again, when they have nothing to do with the subject at hand.

 

But since they may "help" others, that gives them the right to brow-beat and dominate threads with their opinion, but no one can challenge them on the same views they repeat endlessly? While some people's posts help some, you can best believe there are others who don't benefit from some poster's approach on this site and have made that clear many times. I just wanted this thread to stay on a more positive note and to let the personal accounts speak for themselves, so that readers could come to their own conclusions about what to do. And not be TOLD what to do. There's a big difference. You can't argue with facts, although some try, and opinions are just that, personal viewpoints. Since part of your comment was positive, I'll still consider it a good contribution to the thread.

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I think sometimes it's possible that the dumper is in denial just as much or more than the dumpee after a breakup. The dumper may feel that their reasons for breaking up were completely justified when in reality they were made solely on emotion and out of anger. If the dumpee can somehow ease their way back into the dumper's life then possibly they will see that maybe breaking up wasn't the best decision. If you REALLY and TRULY love someone then IMO you should do anything (legal) to get them back because at one time they expressed that same love to you as well. Not everything is always so black and white. Relationships aren't based on logic but rather emotion. Of course, the logical thing to do would be to back off and move on, but on the flip side of things, it also would have been more logical to work out the issues in the first place instead of breaking up. Sometimes logic won't get you anywhere in life. If no one ever pursued anything they truly loved (in any aspect of life) then we would have nothing. You don't stop sending in that resume because you never got a call back. You don't quit playing an instrument because you can't learn how to play that song. You don't give up on your child because they oppose every thing you do. You go after what you love because in the end, if it's GENUINE love and you truly have changed, then BOTH people will be happy. Both people will be better off because a once beautiful love has been restored and become better than the first time.

 

Of course you have to draw the line at some point. If you have been attempting contact for a couple of weeks every now and then and have received no reply in return then you should accept and do your best to move on. I do agree that there is that very significant risk of being hurt all over again, but if you get them back then you'll remember the hurt and be thankful you experienced the growth that it forced upon you.

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^^Very well-stated and thanks for bringing the thread back on topic. I was also thinking recently that a job search is similar to love and relationships. Because you do get rejected, knocked around and your emotions put on a rollercoaster based upon the circumstances. But if you want it or to succeed badly enough, then you do have to put your pride aside sometimes and go for it. You may be disappointed and not like the results, but sometimes you may achieve positive results and the effort will be worth it all in the end. I've just recently been through some job situations that required some action, patience and faith, but it all worked out in the end.

 

It's interesting that when it does come to matters of the heart, a lot of other principles used in real life go out the window, because it's supposed to be better to be safe. But better for who? Sometimes you should go with your gut and let your end goal guide you. But within reason and without being annoying or desperate, although I've heard of reconciliations where either side has been very persistent and it worked. I wouldn't recommend that, but if I do feel something is worth it, then I'll pursue it without hesitation. Though my pride will let me know when it's time to move on. Just like in the stock market, high risk, high return. Joswsieg do you want to share some of your experiences that relate to your post?

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The process of looking for a job is very similar to a relationship breakup when the dumpee is pursuing the dumper. That's just it though; no one who 'looks' for a job ever gets the job. You can go out and apply at every place in town all day long, but if you don't show drive and perseverance then you won't snag it. The ones who get the job are the ones that work for it and earn it. Same thing applies to a reconciliation attempt. You can think about contacting your ex all day and night and wallow in your own self pity hoping one day for a call -OR- you can put together a plan of action, follow your heart, and make that call yourself. Sure, sometimes those gut decision get thrown right back in our faces but we learn from it and move on if that happens. I can tell you one thing though, if I was the dumper and never got a call from my ex I would assume that they're doing just fine without me. I would go ahead and figure that they have moved on and are in a better place in life without me in it. That is one of those things I like to call a 'CORE ASSUMPTION'.

A core assumption is a basic belief we all as humans have about something. We subconsciously assume certain things about the world universally. For example, gravity. We automatically assume, no matter who we are or what are background may be, that when we throw a stone in the air that it will fall back down to the ground. Why do we believe this? It's simple- because we haven't been proven otherwise. The same thing applies in this situation. As a human being, no matter who you are, you are going to automatically assume that if someone never attempts to make contact with you that they are doing fine without you. If my friend Joe hasn't called me in two years I'm going to assume he either A) doesn't want anything to do with me, B) is off doing his own thing and doesn't have room for me in his life at the moment, or C) that he has moved on without me as a friend in his life and therefore has no need or want for me. Guess what? If I haven't called Joe in two years either then he will be thinking those exact same things about me too!

Sometimes it's better to look past your core assumptions and TAKE A CHANCE, because truthfully, you never really know the outcome. She/he could be waiting on your call right this very second! Or they could be contemplating a restraining order- assuming won't give you the answer. What if one day you went outside and threw that stone up in the air and it never came back down? You would be fascinated, amazed, and most likely, very pleasantly surprised. What if you made the phone call, sent that text, or shot that email and actually got a good response? What if you actually achieved your goal? You would have been proved otherwise. People don't realize how many aspects of our lives canbe hindered because of stupid assumptions. How many times did you get in a fight with your ex because you assumed something? ----EXACTLY.

If the stone happens to fall back down again after a few tries then obviously throwing it back up again isn't going to solve anything; but at least you tried. If your ex ignores your calls or tells you to take a hike then at least you'll know you did all you could to avoid the long trek home.

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As a dumper who finally had enough of the way I was being treated, but hoped in my heart that we could eventually reconcile after some time apart and some breathing room, contact from the dumpee has been weird actually. At first he was very cruel and mean for a week, then he was warm and loving for a week, then cold for a week and now nothing. I didn't necessarily want to go no contact as i would like to try to work through our problems. I love this person dearly, but cannot tolerate some very serious issues. It's interesting - in my case, I'm taking his no contact as a sign that he has no interest in solving our problems. Just food for thought. Not saying NC doesn't work, it most definitely does in many situations - just not sure it's perfect for all situations.

 

I should also note that I've been the dumpee with this person several times and always did NC or LC until he came around. This time I'm the dumper and it is a very different situation. He's initiated all of the contact until dropping off the face of the earth a few days ago. Maybe he's trying to NC me, I don't know lol.

Edited by alwayshope
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Very interesting and encouraging observations indeed that are different from what's normally stated around here. Some people almost get guilted by some into not reaching out or following what they're gut is telling them. It's only human. So would you like to share how your real-life "science experiment" worked out? Lol. From your posts, I gather you may have tried to reconcile in relationships or been receptive to it and I'm curious about what happened. If you don't want to say here, PM me if you like. I believe in pretty much everything you say, but as the dumpee, you may think that the dumper has moved on or is disinterested as well, which is why you haven't heard from them and why you don't or are hesitant to make contact.

 

Especially, if your attempts at communication have fallen upon deaf ears or in my case, I said the door would be open and he could come back, but even he knows that can't mean forever. I wonder if he even remembers me saying that. Part of it is a pride thing. Since they left me, they should come back to me too! So, there is just a lot of fear of rejection AGAIN from the dumpee's perspective and other emotions that determine what actions you take and the reason a lot may think it best to wait for them to contact you or walk away all together. I just have to wait for the time I feel most comfortable with reaching out to him and taking the chance, because I know he's the scary type and if he reaches out to me, it won't be for a while. Hopefully he'll prove me wrong.

 

 

 

This is an interesting situation. Like a power struggle; turning of the tables. At least you were willing to take him back and try to work on things. Some people give up on situations too easily. Why a lot of relationships don't work these days.

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The process of looking for a job is very similar to a relationship breakup when the dumpee is pursuing the dumper. That's just it though; no one who 'looks' for a job ever gets the job. You can go out and apply at every place in town all day long, but if you don't show drive and perseverance then you won't snag it. The ones who get the job are the ones that work for it and earn it.

 

I'll see your analogy, and raise you a metaphor... Forget the whole employment thing. There's still a boss and a subordinate (and no relationship unemployment insurance). What it needs to be is a partnership with equal controlling interests in the corporation...

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Wow this is how me and my ex boyfriend broke up 7 weeks ago. I miss him dearly and haven't seen him since the breakup. We have had limited contact. He still has things of mine to drop off, so we have to see each other face to face at some stage. I'm hoping my outcome is like yours. He did tell me in one phone call that he still loved me, but we are not getting back together.

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The process of looking for a job is very similar to a relationship breakup when the dumpee is pursuing the dumper. ...I can tell you one thing though, if I was the dumper and never got a call from my ex I would assume that they're doing just fine without me. I would go ahead and figure that they have moved on and are in a better place in life without me in it.

 

Nice try at an analogy but it fails because we're talking about a completely different set of emotions and dynamics here.

 

"If" the dumper regretted their decision and missed the dumpee, the natural reaction would NOT be to think "Oh, they're fine without me, I guess I gotta find someone else". Its going to be, I want the person back, it's about me and my needs and therefore regardless of whether or not I will cause the dumpee more pain, set them back in their healing, and maybe dump them yet again, I'm going to do what suits me the best and right now, that means contacting them.

 

Sure there are exceptions to every rule but I'm thinking my way is going to be the route taken most often. People are selfish, they're thinking about themselves first. In fact, most relationships are like that. Why do we love someone? Because they make US feel good, they meet OUR needs, they satisfy OUR emotions. So we give it back. It works, sometimes.. but it's based on a person's instinctive drive towards self preservation. As soon as that person isn't doing it for us.. they've become expendible.

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"If" the dumper regretted their decision and missed the dumpee, the natural reaction would NOT be to think "Oh, they're fine without me, I guess I gotta find someone else". Its going to be, I want the person back, it's about me and my needs and therefore regardless of whether or not I will cause the dumpee more pain, set them back in their healing, and maybe dump them yet again, I'm going to do what suits me the best and right now, that means contacting them.

 

I see what you're saying but I disagree with you. Often times pride will get in the way of someone's decision to go back no matter what their specific needs are. The dumper may be embarrassed for things they said during the breakup and feel a need to save face as a result. People certainly are selfish but when it comes to a breakup the dynamics change entirely. Especially if a significant amount of time has passed without contact. If the dumpee has made no attempt at contact then the dumper will think that they have moved on and therefore will not risk rejection by calling the dumpee back.

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I see what you're saying but I disagree with you. Often times pride will get in the way of someone's decision to go back no matter what their specific needs are. The dumper may be embarrassed for things they said during the breakup and feel a need to save face as a result. People certainly are selfish but when it comes to a breakup the dynamics change entirely. Especially if a significant amount of time has passed without contact. If the dumpee has made no attempt at contact then the dumper will think that they have moved on and therefore will not risk rejection by calling the dumpee back.

 

I honestly feel that if someone is felling the heartache the dumpee is going through, pride will not stand in their way. Just like time will ease some of the intensity of the pain from the person who`s been left, time will also tender the pride of the person who left.

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I struggle with this. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." I think most people on this board (including me) are hurt and vulnerable, and the NC thing is great for healing and rebuilding your wounded sense of dignity. Also, it prevents you from making an ass of yourself and driving the dumper farther away. But I also feel like, if you really love someone, what's wrong with fighting for the relationship?

 

Anyhoo... to respond to the thread, in my experience, my "reaching out" after being dumped never resulted in a reconciliation, and it was only after I'd stopped contacting my dumper that the dumper "came back." But who knows, maybe those first attempts sowed seeds tht bore fruit later? You know, gave them something to think about.

 

This time, it was a shorter relationship, and I just spoke my peace, and told her I'd be stepping away since I didn't want to just be her friend. It's been two weeks, she lives a few houses away and it hurts like hell but I'm resisting my urge to contact her.

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Solid advice, Nick.

 

A NEAR-fiance I dated for 6 mos. at 26 (have posted about this) dumped me and I foolishly tried to contact her shortly after the devastating breakup. Knew nothing about NC. Was like hitting my head against the wall, which may have been more productive than my asking her to return

 

Have entertained thoughts of reconnecting with her, but after reading NC threads, decided to let it be. If I needed to get back in touch, would have been better to have attempted that perhaps a year or two after the breakup.

 

Plus, my last name is fairly unique and easily found online. If she really wanted to reconnect, am sure would have heard by now.

 

Dumpees: the other still has your phone numbers and emails.

You got your chance with the EX. It's not that you weren't a great person, but now he/she wants something else.

 

Me thinks it's best to let them make the first move.

Edited by ClarenceRutherford
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Well, let's see... this sounds completely ridiculous, but I was with my ex for nearly 4 years, but was noncommittal. I loved her, and we got along great, there were just a few reasons why I was reluctant to take things to the next level. For this, I deserved to be dumped and I was. As life would have it, my mother became ill at the exact time and my days for the next 8 months were spent in the hospital and with immediate family. Trying to get the ex back wasn't an option at this point - though I thought of her all the time and rally missed not having her support.

 

I ended up writing her an apology letter once our family situation came to a conclusion. Initially I didn't receive any response. At this point, I figured, oh well, I tried. About 3 months later, I received an email from her. I was shocked to say the least. It was tough to know which way she was leaning though. Most of the letter said how much she enjoyed the relationship, how well I'd treated her, and how she'd even missed me afterwards (even while dating someone else). But she also spoke about these things all in past tense - didn't really offer any clear hints at a future.

 

To attempt to clear things up, I sent another letter, this time making my intentions and feelings extremely clear. At this point, she responded again, and in a very positive way. She texted me and we spent a few hours reminiscing. I couldn't believe it. She then initiated a dinner meeting the next night. I actually thought I was getting a second chance here. Things went very well. Well, long story short, she ended up telling me the next night - via text nonetheless, that she hopes I understand that she just wants to maybe be friends. I was floored. I tried to convince myself that I could attempt to be friends, but within a week, realized there was no way. Some people can do it I guess, but when one person still has strong feelings, I don't think there's any way it can be done.

 

Anyway, so I was the dumpee and I made the first move. I still sometimes wonder, if I'd never made that move, would I have ever heard anything? Who knows...

 

The thing that bothers me most is the fact that I allowed myself to act desperate at the very end of what I thought was a chance at reconciliation. I never, ever acted desperate throughout the entire relationship. Oh well. Live and learn

 

I guess the point of my story is though, that I have no regrets with having tried. It was something I had to do.

Edited by Jeffrey01
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A more apt metaphor would be that someone has ALREADY employed you and they KNOW what it like to have you around and have you employed for them. But your boss has chosen to fire you. So that example of sending out resumes doesn't really work because when you are sending out resumes, the company has never heard of you before, but in the case being dumped, your ex HAS "employed" you and are no longer required of your services. I'm sure, like an employer, though, that if they feel that you were an asset to the company (the dumper) and you did leave with dignity without making a fool of yourself (much like if you were fired, you should act the same way), then your past employer/dumper has your details and are more than capable of giving you a call to see whether you're still looking for a job/single.

 

Actually, it was your ex (the dumper) that has given up on YOU. So if anything, the onus is on THEIR shoulders to contact you should they want to try again and if they regret their decision of giving up. If you've been dumped, there is nothing for you to give up on because you weren't the one that gave up in the first place. However, perhaps to your ex, it wasn't giving up at all. It should probably be safely assumed that they were dumping you to give themselves a better opportunity for their own life, and not giving up at all - perhaps to figure out what they want, or to find someone more compatible, or someone that they can picture themselves marrying one day.

 

So to contact the dumper to basically tell them that the opportunity is there for them is just sad (because you haven't taken the hint), but also insulting to the dumper because it is YOU that is assuming that they have made a mistake, when they have thought things through and probably have not made a mistake in their eyes (otherwise they'd swallow their pride and contact you, right? You are worth a simple text, aren't you?)

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I see what you're saying but I disagree with you. Often times pride will get in the way of someone's decision to go back no matter what their specific needs are. The dumper may be embarrassed for things they said during the breakup and feel a need to save face as a result. People certainly are selfish but when it comes to a breakup the dynamics change entirely. Especially if a significant amount of time has passed without contact. If the dumpee has made no attempt at contact then the dumper will think that they have moved on and therefore will not risk rejection by calling the dumpee back.

Why should the dumper even think "oh, well I dumped the love of my life and caused them immense confusion and pain - but THEY aren't calling ME, so I guess I shouldn't take the risk to see whether they want me back." Please.

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Why should the dumper even think "oh, well I dumped the love of my life and caused them immense confusion and pain - but THEY aren't calling ME, so I guess I shouldn't take the risk to see whether they want me back." Please.

 

You give some brilliant advice Dramallama, but don't rule it out.

 

Most dumpers steer clear just so they could save face and not have to deal with the reality of why they're doing what they're doing. It's the reason why most dumpers end up falsely bad mouthing the person they've dumped to their friends in order to make themselves feel better about their decision and to validate their ego and preserve their value.

 

Most breakups happen for very different reasons. But at the core, it's due to because of one person taking the other for granted and using that as the basis of moving on. Deep down, dumpers know this and don't want to deal with it up front - They know that they could have made things work if they wanted to, but at the same time don't want to be the first to admit it by initiating contact due to being the first to break it. They will have to be willing to accept they've made a mistake which hardly ever happens - To me that's not love, that's plain EGO. A person who truly loves someone wouldn't just let go so easily.

 

Most breakups are mistakes - I know that sounds controversial, but honestly every person on this planet is worthy of a healthy and loving relationship. All it takes is a certain degree of consciousness, maturity, communication and transparency.

 

As long as that exists, then i can't see why a relationship wouldn't work and if it doesn't, how anyone could ever get hurt due to knowing up front what to expect and cutting things off before a relationship ever happens.

 

In addition to the fact that every one has the potential to improve and make themselves into better people over time; theres simply no excuses. So for a dumper to dump would seem illogical due to the idea that they'll have dumped a better person they initially met and became attracted to which doesn't make any sense. It's just pure laziness and not willing to stick around and understand the fact that a healthy relationship takes work, and not expect things to be like a Disney movie - Relationships aren't fairytales.

 

A successful relationship doesn't come on a plate - It takes work and effort to keep it going. If you consider the times we're living in now where 'instant gratification' is what makes people compelled to want to do things, it's no wonder why divorce rates are so high.

Edited by Maverick1984
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But what makes you think that it was a mistake? What if a dumper fell out of love, genuinely, because they know their own feelings best, and they knew inside their heart that they couldn't go on anymore with the relationship - mostly because it's wasting their own time to find someone they truly could settle down with (the purpose of dating)? That could summarise most break-ups, apart from cheating and abuse. It sounds like a pretty good reason to dump someone, IMO, and not a mistake to me. The REAL mistake would be if they continued a relationship with you when they felt their heart wasn't in it.

 

I understand what you are saying about not just giving up on a relationship, but if a dumper has thought things through (as they do), and decided that they don't want to consider that option, then if they want to up and leave, who are you to try and stop them? You can't make someone stay if they don't want to, and it's probably better that they do leave if they aren't in it for the long haul. Better for you to find out sooner rather than later. I'm not saying that you or I or even the dumpee has to necessarily agree with their decision, however, we are not in the dumper's shoes so we can't say what is best for them - only they can. And if they say they are done, then respect their opinion and stay away.

 

I disagree that it's always a mistake for people to be dumped. It's only a mistake if the dumper turns around and says it was a mistake (ie they regret doing it and want to be together). But if they don't, then it's not. And perhaps even if the dumper didn't make a mistake, perhaps you could think, as the dumpee, that it wasn't a mistake either - because they have done YOU a favour by letting you go if they don't want to put effort into the relationship anymore, for whatever reason that they see fit, whether you feel it's justified or not.

 

I know that you want to make dumpees feel better, but I think that it can be done in a way that also respects the dumpers decision-making process for their own lives, but also lets the dumpees know that everything happens for a reason and that they are still great people, even if the dumper didn't think they were great enough to have a relationship anymore - because it's just one person's opinion, after all. I think the focus should be more on that by dumping you, the dumper has opened up doors of opportunity for someone else to come along that does want to be with you.

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