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"Dumpee" contacting the "Dumper"


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I think once you are at this stage with zero expectations to get back together, most dumpees don't feel the want or need to contact their dumper anyway. Because they are too busy living their own new life to bother with digging up the past and the potential hurt that could arise from that. So most dumpees that are contacting their ex DO have expectations, no matter how much they say they don't. I'm sure if your ex changes their mind, they will stay in touch - they know how to use a phone. But it's easier on the dumpee's ego to say that they are "scared" to contact you (after THEY have dumped you). Sorry, but if someone can't even send me a simple text, then they don't deserve to have me back.

 

Except most people have intertwined lives with their dumper so they are bound to have to talk to them at some point.

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Is it really worth the pain, though? Also, one could argue that if you had to contact your ex first, they truly didn't want to reconcile.

 

And anyone can reconcile for a month or two, only for the same issues to arise. A successful reconciliation (that lasts over a year, or leads to marriage) is pretty rare.

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Love this reply..... To many people make it out to be "making someone love you". Its not that at all. Sometimes relationships take practice to workout. We all haven't been married for 50 years so we are still trying to figure it out.

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Only if they choose to have their ex in their lives.

 

Not really.... I would have to give up some of my best friends I've had from beginning of college. I can avoid her most of the time but sometimes it just seems rediculous to avoid her. Thats not how I will choose to live my life.

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Is it really worth the pain, though? Also, one could argue that if you had to contact your ex first, they truly didn't want to reconcile.

 

And anyone can reconcile for a month or two, only for the same issues to arise. A successful reconciliation (that lasts over a year, or leads to marriage) is pretty rare.

 

But then again relationships that end in marriage are rare. Many people don't work on there problems when they break up. Thats what leads to it.

 

And I disagree with your first statement. Just read the post I quoted above by sunnz.

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Ok, well thank you NCforMe and others who have stuck to the topic at hand and offered their own personal accounts or alternate viewpoints of what has happened when they have reached out to an ex or tried to reconcile. Also, props to Sunnz whose statement pretty much hit the whole point of this thread on the head. These fatalistic, general posts that repeat the same lecture over and over again aren't the purpose of this thread, so I'm unsure why some insist on posting on a thread that goes against what they believe. Just to brow beat others into their way of thinking or dominating the thread? Start your own if you want to speak the same thing endlessly. Anything other than a specific story about the poster with examples of what happened doesn't hold much credence to me or others who want to read about what the topic states.

 

This is the Getting Back Together thread for goodness sake, so if someone wants to be negative and narrow-minded, maybe other forums are a better place for that type of thinking. If someone wants to get back with an ex, it's not a crime and it's ridiculous that those who do are made out to be something like a criminal or crazy, when it's perfectly natural. You do what you like, let others form their own opinions and do what they feel is best for them. I wanted various accounts to be given so readers could come to their OWN conclusions and not be told what to do. Who wants to be treated like a child and constantly patronized like they have no brain? If you're still so inclined to post something irrelevant to the topic, at least state your opinion and drop it.

 

Dominating or taking over countless threads is neither well-received nor appreciated. No one is going to receive something if they're beaten over the head with it a million times and will just let it go in one ear and out the other. So once again, I look forward to reading more accounts of what has actually happened in the posters' lives and would like this thread to remain on a positive, constructive level.

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Well, given the fact that this thread is not swarming with accounts of people who have successfully reconciled with an ex in the past by contacting them first, I think that should be your answer about how "successful" that approach is. Most people who post in the "Getting Back Together" forum should actually be posting in the "Healing From Break-up and Divorce" section. Unless you and your ex are on the road to reconciliation and both of you have decided to work on things, then most of the time those threads are posted by dumpees in denial who don't want to move on, and want to stay in limbo, or try to manipulate their exes into coming back - and pretty much all dumpees that want to be in contact with their exes want to do so with the intention of being with them - which is a pretty disrespectful thing to do because you are not respecting your ex's decision-making process.

 

Can you point out which threads I dominate or take over? Most of my responses are to people who are ASKING for help. And they end up being pretty grateful, most of the time, for the help that I give them. And has it ever occurred to you, kaboom, that the reason why I repeat myself so much is because we have so many NEW members posting here who haven't ever heard about NC - the best way to either heal or get an ex back? They have not heard of NC or what it means, so it's my job to let them know. It is a NEW concept to them. And perhaps if you don't want to read about NC over and over, you shouldn't read my posts to those NEW members.

 

And once again, there is nothing more positive than walking away with dignity and self respect from someone that has chosen not to be with you. So that you can heal so that you are free to be with someone that WILL take action to be with you and let you know about it. And whether that happens to be an ex or someone new, there is nothing more positive and freeing than doing so. It's called facing the truth and moving forward, instead of living in denial.

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Not really.... I would have to give up some of my best friends I've had from beginning of college. I can avoid her most of the time but sometimes it just seems rediculous to avoid her. Thats not how I will choose to live my life.

So are you saying that your friends wouldn't be willing to hang out with you one on one? They would choose your ex over you?

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So are you saying that your friends wouldn't be willing to hang out with you one on one? They would choose your ex over you?

 

Haha... Thats an over simplification. Most weekends yes I hang with them with out her and she hangs out with them with out me. But for instance for memorial day weekend a friend from NY was in town and there was a bbq at a friends house. Her also being there was no reason to rearrange my life to do something fun. The account of what happened is at the beginning of this thread. But a quick synopsis is not much happened. It was pretty unremarkable. And no of course I would never put my friends in position to choose over me or her. That would make me not a very good friend. We all met each other at the same time in college and have been friends since. So neither me or her has "claim" to our group.

 

But then I guess the big question is did it effect me? yeah maybe for like 2-3 days I was kind of questing things again but I am still only 3 months post BU. For the most part I've pretty much moved on as you may notice I haven't been on as much as I once was. But I've been checking in here and there. If I can manage I would really just prefer to be friends with her because it would make things like birthdays and events easier. In fact me, her and few other friends are running a 10 mile race in 2 weeks together, given this was set up over 3 months ago but none the less it will be fine. Thats why just respecting people for their humantiy is the bes way to get over someone. If you do that, you don't care if you have to see them or not.

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Well, as long as you don't feel that seeing her gives you false hope and stops you from moving on, then it's up to you whether you spend time with her as a group. But for a lot of dumpees it does hold them back or they look for excuses as to why they absolutely have to stay in touch, when really, it's just an excuse not to let go.

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Umm, you're dominating this thread for one, and you post pretty much on most of the threads I read. You won't let it go & let this thread stick to its original intent. Which is interesting since you've had the illusion that I was stalking your posts, which you seem to do here & elsewhere. You continue to repeat the same things and are insistent on making the same points. I really question your motives and wonder if you don't want others to reconcile because you're hatin on others' potential happiness. Even when some get back together, you negate that.

 

I think you have a problem with others seeking happiness & I think you need to ask yourself why. You STILL HAVE YET to refer to a personal story that supports your viewpoints. I don't think you have any, or else you would have said by now, which supports my thought that how can you be an authority when you haven't even practiced what you preach? Every thread isn't meant to be posted on, especially when you've made your point and most here don't share your perspective. Now, for the umpteenth time, can we continue to post actual stories and not conjecture & theory? If we keep replying to off-topic posts, they'll only keep coming.

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If you want to read my story, you are more than welcome to read my past threads. It's all there. I am not hiding anything.

 

Perhaps, you should stop reading the threads that are asking for advice, and then you won't read the advice that I give? It's pretty simple. I'm here to give advice and help people since they ASK for it. Every thread isn't there to be posted on? It's could a forum, honey. I'm welcome to post as much as I like.

 

Anyone can get back together, but I don't really see it as successful if they break up a couple of months later.

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It's all situational. I ended up contacting mine 2 days ago after 3 months of no contact. We're both young, both in the same friend circle and see each other often. We had a particularly strong connection, where our friendship pretty much overruled the romantic relationship. I don't think my situation calls for balls-out no contact never look back, even though i went that way at first to heal. I contacted her with light friendly, banter-filled chat like we used to have, and i felt the power shift immediately. I was in control. She saw i was over it, and even though she was pushing to remain best friends after the breakup and i was now, months later, showing signs of wanting that friendship/communication, she just ended up getting moody and pissed off after finding out about other girls i've been with. It's all i wanted, i have all the power now. It sounds immature but i know she still has feelings. We had such a strong friendship, and i know that if she truly wanted that friendship she wouldn'tve brought up other girls or got moody with me, and just been happy to catch up after 3 months. For me, it's all i need. I've got my "mojo" back, I don't plan on talking to her again, but if she makes the contact i'll reciprocate. She's just another girl in my life to flirt with now, i don't look at her as an off limits thing of the past. She's simply reverted to another girl, still attainable especially since our relationship was so good. All you need is the right attitude and mindset. These things will work themselves out with no input from you. Just go with it and be yourself. That being said, making contact as a dumpee is entirely situational. If you're still associated with them, whether it be through friends or whatever, especially if you're young and you had a fun and easy relationship, just man up and do it. If you're in the right mindset/attitude and approach you've got nothing to lose. If you feel like talking to them will be awkward, unwelcome or that they'll give you the whole "polite but uninterested" thing, then there's really no point in even trying to salvage anything, and you're best bet is to just leave it and save yourself the awkwardness and potential rejection.

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Actually, I don't feel like going all the way back to your original posts, llama, and really haven't seen anything about your backstory. How about you save me the trouble and post it here? I'm sure others are very interested, as I. Plus, I'm going to stay on the 'Getting Back Together' forum because that's an option I consider. Maybe YOU shouldn't be on this forum, since you don't seem like you want to nor condone getting back together, unless under the most perfect, ideal circumstances. But I didn't ask for advice on this thread, I asked for stories. Why that's so hard to grasp, I don't know. And why you'd want to post on a thread that doesn't seem to represent your viewpoint, I don't get either.

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Great point. I was also thinking that it is empowering for the dumpee to approach the dumper, because you can exude confidence and non-chalance, which is very attractive, by letting them know, yah, I'm reaching out, but I won't crumble up and die if you don't respond or in the way I may want. But life goes on and it's your lose if you can't even handle a simple conversation. You have to be very mentally prepared, as you mentioned, but I think it's kind of cool to bring the ball back into your court and to be proactive and not reactive towards them sometimes. I bet you she will contact you in the future. They want what they can't have. Love the avatar by the way. Mariooooooo! Lol

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I've been on both the reaching out and receiving ends of the equation - several times. Usually after substantial time has passed. As for who played what role, ie: "dumper or dumpee" - it didn't matter. When both people have healed properly and have a positive mental attitude (and emotional maturity), interaction won't be based on who did what to whom, past resentments, or negativity in general. In the context of reconciliation, a new beginning - and associated building of trust and respect - is borne of things like compassion and forgiveness. That's not to say that discussion of what took place in the previous relationship is to be ignored or off limits, but that including the "D" words ("dumped, dumper, dumpee", et al) in the approach lexicon is sabotoging the necessary positivity from the outset, and a clear sign that one (or both) aren't prepared for the rest of the process...

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Great point. I was also thinking that it is empowering for the dumpee to approach the dumper, because you can exude confidence and non-chalance, which is very attractive, by letting them know, yah, I'm reaching out

 

Nah. You've been dumped. It's OVER. To then go and seek out the dumper is really quite lame.

 

Even if you pretend to be nonchalant about it.

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Nah. You've been dumped. It's OVER. To then go and seek out the dumper is really quite lame. Even if you pretend to be nonchalant about it.
Tsk, tsk, so negative. That has no place here. You can call it lame, but it's also lame to place judgement and not even offer an example of why you feel that way. The reference for your comment would be what? Some posters on here are so quick to shoot something down, but usually don't have that type of experience to draw from. It's over until someone attempts contact and then who knows? It may be back on again too. If I feel empowered, that's my perspective and you can continue to remain negative, closed and wondering what if. And I don't have to pretend. My life doesn't revolve around my ex. It never has and never will.
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As for those that resulted in actually getting back together (or at least another go at it), that's been 5 times with 4 different relationships. The time between - 2 yrs, 3 yrs, 9 yrs, 6 mos, 8 mos. A couple of those were just random "run into's", One I reached out (the 9 year one), and the last 2 she initiated. HOWEVER, I don't base what may or may not happen even in my own path, on anything that's happened before. It's more like a lightning strike.

 

I will add this, though - there's been a couple of times that I've sent things out there into the universe that went unanswered indefinitely (and somehow I survived). Upon reconnecting at a much later time, I was told that there actually was a specific impact, even if it wasn't something they were compelled to reply to at the time (usually because of circumstances). Again, though, I wouldn't presume to do that again based purely on those particular experiences.

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Tsk, tsk, so negative. That has no place here. You can call it lame, but it's also lame to place judgement and not even offer an example of why you feel that way.

 

I broke up with my last two girlfriends, together 1.5 years and 2 years. They both couldn't take no for an answer and kept at it with numerous contact attempts. I broke up with them because I was done, and I wasn't interested in hearing reasons why we should try again. Their attempts to reach out to me seemed rather pathetic, almost laughable, and every contact attempt was annoying although I found it to be an ego boost that another person was so miserable not having me in their lives.

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^Surely though, if they'd accepted the break up and moved on, THEN contacted you some months later in a friendly, approachable manner, not hinting to reconciliation whatsoever, you'd respect that and be happy to catch up? Even for only one brief conversation? Or did your relationships end terribly where you really were completely done with them? Just typing this out seems so ridiculous, i don't know why anyone wouldn't welcome contact from an ex they haven't heard from in a while and ended on good terms with. To be honest it looks more pathetic when the dumper is the one making contact with the dumpee, because it looks like they realized their decision was the wrong one, and try get them back on a romantic level, when in many cases the dumpee's over it. When the dumpee makes contact it shows maturity, that they've got over the romantic relationship and DESPITE being heartbroken, they're showing interest in how the other person is doing. (Obviously this is only true when the dumpee's truly over the break up/relationship and has no expectations regarding contact). I can understand how numerous contact attempts would be annoying however, that's why i'm all for just establishing that ONE talk to break the ice and to let eachother know where you're both at, and then leave it be.

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Just would like to share my experiences, as my own personal opinion is that this isn't a black-or-white issue, but one with many shades of gray. I'd more likely support the notion that you should take everything you read here with a grain of salt; no one here knows you or your ex or your situation, and everyone here is coloured by their experiences and such, so really, the only thing to do is to hear what everyone is saying (why else are you on this site?), and in the end, do what you feel, in your heart, is right.

 

When my ex broke up with me during a big fight almost a year ago, I had a sense that things weren't completely over...because we both really loved each other (this wasn't a case of falling out of love), I knew he was impulsive, and because we both held the belief that if the circumstances were different, we might have had a chance. Well, a few days after the break-up, I msged him, not asking to get back together, but more to ask why this all happened...I guess I was looking for validation. He was patient enough to answer my questions, though a bit distant. This contact happened maybe 3 more times, where I initiated, and these times he began hinting that he really loved me, wanted a future with me (after his PhD), but I knew at that point in time he wasn't ready to commit.

 

After I felt I got the answers I wanted, and we had agreed to let go and move on for the time being, I stopped messaging him, and then he began to initiate contact...after about 3 times of him contacting me first, his hinting became more direct, asking me questions like 'do you think I made a mistake by letting you go?'...we ended up getting back together, about a month after we broke up, and stayed together for 8 months. Now we're broken up once again, because our issues are still there, and the circumstances are still the same...maybe worse, but that is besides the point of this thread. This time, we both haven't contacted each other in several weeks (a month after the break up)...but I know that the love is still there...it was almost a silent agreement that this time, we would actually do what we said we'd do the last break-up (work on ourselves and let go). There's a lot of other examples I could bring up, that would contradict the 'general rule of thumb' regarding dumpee-dumper interactions...but I've said a lot already.

 

I've been the dumpee in several other long-term relationships, where my initial contact was met with a distinct coldness that meant 'don't talk to me'...(though he did email me 3 months post-BU to tell me he's worked on himself)...and another, where my initial contact was met with friendliness and love, though only to the extent of a friendship. So the point is, at least for me, that no two situations are the same. In my history, my reaching out to exes have been met with completely different responses. I'd still advocate no contact though, not on the basis that 'the ex doesn't love you/hates me or any such negative thought process' but more for the point of healing and growing and becoming the kind of person you'd like to be.

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I can't think of any reason why I would want to contact any of my exes, to be honest. I have plenty of friends; there are plenty of new and interesting people out there to meet who come without any breakup baggage; and there would be all sorts of trust-rebuilding required to try for a friendship with an ex.

 

The few times, back in the day, I did contact exes who'd dumped me...well, it ended poorly. I thought I was OK with being friends, but even after months of NC, still harbored resentments/expectations.

 

Maybe some people are just constitutionally better suited to being friends, post-breakup. I don't seem to be one of them. Your mileage may vary!

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