didn't want to have to write this one...

[misssmithviii]

But it seems I need some clarity.

 

I have such a storm brewing in my head that I need to purge, and get some feedback. My best friend would say that my emotions, motivations and thoughts are so strong but uncalled for at times (childhood issues, but I digress) and she'd sift through the... thoughts and emotions... and help me decipher which were merited and which were simply snowballed to where they are.

 

My man and I had a great sex life in the beginning... key word: HAD. Probably a lot of it had to do with how he's always wanted me, and finally being able to have me was too exciting. In short, we would have sex at very least, once a day, every day at some point. Granted I faked it every time - not because I wanted to... I hated it... but it's impossible for me to reach orgasm with penetration at all - only the outside-area's stimulation cuts it for me.

The sex began dwindling to a couple times a week (which for me is alright, but it's become normal for me to initiate) after a few months.

 

A few months ago I finally told him how I hadn't been completely honest (which killed me) and he wasn't successful in his efforts. The only time he'd ever truly gotten me to orgasm was when he went down on me or used his hands. He took it well (at least on the outside) and only felt bad that I felt the need to hide it from him.

 

Now... he has this horrible habit of NEEDING to be reminding of something or else it truly flies over his head. Right after I confessed - he went down on me in the shower, and for the next month he continued to make it his priority before or after himself.

It was going well, but now I have to mention it... now I have to remind him... or hint at it.

 

Point is... I don't want to feel like this. Are my emotions unmerited?

I feel unwanted, I feel overlooked. I feel stressed out because I opened up to him like I've never opened up before and I have to spell it out for him every time I want it - and that's granted he'll even do it anymore.

I can't recall the last time he initiated sex, but when I do he's totally into it.

 

So I'm confused. He's not acting weird or suspicious, he's acting perfectly normal really... but does him not initiating it much or not remembering me in the bedroom mean something more than just forgetting it?

 

Help is appreciated.

[misssmithviii]

Also as a side note... another reason I'm feeling a bit unsatisfied is because he gets tired easily, and restless. It takes time for me to climax and sometimes it becomes just such a hassle for him - at least that's what it feels like. It tires him out and since he works hard I'm guessing that could be a reason for his 'forgetting' to do it. His mind has most likely filed it in the 'tiring to accomplish, do when well-rested' section.

[Sparkly Eyes]

In my experience, most guys are a little selfish in bed, unfortunately, and you have to remind them of your needs....specially if they feel comfortable in a relationship and don't need to impress you anymore.

 

Have you ever talked to him about it?

[misssmithviii]

In my experience, most guys are a little selfish in bed, unfortunately, and you have to remind them of your needs....specially if they feel comfortable in a relationship and don't need to impress you anymore.

 

Have you ever talked to him about it?

 

I guess no girl wants to hear that her man isn't the romantic novel hero who sweeps his lady off her feet every time in the bedroom >.

 

I've talked to him about it - but I'm at the point where I'm wondering if NEEDING to talk to him about it is the same principle as having to ASK for flowers. If a girl has to ask for flowers, then the flowers lose their appeal. That's how sex is starting to feel for me... unenjoyable because I'm too ticked off that I had to initiate it AGAIN, or because I had to request for him to think about my pleasure too.

 

If I am to talk about it with him again (which I plan to) how should I go about it without making him feel attacked like most guys normally feel at the hint of constructive conversation?

[Calvin68]

But it seems I need some clarity.

 

Granted I faked it every time - not because I wanted to... I hated it... but it's impossible for me to reach orgasm with penetration at all - only the outside-area's stimulation cuts it for me. ... A few months ago I finally told him how I hadn't been completely honest (which killed me) and he wasn't successful in his efforts. The only time he'd ever truly gotten me to orgasm was when he went down on me or used his hands.

 

This is why women shouldn't lie about this. You repeatedly lie to him about something that I can tell you is most definitely very important to him. You may have been well intentioned. But you've struck a bigger blow to his ego than you would have had you been honest and let him finish you off all those times you lied.

 

You created this mess, now you have to deal with it.

[Paul 182]

This is why women shouldn't lie about this. You repeatedly lie to him about something that I can tell you is most definitely very important to him. You may have been well intentioned. But you've struck a bigger blow to his ego than you would have had you been honest and let him finish you off all those times you lied.

 

You created this mess, now you have to deal with it.

 

I second that.

[catfeeder]

This is why women shouldn't lie about this. You repeatedly lie to him about something that I can tell you is most definitely very important to him. You may have been well intentioned. But you've struck a bigger blow to his ego than you would have had you been honest and let him finish you off all those times you lied.

 

You created this mess, now you have to deal with it.

 

I was thinking the same thing. He likely believed he WAS making it about you--only to be told, "Sorry, not good enough--I was lying."

 

If you don't think that this can kill off desire, you're learning otherwise. If you think he wants to step up and pull off a mouth marathon every time to make things even-steven because you've decided that he 'should,' my guess would be that he resents that, and he resents all the times he believed it was never a 'requirement,' it was an enhancement.

 

Do you perform oral sex for him every time?

[Sparkly Eyes]

I guess no girl wants to hear that her man isn't the romantic novel hero who sweeps his lady off her feet every time in the bedroom >.

 

I've talked to him about it - but I'm at the point where I'm wondering if NEEDING to talk to him about it is the same principle as having to ASK for flowers. If a girl has to ask for flowers, then the flowers lose their appeal. That's how sex is starting to feel for me... unenjoyable because I'm too ticked off that I had to initiate it AGAIN, or because I had to request for him to think about my pleasure too.

 

If I am to talk about it with him again (which I plan to) how should I go about it without making him feel attacked like most guys normally feel at the hint of constructive conversation?

 

To be honest, I ended a relationship partly due to the same reason. Just let him now that he needs to initiate more and that you would like it if he cared about your pleasure without having to be told every single time. Would you consider ending the relationship if he stays the same way? If yes, indirectly let him know that too.

[misssmithviii]

This is why women shouldn't lie about this. You repeatedly lie to him about something that I can tell you is most definitely very important to him. You may have been well intentioned. But you've struck a bigger blow to his ego than you would have had you been honest and let him finish you off all those times you lied.

 

You created this mess, now you have to deal with it.

 

Granted I understand this response but you do not know Steven - he's an incredibly understanding man who's more concerned about why I felt the need to pretend rather than resenting me for it; in fact, resentment isn't something this guy feels. He has no "ego" - after knowing this guy since we were children, seeing him in other relationships and living beside him I know that an "ego" is the last thing he has. Once again his first response was wondering what I felt so threatened by to be open... I explained that no man nor woman has ever gotten me to climax because I've never felt comfortable, but finally I do; but I can't continue lying - it's against me and against who I've promised myself I would be.

 

And telling me to "deal with it" is a bit harsh and unhelpful - I'd appreciate it if you had anything constructive to say, like perhaps some advice to helping me get through this situation, you'd share that instead of snippy remarks.

 

As for performing oral sex - I won't go into that because in fact I enjoy it more than most and perform it more often than intercourse. I don't need oral sex to orgasm, just stimulation outside, not penetration. Yes I perform for him EVERY TIME.

 

I guess I came to the wrong place for advice "/ Because I have yet to receive advice on what to do beyond this point save for Sparkly Eyes.

[greywolf]

You're probably just going to have to be patient. You've broken his trust. That's not an easy thing to get over. So now he's dealing with you lying to him, and the extra pressure to perform. I probably wouldn't be all that interested in sex for awhile either. Plus, to me it seems like you're making this all about you. You lied to him for months and now all of a sudden he has to make it better? That doesn't seem right to me.

[misssmithviii]

You're probably just going to have to be patient. You've broken his trust. That's not an easy thing to get over. So now he's dealing with you lying to him, and the extra pressure to perform. I probably wouldn't be all that interested in sex for awhile either. Plus, to me it seems like you're making this all about you. You lied to him for months and now all of a sudden he has to make it better? That doesn't seem right to me.

 

If that were the case, I'm sure it would've come up in one of our conversations. We've talked about this before, and when I remind him - he performs willingly and enthusiastically - but if I forget to remind him, or don't... he likely doesn't remember more than once a month.

 

I guess this sounds terrible... it isn't all about me. I told him I don't expect him to be enthusiastic about sex, and his response were all centered toward letting it go, not holding a grudge AT ALL (because it's not like him) but rather wanting me to feel comfortable with him.

 

It's not "all of a sudden" by the way >.

 

Some moderate cancel this thread - I'll seek advice elsewhere because it's only hurting me more to be yelled at in addition to how horrible I already feel. I understand you all have a right to post whatever you'd like about me, but it's hardly advice at all, reminding me of what I've done and how it "sucks" and I can't do anything about it.

[abitbroken]

Sex is not about performing the same moves every single time. Sometimes you will be blown away and sometimes you won't. Just use the times you are blown away to carry you over to the times that you use that energy to be playful with him.

[misssmithviii]

Sex is not about performing the same moves every single time. Sometimes you will be blown away and sometimes you won't. Just use the times you are blown away to carry you over to the times that you use that energy to be playful with him.

 

I appreciate the advice ^_^

 

I'll try your optimistic approach

[jingletruck]

Granted I understand this response but you do not know Steven - he's an incredibly understanding man who's more concerned about why I felt the need to pretend rather than resenting me for it; in fact, resentment isn't something this guy feels. He has no "ego" - after knowing this guy since we were children, seeing him in other relationships and living beside him I know that an "ego" is the last thing he has.

 

You have absolutely no clue about what goes on inside guy's minds. Especially in bed. Sorry to be harsh, but I have to agree that this mess is entirely of your own creation.

[misssmithviii]

You have absolutely no clue about what goes on inside guy's minds. Especially in bed. Sorry to be harsh, but I have to agree that this mess is entirely of your own creation.

 

Really? I have absolutely no clue, huh. Well in that case how does one begin to say they know somebody at all without being wrong on your principle?

Every man's mind has its differences - and generalizing that I must be a woman so I have no clue what goes on inside a guy's mind is incredibly small-minded.

 

What sick satisfaction did you just get in chiming in with something that is of no help to me... I have already made it clear I understand what has happened and I'm trying to move forward with it with the help of constructive advice. I do not need a bunch of strangers scolding me for the past, that does not help the future we're going to have together.

 

So if you will, save your bitter and unhelpful remarks.

[greywolf]

Thread closed at user request.