Dazed and confused

[shattered4life]

Hello everyone,

 

I need some advice and any comments whether bad are good is ok too. Here is my issue:

 

I'm a married man who has been married for 2 yrs but been with my wife for a total of 7 years. I met a woman about 8 months ago and we started talking over text and email. Well eventually the relationship turned into a physical relationship and we became closer emotionally and physically. The other woman is also married and has been with her husband for the past 13yrs and I know she's cheated on him atleast once before. After about 4 or 5 months the word LOVE was used quite a bit between us and I truly felt that I loved this woman and she felt she loved me but our circumstances prohibited us from being together.

 

She has 3 kids and I have 3 kids from a previous marriage and we both are trying to get back on our feet financially so that we can be independent if we chose to leave the marriages. Well fast forward to about 4 days ago and a bombshell was dropped on the both of us... she told me she's pregnant!!!!!!.....Well we both freaked out and we argued about it and she said she's going to keep it which I totally understand because I dont condone abortion. This news scared me to no end and I was freaking out that my wife would find out before I could tell her. Well apparently the other woman decided to confess everything to her husband and I mean EVERYTHING!!!!.... and he said he's stay with her and help her through this. Me and her husband talked and he requested that I stay away from them and he wasn't sure if what she said was true or not but that he wants to work through it and stay with her.

 

I told me wife about the other woman and the relationship we had and told her what the other woman said about her being pregnant. I told my wife I dont know 100% if it's true but it may be and that I talked to her husband about it. I told my wife that prior to the other woman saying she was pregnant I had called things off with her because I didnt want to break up my family, marriage and the relationship my kids have with my wife. Anyhow, I'm not sure what to do!!!!.. As of now I havn't talked to the other woman for almost 4days, she's changed her number because she didnt want my wife to call her and apparently me. She had told me that we cant talk anymore and that she can't do this alone so she needs to play by his rules in order for him to stay. She has told me time and time again that she dont love him and now it seems that she totally pushed me aside. I'm hurt and miss her and want to talk to her really bad. I know her work number but im afraid to call...

 

I promised her husband that i wouldnt contact her at all and that if he found out I did he would tell my wife and the fact that the other woman is willing to be honest with her husband over anythng im afraid to call and then she run and tell him that I did. I need to know if what she says is 100% true or not and most of all I love this woman and miss her. When were talking about everything the other woman and I were pretty mean towards eachother and said some hurtful things about not wanting to be with the other and that she hated me and that she loved him and we both were scared so I dont know if she meant those things or not. I know I didnt and I wonder if she feels like I do right now..I'm depressed, sad and miss her terribly!!!!!!!... Please help me and give me some advice on what to do!!!

 

 

Thank you

 

shattered4life

[Moontiger]

K, what you did and what you are doing right now...you are a completely selfish person. You don't love your wife or this other woman. You are not mature enough to know what love is.

 

You have found out one of the many risks of having an affair and now you have to "reap what you sow". If it is your kid this woman can come back at anytime and demand child support making it even harder to get finances in order. She has choose her husband (though why he took her back is beyond me, she doesn't seem to have redeeming qualities), so back off and work on repairing your relationship with your family.

 

I have to ask, you have children you need to think about, a wife you made vows to, what were you thinking? Its time to grow up and not do what you WANT to do but what you HAVE to do. Its time to do your duty as a husband and father, this means putting yourself last in many ways.

[RedDress]

I had called things off with her because I didnt want to break up my family, marriage and the relationship my kids have with my wife.

 

So during your confession and "coming clean" moment you lied some more? Wow.

 

You aren't going to like what I have to say...

 

First - the honorable thing to do is to leave your wife. You obviously aren't even trying to make it work (like the other woman and her husband are). You can't even be honest when you are "coming clean". Your relationship with your wife is over. You are being extremely selfish stringing her along. End her misery.

 

As for the other woman? Well... I think this is a mess any which way you turn it. You have two choices:

 

1) You can leave her alone. You gave your word to the husband. She says she doesn't want to be with you. She has a shot at an ok life with them. Truth is, though, she can come back at any time for child support - UNLESS - you sign your rights away (ie: the husband legally adopts the child). Honestly? I think this is the least messy thing to do. I would consult with a lawyer and I would contact the HUSBAND (NOT her) about his willingness to go this route and legally adopt the child.

 

2) You can try to persue the relationship with this woman... but it's only going to get really, really messy. Your relationship was started under a bunch of lies. She has cheated on her husband multiple times... I highly suspect this won't end well. Nevermind the fact that she doesn't want to be with you.

 

I really think it's best if you clear the slate and start over. Divorce your wife. Give up your rights to the child (and therefore her rights to go after child support). Spend some time alone to figure out your own life. Find someone else.

 

I think that's the most honorable and least messy way to go about it all...

[RadicalDreamer]

Well, I will say this- you did a tough thing. You confessed to it. For all that the pregnancy and her confession to her husband jarred everything loose, you confessed. Many cheaters fail to do this, and that is just sad.

 

Now for the hard part. By ceasing contact, she is doing the best thing. Maybe she's only staying with her husband for the support he offers, or maybe she feels that she owes her current children and this newest one the chance at a stable family. It's her choice to make.

 

It won't feel right, and no amount of other people insisting it's the best thing will make it feel right. Yes, loose ends are a terrible thing. But unfortunately, life doesn't always throw endings our way, and sometimes we just have to deal with unresolved silences and blankness. It sucks, but in a case like this, keeping contact is only going to complicate and prolong the hurt. File it under "L" for Life Isn't Fair, But That's Just The Way It Is.

 

Now, if I may ask, what is the situation with you and your wife? How did she take the news? Does she want to work things out? If so, have you thought about counseling at all? Part of the reason that keeping in contact with the other woman will complicate things (besides the fact that she is trying to move on) is because you need to be able to take a long hard look at your marriage and whether the both of you are willing to truly work past this. You won't be able to do this if you're fixated on another woman.

 

Those feelings don't die easily, and no amount of self-righteous preaching from others will make it so. Aside from breaking trust, lying and all, the reason emotionally-involved affairs are so problematic is because the only way to get rid of those feelings you have for the other is to let them starve and die a slow, painful, wasting death. Let it be a hard lesson learned.

[shattered4life]

Thanks for all the replies and I appreciate the comments from both the women also. I knew I would get some backlash from the females in all this and I'm totally understanding of it. I know there is a lot of "Right" things I should do but when do we ever do the right thing when our feelings are involved whether it be for love, broken hearted, selfishness etc. I know I should leave and be alone or have time to think, I'm really confused right now on what to do and the way I feel right now is that I love this other woman and want to be with her but is that being selfish????? I know she's told me to not call or that we can't talk anymore and I know it's because of what RadicalDreamer has stated that she stayed with her husband because he's willing to stick by her side and help her through all this. She had told me over and over that she did not love him anymore and that it was more of convenience. We had a lot in common when it came to our relationship with our spouses but now she's chosen to stay and its because of me. Had I said I'm leaving my wife and going to be with her I believe she would have said ok and we would be together now but I acted like a total ass and a jerk and totally clammed up and showed her a selfish, heartless * * * * * * * and now she thinks I'm this horrible person for turning my back on her. I was scared and afraid of what was going to happen, who would be hurt and how I would explain....

 

In no way am I saying this was all right, it was all wrong and we went about it the wrong way but thats why there is a category here at enotalone.com called infidelity because it happens and thats a fact and we need to try and help those who are dealing with these issues wether it be the victim or not. RadicalDreamer you stated that I should let it go but it's hard because I feel like I do love her, my wife wants to work things out and she's willing to put in the effort as long as I am. We talked about counseling and getting back into church but like you said, it's no point if my mind is on this other woman who I love still. I did the major no no and looked on her facebook and she seems happy and going about her life with her and the kids and doesnt seem to be phased by all this but I feel like I want to reach out to her but Im scared and afraid to do so.... I know you're going to all tell me to leave her alone but when you're heart is broken thats the last thing you want to do and I know that the right thing to do is to let it go and either end my marriage and move on or focus on my marriage and let the other woman go....

 

Thank you for all the replies as they are much needed and I hope that I can get more responses because I'm really confused and heart broken through all this...

 

 

Thank you

 

Shattered4Life

[Moontiger]

Yes it is. Why do I think that? Because this "love" you claim to feel does not just effect you. You have children to thing about. Welcome to the adult world, it doesn't matter what you want or how you feel, only your children matter and everything you do must to be make their live safer, happier, and more productive then yours was. Being an adult means putting yourself last. You seem to have a very high school mentality about love and relationships. I recommend seeing a therapist with your wife and also seeing a therapist by yourself so you can gain insight into what is going on here.

[italiannmf24]

How did you wife react to the situation? What's her position in all of this?

 

To be completely honest it'd probably be best to go to some sort of counseling, preferably marriage counseling or even counseling by yourself.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you need to tell your wife how you feel about the other woman. Be honest with her so she can move on. She's staying because you partially lied to her.

[shattered4life]

We are going to seek counseling and going to church and she is willing to put in the effort and to try and get past this. I dont know if what the other woman said about the pregnanc is true or not but I guess time will tell. As for me I thought about telling my wife about how I feel but it's to early. Do you think I only feel the way I do because I have no way of contacting the other woman? she changed her number and put her facebook on private so maybe its just feelings of letting go of something I knew was wrong. Towards the end of our affair I was pulling away and trying to distance myself from everything because I had a lot of issues on whether I could truly be happy with this girl but now that she's gone and probably gone for good I feel as if I do love her and miss but then again do you think it could just be that it's over and the thought of not being able to reach her even if I wanted is whats causing me to feel broken hearted? Like I said when I looked on my friends facebook she seems to be doing fine and moving on and happy by her comments and updates of her having lunch with her family.... I guess I'm at a loss as to how a person can go from loving you to hating your or forgetting about you in a matter of a couple of days.. This girl wanted to spend the rest of her life with me so she said and now she didnt even put up a fight and during our argument the other day even said she didnt want me...it was out of anger and hurt im sure but she said it and i said the same to her at the time..... Im just so screwed up and im sorry for expressing my feelings but i have no one to talk to

[dgribble]

"I love this other woman and want to be with her but is that being selfish?????"- Ah... Yeah... you were in a committed relationship with your wife; or did you forget? Selfish because you didn't think about anyone's feelings except your own- GET IT!... GOOD.

[shattered4life]

Well from what evryone has said thus far I guess Im just a big old selfish jerk who doesnt care about no one but himself. All i was looking for is some tools to use or advice on how to do the right thing. I know what the righ thig is to do and thats to work on my marriage and counseling etc. But i dont know how to let this other woman go emotionally. Im heart broken right now and i cant even begin to think of working on my marriage until i put these feelings to resr for good and get the necessary information or advice to fight off any urge to call the other woman......i have been tempted to reach out to her since we stopped talking and its been hell. Please someone slap some sense into me and stop the criticism...i know i messed up and i just need advice on.how to let the other woman go for good

[RadicalDreamer]

Wait... You want someone to slap some sense into you, but you also want to stop the criticism. Would you like a glass of dehydrated water with that?

 

Kidding aside, here's the raw deal. I'm not going to tell you to that you have no right to think of your own happiness. Everyone has a right to pursue it, but you also have a primary responsibility to your family. You must balance the two. In other words, you owe it to your wife (because she's willing to stay with you) to SINCERELY try to work things out. If you two just can't be happy together, then maybe you have to go your separate ways. But you have to try first. For her sake, for your kids' sake, and for yours as well.

 

As I said before, those feelings are not going to go away on their own. I'm sorry to say it, but you have to work things out with your family AND put the matters of the heart to rest at the same time. Yes, it feels like the world should stop spinning and life is over. Too bad, you have to pull together and get things done.

 

And you can.

[stillstunned]

You are a selfish jerk. If you're so heartbroken, why don't you leave your wife? I understand that you can't have this other woman, but your wife shouldn't be second choice. If working it out with her isn't truly what you want to do, leave her. Let her move on with her life and find someone that wants her.

 

It sounds like you're with your wife simply because you can't have this other woman. You even said if you had only left your wife you'd be with her now. I ask you, how is this fair in any way to your wife? She isn't the one that cheated, you are, and then you lied to her again, and now you're still with her while crying over someone else. You aren't asking how to fix things with your wife, you're asking if you should call the other woman, crying about her changing her number, blocking you from facebook, etc.

 

Odds are your wife only stayed because you lied and said you had already ended things with this woman. If you tell her the truth about your broken heart, she might make another decision. Be fair to her for once and let her go.

[RadicalDreamer]

I'll tell you how to get over her, but you won't like it. Picture the way she scowls every time she thinks of you. Picture the way she regards your every good memory with spite and scorn. Think of the way she's telling her long-suffering husband, right now, that you meant nothing to her, that it was all just a bunch of infatuation and that she knows what's really important in life. Face the reality that you can't be with her, that it won't work. That's step one.

 

Step two is to throw yourself into trying to fix your marriage. At least, it might give you something else to focus on, to occupy you. At best, it might help you rediscover what made your marriage work in the first place. You lied about your reasoning at first. I recommend you put your effort into making that true, which you still can. Be honest, let her know that you're still sorting through your feelings, but tell her that you want your marriage to work, to give it a fighting chance. And mean it.

 

If she can see past her own hurt, she'll realize that you're admitting to something you can't help (your feelings), and if she sees you making a sincere effort, she might be a bit understanding. Just remember that she's hurting really bad and that it's entirely your fault, so don't expect a lot of sympathy.

 

On the other hand, she may not be able to see past. She may forget that you can be in no more control of your feelings than she is of hers, and may expect you to have fully jettisoned those lingering passions along with your "realizations." Or she may expect you to lie about it, not realizing that lie is no more noble than the ones that led to your affair. In the midst of pain, it's easy to forget that Life Doesn't Work That Way.

 

You're not "wrong" for still having feelings. You're "wrong" for not doing what you can to push past it. You can only help that so much, but it's still on you to do everything you can to fight for it.

[tresqua]

This girl wanted to spend the rest of her life with me so she said (

 

Yeah, and she said that to the guy she's currently married to as well. The guy she cheated on not only with you but at least one other guy.

[possibilty]

Look I know you truly feel you love the other woman and you want her back badly. Thats the clearest thing in all of this. What makes this selfish is the following.

 

You love the way that relationship made you feel. That is what you love.

 

You want someone to say that it is perfectly ok to fall in love and move on from your marriage. You want consent from all parties to have a new family with this woman. Her decision has thrown you.

 

She is a born cheat but you won't hear that cauce you are 'in love'. She is a user look at what she has done to her loyal husband. And look out your wife is in shock she will boot your ass when the shock passes.

 

Love is not a feeling its a verb. Do it for those who need you.

 

You have been a fool grasp that first and make amends or pay the price.