I am stuck and confused?

[LN1987]

So I decided to be the bigger person and call my ex to tell him we shouldn't hate each other and that it is petty. (He dumped me) We spoke for close to two hours, he said we can't be friends ever as he could never see me with someone else, but that he never wants me back. I am really confused as he admits he cares for me, but even when I lay out all my own faults, he won't accept any of his. He still blames me for the demise of us which I think is unfair because it obviously takes two. I don't know how to feel as I was calm, didn't get worked up, and just said I hope one day we can joke over this with a beer. He told me he never imagines me as his friend due to his feelings, what am I supposed to think, he dumped me. I would be willing to work on my own issues, but he refuses to budge, but admits his feelings. I don't know if I feel better about the call or not.

[LN1987]

I will add: I would not want him back if his attitude is 'its all your fault." Is it his own issue if he sees the need to blame me for all our problems? He gets me everytime

[dramallama]

He has told you that he doesn't want you back - ever.

He isn't willing to accept his faults or work on the relationship.

He is blaming you for everything.

He only ever sees you as catching up in the very far distant future (and even then words are cheap and he may not actually want to).

 

He may have feelings and care for you, but I think it's pretty clear by his general words and (lack of) actions that he doesn't want to commit to you. The only way you will continue to be confused about this is if you keep in contact so that you can look for "signs" that he wants to be with you. But honestly, there is nothing to be confused about.

[dramallama]

I will add: I would not want him back if his attitude is 'its all your fault." Is it his own issue if he sees the need to blame me for all our problems? He gets me everytime

Even more reason to put this relationship behind you since he is obviously not interested in working on the relationship.

 

I think you need to cut contact, grieve for what you've lost, and work on your depression and co-dependency issues. You're in deep denial now, but I hope that you accept the truth soon and start to move on. You're just going around in circles now.

[LN1987]

Drama I just think it is unfair that he admits how attracted he is to me, admits he loves me, but then tells me I am "crazy"

 

Surely with love comes acceptance and an ability to want to help your partner, or see that they are willing to change, Sure I made some mistakes, but hey so did he?

[dramallama]

Did he "admit" that he was attracted to you and have feelings for you? Or did you specifically ask him?

 

Regardless, once again, it's not enough for someone to care for you/be attracted to you/miss you/or even love you, what matters is that they want to be WITH you. And your ex has clearly indicated and said so in very plain English that he does not want to be with you. That's all there is to it.

 

If he loved you in the same way that you love him, then yes, he probably would be willing to admit his mistakes and to work on the relationship. But from the sounds of things he does not love you in the same way any more. And he is not in a relationship with you so you must get rid of the expectation that he needs to work on it. He doesn't need to because you two are not in one any more, but you on the contrary are still grilling him about mistakes and whatnot because you still have the expectation that you two are still in a relationship.

[LN1987]

No I do not think we are in a relationship. That would be mad. I simply think it is unfair that he can tell me he wants me, misses me, but then blames me for everything and tells me he doesn't want someone so crazy. He was equally as unfair on me, it just seems selfish that he puts it all on me. I have admitted where i went wrong, I want to work on my issues, why is it so silly that I expect equal blame on his behalf? I think I am being rational and reasonable.

[Nearbot]

You need to stop anaylzing everything he says. Like Drama said, he doesn't want to be with you, and that's it. Please cut contact with him.

[nekoxchaos]

Hey LN1987 , sometimes I think its best to leave those words behind. I know how we want to get answers and explanations of everything but we would never be satisfied with the answer. Clearly I would just stay away from him if he can't admit to his own faults. First of all he seems to have his own issues to deal with and his alone , if he blames you then you can say WELL SCREW THAT take responsibility for your part and be off. It's better that way , we never really know whats going on in anyones head so as others posted stop analyzing, you dont need

his apalogies or to hear him say IM SORRY becuase he probably wouldn't even mean it.

 

What you need to do is let him go , if you don't think you'd work out anyways then why hold on to him not taking responsibility for his actions. You can work on your issues for yourself because your feelings are always number 1

[Ms Darcy]

No I do not think we are in a relationship. That would be mad. I simply think it is unfair that he can tell me he wants me, misses me, but then blames me for everything and tells me he doesn't want someone so crazy. He was equally as unfair on me, it just seems selfish that he puts it all on me. I have admitted where i went wrong, I want to work on my issues, why is it so silly that I expect equal blame on his behalf? I think I am being rational and reasonable.

 

Hey dear. This is why I don't speak with exes. The bottom line is that he doesn't want a relationship and you need to move on. You didn't need a phone call to confirm that. So now you are mired in his words instead of in healing yourself. Don't call him again. Now you are here left with questions, and very much in denial, while he's relieved he's finally made his stance crystal clear to you. So what did you get out of this? More frustration.

 

I don't think you are being rational. I think you are being irrational and yet shell-shocked and calm. That is often what denial looks like.

[LN1987]

Hey ms Darcy, Yes you're right. He still thinks everything was my fault and that I'm crazy, I guess I just wish he could see both sides of the coin. I miss him terribly, but don't even know what I'm holding on to anymore, I know he is not coming back, I just can't stop thinking of the good times. I still think good outweighed bad which is why I am so stuck I think... WHich is why I want to talk to him

[Live-N-Learn]

Talking to him is only going to cause you more pain at this point. He is not going to tell you what you want to hear. You are looking for him to comfort you and help you feel better but that is not what will happen. You will end up more hurt and frustrated. You now must leave him alone and accept he does not want a relationship with you and move on.

 

The good times you speak of are in the past. He has changed and unfortunately my friend they are only memories now. All he has to offer you now is pain.