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It's not me, it's you. It's not you, it's me.


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I don't know where to put this, but since it's a jumble of emotions and feelings, here seems good a place as any. I need some advice, because I honestly don't know what to do.. or feel... or anything. But here goes...

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years. We met in high school. The very beginning of our relationship was good... I guess. It was just your typical high school dating scenario. No one thought we'd be together long. Including his parents. They started the trouble really. My boyfriend is a mama's boy like no other and she catered to his every whim. The problem starts with... they hate me. I'm just some poor girl who's not nearly good enough for him. His parents have tried every way possible to break up over the years. They talk about me like I'm a dog and still do. Never once has he stood up for me. The fighting started over that. His mother would call me a * * * * , a * * * * * , etc and he'd never say a word. I'd get so mad about that, I felt like if he was going to be with me he should stand up for me. At one point I wanted... I don't even know what I wanted. Just to know the relationship was going to more than what it was. When I asked him if our relationship was ever going to move on to the next level he told me he wanted his parents to be happy. I was furious. A lot of people told me I should leave because if he doesn't care anymore than that, I didn't need to be with him. I stayed. The fights got more intense as time went on. Then other problems started cropping up. He shut me out emotionally, blamed me for things I had nothing to do with, took his anger out on me when I wasn't even remotely related to the situation. Broke into my email account, my facebook, etc. Sent horrible messages to my friends, changed my status messages to hurtful things. Again everyone told me to go. Still, I stayed. His parents nearly got a divorce around that same time, I was blamed for it. He'd yell at me and tell me it was my fault. That if I hadn't come into his life they wouldn't be so unhappy. I was completely miserable. I ended up cheating on him. I know it wasn't right, but at that time it sure as hell was easy. As stupid as it sounds, cheating gave me the strength I needed to leave him and I did. I was happy for a while, even dated a great guy for a while who I ignorantly left for my boyfriend. He continually called me and begged me to forgive him. Told me if I didn't take him back he'd kill himself. Swore to me he'd change. Over time I got worn down and I started to believe him. I loved him and I missed the familiarity. At one point he asked to see me, said he wanted to talk. We did, the whole time he acted so loving, almost the way he did when were together at first. He kept pressuring me for sex... like an idiot I caved. As luck would have it, I ended up pregnant. I ended up getting back together with my boyfriend. We moved in together and to begin with things were so good, I honestly had no complaints. And then... our daughter was born. Things have snowballed since then. He's back to all the things he was doing when we broke up. It started with that... But it got so much worse. He'd belittle me constantly and talk to me as if I were stupid. If I'd do something wrong, even if it was an accident he'd yell at me. His jealousy got insane. He has driven away all of my friends. I'm not allowed to have friends and he is constantly accusing me of cheating or leaving when I barely leave the house. When I do, it's with him. I am not allowed to get mad, nor am I allowed to cry. He turns it right back around on me and it just causes a huge fight. He is so lazy. I have to beg him to help me around the house. He tells me that because he works and I don't, which is not my fault by the way, I was laid off, he doesn't have to. It's ridiculous. And no matter what I say to him it doesn't do any good. And no matter what, I am the bad guy. He says I make it up and that if I wasn't such a * * * * * I wouldn't be so miserable. That we fight because it's my fault. I don't know what to do anymore. There's so much more... All the things he used to do that I thought were cute just annoy me. His hygiene is terrible. Our sex life is non existent. If we do manage to have sex, it's all about him. We never talk anymore. He sits on his computer and ignores me. The list goes on... I'm just... so miserable. BUT... I love him. I truly do. And at times he can be so sweet and when he is I get this flicker of hope that maybe he'll change for good, he promises me he will. But it never lasts. When he wants to be, which isn't often anymore, he can be so funny and charming. He's a wonderful father, I will give him that. And our daughter absolutely loves him. He's amazing with her. I watch them together and it just breaks my heart because I don't understand why he can be so tender and gentle towards her and yet he treats me so badly. I know the guy I fell in love with is buried in there somewhere. I just don't know what to do. I've read books, I've talked until I am blue in the face, I've given ultimatums. I've asked that we see a couples counsler, which he refuses. I'm so stuck in this relationship too. He's the bread winner right now, I'm looking for work, but not having much luck. I don't want to stand the chance of losing my daughter. She's the only reason I get up in the morning. I don't know... Some days I want him to leave and some days I want him, the old him, to come back so we can be happy again. Someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong here... how I can fix this? Or just knock some sense into me so I can get the balls to leave. Thanks for reading anyways... Sorry it's so long.

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From what i've read, your definitely the victim. Regardless, of whether he's a great father, he makes you feel like a slave and are worthless. It's not your fault that you have a good heart, and naturally want to see the good in a person, but there's only so much you can take. I know this isn't what you WANT to hear, but it's probably best (once you find a job) that you start a new life with your daughter. Find someone who truly deserves and respects you and the love give, because clearly the man you're with does not. Any man who makes you feel like less than a women, a human being for that matter, or belittles your self-esteem (especially in front of your child), shows what your life is going to continue to look like if you don't move on. Just because you had a child with him doesn't mean you HAVE to be with him forever. Sometimes you can only help a person so much, the rest they have to do on their own. You took the time to present options for fixing your relationship, he shot them down. Doesn't sound like he cares very much about what you think or have to say, let alone your realtionship. I think you should leave him.

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Leave him. Frankly he sounds like a worthless piece of * * * * and he doesn't deserve someone as patient as you!!!! I agree, get a job and take your daughter away from him before she gets older and he starts doing this with her - because he will. My father was like this (physically abusive as well, severely) with my mother - the moment I was old enough to hit without killing he was doing it to me too.

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Well, there's two path for you to take...

 

1) As most people would suggest... Leave. Him. He's obviously making your miserable and it can't be wrong to want to be happy, can it?

 

2) Find out why he's belittling you. Is it something deep seated? Maybe he's belittled at work or feels powerless and he's using you to boost his ego? If that's the case... Ask him to stop ONCE and if that fails, you probably will be better off without him cause he's just a sad man. Now, if he's one of those men who's just really stupid emotionally (like I was once then he might not know he's hurting you. YES, believe it or not, sometimes males and females think so differently it's frightening.

 

I have a few males friends (including my brother) who happen to be the super logical types. When we getting into arguments, we would not mind at all to argue with all the zealousness of a Defense Attorney. I did not know that this kind of arguing (which often include sarcasm, and tones that sounds condescending or belittling) actually hurts people who's not a logical thinking machine. I often use this "Now, follow this train of thought" method to get people on the right track, it WORKS in debates and figuring out formulas but when I do that with my poor emotional GF, she gets very sad and cries. At first I never understood why but then I realized that she doesn't understand why I am being mean to her. I told her that I wasn't being mean, I just wanted her to see the reasoning behind my thinking. But to her, it doesn't matter. Right/wrong/truth/efficiency/logic... those things don't matter between two people who love each other. Sometimes she just needs a hug and not someone who will logically convince her to feel better... Sometimes she just need sympathy and not 3 different approaches to resolve her issue with minimum loss. I learned that the hard way (with my poor beautiful gf crying on her bed and me being stunned and not know what went wrong). That's why I came to this broad... I came to learn how emotional people think and what drives govern their train of thought.

 

Talk to your bf, tell him why it hurts you. Ask him to stop... Tell him how much you love him and tell him how you rather be treated. If he loves you, your honesty and your tears will hit him like a 10 tonne truck going at mach 3. Good luck...

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