Attachment

[Giant Cats]

I'm really attached to to my ex-Girlfriend, who we'll call Y. Its disrupting my life. She saved my life and stood by me when I was drinking, very mean to her, and actively attempting to commit suicide. She is also a lot like my father. So thats who she is. It doesn't feel like I'm separated from some girlfriend. That would be easy to deal with. I am not close with my parents, and she has seemingly taken their place in my heart. Splitting from her feels like I'm splitting from them.

Y moved here to New York 9 months ago. It had been on and off long distance till then. When she called me to tell me last July, I reacted exactly the same way I am reacting now to her being in a new relationship. I do not completely understand why. This is the fourth time I've had this extremely painful and disruptive reaction to her way with in the past year.

Y reciprocates. When we recently dated, it didn't take her five minutes to insist on moving in with me and getting married, and she would push pretty hard. I treated it like I would treat any other relationship, by keeping my distance at first. Its worth noting that she asked me out, and when I broke up with her, she repeatedly asked me to get back together. Dating was unpleasant, she yelled at me a LOT. I felt I was no longer in love, and didn't want to deal with the bull * * * * . In most relationships, this would be a fine time to move on. It seemed fake, neither of us really wanted to be there, and we resisted each other. I honestly think we just weren't ready. Not having seen each other in a long time, we had fake versions of each other in our heads, and she in particular would get frustrated that I wasn't that version. I was me.

Y does not know any of this. She does not know I've been having these reactions. She knows I USED to be attached, but that was 5 years ago. We are getting a long fine still as friends, but she has no idea that I am attached in this way or having these reactions. I would be reluctant to tell her now. I am applying to go back to school, this will be far more disruptive in that environment. Its been six years. We've split many times before. She stopped talking to me once in 08, and it built up enough over the next six months that I could no longer do my job and completely broke down. I've had this reaction to her WHILE dating other people, when she said hi to me via email after a stint of not talking.

When I date people, I don't get jealous. I simply don't. It never bothers me when ex-girlfriends or people I like are with other people. I tend to expect the same with Y, and sometimes even forget that I have these feelings. I realize I dug my own grave my dumping her. But it was clear she wasn't happy. She is with someone new, and it seems to be working out pretty well for now. Its been only a month, but I find it safer to assume that this will last forever, than to sit around waiting and hoping. The sense of attachment has gotten worse, I've been in this state for a month. It hit a new level today when she changed her facebook status to being in a relationship. When we dated, she never changed her status.

I do not know how to react. She is a very important friend and I'd like it to stay that way. I'm just not sure I can handle it. On the other hand, spending time a part has never lasted terribly long, and I've reacted the same way at her just saying hi. She wants to remain friends, shes made that clear. I am really grateful for her and everything she's done for me over the years. I'd really like to find a way for it to work.

[Xylitol]

Its important to understand that your loved one cannot replace a psychologist, you shouldn't have used her as a crutch for all your mental problems. Because you have nothing with your parents, she took up that spot of your father,at least that's what you wanted, but you never asked or questioned yourself on whether that was a good idea? No apparently that was not a good idea, because guess what, no one can replace your real father. So it was a bad shot to use her as a fundament for your life, why? Because reality has it that a girl can pack her bags and leave any day. You need to have a life and a mentally stable one at that of your own to stand on. For gods sake stop depending on her, another person can only be an accomodity to your life, other people cannot live your life for you. But if you in your desperation cling onto their lives, you only become an emotional soccerball for other people to play with. These things are only symptom supressors not problem solvers. The real problem that lies within you, is that you are mentally devastated, and have no fundament to stand on. Now i don't want to toss religion in your face, none of that belief is necessary. But i do want you to take up bhuddism and chakra balancing as they can learn you the fundamentals of a balanced life. You need to at least acknowledge that something is wrong with you, next you have to take the steps to fix them at your own pace. Its also nothing to be ashamed off,, i also was helped by someone else from my suicidal tendacies , its not nice but sometimes you're so deep in the swamp of misery that you need a helping hand to get out of it. Just up to the point that you're strong enough to live your own life again, its just fine. Psychiatrist + Bhuddism + Chakra balancing, and doing constructive things in your life, while throwing everything out of your life like a garbageman that is negative for your life.