Broke up with GF/Fiancee of eight years, having a hard time

[sobchak1]

I started dating my GF at 18 years old, right at the time we graduated from high school.

 

I'm now 26. We dated for almost eight years, and last December we were engaged.

 

We've always battled in the relationship over the fact that I like to go out after work with coworkers and drink a few times a week. On an average week, I probably went out 3 times a week and had 6-8 drinks. I rarely, if ever, came home after 10pm. We lived together and I never cheated on her or even wanted to.

 

After five months of engagement, my fiancee told me that she had enough of my lifestyle and told me that she wanted to break off our engagement. We've now been apart for around three weeks.

 

I'm having a hard time with the whole thing. While I resent the control and misunderstanding of what I was doing when I went out -- I work in b2b sales so some of these nights were actually related directly to client work and doing my job), I still want her back. I don't necessary think she has a realistic view of the world - she once told me that she thought moderate drinking was 2 beers, once a month.

 

Despite all of this, I want her back. I've agreed to cut down on going out.

 

I seem to be smothering her -- I text her all the time and it's just not good.

 

Any thoughts/advice?

[onemoretime]

If you drink 3 times a week you might end up becoming an alcoholic which is something you really want to avoid regardless of this relationship. Give her space for now and since you agreed to cut back it's up to her to take you up on the offer. You should start cutting back before you get back together because it can be hard. I personally have been trying to quit drinking for almost a year. I still have trouble not going out once a week even though most of the time I only drank once a week.

[Mustachio]

Yea I mean, it does seem you drink fairly often. And 6-8 is enough to get most people drunk, not terribly so, but enough. It may have been more about the fact that she just doesnt like you coming home drunk so often. There are many other things it could be, but its too hard to speculate without letting our minds run wild and come up with crazy ideas.

 

Did she ever discuss these issues with you before up and breaking it off?

 

First of all, cut down the texts significantly. Also, does she respond to you, i mean, are you still in contact? It sounds like you need to have a big talk with her about what she wants and whether this is even something can possibly change. But its going to have to be on her terms. Unfortunately there isnt much you can do until she is ready to talk and trying to push her into it is really only going to push her farther away.

[sobchak1]

We discussed these issues for years. She's always given me a hard time about it, I think she just reached her boiling point.

 

She has been responding to the texts but made it clear I was over doing it and smothering her.

 

It's been three weeks but I'm even more sure that I want to fix things. Last night I met a woman in a bar and ended up having sex with her. I felt terrible -- even though we're broken up -- and realized that I want to spend the rest of my life with my ex. I'm thinking that I'm just going to give it some time and try to contact her again in a week or so.

[Mustachio]

So you discussed these issues for years, you knew she had problems with it, did you ever do anything to change it? And is her breaking up with you really going to be the push finally for you to change these things? And I mean seriously, permanently change them?

 

After years, she may just be ready to walk away and probably has no faith that you can change them, and be completely honest, can you permanently change these things, or are you just convincing yourself that you can because she is gone. People often want what they cant have and during a break up our thought processes sometimes tell us things to try and relieve the pain that arent necessarily true. I am not saying thats the case, but I think you need to give it a lot of thought.

[sobchak1]

You're absolutely right...all of our conversations about this problem involved her saying she didn't think I could change. I had promised to change things before and always fell back into bad habits.

 

I want to change. It's not healthy, it's not good. For the first time in my life, I am honestly ready to change. I'm just sorry that I blew my chances to where she doesn't believe me anymore.

[Mustachio]

One more quick question, then advice. If you werent to get back together with her, would you still want to change?

 

Anyways, what I think you should do now, is actually start making these changes on your own. If she is going to take you back, she is going to need to see proof that you are really trying to change, and not just trying to change based on the promise of getting her back. And if two dont get back together, then at least you will be a better person for the effort.

[sobchak1]

If we got back together I would absolutely change because without changes it wouldn't last anyway. It'd be pointless to get together and not change.

[Mustachio]

No, I asked if you would still want to change even if you didnt get back together, I think its important in assessing whether this is truly a path you are willing to take. Because there is a difference between changing to better yourself vs simply just changing for her. Its the changing only for her that usually doesnt last. And even though you now know if you dont change its definitely over or going to end again, if you are just changing for her, it still probably wont last.

[sobchak1]

Whoops, sorry

 

I'd like to think that even if we didn't get back together I'd change, in the interest of honestly, I can't say for sure.

 

I want to change, regardless of whether we get back together. I know I'd change if we did, and I want to change even if we don't. I can't say for sure though.

[Mustachio]

Well Im off to bed, but my advice remains. Start changing those things regardless of whether she agrees to give you an opportunity or not. I would also wait a week or two before contacting her and maybe see if she contacts you in the meantime. At that point you can talk and let her know how you feel and what you want and go from there.

[LaceWing]

Whoops, sorry

 

I'd like to think that even if we didn't get back together I'd change, in the interest of honestly, I can't say for sure.

 

I want to change, regardless of whether we get back together. I know I'd change if we did, and I want to change even if we don't. I can't say for sure though.

 

To be honest it sounds to me like you need to let go of her for a while....she needs to see you MEAN what you say. So you could start by telling her you love her, still want your future to be with her, but that you are going to take some time out to work on yourself. But do it for YOU and not for her, otherwise you won't change. You'll think you have, but then you'll go back and make the same mistakes.

 

Honestly, the journey of self-change is a hard one and it doesn't happen over-night. You slept with a woman you met at a bar, yet you want your ex back. That isn't the action of a man who is close to healing in the way he could be. Also you seem emotionally vulnerable right now, and so you will feel a strong need for your ex, but smothering her is unattractive and will push her away from you.

 

Do whatever it takes to get yourself back on track, for you first, and then everyone else you encounter will see and feel the benefit of it as well.

[Ms Darcy]

We discussed these issues for years. She's always given me a hard time about it, I think she just reached her boiling point.

 

You're absolutely right...all of our conversations about this problem involved her saying she didn't think I could change. I had promised to change things before and always fell back into bad habits.

 

I want to change. It's not healthy, it's not good. For the first time in my life, I am honestly ready to change. I'm just sorry that I blew my chances to where she doesn't believe me anymore.

 

You start out by saying she doesn't have a realistic view and end up saying you want to change. In my honest opinion after years of battling she got tired.

 

You two don't sound very compatible either. I think you should move on. easier said than done.