The advice people give us are all LIES!

[Rockchick26]

I've been reading through some of these posts, I posted in this forum myself a month or two ago. I have realized something. When people give us advice, it isn't true...just because somebody says everything is gonna be ok, doesn't mean it is. They can't tell the future, how do they know things will get better for us? They also tell those of us who are unlucky in love, "You will find someone someday!" well you know what, i'm almost 40 and I've been told that since I was in high school! It's getting ridiculous now to hear that time and time again. I can't have kids much longer, when is my someday going to come?

 

And another personal favorite of mine is when they say, "Don't be so selfish, think how your parents would feel if you killed yourself", well, I don't know how it is selfish to be desperate to escape your pain. When something hurts bad enough, when your mind isn't your own anymore, you are not thinking of anyone else, and it isn't your fault because you are DEPRESSED. I hate when people act like depressed people can think clearly enough to make good decisions. If we were thinking clearly we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

 

And how is killing yourself any different than somebody being so depressed that they give themselves a disease and die from that? It's just a slower version of suicide.

 

Why don't people HELP depressed people, instead of saying bull * * * * like "Hang in there, things will get better" (I can't, and they won't!). I know it's ultimately our own responsibility to do things to fix our lives but if it was that easy we would have already been doing it, so what we need is constructive advice that isn't a big lie, we need people to be honest about our specific problems and not hand us some generic lines that you tell a child when they fall down and get hurt.

[tresqua]

Things will be ok if you figure out how to get and maintain a more positive attitude. People that tell you things will be ok are not looking through eyes of depression that you are, so when they say that, they really mean it however it won't happen by itself. I've been where you are now, I was going through a bad breakup, I thought I lost everything, I thought my life was over, and it would have been if I took the ultimate step.. but I pulled it together, I plowed through the fear, and the pain, and now my life is pretty damn good, just like everyone said it was going to be. Unfortunately, you can prove them all wrong if you are so inclined. The positive changes have to come from inside you.

[90_hour_sleep]

feels patronizing to hear those things...doesn't it?

 

i've done it...and to be honest...it was always a way to avoid looking someone in the face (really seeing that person) who was really hurting. i think pain made me uncomfortable...and i'd do anything to escape that feeling while maintaining the image of caring. it's not that i didn't care...it's that i lacked the skills to deal with pain. whether it was my own...or that of another. some part of me wanted to help...but at times all i could come up with were the typical platitudes which only seem to aggrevate people.

 

what you're saying makes perfect sense.

 

people don't know how to help. part of the stigma of 'mental illness'. what would you consider helpful?

 

i think the other part is that people don't know how to not say anything. we think we have to solve the problem. when maybe all a person wants or needs is someone to listen. nothing more.

[Capricorn3]

I don't think people giving advice in the suicide forum go in with the intent of lying. They are NOT lying (imo). I think they are all genuinely trying to help and have good intentions. How else should people respond in a suicide forum? It would far far worse if they agreed with people in pain saying, "yes, you are loser, yes things will only get much worse, yes, it is a good idea to kill yourself and no, it won't affect your loved ones" etc etc. If anyone gave such negative and awful responses, they would be banned.

 

OP: What kind of response would you like to receive? What would be helpful to you?

[ferna3069]

well my thoughts are with trequa. things dont happen by themselves you make them happen;and by telling you that your been selfish bu killing yourself is another way of telling you that your not the only one thats going to hurt. love doesnt just happen. u gotta go out in the world and meet people.u choose the way u want to live. if you decide to fix yourself and learn from your mistakes you will do good in life. if you expect for everything to get better by itself your not going to get there

[25something]

I honestly don't think people on here have intentions to give faulty lying advice to people, in my opinion. You can either take the advice given on this forum or simply just ignore it. You have to remember that alot of people using this website are just your everyday type of people, alot of us are not trained in "counseling" etc. so that is why you will sometimes hear the same lines such as, "hang in there." I know how annoying those repetitive lines can be, I always get the, "Oh you'll find someone, hang in there." and honestly it pisses me off because I've been hearing it for a while now and its annoying and untrue of course, but I've decided to not take that advice. Basically what I'm saying is that you do have the choice to take it or leave it.

[Rockchick26]

This is to Tresqua, sorry I forgot to hit reply with quote!:

 

I feel like I was born without the ability to be positive. My friends are always calling me "negative Nelly" or "Eyore". My dad is the same way only worse, I must have gotten it from him, and his dad was even worse yet (he needed shock therapy and still wasn't better). Whenever I do get a wild hair up my ass to be positive, it doesn't last very long because something bad happens to knock me back down again. It hurts to be positive because I get my hopes up, and always for nothing. I would have an easier time with this if it actually had good results.

[Rockchick26]

what you're saying makes perfect sense.

 

people don't know how to help. part of the stigma of 'mental illness'. what would you consider helpful?

 

Thanks for understanding! Yeah you are right that people don't know how to help. To me someone really just has to listen and try to help them make a plan of action, and have patience, and not be judgemental. I actually have a friend who I have talked to almost every day for the last 3 years, and when I vent to her, she says things like "I told you what I thought and you didn't listen, so forgive me if I am not caring as much as I should." What the hell!? With friends like that, who needs enemies?!

[90_hour_sleep]

Thanks for understanding! Yeah you are right that people don't know how to help. To me someone really just has to listen and try to help them make a plan of action, and have patience, and not be judgemental. I actually have a friend who I have talked to almost every day for the last 3 years, and when I vent to her, she says things like "I told you what I thought and you didn't listen, so forgive me if I am not caring as much as I should." What the hell!? With friends like that, who needs enemies?!

 

i think it's tough for people not to take it personally sometimes. again...it's the problem solver mentality. we want to have an agenda for the person in our lives that is hurting. we get excited about something that may help...and if it's not received how we hoped it would be...we tend to feel a bit deflated. i don't think we're all programmed to know what to do in these situations. there's a bit of a learning curve. as much as you require patience...it's a two-way street. friends require patience as well. you know?

[bulletproof]

Here's the tricky thing about being positive- it takes a long time and a lot of work to see the results of changing to a positive attitude. Which is precisely why people abandon adopting a positive attitude: it is a very challenging thing to sustain.

 

Depression is a very insidious thing. Some theories suggest that thinking negatively for a prolonged period of time will actually change your brain chemistry. In that case, sometimes you need medication to lift the dark cloud and allow your brain to get out of the cycle of obsessively negative thinking. Are you taking any meds? I personally have resisted medication, but have struggled with depression off and on for most of my life. But the moments of relief have been so wonderful. Do you think that's something you could strive for?

 

I don't think people mean to give advice that is deliberately misleading. They are simply seeing it from a non-depressed perspective, which another poster pointed out. Perhaps if you detailed what it is that you're anxious/worried/depressed about, people can offer more concrete solutions. I am a big fan of attacking the actual issue, as opposed to generic advice that things will be better. Because they won't be better without some real work that gets to the heart of the matter. What can we help you with? Outline it and say specifically what you would like out of your life.

[Rockchick26]

I don't think people giving advice in the suicide forum go in with the intent of lying. They are NOT lying (imo). I think they are all genuinely trying to help and have good intentions. How else should people respond in a suicide forum? It would far far worse if they agreed with people in pain saying, "yes, you are loser, yes things will only get much worse, yes, it is a good idea to kill yourself and no, it won't affect your loved ones" etc etc. If anyone gave such negative and awful responses, they would be banned.

 

OP: What kind of response would you like to receive? What would be helpful to you?

 

I don't think it would be bad if people validated what we say. If someone says they are a loser, they don't want to hear "No you're not!" What good does that do, they don't know this person personally, they very well COULD be a loser and would like help on how to fix that. I know some people say "Everyone is special, everyone is important, you can be loved just the way you are", but that isn't good enough because that implies that we are supposed to be the way we are, and if the way we are is causing us pain, then that means we have to accept that this is how we are doomed to be.

 

For example, I have guys that tell me I am pretty and I should be able to find a boyfriend easily. This has to be a lie because I have only had 1 boyfriend in my entire life and I'm almost 40. If I was so pretty then I would have guys falling at my feet. If I was such a great catch I wouldn't be crying my eyes out year after year of being rejected and ignored by 99% of the male population. So for someone to say to me, "But you ARE pretty, you will find a man someday!" it makes me want to slap them and ask them why they are lying to me.

[Rockchick26]

well my thoughts are with trequa. things dont happen by themselves you make them happen;and by telling you that your been selfish bu killing yourself is another way of telling you that your not the only one thats going to hurt. love doesnt just happen. u gotta go out in the world and meet people.u choose the way u want to live. if you decide to fix yourself and learn from your mistakes you will do good in life. if you expect for everything to get better by itself your not going to get there

 

I think most depressed people can't make things happen themselves. If we were strong, we wouldn't be in this situation at all. Some people are just weaker than others, and unable to help themselves. I can admit that, I'm weak, I'm lazy, I feel physically and mentally unable to help myself. I look around and see people that just have good things happen to them without them making it happen, so why can't that happen for all of us? Is it just dumb luck? Is it just random? I am just starting to think that some people have unluckier lives than others and there isn't much we can do to change it.

[Rockchick26]

I honestly don't think people on here have intentions to give faulty lying advice to people, in my opinion. You can either take the advice given on this forum or simply just ignore it. You have to remember that alot of people using this website are just your everyday type of people, alot of us are not trained in "counseling" etc. so that is why you will sometimes hear the same lines such as, "hang in there." I know how annoying those repetitive lines can be, I always get the, "Oh you'll find someone, hang in there." and honestly it pisses me off because I've been hearing it for a while now and its annoying and untrue of course, but I've decided to not take that advice. Basically what I'm saying is that you do have the choice to take it or leave it.

 

Aww i'm sorry you're having the same problem as me! Yeah I guess you have to pick and choose what advice is right for you and what isn't. Maybe I shouldn't have even started this thread, I just feel especially alone tonight and found something to vent about.

[bulletproof]

What is it that you want to change? Is it solely the relationship issue? Or are there other things you are unhappy about?

[Rockchick26]

i think it's tough for people not to take it personally sometimes. again...it's the problem solver mentality. we want to have an agenda for the person in our lives that is hurting. we get excited about something that may help...and if it's not received how we hoped it would be...we tend to feel a bit deflated. i don't think we're all programmed to know what to do in these situations. there's a bit of a learning curve. as much as you require patience...it's a two-way street. friends require patience as well. you know?

 

Do you mean that I should be more patient with my friends? Sometimes I do feel like i'm forcing them to listen to me, but it's hard to find strangers who know your situation well enough to help you the right way. This friend in particular is 15 years younger than me though and has never been in a relationship and has never been depressed so I shouldn't expect much from her anyway...I guess I'm just focusing on the negative too much, like usual!

[Rockchick26]

Here's the tricky thing about being positive- it takes a long time and a lot of work to see the results of changing to a positive attitude. Which is precisely why people abandon adopting a positive attitude: it is a very challenging thing to sustain.

 

Depression is a very insidious thing. Some theories suggest that thinking negatively for a prolonged period of time will actually change your brain chemistry. In that case, sometimes you need medication to lift the dark cloud and allow your brain to get out of the cycle of obsessively negative thinking. Are you taking any meds? I personally have resisted medication, but have struggled with depression off and on for most of my life. But the moments of relief have been so wonderful. Do you think that's something you could strive for?

 

I want to avoid medication if possible, I'm really big on healthy organic eating (believe it or not LOL) so I don't want anything man made in my body...but lately things have been getting worse and it's getting harder to deal with life, I almost want to try prozac or whatever it is these days that people are taking. I just don't want it to numb me so I can never be extatic again. I have a friend who is bi-polar and he is on drugs for it and he never laughs, he barely smiles, he just drifts through life like he just woke up. I don't want to be like that.

 

I don't think people mean to give advice that is deliberately misleading. They are simply seeing it from a non-depressed perspective, which another poster pointed out. Perhaps if you detailed what it is that you're anxious/worried/depressed about, people can offer more concrete solutions. I am a big fan of attacking the actual issue, as opposed to generic advice that things will be better. Because they won't be better without some real work that gets to the heart of the matter. What can we help you with? Outline it and say specifically what you would like out of your life.

 

My entire life is one big problem, literally every area needs help. I don't even know where to start, I just typed a bunch of stuff and realized I could have kept going for a few paragraphs. My biggest problem though is I can't find a job that I can do, I'm stuck working part time for minimum wage, living with my mom, and I am having guy issues at the moment that are making everything else even more unbearable. Over anything else, I want to experience love. But I didn't really intend to turn this thread into being about my specific problems, I've posted about them before and obviously it didn't do any good because my life is even worse than before.

[Rockchick26]

What is it that you want to change? Is it solely the relationship issue? Or are there other things you are unhappy about?

 

Like I said in my previous post, it's EVERY part of my life. My job, my family, my friends, my love life (or lack thereof), my mental health, now my physical health is slipping (most likely due to my depression because I don't have energy or ambition to live anymore)...but I will say the relationship crap is the nail in the coffin. If I could just have a boyfriend, I feel like my other problems would diminish enough for me to be able to tolerate them, anyway. All my life this has been my most important thing, to experience love. I've only had one boyfriend and I only dated him because he was the only guy who ever asked me out, but I was never happy with him and didn't know how to leave him so the whole thing was just a big mess. Right now I'm falling in love with a guy I can't have so that's pretty much been my biggest problem for the last 6 months.

[jakel]

I would agree that people aren't Lying when they are giving advice its just really differs from person to person what works. I'm with you on positive thinking, affirmations etc. I haven't had much luck with all of that it feels like putting whip cream and cherries on **** you know its **** still.

 

In my experience (more advice) just trying to improve your brain chem can help, sleep if you can get it, exercise even if it feels like your dragging your corpse around, it sound like you eat well already, sunlight or d3 if you cant get that, I took SAM E for a little while its a natural alternative to anti depressants and it helped get me back on my feet.

[Sim54]

Some people are just weaker than others, and unable to help themselves. I can admit that, I'm weak, I'm lazy, I feel physically and mentally unable to help myself.

 

Hi there.

As someone who has suffered from suicidal depression throughout my life, I understand where you are at.

 

The above is not actually the truth, but simply YOUR truth right now.You feel unable to help yourself, but in fact you have everything you need to take care of yourself, as an adult.

You have grown up in a family of depressives, and you have learnt and absorbed that behaviour your whole life.

You admit you have a problem, the next step is to admit that you are unable to heal this alone, and that you must get help. You don't have to do much here, simply surrender to the fact that you have a serious condidion and that you must get help for it. Then make this your life's work to heal.

 

I have dedicated that last 13 months to therapy to heal my bruised heart from years of self abuse and broken relationships. My father made me feel like a worthless piece of nothing, and I must battle that lie constantly, but I AM winning. But, I couldn't have done it without therapy.

 

There is NOTHING inherently wrong with you. You weren't BORN depressed, no-one is. But your family life has eroded yourself esteem.

You CAN heal this, but it will take time and effort. In the end, the first step is the smallest, and often the hardest.

 

Take back your life, one tine step at a time.

REFUSE to let your parents dictate who you are, and how you live.

 

Fight back.

You are a unique and special person. I know this without even knowing you. All depressed people have unique sensitivities that make them great friends and lovers down the line after they have healed.

 

Peace and love.

 

Simeon.

[nekoxchaos]

I used to be depressed, I was pretty much stuck on why this or that wont work out and constantly cry. I too thought that being with someone would make me complete but I was so wrong! I often heard " you need to love yourself first before you love anyone else !" and would roll my eyes or think " but you dont know how I feel" then I realized how my problem wasn't unique and it isn't really much of a big deal. I also felt bad that when I was in a relationship I constantly seeked validation , felt empty etc... etc.... now I realize I need to be self reliant first before having to depend on someone to fix all my issues.

 

Besides we all have our good days and * * * * ty days, being in a relationship or looking pretty or having tons of money wouldn't change that. Your boyfriend could cheat on you, pretty girls usually attract the wrong attention and can be taken advantage of or not be taken seriously. So yeah we only hold on to the good times or what seem to look good but we have to realize that it passes ..... we can have * * * * ty days but that passes too just gotta roll with it.

 

I remember I would be so depressed , I used to cut myself ..... my first time attempting suicide was at age 12 for some petty nonsense and a few more times into my 20's. But yeah like others have said advices are for you to take, ultimately its your choice if you want to be happy or not. I'm not saying im super positive and happy all the time, but If something bad happens I let it happen and it runs its course ... and also nothing wrong with being single !! its alot more liberating then you thing

[Sim54]

Very good advice. The only thing I'd say is that yes, your problems aren't unique, but they ARE a big deal. They must be taken seriously, and dealt with seriously. I know that I couldn't stand people making light of how I felt. It's a kind of invalidation.

[tresqua]

For example, I have guys that tell me I am pretty and I should be able to find a boyfriend easily. If I was so pretty then I would have guys falling at my feet. If I was such a great catch I wouldn't be crying my eyes out year after year of being rejected and ignored by 99% of the male population.

 

Unfortunately you're probably right. All those guys who tell you that you're so pretty and you should be able to find a boyfriend and yet they're not hitting on you.. well they're actions, or lack thereof, speak louder than their words. Although if you're very down and negative maybe that turns them off but to be honest with you a negative hot chick is still going to get a whole bunch of guys even if they're just looking for sex.

[Rockchick26]

I would agree that people aren't Lying when they are giving advice its just really differs from person to person what works. I'm with you on positive thinking, affirmations etc. I haven't had much luck with all of that it feels like putting whip cream and cherries on **** you know its **** still.

 

In my experience (more advice) just trying to improve your brain chem can help, sleep if you can get it, exercise even if it feels like your dragging your corpse around, it sound like you eat well already, sunlight or d3 if you cant get that, I took SAM E for a little while its a natural alternative to anti depressants and it helped get me back on my feet.

 

LOL Thanks for making me laugh, about the whipped cream and cherries thing! That is definitely what it feels like, a lot of things in life feel that way actually. Like the good parts don't necessarily make the bad parts better.

 

I also got a good chuckle out of "dragging your corpse around", that is pretty much what life feels like to me lately. You have quite a way with words!

 

I do try to get 8 hours of sleep a night, I eat as well as I can, I don't get enough sunlight I'll admit but that's because I'm a night owl and I don't like going outside before my hair is dry because it messes it all up and it doesn't dry right so I usually don't get outside until I'm leaving for work or going somewhere. What is this SAM E, I've never heard of it?

[Rockchick26]

Aww thank you so much! This made me smile.

 

I think it was the EASIEST part though, to admit I need help. The hard part is actually taking action. How do I get away from my family without having to tell them what is wrong and (gasp) that THEY are the cause of it, especially when I can't even afford to live anywhere but here!? I also can't afford therapy. All the therapists I have found charge around $100 an hour and that's just for one session! Surely I would need many.

[Rockchick26]

I used to be depressed, I was pretty much stuck on why this or that wont work out and constantly cry. I too thought that being with someone would make me complete but I was so wrong! I often heard " you need to love yourself first before you love anyone else !" and would roll my eyes or think " but you dont know how I feel" then I realized how my problem wasn't unique and it isn't really much of a big deal. I also felt bad that when I was in a relationship I constantly seeked validation , felt empty etc... etc.... now I realize I need to be self reliant first before having to depend on someone to fix all my issues.

 

I never understood this advice about loving yourself first before someone else can love you...LOTS of people can find love without loving themselves first. I see tons of couples who clearly have self esteem issues but are in love nonetheless.

 

and also nothing wrong with being single !! its alot more liberating then you thing

 

I know being single is liberating, I've been single for 36 years of my 38. That's where it gets to be too much though. Yeah I'm all for taking a year or two off dating without focusing on finding someone but come on when you dont get a date until youre 26, that's too much. When you go over a decade without a real boyfriend, that's too much.