Years of stolen innocence still affecting me 10 years after it ended

[silla86]

I'm a 25 yr old mother of two young children. I have a 7 month old daughter who looks just like me. Since her birth I have had nightmares of her being taken by my mother. My mother traded my innocence for money, etc. when I was just 2 until I was taken from her as a teenager. I'm nervous to bathe my little girl and change her diaper. I do it and I have to but it makes me sick to my stomach because it sparks memories of what was done to me specifically when I was two yrs old. Ever since I was taken away from my mother, I have been quick to blow up in anger over petty things. I go from happy to angry to crying in a matter of hours. And my son who is almost 4 witnesses this. I don't want to be this way but how do I stop? I'm angry. I'm so angry that those men and my mother are walking the streets, that the justice system screwed me when my mother's boyfriend who raped me at 7 yrs old until I was 15 never spent a night in jail all because I was too embarassed to say the word penis in front of the grand jury. It's not fair that I can't have a regular sex life with my husband. It's not right that I still look over my shoulder when I change clothes and shower. That I worry about every single person my kids come in to contact with for fear that they too will be hurt. They all get to go about their lives but mine is always going to have this baggage. No matter how hard I try to forget my childhood something always reminds me. What can I do to make myself a better person, a better mother and wife? How do I change the impulse to lash out and get rid of this anger that runs so deep? It is said that vengeance is left to God and we can hand it all over to Him...well what if even that doesn't make these habits go away?

[ferna3069]

well had you tried going to therapy? and about your daughter all you need to do is a good mother to he.r you know your not going to hurt her or let any one else do it. just take care of her and try to seek help

[silla86]

I have went through 5 plus years of therapy as a teenager and the therapist only touched on the issue once in all 5 yrs. I was so upset during the session that she never spoke of it again. I did so well academically at the time when I was placed with great foster parents that no one saw the need to make me relive the memories. I would really benefit from therapy now, I just have to find a way to get someone to babysit which is hard since my husband works very long hours and I have very little support from family. But if there is a will there is a way right? I know I need something because dealing with it on my own is not working

[ferna3069]

yeah dont be scared to seek help. the therapist you had didnt sound like he was a good therapist to begin with. thats a big issue. the best thing is to find a way to be able to go to one. take your kids to a daycare or something for the days u are going to go to therapy.

[Teaday]

I do think that if you can find a way, it'd be helpful to seek help to deal with everything that has happened to you. I wish I had better advice for you, but I really just want to say that I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. It sounds as if you really care for your children, I hope things get easier from here on out!

[ScubaDiva]

Sorry to hear about your traumatic childhood. Unfortunately, you are not alone! You have to realise that none of this was your fault and that you have to find a way of letting go of the negativity. You are stuck in a destructive cycle. Try and find ways to take all the negative energy and turn it into something positive - you have that power! Read books about people who have been through similar things and learn from their wisdom. Find a way to break free from the chains that are suffocating you because those evil people still have a hold over you. They are not worth another minute of your time and energy. Make a pact today to move forward, and you will... one step at a time... Good luck!

[silla86]

thanks everyone for the advice. I am going to seek therapy and make a positive change for my life.