My situation... sucks...

[StayingStrong]

A lot has happened with me and my ex (still feels weird referring to her as my ex), so I'll just bullet point the main things that have happened since we got together about 18 months ago...

 

- We got together pretty quickly and things were great. She was clearly in love with me and I was in love with her. She called all the time, hated being apart from me, etc.

- After about 16 months, we had had a brilliant relationship and were seemingly looking forward to spending our lives together.

- A couple of months ago, it came out that she cheated on me near the beginning of the relationship. A one time thing with a guy she used to know.

- Needless to say, this killed me. I always told myself that if I was ever cheated on, I'd break up with them, without question... but after it happened I told her I needed to think blah blah. She called me after a day or two and arranged to meet up to talk. She told me all about how she regretted it more than anything, and she broke off all contact with the guy straight after because she knew that she made such a big mistake and all the rest of it.

- I took her back. I forgave her. So I decided that we'd get back together after a bit of time of "seeing eachother" again. She agreed and said that she totally understood. We got back together "officially" about a week later.

- Fast forward to a month or so later. I found out that she'd been talking to a few guys, basically looking for a rebound guy (while we were still together) because she didn't think we had a future after she told me about the cheating. Turns out she cheated on me again with some other guy. This time, she said it was because she no longer felt a spark between us, she was bored, etc.

- Now this time, it hurt 100x more. This was the first time in our relationship that she expressed anything but love for me. This actual situation was horrible. She told me she's not seeing the other guy, but she needed time to think (I still wanted her back

- For the next week, I didn't give her much space or time. I called her, texted her, invited her to lunch, etc. most days... At the end of this week, she eventually told me that it has to stop and that she needs me to give her some space. Just before she told me this, I had been reading this website and I realised that I shouldn't have chased her like that. She said she needed about a month... I accepted and told her okay and I understood and everything.

- The next 3 days were probably the hardest of my life. No contact from her at all. I literally just sat around thinking and thinking and thinking. I would have tried to go out and do something but I had a couple of exams coming up for university, so I had to at least try and revise.

- After these 3 days, I get a call from her on my phone. My heart was pounding, I was hoping that she'd say she was missing me and stuff and she wanted to talk or something... but instead, she told me she was going out with someone else. I asked who, and she said it doesn't matter, she just wanted me to hear it from her and not someone else. It was only a short phone call and that was that.

- It actually felt like a bit of a relief after the uncertainty of the 3 days of non-contact which preceded it, but obviously I was still devastated.

- Since then, it's been about 2 weeks. Initially, I decided it was time to come to terms with it and try to accept it. I talked about it to friends and a university councillor and I felt a little better.

- I decided that I shouldn't speak with her at all, but if she called me, I wouldn't completely ignore her. After all, she always said she still wanted to be friends if we broke up and so did I. She doesn't have a lot of close friends... I think we'd both agree that I'm her best friend and she's definitely one of mine.

- I texted her a couple of times, but she was really short with and stopped replying after a couple. Of the rare phone calls, she seemed really off with me and it was just really weird. I decided, * * * * it, if she's not even gonna act friendly with me when I'm making the effort, she can forget it. So I stopped texting and calling her all together.

- She called me after a few days, and as planned, I kept it nice and short. It was quite late, and I was proud of myself for acting to neutral and composed. She asked me how I was doing and stuff like that. She eventually told me that she still loved me and that I was her best friend. I didn't say the same back.

- At this point I felt good and that I was getting over her. But as the days dragged on and I realised just how much I missed her, it got hard for me again. Everything reminds me of her. I'm always wondering if she's thinking about me as much as I am about her. But still, I was feeling okay and getting used to her not calling me.

-So the other night (Tuesday) she called me while I was sleeping and she was talking about some problem she had with her phone contract or something, she owed them more money than usual and she didn't understand why, etc. So anyway, I talked to her and she was really talkative, like she used to be. It surprised me, it was refreshing and I guess it made me miss her even more... But anyway, I kept it short and stuff.

- She texted me the next day to thank me for talking to her and calming her down and stuff. I didn't text back.

- Then on Thursday night she called me to ask how I was doing and she sounded far more sincere than the other times. I was pretty short with her, but probably not as short as I should have been. We talked for a while. Her parents always thought a lot of me and they hate that she's broken up with me, apparently they're not being very nice to her at the moment. I didn't show too much sympathy.

- She asked me if I'd like to meet up with her the next day and I asked her why and what she wanted to do, etc. And she said, she didn't know, just get some food or something and talk. And I politely declined. She was understanding and sympathetic to how I was feeling, I kinda let my guard down a bit by accident but it wasn't too bad. She told me she still loves me and she just wants to calm down from her "phase". I said that I'm not just going to be there waiting for her and she said she knew.

- After the phone call, I texted her to say I'd go for lunch with her the next day.

- So the next day rolls on and I picked her up in the morning. This was the first time that I had seen her in a week, maybe more. She was nice and I was being nice too. This time I didn't tell her how good she looked or that I loved her or anything like that at all. I didn't do the whole "checking her out" look or look at her through those loving eyes, I was actually quite distant, but I did talk to her a lot, like I would a normal friend.

- During this time, she asked me how she looked a couple of times (while doing her make up in the mirror in the car). Its weird walking around town with her though... I still feel protective of her as if she's still my girlfriend even though she's with someone else. At one point, I said something like "you've got a boyfriend", when some guy whistled as we walked by and she kinda brushed it off and basically said no she didn't... That did confuse me because she is definitely seeing this other guy. When I dropped her off, she told me I was gorgeous.

- Although there was no physical contact during our meet (i.e. no kissing, hugging, etc.), now I miss her even more. I foolishly asked her if she wanted to go for a walk with my dogs later that day (like we always used to do) and she said she couldn't. I didn't pry any further and just said okay. She said something like I'll see you soon or whatever before she left.

- Since meeting up, I've just been thinking about her all over again and how much I miss being with her and having her with me. I miss being able to just compliment her and kiss her and stuff. I miss the sexual aspect of our relationship too. I don't feel comfortable looking for another girl at this point because I still have strong feelings for my ex, and that wouldn't be fair on a new girl if she thought otherwise. And I'm not really much of a one-night stand kind of guy haha.

- I've been waiting for her to call or text ever since. Today, she called me at about 3pm. I answered and she said "hey, did you call me?" Turns out she was referring to the missed call she got after I called her when picking her up (to tell her I was outside in the car), 2 days ago. She said "oooh right! sorry!" and told me that she was on her way back from the beach or something. Then we basically said bye and that was it.

- Ever since, she's been in my head non-stop again! I thought I was getting over her but now all I'm thinking about it how much I'd love to see her again, even if it was just to talk like the other day. I keep looking at my phone hoping that she'll call or text me I know I shouldn't call her, and I'm determined to refrain from doing so.

- I don't really understand what I want. I don't know if I want her back or if I want her out of my life completely. This state of limbo where we're kinda friends but we hardly have any contact is killing me right now. I literally don't know what I want, let alone what she wants. If she didn't want to see me ever again, it would make my decision easy! I'd like have to come to terms with it and forget about her! And I know I could do that, but only if she didn't want to see me ever again... Likewise, if she wanted to get back together, it would be a bit easier for me as I guess we could take it slowly and it would give me a chance to decide whether or not I should get back with her or not. But right now, I don't really know what she's thinking She says she still loves me, she says she still thinks about me and she says she misses me... then why is she still seeing some other guy and only calling me every few days?

- Right now, I think I want her back... if she actually wanted me back right away after this whole thing, I probably would have walked away! But the fact that she distanced herself from me seemed to make me want her even more Even after weeks or months, if we got together, would it even possibly last!? I mean, after this, will I change my mind? Or is she ever going to want to get back with me at all? Or can you ever trust someone who's done something like this to you again?

 

To be honest, I'm not even sure why I'm posting this thread. I just needed to type it all out to maybe get it straight in my head. I don't really know what advice people can give me to help me here, but if you think you can, I'd be happy to listen. I'm just confused, upset, lonely and sick of waiting around for calls which never come... ](*,)

 

Edit: Just realised how long my post is... I understand if you don't wanna read it haha

[piggy_oink]

I wanna help but that is an awful lot of info - can you give us the short and sweet version - just summarise the main point...??

[GrowingIn]

Honestly man, how can you take all that?

 

Cheated on you twice? And using the new guys as well? And you? That is one messed up girl! You wanna spend your life with that?

[Oneironaut]

Yeah, cheated on you twice, ouch...you said that at one time, cheating would be a deal-breaker...I think twice should have made it absolutely so. What made you go back on it like that? How would you trust her not to do it a 3rd or 4th time?

 

Honestly, I'm not a huge NC advocate, but this is one case where I absolutely think it's the best choice for you. Somewhere out there is a woman who WON'T cheat on you, not even once. You deserve that woman, not the one who seems to have no problem doing it.

[catfeeder]

The first question I'd ask someone who told me he cheated would be, "Why are you telling me this?" We'd be done, of course, but not necessarily because he cheated--but because he told me for a reason. Even if he's too lame to admit it.

 

There is no validity in telling someone you cheated a year or two later unless you want out but you're too chicken and manipulative to break up--or you're too enamored of drama and crisis to handle your own guilt in private, so you need to spray it all over the person you've already harmed. That's plain sick.

 

She set you up. Problem is, instead of taking your pride and moving forward, you took her back. Everything she did to screw this up after that is exactly why it's a horrible choice to remain with someone who has set you up to get out--unless you're as addicted to crisis and drama as she is.

 

You can make a better choice at any time.

[HeartGoesOn]

There is not a better indication of what someone thinks of you, as when they make the choice to cheat on you.

[StayingStrong]

I don't know I've lost a lot of self-respect and self-esteem because I never thought I'd react like this. I'm still in love with her, no doubt I wish more than anything that this had never happened... I just want my girlfriend back like it used to be I don't think I can totally let go of this hope when there's still a chance that she'd come around eventually and it would be like it used to be. Realistically thinking about it, it probably never will be the same and it'll still hurt even if we did get back together, but I miss her so much

[lavenderdove]

She's just not committed to you... Doesn't matter how she looks or what she says or how much you'd like her to be your GF. She's already slept with other men and cheated on you at least twice, probably more than she's admitting to. Yes, you can be in love with her, but that doesn't mean she'll turn into someone who isn't a cheater or who is committed to you and wants only you. Both people have to want the same thing, and both have to be committed to the relationship for it to work.

 

And you want it back like it used to be? The problem is she has always been this person, cheated on your early one, cheating on you again later... you just had a concept of her in your head as a loving faithful person, and apparently that is not her and now that she's losing interest in you she's letting you see who she really is now. It does take at least a couple years for people to drop their guard enough for you to know what you've really got, and sadly, you've discovered what she is is an unfaithful cheater who likes to shop around and see different guys, with nobody holding her attention for too long.

 

You have to really listen to what people tell you, both the good and the bad, to put together a complete picture. And she recently told you she was bored and didn't feel the spark. Some people want the high excitement of a new love, with only lasts for a year or so, then they start looking for some new love to spice things up again. They don't like a normal 'boring' domestic life with one person. I think she is just one of those people, or is at this point in her life, so she doesn't want to be your steady partner nor to settle down. She sounds like she wants a lot of attention so doesn't want to be alone, but is shopping around for her next new excitement at this point, and is using you to puff up her ego in between liaisons with others.

[GrowingIn]

Hearing you say that helps me feel so much better about my own principles because that's what I believed.

 

I am still struggling with this whole idea of: you must be in control as a man and lead her vs you must find someone that you can share control with.

 

I have always looked for B, and always told myself I just didn't find that person. But when I look around, and the friends that I have, all seem to be operating on belief A, in which case in that view and their eyes, "I was weak" because I let them have control sometimes. I also tend to meet women that have been in nothing but those type of control-based relationships, and I know the only way to make those work is for me to be that guy. Which I am not.

 

Maybe I am weak, but I honestly do not like to be the dominant personality 100% of the time. But I also know I could never be run by a woman 100% of the time. I keep looking for someone to share that job with, who still knows how to make me feel like a man when they take the reigns instead of abusing that situation.

 

Maybe it's just fantasy!

 

It seems there are two conflicting thought processes when it comes to long-term relationships that is going on in the world today.

[Janeiac]

You want things back the way they were before? You thought it was great, you tought you were both in love with each other, and she was cheating.

That's what you want?

 

Obviously the relationship didn't mean to her what it meant to you. It sucks, but you must accept it and move on. Stop trying to predefine what your next realtionship may be like, and let it happen (after you have healed from this one.)