Should I email my husband?

[cmmarti3]

I posted a bit about my situation on the Divorce thread unfortunately. My husband and I got into a big fight last weekend, he had to leave for a week and a half for work and I tried calling him twice the day he left with no answer. I texted him the next day with no response. I stopped trying after that. He did this once before; we got in a fight and he hung up on me and then would not take my calls. I know he is checking his email because he forwarded me the electric bill email he gets every month and responded "thanks" to something I took care of for him.

 

I don't want to give up on my marriage and I am sorry for sounding petty, but I feel that if I email him I will be letting him get the best of me. I haven't tried to contact him since Tuesday and have not heard from him. I probably sounds psycho, but I've been checking our cell phone bill to make sure he's ok. He's using it to text and call people at his command (he's in the Navy) so I know he's fine.

 

He told me he hated me before he left. So my question is, should I email him? I don't want to lose him, but at the same time I don't want him to get the better of me. I find his behavior inexcusable and it's like if I keep trying to contact him, he wins. Thanks for your advice and for listening (or reading).

[CatsMeeoow]

I would give him some breathing space. He is only gone a week and half right? If you have called and left a voice mail AND you know he is okay - both of you take a break for a bit.

 

Hugs and good luck!

[catfeeder]

Why not just let things cool down? When he gets back let him settle in, be kind and don't snub, and then see what kind of conversation shakes out on it's own without forcing it.

 

The idea isn't to view him as your adversary, he's your partner. If you owe him an apology, pick the right time after he's home and give him an apology--without conditions, without seeking his forgiveness -or- his apology to you, and without voiding your apology by attempting to justify anything you said or did. That only restarts the argument, which is not an apology. Speak only for yourself and your own behavior, and don't try to manipulate his.

 

He'll either address you with his own apology in his own time when he's ready, or he won't. If you push him, you'll rob yourself of valuable information, such as what, exactly, he is willing to offer on his own without your influence or pressure.

 

Don't steer, observe. Make decisions about your own next steps only -after- gaining insight that's only available to you by calm observation over t.i.m.e.

 

Patience.

[cmmarti3]

Hi, thank you you Cat and Cat You are right - we need some time. I absolutely hate being in an argument and I am extremely worried that this time he will bite the bullet and decide to leave. His in the Navy and stationed an hour and a half from our house, so he could potentially go straight there and not come home. I really hope he doesn't do that. I will be patient and wait until his trip is over, and if I have not heard from him by next weekend, I will re-evaluate.

[lady6sky]

very dangerous time for both of you. People get vulnerable. If he doesnt look for you in an acceptable amount of time, he is probably getting busy.

Be on gard!

[FathomFear]

I think it's important not to let your ego get in the way. Sure, you might think you are "right" and thus do not want to "cave" and be the first one to initiate contact. At the same time, I'm sure he feels the same thing. At some point you'll both need to drop the ego and do what you think is best for the relationship.

[cmmarti3]

I appreciate all of your responses. I did call him twice the day he left and I texted him the next day and got no response. The reason why I haven't done more is because I know it won't work. I could blow up his phone and call him 100 times in a row or something, but I don't want to go to such extreme measures. I shouldn't have to. If I do not see him by next weekend, I WILL drive to where he is stationed and find him and insist that we talk. If he wants a divorce or to separate or whatever, he can tell me to my face. I think it's extremely cowardly of him to not call me for this length of time, and I find it ridiculous that he can hold a grudge for this long too. I would like to email him a nice email, but I already know he won't respond. So what's the point? I am going to try my best to be patient and if he does not come home, that's when I will lose my patience and will have to find him, whether he likes it or not. He's in the military so all I have to do is call his command and tell them I haven't heard from him and I'm worried and they'll make him call me. But that will just piss him off and that's not what I want.