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overly controlling / dominating parents


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So, im 21 years old and my parents love to control every aspect of my life.


They dont let me learn how to drive when we have 3 cars at home ( 4 member family) , i work part time retain because im a full time student , and my mom keeps demanding that i give her 1 paycheck a month.. which is not fair at all because my parents are financially secure and the only reason is becasue my mom wants to control my money.


My mom is very dominating, she looks through my stuff , i have zero privacy and she doesnt even bother knocking the door when im in my room and sometimes im changing my clothes.


I recently revolted and got 2 tattoos because i love body art , she emotionally drains me by saying such shady things like" i cant ever look at you the same way again".


Yesterday i was at the mall with my aunty who is visiting and i spent 200$ on her and her entertainment that day and baught my mom some stuff to try to make her happy... but i went to a store i liked and my mom went CRAZY she said every swear possible to me and was freaking out for no reason. Happens everytime i go to think about my self. Everytime i buy something for myself, go somewhere she has a heart attack and makes me feel like dirt, like i did something wrong.

Every time i go out, 1 hour later shes blasting my phone calling every 10 mins harassing for me to come home. im 21 and my parents put a curfew of 10pm.


its affected my social life to the point where i have barely any friends because my parents dont let me do anything. My boyfriend is fed up with my curfew, i've never gone to a party in my life. I hide almost everything about me to my parents because they are so unapproachable and old school. Im tiered of always hiding and being so secretative, Im a puppet ,, trust me ive tried to break the ice and revolt. i just want my freedom but my parents are ready to let me live my life.


In high school i went from being popular to invisible.

I just wanted to vent out thanks for reading it may be silly to some but its story of my life.


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I'm sorry for your situation.


As tough as it is please realize that some kids out there don't know where their parents are and have no roof over their heads or any kind of stability at all in their life and would trade places with you very quickly.


Its normal at the age of 21 to want to spread your wings and find your sense of self and you are feeling very stifled in this environment.


You need to think of how you want to look after yourself. Not just that you want to spend $200 on yourself and not get yelled out but how you would pay rent, electric, gas, food, etc. Look at what you bring home as a student and is it possible to move out and support yourself? If not now, when?


Your parents have made their rules clear.


You don't have to like them.


You are 21yr old and perhaps need to find a way to take care of yourself. A few years out on your own in a difficult economy may help you realize how good you had it at home.

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Sounds like my mum! I had a 6pm curfew when I was 19! She'd go through my stuff too and sulk at me for days. When I went to university, I opted to stay in the student accommodation even though it was only ten minutes drive to my mum's house. I got a job at 18 and stopped asking her for money or permission to go on holiday [always used the excuse that she didn't have money]. After university, I got a job as far away as I could and I've not lived with my mother since aged 22.


If you can spare 200$ to go shopping, and also a cheque to your mother, then you can move out of home into a shared student accommodation or a bed-sit. That's the only way you'll ever get a life. You're an adult and need to exert that. Also, sounds like you've got enough money to pay for driving lessons. If your curfew is at 10pm there's many hours your day to get some driving lessons even from a friend. I got driving lessons from a friend of mine who I paid very little just for petrol and her trouble. Take some control of your life. You're 21. I left home at an early age and never relied on my mother for money. Seriously, take it from someone who's been there, that's your only option. And they won't kill you. They'll get used to it.

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you have a point catmeoow, however im not talking in a financial aspect, what im trying to say is that they control way too much of my life.

i have zero privacy and zero freedom.


My parents are from India... society is different

they dont understand that

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Hi 21YD,


Your mother sounds like mine. Both of my parents are overly controlling and demanding, my mom more so than my dad. I have a curfew of 6 or 7, whenever it gets dark. I am not allowed to date yet, because I am not 25 yet and even if I do, my parents expect me to date within my own race. I don't have any social life, since most of the friends that I have are not Asian and my parents do not want me to interact with people outside of my race. It is really hard and I do understand where you are coming from. I am 24 and I like you want to be an adult and to exert my independence and explore the world like any other normal adult do and just spread my wings and fly. I do have a job and I try to have a social life, i.e. hang out with friends that my parents disapprove of behind their backs if possible, date people they do not approve of behind their backs as well. It is really difficult to live a life like that and it is even more difficult to break out of it. I want to live my life the way I want to, I want a social life, I want a boyfriend, I want so much but I cannot have any of it, and I hate it. Trust me, I feel your pain.


Thanks for sharing.



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im glad you understnad me notgivingup


your situation is very similar to mine, dont worry atleast we both know we're not alone in this.

Yes , im dating my boyfriend behind their backs because they cant handle the truth, the compel us to lie and go behind their backs.


Stay strong

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In order to get what you want out of this life, you gotta know how to assert yourself. People tend to try to control others they think they can control. And, if you continue to behave like you're underneath them, they will continue to exercise power over you. This is to say that, if you don't move out and try to build a life for yourself, the situation between you and your parents wont change.


I know this might be a big step for you, but you have to decide what you really want. Stay and put up with it for God knows how long...or move out and get a break.

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Hi 21YD,


At least you have a boyfriend who is willing to tolerate that. I have yet to find a guy who would tolerate that even during the times when we date.


Also moving out is sometimes easier said than done for whose who are not in the situation that we are in. Like 21YD, my parents are Chinese and they have a really old and traditional mindset that what they think is the best for their child even though it might not be true in reality. They find ways to keep you living at home with them. It's like the situation of you won't know/understand the situation that we are in until you have been in our shoes.



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Tell them that either they stop being so controlling or you will walk out of their life for good. If you don't depend on them then you can walk out of their lives. I have a cousin who has an over controlling father, and he (my cousin) said either let me live my life or I am going to walk out on you for good. His father didn't do as he said so he walked out and they have not talked to each other for 10 years.

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