At my wit's end and don't know what else to do

[fallingstars]

I have been dating my current fiance for over two years and we just got engaged earlier this year. From the start of the relationship, I was concerned about his ambition and lack of finance management, but he always expressed his desire to pursue different educational opportunities to allow him to get into a better job position.

 

Two years ago, he was 23 years old, living at his parent's house, with less than one year of college education completed - due to the fact that he changed his major so many times, transferred between 2 different colleges due to finances, and was not motivated to go to class or found it not challenging - so he failed several classes as well. Whenever I asked him about his classes or educational plan, he spoke about becoming a mechanical engineer and never told me about how once we started dating, he blew off more classes to hang out with me or to sit at home and play on the computer looking at political science or wrestling, or some other stupid crap.

 

Once his college demanded more money because he kept dropping classes and failing classes, he finally told me what was happening and appeared very depressed. However, he usually mopes about the situation and DOESN'T TALK to me about the problem (whatever problem he may have). He gets very quiet and doesn't say a word. Then he'll say something like, "I'll do the best I can." Or, "I'll try to fix this." Very vague statements with no real backbone or plan.

 

Within these 2 years, I have been very supportive and I've tried to help him pinpoint his path in life, what he needs to do to make his plan happen, how to get him the resources he needs, and I even gave him money so he could go to college one semester (since his parents are also poor, he didn't have money, and I wanted to support him). He paid me back but felt very guilty about borrowing money from me. But education is a top priority for me.

 

Since he has terrible fianances, I agreed to be a cosigner on his loan so he could get some money to go to school. With his leftover loan money the first semester - instead of using it to buy a car or pay off his credit card bill or 5,000 debt to his first college, he bought me an engagement ring and spent a lot of money on food and groceries and trips out to eat.

 

Within these 2 years, I've also been paying almost every bill. Now that we live together, I pay all bills except groceries. He works at a minimum wage job (that he's worked at for 10 years) at a grocery store, so I figure he can help out with groceries. However, his work is 30 minutes away from where we live now, so it's not even worth it to drive 30 minutes away - with gas prices that high - for a 35-40 hour a week minimum wage paycheck.

 

This past semester, he decided to register for classes at the last possible minute, and his loans wouldn't go through because he decided to wait to register. So, he couldn't afford to go to college. At the middle point of our relationship, I told him my rule - he HAS to go to college, because he can't support himself or me without a degree. He can't better his life without a degree. He's not going to reach his goal without a degree. But, here he was, slacking off, and not going to college for a whole semester.

 

It turns out he has terrible finances - he owes 5,000 to his first college (didn't he know about student loans??!??!?). He has a 500 dollar car. And he's got very little of anything else. But it irritates me that he does nothing to get himself out of his debt. When I walk into the computer room I hope to see him searching for jobs or being proactive, but I'll find him on a wrestling website, or political website, or just generally slacking off. I'll ask him if he called his place of employment, or other places he's applied to, or looked in the newspaper for jobs, or called Sallie Mae, etc... and the answer is always no.

 

Well, turns out his car just broke (he's been driving mine around for a month). I feel guilty when I can't lend him my car because I AM WORKING 3 JOBS. Now that his car is broken, he is trying to get enough money to pay for a car. He did just get a job last week, which was a celebration - since he's been casually applying to places since December (when I started bugging him more intensely about it). I was very happy and excited for him and his prospects. He was supposed to get a call back this week to get his schedule but he didn't get a call back. So I asked him yesterday, did you call them yet? No. He didn't. He didn't know what to say. WHY WOULDN'T YOU BE PROACTIVE ABOUT THIS?

 

Yesterday, we get a collection's agency note in the mail. The note is about 700 dollars that my fiance owes to his current college because he borrowed money from that college to go to another college his first year. (I know, confusing, right?) Well, of course he doesn't have 700 dollars because his car just broke and we had to get it towed to our house, where it's been sitting for a month because it's undrivable. He also spends all of his money on our groceries and gas for my car to get to and from work. Also, he hasn't started his second job yet. Oh, and guess what.... he has 10 days to pay off 700 dollars.

 

Last night he told me... that he cannot go to college this summer (LIKE HE PROMISED, AND SWORE TO ME THAT HE WOULD) because of this 700 debt. Apparently he called Sallie Mae about it and they won't give him student loan money unless he is enrolled in classes. Well he can't enroll without 700 dollars and can't pay the 700 dollars without the loan money or some other money, which he doesn't have. I asked him if he explained this to Sallie Mae... he said he did, but his face said no he didn't.

 

 

 

I am at my wit's end and don't know what else to do. I have been so supportive of him and tried to help him the best I can. I've supported him with his finances - lended him money, paid for things, paid to go out to eat, paid for gas, paid for a part to fix his car (before it broke), paid for his education, and I feel like he's not motivated enough to get his degree, get out of debt, and get his life started! I know it's hard for him because he has a low paying job and his family can't support him, but I can't help him anymore - I've wracked up more debt since starting one of my jobs and supporting him that I really can't help him with this 700 dollars. I search for cars and jobs for him... he searches and prints out articles about politicans. I work three jobs - he works 1 minimum wage job because he doesn't like change. I just.... am at a loss. I don't know how to help him get money and I'm sick of having the same argument. TALK TO ME about your problems. Let's work out the problem together! But I feel like his finances are my problem that I have to figure out because he won't.

 

Now, with all of our financial woes, he is a wonderful friend, a caring and compassionate person, and always has shown me love and tells me constantly that he loves me. He says he cannot live without me and always wants to be with me (not in a creepy way). He is everything I want in a man - besides his finances and lack of ambition. So I want to know... should I keep fighting? Should I still continue to get through to him and support him? Or should I just give up and move on? Right now I just feel like the negatives are outweighing the positives in this relationship. I had a discussion with him this morning and when his sister finally drove him to work (4 hours late) - I told him something needs to change. I always tell him this. And it's been an hour since he left and he hasn't texted or called me. He also said barely two words when I was talking to him before he left. I know I'm making him more depressed but I can't continue to condone this behavior. I want someone who has ambition. I want someone who wants out of debt and wants an education. I don't want a slacker who would rather drink the pain away or play around on the computer/with a guitar.

 

Sorry this post is lengthy. I just wanted to explain as much of the situation as I could so the advice would be more pertinent. Thank you for your help.

[Kalika]

Your fiance needs to grow up. And quite frankly, you are trying to be his mother when you can't. He is making his problems YOUR problems. Everything may be great with him, except for the lack of finances and ambition, but those are two HUGE things that set the stage for the rest of your lives.

 

You are still young. There is no rush to settle down right now. I would tell you honestly that your life will be much easier and happier if you are with someone who is on the same page as you in terms of education, finances, and ambition. And although he claims he loves you, he is not showing that he cares much about his own future, which means he does not care about yours, either.

[Stay_home]

I think the reason your fiancee loves you so much is because you do everything for him. You tailor him perfectly because you put up with all of these things which to him is an indication that it's acceptable. You are being taken advantage of and you are allowing this to happen. I see a lot of problems developing in the long run unless you face the truth and address these issues. If you've done that and have still gotten to a dead end, to be honest, I would run while I can. Because when you get married the problems are going to maximize at an expontential rate, just imagine if you start having kids...

 

The only one contributing in this relationship is you. The only one doing anything in this relationship is you and the only person that has the ambition inside of this relationship, is you. Love is not going pay bills when they're coming through the door. Love is not going to make your credit rating better or put food on the table. If you want something genuine and with a better shelf life, get out of this while you can. He might be loving you as best as he can, but it's not enough unfortunately.